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for This Was Yours

12/24/2010 c1 30sophiesix
nice! love how you included the dutch, that was totally unexpected and awesome. Again, a bit more fleshing out of the details of setting and things would've polished this off nicely for me, but it was still a great read. merry christmas!
11/27/2010 c1 12lianoid
Ah! You continued the piece! Excellent.:D

It's not like she was going to miss one piece.

-Edit?: I feel as though this sentence isn’t in the same tense as the rest of the piece. I think it should be, “It wasn’t like she was going to miss one piece” instead.

He was just glad that some day soon, he will be as tall as they will be, but still that day was too far away for his liking.

-Edit?: Same thing here. I feel as though it should be, “...he would be as tall as they were...” Also, should “some day” be one word, maybe?

As expected, I really enjoyed this piece. Again, your writing has a beautiful, careful flow to it that makes for a wonderful reading. I love the focus on the single tiny brick, and how your summary incorporates it too. I just think this whole thing is rather clever, really. It’s so well constructed, much like assembling something brick by brick. I would love to see this continued, I really find your writing to be quite enjoyable.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/26/2010 c1 4lookingwest
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)

With that the book closed on that chapter of my life.

-Style: this sounds like an incomplete thought fragment...I'm not sure where it was going but I feel like it needs something more, it was kind of just left hanging there in its own paragraph too, maybe combine it with the paragraph after it to finish the thought? Not sure.

I love how you can always incorporate something about different cultures into your fiction because it really adds a new dimension and showcases characters and settings that are new and ones I haven't encountered before with narratives, so the dialect thing was pretty cool and enlightening.

I liked the description of the Lego in the boys hand towards the beginning when he mentions the red bumps, that whole paragraph was written really well and I liked it because I could really visualize what he was gripping and how it effected him as far as feelings, etc.

Overall, this was quite short, but there were some great moments!

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