for Penumbrae4/15/2013 c54 
2CieloRayn
Hmm, interesting chapter indeed. I can understand the slow updates because I've been having the same problem lol. There were a couple minor spelling errors, but overall quite an interesting chapter ).
2CieloRaynHmm, interesting chapter indeed. I can understand the slow updates because I've been having the same problem lol. There were a couple minor spelling errors, but overall quite an interesting chapter ).
4/15/2013 c53 CieloRayn
Great chapter as always ) I'm sad that Jenna keeps on turning away from Eidan when he is trying to right his wrong lol. There was a lot of tension ).
Great chapter as always ) I'm sad that Jenna keeps on turning away from Eidan when he is trying to right his wrong lol. There was a lot of tension ).
4/15/2013 c23 celiakings
Just reviewing to say that I LOVE Zeph and Eidan bickering with each other! It's so funny and it's even funnier seeing how Eidan is so annoyed by him, but I am worried about them now that they're caught...
Just reviewing to say that I LOVE Zeph and Eidan bickering with each other! It's so funny and it's even funnier seeing how Eidan is so annoyed by him, but I am worried about them now that they're caught...
4/14/2013 c19 celiakings
Hello! It's Cee! I made an account so that I could review properly because this story is really drawing me in. I have to say that I love Eidan's and Jenna's relationship because it's so obvious that they are such good friends. I really hope that they end up being together. I'm guessing they do because this story is in the romance genre. As for the genre, I like that even though this is romance, it doesn't just focus on that. I think that makes it really different from most of the romance stories here in Fictionpress. Anyway I just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying this story at the moment so expect more reviews from me in the future!
Hello! It's Cee! I made an account so that I could review properly because this story is really drawing me in. I have to say that I love Eidan's and Jenna's relationship because it's so obvious that they are such good friends. I really hope that they end up being together. I'm guessing they do because this story is in the romance genre. As for the genre, I like that even though this is romance, it doesn't just focus on that. I think that makes it really different from most of the romance stories here in Fictionpress. Anyway I just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying this story at the moment so expect more reviews from me in the future!
4/14/2013 c54 2NightlyDreamer
WOW.
That is all I have to say for this Chapter. Just wow. So the darkness really did take over Lucan. :( I miss his old self.
Ethel. The witch! All she wants is power. Poor Vincent. I feel sorry for him.
2NightlyDreamerWOW.
That is all I have to say for this Chapter. Just wow. So the darkness really did take over Lucan. :( I miss his old self.
Ethel. The witch! All she wants is power. Poor Vincent. I feel sorry for him.
4/14/2013 c54 1illusionae
I can't believe they have to play some deadly game in a maze with Lucan now. Ethel is an insane villain and I really want to know why she wants to kill everyone, even her own brother and sister. She must have a reason?
I'm really glad that Jenna decided to come with Eidan because it just goes to show that she still does care for him deep down. Now I just hope that neither of them die in this game...
1illusionaeI can't believe they have to play some deadly game in a maze with Lucan now. Ethel is an insane villain and I really want to know why she wants to kill everyone, even her own brother and sister. She must have a reason?
I'm really glad that Jenna decided to come with Eidan because it just goes to show that she still does care for him deep down. Now I just hope that neither of them die in this game...
4/13/2013 c54 v-n-ll-y
Haha so I only write reviews slightly more often than I update so yeah, might've lost a bit of my reviewing touch but we'll see how this goes.
Hurr I guess most people are still hating on Lucan by this point. I kind of mostly agree with everything he says to Jenna though /shot and trampled by pro-Jenna party/ because it's more or less true, though he's twisted parts here and there. I still miss the old Lucan though, poor baby ;_; I kind of just want him to like break from Ethel's control and be back to normal and be happy somehow and maybe not die but that might be asking too much. Well if he does die it would be enough for him to at least not be possessed and be happy but I don't know Q_Q
Although yeah I do like how possessed Lucan doesn't really even flinch at being shot because that's how psychopaths roll and that's something I like in an antagonistic role sometimes, heh. (I still want to draw psycho Lucan but don't have time to draw anymore U_U)
I guess I am sympathising with Jenna *slightly* more now because of Mana's insight in the situation, especially with her comments about Jenna's reaction to Vincent's birth. I suppose it's just having that other perspective on the whole situation that makes it easier to sympathise with Jenna; she does still seem to care for Eidan on a lower level of consciousness, but mostly she's trying to convince herself she doesn't need him anymore. So I think it was probably the extent of her stubbornness that I found irritating for the last few chapters.
Even though Lucan wasn't exactly himself when he did it, I can still understand Caelum's reaction to seeing him. I mean, not only would it be a typical reflexive action of someone who's vengeful, but it's something that's very suited to Caelum's character and personality (I visualised a rugby tackle kind of thing /cough).
Baww the Eidan/Jenna moment ;_; I don't think they're fully reconciled yet, but it really feels like they're slowly getting there. And ahaha Zeph's "You better come back coz I ain't looking after your kid" :')
Welcome to the Psycho Games o_O I'm fairly sure by this point everyone is aware Ethel is a psychopath (I seem to be overusing this word in this review, my bad) but what still intrigues me is what exactly she has to gain from all the chaos and manipulation.
Spotted a few things here and there I thought might be worth mentioning (though I had lunch in the middle of reviewing so I've probably left a few out).
[She knew Lucan had changed drastically – but why?]
["It seems that having that bastard child of yours has changed you drastically."]
-These sentences are pretty close together so it feels a bit repetitive reading 'drastically' twice.
["Oh no you don't," Mana scowled at him.]
-More of a punctuation thing and it's actually very minor, but since scowling or frowning is not strictly a verbal action, I would either add a verbal action and 'with a scowl' (or words to that effect) or else swap the comma for a full stop. (Actually I'm fairly sure you can keep the comma and change the full stop but that would involve changing the next part of the dialogue as well and ugh...)
[To Jenna's horror, Lucan appeared from the shadows, covered head to toe in blood.]
[Lucan, who was hunched over, with blood dripping from his arms, his hair, his legs. He was soaked entirely in blood.]
-Just felt that it was a little bit redundant in the second part; I guess if there's blood dripping from everywhere there's no real need to state he's soaked entirely in blood.
[when it is death you are against with?]
-Just the last part doesn't make much sense since you have a double preposition there and so it rather hampers the effect you're trying to create. I personally think the 'with' is unnecessary.
The other thing I noticed wasn't really erroneous, but I felt that there was a lot of telling rather than showing, which is probably a result of long breaks between updates (trust me, I know) because it just read a bit differently to other chapters. I won't point everything out because I can't spot them all either, plus I don't want this to turn into another one of my epically long reviews (which I imagine it's in the process of becoming) so I'll just use one example.
[Through the midst of it, she heard the shattering of metal and the sound of Grace gasping.]
[She was standing now, the chains around her foot having been magically shattered.]
-The first part is fine because Jenna may not have been looking in the direction and wouldn't have seen what shattered. In the second part, the thing about the chains being magically shattered is very 'tell' to me; since you used sensory descriptions in the first part (hearing), you could keep running with that and use a visual description, eg. fragments of the chains lying at her feet or whatever.
Sorry about the length, I don't know how to cut words when reviewing XD
Anyway, things are sort of getting into this Final Battle kind of vibe and the story's pretty close to the end, so I'm interested to see how everything plays out until that point.
Cheers!
Haha so I only write reviews slightly more often than I update so yeah, might've lost a bit of my reviewing touch but we'll see how this goes.
Hurr I guess most people are still hating on Lucan by this point. I kind of mostly agree with everything he says to Jenna though /shot and trampled by pro-Jenna party/ because it's more or less true, though he's twisted parts here and there. I still miss the old Lucan though, poor baby ;_; I kind of just want him to like break from Ethel's control and be back to normal and be happy somehow and maybe not die but that might be asking too much. Well if he does die it would be enough for him to at least not be possessed and be happy but I don't know Q_Q
Although yeah I do like how possessed Lucan doesn't really even flinch at being shot because that's how psychopaths roll and that's something I like in an antagonistic role sometimes, heh. (I still want to draw psycho Lucan but don't have time to draw anymore U_U)
I guess I am sympathising with Jenna *slightly* more now because of Mana's insight in the situation, especially with her comments about Jenna's reaction to Vincent's birth. I suppose it's just having that other perspective on the whole situation that makes it easier to sympathise with Jenna; she does still seem to care for Eidan on a lower level of consciousness, but mostly she's trying to convince herself she doesn't need him anymore. So I think it was probably the extent of her stubbornness that I found irritating for the last few chapters.
Even though Lucan wasn't exactly himself when he did it, I can still understand Caelum's reaction to seeing him. I mean, not only would it be a typical reflexive action of someone who's vengeful, but it's something that's very suited to Caelum's character and personality (I visualised a rugby tackle kind of thing /cough).
Baww the Eidan/Jenna moment ;_; I don't think they're fully reconciled yet, but it really feels like they're slowly getting there. And ahaha Zeph's "You better come back coz I ain't looking after your kid" :')
Welcome to the Psycho Games o_O I'm fairly sure by this point everyone is aware Ethel is a psychopath (I seem to be overusing this word in this review, my bad) but what still intrigues me is what exactly she has to gain from all the chaos and manipulation.
Spotted a few things here and there I thought might be worth mentioning (though I had lunch in the middle of reviewing so I've probably left a few out).
[She knew Lucan had changed drastically – but why?]
["It seems that having that bastard child of yours has changed you drastically."]
-These sentences are pretty close together so it feels a bit repetitive reading 'drastically' twice.
["Oh no you don't," Mana scowled at him.]
-More of a punctuation thing and it's actually very minor, but since scowling or frowning is not strictly a verbal action, I would either add a verbal action and 'with a scowl' (or words to that effect) or else swap the comma for a full stop. (Actually I'm fairly sure you can keep the comma and change the full stop but that would involve changing the next part of the dialogue as well and ugh...)
[To Jenna's horror, Lucan appeared from the shadows, covered head to toe in blood.]
[Lucan, who was hunched over, with blood dripping from his arms, his hair, his legs. He was soaked entirely in blood.]
-Just felt that it was a little bit redundant in the second part; I guess if there's blood dripping from everywhere there's no real need to state he's soaked entirely in blood.
[when it is death you are against with?]
-Just the last part doesn't make much sense since you have a double preposition there and so it rather hampers the effect you're trying to create. I personally think the 'with' is unnecessary.
The other thing I noticed wasn't really erroneous, but I felt that there was a lot of telling rather than showing, which is probably a result of long breaks between updates (trust me, I know) because it just read a bit differently to other chapters. I won't point everything out because I can't spot them all either, plus I don't want this to turn into another one of my epically long reviews (which I imagine it's in the process of becoming) so I'll just use one example.
[Through the midst of it, she heard the shattering of metal and the sound of Grace gasping.]
[She was standing now, the chains around her foot having been magically shattered.]
-The first part is fine because Jenna may not have been looking in the direction and wouldn't have seen what shattered. In the second part, the thing about the chains being magically shattered is very 'tell' to me; since you used sensory descriptions in the first part (hearing), you could keep running with that and use a visual description, eg. fragments of the chains lying at her feet or whatever.
Sorry about the length, I don't know how to cut words when reviewing XD
Anyway, things are sort of getting into this Final Battle kind of vibe and the story's pretty close to the end, so I'm interested to see how everything plays out until that point.
Cheers!
4/13/2013 c54 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
Well look who's back! And with such a great chapter too...or, well, lead up chapter. Is this the last climax of the story? I know it's this uber long fantasy with 4252432 parts, but is this it? It feels like the stakes are higher somehow, and I'm crazed to find out what finally happens in the end. I mean, I've been reading this story for at least a year or so. It's good be so weird to see it end...
Your first scene...I liked how you utilized Lucan's words to really get the point across. It felt different than other interactions Jenna and evil Lucan have had, and it sort of helped shift the story into this "this is it" tone - it's all so cool. And, hah, ouch, Lucan, talk about a burn with that bastard child comment. No wonder Jenna finally grew the balls to shoot him! The little inner battle with Jenna about what Lucan has become was a nice touch between the dialogue as well.
Then, that second scene. I think my favorite part was hearing that little bit from Mana about how Jenna was crying when Vincent was born. it'd be quite interesting if we could see more Jenna with baby/Jenna pregnant scenes - the emotions she felt during that time feel so strong and I can imagine you can bring out some crazy intense emotions with your hundreds of readers. (How do you have so many reviewers? jeez!)
Then, ooh boy, this maze sounds so intense! It's like that arena in the Earth Kingdom, but so much worse! I can't wait! Gah, you have to update! This story is so amazing: it's truly the first high fantasy I've really ever read and it will probably always remain my favorite. You are an excellent writer and I hope you try to publish this one day.
3thenutrunningthenuthouseWell look who's back! And with such a great chapter too...or, well, lead up chapter. Is this the last climax of the story? I know it's this uber long fantasy with 4252432 parts, but is this it? It feels like the stakes are higher somehow, and I'm crazed to find out what finally happens in the end. I mean, I've been reading this story for at least a year or so. It's good be so weird to see it end...
Your first scene...I liked how you utilized Lucan's words to really get the point across. It felt different than other interactions Jenna and evil Lucan have had, and it sort of helped shift the story into this "this is it" tone - it's all so cool. And, hah, ouch, Lucan, talk about a burn with that bastard child comment. No wonder Jenna finally grew the balls to shoot him! The little inner battle with Jenna about what Lucan has become was a nice touch between the dialogue as well.
Then, that second scene. I think my favorite part was hearing that little bit from Mana about how Jenna was crying when Vincent was born. it'd be quite interesting if we could see more Jenna with baby/Jenna pregnant scenes - the emotions she felt during that time feel so strong and I can imagine you can bring out some crazy intense emotions with your hundreds of readers. (How do you have so many reviewers? jeez!)
Then, ooh boy, this maze sounds so intense! It's like that arena in the Earth Kingdom, but so much worse! I can't wait! Gah, you have to update! This story is so amazing: it's truly the first high fantasy I've really ever read and it will probably always remain my favorite. You are an excellent writer and I hope you try to publish this one day.
4/13/2013 c2 Cee
I've only read a couple of chapters so far and now I'm so excited to read the rest. I can tell from your reviews that this is a really good story so I can't wait to read this! So far I think Jenna and Eidan are so cute and I hope that they eventually get together because they obviously like each other!
I've only read a couple of chapters so far and now I'm so excited to read the rest. I can tell from your reviews that this is a really good story so I can't wait to read this! So far I think Jenna and Eidan are so cute and I hope that they eventually get together because they obviously like each other!
4/13/2013 c54 Guest
YES! PLEASE GO BACK TO FREQUENTLY UPDATING AGAIN!
YES! PLEASE GO BACK TO FREQUENTLY UPDATING AGAIN!
4/13/2013 c54 levisama
YOU UPDATED. I was so glad once I checked my email and saw an alert message from this story! This chapter was definitely worth the wait and I love the idea that they're in a maze running away from Lucan now! I'm getting worried now though because I have a feeling that Lucan and Grace will die soon... And what happened to Caelum? Did Lucan kill him? I hope not. It's just all getting tense because Ethel looks really powerful AND she's completely insane. I don't like the possibility of everyone dying and Ethel winning in the end. The way this story is going and what the italics are saying, it looks possible that death is the only way.
YOU UPDATED. I was so glad once I checked my email and saw an alert message from this story! This chapter was definitely worth the wait and I love the idea that they're in a maze running away from Lucan now! I'm getting worried now though because I have a feeling that Lucan and Grace will die soon... And what happened to Caelum? Did Lucan kill him? I hope not. It's just all getting tense because Ethel looks really powerful AND she's completely insane. I don't like the possibility of everyone dying and Ethel winning in the end. The way this story is going and what the italics are saying, it looks possible that death is the only way.
4/13/2013 c53 Jess
PLEASE UPDATE THIS. I started reading this yesterday and I am so addicted! You have an amazing story that is so detailed and I love all the characters. I am really sad that I've caught up and this chapter ended in such a cliffhanger, so I am hoping that this story is updated soon! PLEASE.
PLEASE UPDATE THIS. I started reading this yesterday and I am so addicted! You have an amazing story that is so detailed and I love all the characters. I am really sad that I've caught up and this chapter ended in such a cliffhanger, so I am hoping that this story is updated soon! PLEASE.
3/14/2013 c53 Blissful Serindipity
Wow. I realize that this story is almost over, which makes me upset.
I miss Jenna and Eidan being best friends! But Jenna had to grow up sometime. This did it, lol.
Is Vincent going to be the main character, or one of them, in the sequel? :)
Wow. I realize that this story is almost over, which makes me upset.
I miss Jenna and Eidan being best friends! But Jenna had to grow up sometime. This did it, lol.
Is Vincent going to be the main character, or one of them, in the sequel? :)
2/26/2013 c1 Debs
I've only read a few chapters but I can see you are a very good writer with a strong grip on the fantasy world you create. The characters are also slowly revealing themselves while a hint of mysteries to come is being given. Since this is an original story, I am earnestly telling you that you should, in fact you must approach as many publishers you can to get yourself published.
I've only read a few chapters but I can see you are a very good writer with a strong grip on the fantasy world you create. The characters are also slowly revealing themselves while a hint of mysteries to come is being given. Since this is an original story, I am earnestly telling you that you should, in fact you must approach as many publishers you can to get yourself published.