Just In
for Empires after Sanctuaries

12/19/2010 c1 Link Hoshi
Hey there! Wowz, I like this one...I like it a lot owo

You did a great job discribing everything, the burning buildings, Jake's emotions; well done!

Ugh, when Anna told Jame Noelle was his sister I almost spat out the pop I was drinking! It was a surprise to me, I wasn't expecting that n.n'

I like your both your stories so far! Lemme know when this one gets updated too!
12/11/2010 c1 63William G. Thorne
wonderully written chapter, it caught my attention immediatly.

only thing that I think you could improve on is half-way through the story many of the paragraphs are broken up into sentances, instead of placed together in paragraph format and it was very difficult to read through it.

other than that you have a solid start and I will definatly keep my eyes open to new posts.

12/9/2010 c1 Punslinger
This is a good opening chapter-well-drawn characters, interesting plot and a cliffhanger ending that makes readers want to learn more. But I have to agree with Katie that Jake seems too casual about seeing his city destroyed. Some emotional reactions would make him seem more believable.
11/27/2010 c1 Maggie Johnson
So here's my review - I read both of the others that were here for this story so I wouldn't be repeating what everyone else was saying...

I would start the story "Then a screech of tires..." because that's where it really gets interesting for the reader. That's where I was hooked in to the action. All the information before that line can be worked in at a later time, when the reader is engaged with Jake as a character.

Try to eliminate "seemingly" and "it seemed that" because it makes the writing weaker. There's already a very strong tone of confusion and suspense here without using that word.

I agree with Katie's advice to include more of Jake's thoughts and emotions. It'll make readers relate to and sympathize with him, which is what you want to keep readers reading.

The break in the chapter where Anna leads Jake around the house - if the house is going to be a major setting in the story, you should describe the house as Jake sees it... but if it's not going to be a major setting, then just ignore what I said!

The chapter ends on a good note. I can very clearly see this as an action movie or TV show - and right after that line, it cuts to a commercial or a "stay tuned for scenes..." line. Nice.

Also, as Katie said, you set up a lot of good questions here that make the reader want to continue. For now, don't worry too much about the quality of the writing - just get the plot written! There's always time for revision later. :)
11/20/2010 c1 GriLl0ws
Wow, this story looks like it is going to develop into quite an action/adventure story here! I would love to read more when you post it, it seems like a story I could really get into.

Awesome job! I know you said this was a draft, but I think you're doing a really good job so far. Keep up the great work!

11/7/2010 c1 6Katie Runyon
The beginning was good, but it might be better if you started the chapter out with the car crash. And when the guy is stumbling out of the car, you might want to show a little more with him babbling on about needing to get out of the city now and trying and trying to stumble away, maybe even after he falls. (And if you wanted to add in any of that information in the beginning, you can have him thinking about it as he's walking to work.)

When the city is being destroyed, you may want to also include what other people are doing. Since there was no mention of them, it almost seems like he's the last person there. I would think there would be people running everywhere. And maybe give a reason why they might have singled out Jake to give him a ride among the other people around. And maybe even have one of them slip up and call him by his name. Plus, withe things exploding everywhere and rubble in the road, you could ramp up the escape a little. People might even be flinging themselves on the car to use it to escape.

And maybe when Anna begins to leak too much information, Mikhail pulls her aside and Jake overhears a word or two, instead of her just saying they'll tell him later.

And Jake might be questioning who the heck they are. They know so much about him, but he barely knows their name, none-the-less who they are and what they're doing. He might also question why they would want to help this woman first.

And my last suggestion (I promise!), is that you add in a little more emotion and maybe even thoughts. Right now Jake seems a little stiff. You have him asking the questions he needs to ask in order to get the plot going where you want it to, but if it were me, I'd be asking a lot more questions and still be a little shocked after knowing that all my friends and co-workers were probably now dead. And that my home was destroyed and my life thrown upside down. That is as much a part of the story as is the mysteries of what the heck is going on! :) Then knowing that my sister who I thought was dead is now alive, would be another great big shock. (Especially with the casualness that Anna tells him.)

Okay, now onto the good, so it doesn't seem like the story sucks, because it doesn't! There is a nice amount of intrigue, lots of questions that need answers. Like why was the city destroyed? Who are these people? What do they want? Who destroyed the city? Etc. And the fact that his seemingly dead sister is alive and well (for the most part) is another big deal. So a lot happened in this chapter, and it promises more mysteries to come. Questions are always good, because the reader wants to keep reading in order to find the answers. You have a great start to a story, especially for a draft. Fleshing it out a bit more will just make it even better!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service