for Sowing Season10/30/2010 c1 
1JaffaFoose
Opening: The opening was pretty good, but I’d say not great. In concept, it’s got a good hook. Two character dying in a drunken car accident in the first paragraph? Very nice start. The problem for me was that it just happened too quickly for my taste. There just wasn’t really any drama to it, and I didn’t find it exciting. I guess I just think you could stand to dwell on the opening paragraph a bit more, but maybe that’s just me.
Ending: The ending was great, I thought. Sort of Romeo-and-Juliet-ish, but with some different twists on it, and done very well.
Scene: I absolutely must comment on the poem Jesse wrote in Moriah’s blood. The scene itself was good, but that poem was fantastic. I think it accomplished everything you could possibly have wanted it to. It conveyed so much pain, so much envy, so much heartache, and so much spite, that it made me both love and hate Jesse simultaneously.
Dialogue: This was definitely a very strong point, in my mind. Your dialogue was very good. Very believable, very realistic. The kind of stuff I could really imagine people saying in these kinds of situations. I especially liked the simple but powerful delivery of the sentence, “I can’t feel,” from Jesse. Nothing special, just a bulldozing truth. Very well done.
Spelling/Grammar: I didn’t see any typos to speak of, but I did get the feeling you were unclear on a handful of technical rules, mostly when it comes to punctuation. For instance:
"Tell me about what happened that night Jesse." Dr. Frankford asked in her 'soothing voice'.
The opening quotation is not the end of the sentence; ‘Dr. Frankford asked…’ is part of the same sentence. So it should be a comma inside the quotation marks, not a period.
Just little things like that. Nothing very distracting or significant, but they’re there. Overall I’d say you did well in this area, though.
Enjoyment: I definitely enjoyed it, despite my complaints. :)
Plot: It was a good story, if a little bit cliché in some ways. It was a lot of things that have been done a lot of times blended together into one story, which was a unique blend, but still showed signs of some of the clichés that went into it.
Pace: This, I would say, is probably where I felt there was the most room for improvement. It just seemed to me that everything happened quickly. Felt like you were rushing toward the ending you had planned.
Overall, nice work! Just a few things to work on. :)
1JaffaFooseOpening: The opening was pretty good, but I’d say not great. In concept, it’s got a good hook. Two character dying in a drunken car accident in the first paragraph? Very nice start. The problem for me was that it just happened too quickly for my taste. There just wasn’t really any drama to it, and I didn’t find it exciting. I guess I just think you could stand to dwell on the opening paragraph a bit more, but maybe that’s just me.
Ending: The ending was great, I thought. Sort of Romeo-and-Juliet-ish, but with some different twists on it, and done very well.
Scene: I absolutely must comment on the poem Jesse wrote in Moriah’s blood. The scene itself was good, but that poem was fantastic. I think it accomplished everything you could possibly have wanted it to. It conveyed so much pain, so much envy, so much heartache, and so much spite, that it made me both love and hate Jesse simultaneously.
Dialogue: This was definitely a very strong point, in my mind. Your dialogue was very good. Very believable, very realistic. The kind of stuff I could really imagine people saying in these kinds of situations. I especially liked the simple but powerful delivery of the sentence, “I can’t feel,” from Jesse. Nothing special, just a bulldozing truth. Very well done.
Spelling/Grammar: I didn’t see any typos to speak of, but I did get the feeling you were unclear on a handful of technical rules, mostly when it comes to punctuation. For instance:
"Tell me about what happened that night Jesse." Dr. Frankford asked in her 'soothing voice'.
The opening quotation is not the end of the sentence; ‘Dr. Frankford asked…’ is part of the same sentence. So it should be a comma inside the quotation marks, not a period.
Just little things like that. Nothing very distracting or significant, but they’re there. Overall I’d say you did well in this area, though.
Enjoyment: I definitely enjoyed it, despite my complaints. :)
Plot: It was a good story, if a little bit cliché in some ways. It was a lot of things that have been done a lot of times blended together into one story, which was a unique blend, but still showed signs of some of the clichés that went into it.
Pace: This, I would say, is probably where I felt there was the most room for improvement. It just seemed to me that everything happened quickly. Felt like you were rushing toward the ending you had planned.
Overall, nice work! Just a few things to work on. :)