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4/10/2012 c35 1Writing In Ink Forever
Why'd you change you're penname? My reason is quite simple, really. I liked this name better.

So now I meet the infamous Morgan? Is he the same guy or different?

Ethel is a pain! Geez! I feel sorry for Grace and Eidan. Ethel only cares for herself. I hope she dies.

On the bright side, congratulations on finishing this scene! I got to say, I love how Eidan and Jenna's relationship is processing. It feels realistic, and you're doing a great job!

As I say always on this story, keep on writing!
4/10/2012 c35 6Victoria Best
OH MY GOSH THIS CHAPTER IS AMAZING! Such a big twist and I honestly did not see that coming. You wrote it brilliantly, with just the right amount of narration and dialogue building up to it to add to the suspense. Right from the very beginning I was hooked in, with Ethel and Eidan's confrontation. I can't believe the clones have to be killed to break the curse, and I don't know how it's going to happen, or of it will. Eidan might kill Grace, but something absolutely terrible must happen with Lucan for Jenna to even think about killing him. And why do they have to die anyway? I love Lucan! He's my favourite character! Nooo! Ahhh, this is so confusing! This is so addicting! I have so many questions! I need the next chapter right now!

Firstly, can I comment on how creepy Ethel is? Okay. Ethel is creepy. End of. :) It's really unnerving how she speaks in that singsong voice, like you said, it sounds like the voice of a little girl that skips along handing out flowers. And then this is the girl that was enjoying watching Jenna dying in this chapter. She is twisted. However, I really liked Grace in this chapter. I actually felt sorry for her. She tries to be this detached, broken person she thinks she is because of being born a shadow and a clone, but actually, she is much more human than she thinks. How could Ethel call her a "Mirror without a reflection?" Again, Ethel is twisted.

I love some of the dialogue in this chapter! Zeph's sneaky "Can't have been that easy to get rid of her." Aww, he's a sweetie. A mean sweetie, but still a sweetie. Some of the narrative was great too! "After ten years of not seeing her, now he wanted nothing more than to never see her again." I love this sentence, and it really sums up how Eidan feels about Ethel, and also shows how he wants nothing to do with his home and the shadows, even his sisters. I think he is genuinely a good person, and is just scared he will succumb to the darkness if he comes into contact with it again. I think he is scared of who he is. :(

The character development in this is also amazing. I love how you subtly show that Caelum still loves Celeste, like how he is worried about Jenna, and quickly suggests allowing Celeste to heal her. He acts like he doesn't care and has no emotions, but his actions suggest otherwise :) JENNA AND EIDAN FOREVER! YEAH!

Some small points to watch out for: you overuse the verb 'Shudder.' I think it is in every chapter so far... And also, ensure you aren't overusing rhetorical questions, or else they start to lose their effect. Also, it seemed unconvincing when you said Eidan had a habit of tugging his sleeves. I think if it was a habit, we should have found out about it by now. OTHER THAN THAT THIS STORY IS AMAZING. AND NOW I AM SHOUTING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE THIS STORY IS ABSOLUTLEY AMAZING. YOU ARE ABSOLUTLEY AMAZING!

Yes, there I go, overusing exclamation marks, and I hate abusing punctuation, but you deserve every single one and more!

I am guessing Morgan is going to be some messed up genius kid. Wait, he lives in the water kingdom right? Oh oh oh oh oh! Maybe he'll be some messed up genius kid brandishing a fish! That, or a mermaid. Merdude... Oh I don't know the correct term for it, it's been ages since I watched The Little Mermaid :D

Keep writing and following your dreams!

-Vicky x
4/9/2012 c30 10Vivace.Assai
Okay, onto another chapter! I'm curious about this one, though it certainly is long...

Zeph's curse is still there! I can't believe this! Why? Why? Why, andHeavenfell... um... I mean, seredemia... But this makes everything so much worse. I do wonder why the curse won't leave Zeph - clearly it must be related to his past life as Aphyron.

*a few seconds later* Oh... so I am right. But that is rather tragic that Zeph must die young. I'm wondering if this story will concern itself with stopping the cycle created by Celeste's and Caelum's mistakes later on. Or that fate just plays out that way in the end...

Also, I love how you described Jenna's attempts at getting Mana away from Zeph. It was so hilarious and cute - the narration perfectly fit Jenna's character, too. But then it did get serious really REALLY fast... and I liked it. It goes back to that humor/tragedy contrast thing I mentioned in the last review. The comedy just made everything so much darker later on in the chapter.


Grace is Eidan's half-sister? And they are engaged? And Eidan is engaged to Ethel, his other half-sister?





Well, it's rather shocking news. It's certainly unique. Slightly unconventional. Due to the fact that I'm a member of society and am ruled by societal standards of what is appropriate and inappropriate, I'm slightly unhinged by this revelation. However, also due to the fact that I'm a writer and am thus incredibly supportive of interesting ideas and creations (even if they go against societal standards), I like the twist. It definitely adds a whole new level of complexity to the plot and the relationships between Eidan and his sisters. Furthermore, you've done well in contrasting how Eidan and Jenna are different - these two are from completely different worlds with completely different traditions. Thus, I'm totally fine with it (though I had to go through the stages of crisis first - so: shock, denial, confusion, reconstruction of equilibrium, and finally acceptance).

The part with Eidan and Jenna in the end was cute, too (btw... I almost wrote Eidan and Zeph... *ahem - pushing away that almost blunder to the darkest recesses of her mind*). And your development of the overall relationships with everybody was nice, too. Like Zeph's clear distrust of Eidan.

Overall, a great chapter! I really enjoyed it.

Signing off...
4/9/2012 c35 4OneOriginalThing
I'm sure the gods aren't that cruel. I mean, come on that's just inhuman. And also Ethan seems so mean! It gets me angry, she grew up with grace, their sisters she should care about her, even if it's just a little bit. I loved eiden in this chapter, he's just so cute!
4/9/2012 c13 2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
lol this chapter was cute. He really shouldn't blame her, even commoners I'd imagine don't starve for multiple days. You wrote it to make her seem like a whiney princess..but honestly, she's being reasonable so its odd you wrote it in this manner. Still, the quips between the two is cute.

Despite his rudeness, you can't help but like Zeph. Sure, he's untrustworthy but somehow I like the dude anyways lol

OMG that scene was so funny. "She likes bondage, alright?" XD wow. Classy Zeph, classy. Its odd that she isn't taking this oppertunity to get free more, but maybe that wouldn't really help her. -shrugs- either way, cute scene..but gotta wonder why she isn't standing up for herself more around the guard.

I find it odd for Eidan and Caelum to suddenly be getting along in this manner..its fishy but more of feels like out of character writing =\ But Its nice to see more about Caelum I guess. Even if it DOES make little sense, as he said. lol

ha, cute.

"there's nothing you can do.

she was always meant to die. "

now you're just trolling :p
4/9/2012 c12 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
It felt a tad short, but enjoyable. I love the concept of seeing Air people, though the colors and the mention of "dirt" bothered me some, I usually picture air people wearing pretty shades of greenish blue, but maybe thats just me. Zephi is a fitting name, works fine. I liked this chapter, though I don't have much to say on it. I look forward to seeing more of Zeph, the scamp already interests me as a character lol
4/9/2012 c11 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
This chapter was a mixed bag. It felt short and like nothing much happened, which bothered me. But I loved seeing Lucan again, which in itself was a partial reward.

I'd say you need to make future chapters feel more complete, because as it stands, it feels like part of a chapter, not a full chapter..even whats in the chapter feels like there wasn't much given...there was no real meat to the chapter imo and I expect better of you. At the same time, what little you gave did give us a peak into how Lucan feels and what his current circumstances are for the situation.

I find no problems with you having to find information on how bow and arrows work tho, that's fine lol

I'm most of all curious about his odd sister, and how she did what she did to him. As for the hints at the beggining and end of the chapter..I have ideas, but I don't feel like sharing them yet :)
4/9/2012 c10 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Interesting chapter as usual. I feel sorry for Jenna, and find it stupid Eidan wont' tell her what's going on. It'd make it so much easier for both of them if he just told her. But we need pointless drama I guess -rolls eyes-

I won't necessarily say I'm surprised, since this is how movies often do things for example..but it just bothers me to have pointless drama that if someone like Edien was STUPID, he'd just tell her what's going on, make it so much easier for both of them -facepalm-

This chapter's cliffhanger has me hooked though, I must keep reading! lol Caelum is an interesting Villian. I don't hate him, he's just a bad guy, nothing more. I like Bad guys (I know, I'm odd) but the fact you say people don't like him makes sense..he's a bad guy! DERP, sometimes people love to hate bad guys..kinda the facts of how things are. I like your story, don't worry too much on it.

1. No, it didn't move too slowly.

2. I haven't a clue honestly.

3. Jenna

4. Grace, but oddly, I want to see more of her just to see if she has any redeeming qualities.

5. Eidan but I want to see much more of Lucan anyways.
4/9/2012 c9 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Right off the bat, the opening of this chapter makes me immediately think "so Caelum is the God of Darkness and Seles the Goddess of Light perhaps?"

Ah..predictably so...She's Celes. Sorry to say it was obvious a mile away once you said Eiden was Caelum but ah well, still a good story. Doesn't have to be secret anymore, it just is a story that continues to be truly interesting. I have to say, even though you revealed who they were, that's okay. The story is still highly entertaining and this revalation may only serve to add one more element to this chapters intreque. Yeah I think i'm over-using the same words alot, sorry about that. I just love what you've done with this story here lol

Onwards to the next chapter! yosh!~

(still hope for a review for review btw. On both my stories if possible, since I plan to be reading this thing for the long haul lol)
4/9/2012 c8 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
You almost made me pity Grace. Almost. I guess I can understand her sadness, but I still can't stand her lol. All the same, I'm definitely interested on this killing urge part of the story, and find it funny how he is about his memories, All the same, its very odd the way its going. Seems likely my initial impressions may not've given this story proper credit where its due. For that, I apologize. This is truly an interesting story, to say the least.

I also stick by what I said before, it really is a story worth being physically published..it's just that good.

woah deja vu. (I have my own version of deja vu, where something that just happened I recall dreaming every detail of it BEFORE it happened. Some call them premonitions, I tend to call it deja vu). I was reading that part about her nervousness about the children, on my laptop and everything. Heh, been awhile since I've had deja vu in this way..still weirds me out XD

This one was really good chapter, I like the idea of him having a monster such as Caelum in him now that I look at it kind of like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. Or even the Hulk for a more nerdy perspective lol I'm interested..and looking forward to the next chapter.
4/9/2012 c7 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Haha I love how Lucan is. "What about your guards? Were they not meant to return here in five minutes?"

Lucan practically said "Look at all the fucks I give, they're just falling from the sky." XD (forgive the language, its just how the expression goes)

I like this chapter for sure. I'm getting confident Eiden is a vampire and Lucan is a werewolf, but so far this story is too good to compare to Twilight so hopefully this can be my last mention of it.

I still hate Grace of course. Beggining to think maybe Eiden is from the Dark Kingdom, which is indeed interesting as well.

The ending of this chapter seriously bothers me..in ways I can hardly explain. I never like the multiple personality angle..though I figure its probably more like possession, which doesn't make me feel any better either. This serious..bugs me. But I will continue and read the next chapter out of curiocity I suppose.
4/9/2012 c6 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
You tease! I HAVE to read the next chapter now lol this is really good, I honestly can't say much more than I already have.

I liked the way this woman Grace is being portrayed

(I still think she's a vampire and that Lucan is a werewolf.) and I loved seeing the characters in this situation. Is it bad I already want Grace dead? XD (er well, you know what I mean)

It's odd really, but I don't like Grace at all. I feel like she's invading where she's unwanted, but maybe that's the intention of your writing? Either way, this chapter was really interesting and I'm definitely looking forward to reading the next one!
4/9/2012 c5 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Going slow, but that's okay. Don't rush it. This is the perfect pacing for the kind of story you are trying to tell. There's really not much for me to say right now, other than I like where the plot is going..and I'm guessing he's a former vampire, while Lucan is an obvious werewolf. (The name gives it a way and the moon thing). As long as this is more underworld and less twilight I'm fine with it though :p but seriously, good story so far.

Good build up, excellent writing..I'd have to say I'm definitely getting more and more drawn into this story, if that's even possible lol
4/9/2012 c4 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
This chapter is the best so far..its drawing me in increasingly. I'm very interested in seeing where it goes..he seems to be some sort of Vampire I think, but then, maybe something only somewhat similar since he has no craving for blood..Dark Elf or something perhaps? bah, no mention of pointy ears so doubt it. JEEZ. I'm already trying to figure it out before I even read it lol

This is definitely a good story and I will continue reading. Good chapter by the way. I liked it alot and I'm interested to see where this is going.
4/9/2012 c3 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Just realized "chapter 1" was the prologue. Whoopsee. Well anyways...its intriguing your method of using the brief italic paragraphs in between parts of the story. I can say that much. This chapter was definitely more interesting than the last, and I feel like I want to know more about whom this mysterious woman is, and what her ties are to Eidan. Ex-girlfriend? Perhaps his sister or mother? (hey, it is fantasy so it could be.)

Either way, I liked this chapter. It was well paced, well written and it gave nice little details that got us to know his character a bit better. I definitely like him more than the princess. I also have to say your writing is definitely good enough to be physically published, but then, considering how many review you've had, that isn't surprising. Hopefully you'll see this and I get a review for review on a chapter basis :p
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