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4/23/2013 c1 c
"I choked on straight water.
Well you're gonna have to try the real thing."

is very similar to a a lyric from modest mouse's king rat. I was wondering if that was the reason for the italicization of the second line there. lovely bit of writing i like your style.
6/4/2011 c4 30YasuRan
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile).

This one is where I can definitely see the supernatural influence. The notes on the humiliation of death as an experience is a crude but brilliant observation. I quite like how the reader is indirectly addressed at first since it also inadvertently forces them to be spectators to the process itself. The switch from active third person POV to direct second person makes the imagery more hardhitting and surreal by completely immersing the reader in the cesspool. I'm quite impressed by how little you hold back on vulgarity. While it offers us a lewder turn of events to experience, it's a nice change from the less corporeal impressions that most writers prefer portraying.
6/4/2011 c3 YasuRan
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile).

This is vastly different from the previous two revisions. What I liked best about it was the different scenarios it leads the reader to come up with as the story progresses and the details are further elaborated on. It progresses from the carnal barbarism of supposed cannibals-in-the-making to the faux sophistication of non-literary vampires in a few short, deft paragraphs. The glimpses into their hunger-crazed mindset fueled by fear is achieved through some vivid descriptions, with enough ambiguity left over for some tension. Again, superb writing.
6/4/2011 c2 YasuRan
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile).

This is a nice draft. I find it more melancholy in tone than the one you selected for publishing in the opening descriptions of the female character. The carnal nature of some of them succeed in placing her as an object of lust to the eyes of 'others', in contrast to the narrator's grudging sympathy for her. I also like that there is seemingly no way out of the mess for all characters depicted in this. This small-scale tragedy suits the imagery summed up by the title wonderfully.
6/4/2011 c1 YasuRan
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile).

This is strange, heady, oddly provocative piece. The images you create are dirt-strewn and skewed. This comes off perfectly through your choice of words and phrasings. Great use of ellipses and incomplete sentences. They really add that colloquial tone of a worn-out monologue pulsating through the narrator's mind. He/she feels and then recreates these emotions through the shaky images in his/her head. Along with that, I get a strong sense of what they're going through without you outright mentioning what their circumstances are. I really enjoyed the visuals of 'cracks' and what they signify. Great stuff.
2/9/2011 c1 24Elennar

*Puts on favourite*

Wow. Man, I'm screwed here, Gecko: this is one of those pieces that I really, really love; but can't review well; because I just wouldn't know what to say except gush.

OK, *reads through a second time with laser intensity*

The first thing that tripped me up was the phrase, "They above", and I believe there's a similar phrase towards the end too, right?

I mean, since it's not making any sense to me as a phrase- because it's placed there like a verb; but 'above' isn't a verb. Did you mean something like, "They *who are* above"?

The thing which I liked best about this piece- well, apart from the overall awesomeness of the treatment and setting- was your word choice. Specific verbs that you use, such as 'scuttle' and 'creep' really jumped out at me. Not only do that paint vivid mental images, even their *sounds* fit the tone of the piece.

Great work, man!

Also, on a completely unrelated note, the vampire here saying 'brother' keeps reminding me of Jude.

Just random FYI...


2/1/2011 c4 7Liya Smith
It was funny cause literally this morning someone in my homeroom turns to me and goes: "Did you know when you die you pee and poop?" And I was like "Uh, yeah" and she seemed really excited by the prospect. The beginning just reminded me of that. I liked the end since it used parallelism from the birth of a baby and the birth of a vampire. (Or that's what I assumed?)

Good job!
2/1/2011 c3 Liya Smith
I really liked this. Probably more than the first. It gave a lot more to his character and you were much more blatant with the vampire aspect. Very nice. :)
2/1/2011 c2 Liya Smith
I liked this draft. It was definitely easier to understand than the first but the first definitely had that extra "oomph." I like how brief the thoughts are of the narrator- it sounds almost animalistic. I also liked this line:

"She stumbles in, keys jangling, heels click-clicking on the hardwood. I can smell the alcohol on her breath from across the room.

I'm hiding in plain view."

It's an easy picture to formulate in my mind and I can imagine him hiding in the shadows. Very interesting.
2/1/2011 c1 Liya Smith
Hi! Whew, sorry for being so late. But I happened to stumble across this and I'm hooked. I adore your writing style here. In my head when I read the italicized part I'm practically singing it to myself. I like how he fights with himself at the end- Should he suck her blood or not? Overall it's a very nice piece!
1/24/2011 c4 6ranDUMM

I really like this one! It's almost there to the final piece. Your ideas were developing before, but your style of writing really takes place here; defining lines from the end piece are here, such as "If only you knew, brother." I like that with every draft, we're travelling a little closer to the finished one.

I liked how you still had the vampire idea in here, but you didn't outright suggest like you did in the previous chapter. It was subtly alluded to, which I think made it all the more better. It was a bit morbid, but not in a bad way that gets you depressed. It was more that it really made you confront the worst things that happen when you die; and yet the best things are there as well - the 'sights', the feeling of being free, etc. That was one of the best parts, in my opinion.

I loved this, and to be honest, I loved the other two drafts as well. It was awesome to see how your final submission took form; kind of like an excursion into your mind. Fantastic work :)


P.S - I think I've once again reviewed all your stuff now, finally :P

P.P.S - I reviewed these three drafts pretty loosely, since they were only drafts.
1/24/2011 c3 ranDUMM

Ahh this one is prose rather than poetry! This was very different to the poetry piece; I quite like it! I think that this is just the same story written in a different form. I quite like it like this, it reads very well. However, similar to the previous chapter, I thought that this was a bit choppy. The second half in particular doesn't flow as well. Also, your first sentence in the piece is an extreme run-on sentence :P

I loved that the 'vampire' part of it was more pronounced in this one :D I think that in this one, the emotion is a lot more pronounced, and somewhat out there, rather than contained. I like the paragraph that starts with "The had all brushed the idea off like dirt on a shirt." I think the descriptions are fantastic, and they give me a great mental picture. I also love the subtle references of desperation and wildness. They all feel like that, I can tell, especially from the first half. I think that if this was fixed up, it would make a really awesome piece to accompany the final piece that you submitted.

A great piece!

1/24/2011 c2 ranDUMM

This chapter definitely has a 'not finished' vibe to it. It isn't as polished as your other pieces. The first part in prose was pretty well written; your phrases and such were unique and well thought up. The second two parts seemed a bit abrupt and sudden. Especially at the end with "Doesn't matter?"; that part to me, doesn't really work well with the rest.

I love the part with the 'she's stuck on repeat'. It accurately describes people who are lovesick or who are just plain obsessed with something. It's like that's the only thing she can think about. It's amusing, and very fitting for this :)

I personally like the version you ended up with rather than this one, but this is still a fantastic piece. Well done :)

1/21/2011 c4 4lookingwest
This opening reminded me a whole lot of Austen's short "Vampire's Rant", it hits really in your face with the cold hard facts of dying, and isn't idealistic or romantic in the least. I love the rawness of that opening-the middle didn't grab me quite as much, but when you came back in at the end, and those last three lines, that was fabulous, I loved how you ended this short, even if you didn't initially intend to end there. Overall with these drafts, I hope that you find a way to re-work them into some of your more concrete works, but I can see that you obviously did that with the creation of This Corner... as well. I think you ended up taking all the best parts of these drafts and what I really enjoyed the most and putting it all into that-so wonderful decision making! It was really cool to get a view into this creative process, and I loved seeing the differences and styles between these works that brought us to the final copy. Sehr kuhl!
1/21/2011 c3 lookingwest
Wow, nice vampire short here, I have to say I enjoyed the beginning more than where you were taking it though, I felt it started slipping a little once you started after the Anne Rice line-I just felt like you weren't entirely invested in the idea, which makes sense because this is a draft and it was unfinished, haha. But that beginning was sharp, man, I loved it! But don't get me wrong either, I loved the last line as well, I think you had a great idea going. The whole bit up to the "He was never quite the same..." was excellent-that's definitely my favorite paragraph in this draft. The way you describe the movement was spot on,a nd I saw it visually too. I liked the whole imagery of the darkness and the forest, again taking in that idea of "wild". It's really fun to see how your ideas started morphing into This Corner...!
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