for The Return of The Dragons The Forest of Fyein2/19/2011 c3 
18Open your eyes Chopstick
okay, i got to say pretty much the same as cole culain did already (except im not reviewing for the review marathon. lol). But first, the good stuff:
The dialgue was good. Didn't sound forced. And the descritions weren't that bad. pretty spaced out. You definitly did a good job with conveying feelings.
Here's some suggestions (take what you want from it...or dont read it. IDK how sensitive you are...)
The thing i would suggest is to NOT use bold font. at all. If you want to stress a word, use the italics. Bold words deteer from the story and is pretty annoying. Although, luckily, you used it sparingly, which was good. Too much, and it wouldn't make sense anyways. ^^
Also, instead of doing a "an hour later..." just use a page break. The reader doesnt really need to know it took an hour later. Or, if they do, insert it within the text. A page break pretty much tells the reader already either 1)the scene shifted 2)the pov changed or 3) time passed.
And, last one i promise ^^, is not to describe you character as "beautiful." You should leave that for the readers to decide by themselves based on the descriptions and personality you give us about the characters. Especially them being beautiful or not has nothing to do with the storyline itself. Telling us the character is beautiful or ugly just to say so, can leave the readers disorinated as if the author believes we cant make the destiction ourselves. (the only exception is if another character described the other person as beautiful. Then it's the character's prefrence, not the author wanting us to think so.)
Anyways, not bad. Idea sounds original so far. It doesnt stray to outlandish, but it doesnt stay TOO close to being unoriginal.
Do you mind r&r my story "Twist of Daisy?" It has a bit of twincest in the beginning, but it isnt hardcore or anything. I would like to hear your thoughts on it and if you have any advice. Thanks so much!
18Open your eyes Chopstickokay, i got to say pretty much the same as cole culain did already (except im not reviewing for the review marathon. lol). But first, the good stuff:
The dialgue was good. Didn't sound forced. And the descritions weren't that bad. pretty spaced out. You definitly did a good job with conveying feelings.
Here's some suggestions (take what you want from it...or dont read it. IDK how sensitive you are...)
The thing i would suggest is to NOT use bold font. at all. If you want to stress a word, use the italics. Bold words deteer from the story and is pretty annoying. Although, luckily, you used it sparingly, which was good. Too much, and it wouldn't make sense anyways. ^^
Also, instead of doing a "an hour later..." just use a page break. The reader doesnt really need to know it took an hour later. Or, if they do, insert it within the text. A page break pretty much tells the reader already either 1)the scene shifted 2)the pov changed or 3) time passed.
And, last one i promise ^^, is not to describe you character as "beautiful." You should leave that for the readers to decide by themselves based on the descriptions and personality you give us about the characters. Especially them being beautiful or not has nothing to do with the storyline itself. Telling us the character is beautiful or ugly just to say so, can leave the readers disorinated as if the author believes we cant make the destiction ourselves. (the only exception is if another character described the other person as beautiful. Then it's the character's prefrence, not the author wanting us to think so.)
Anyways, not bad. Idea sounds original so far. It doesnt stray to outlandish, but it doesnt stay TOO close to being unoriginal.
Do you mind r&r my story "Twist of Daisy?" It has a bit of twincest in the beginning, but it isnt hardcore or anything. I would like to hear your thoughts on it and if you have any advice. Thanks so much!
11/28/2010 c3 6Cole Culain
Another review for the review marathon. Details via link on my profile.
Okay, now the biggest issue I have here is the consistency of Caley's character. Though she has been brought up in the city her whole life, she somehow knows all the skills she needs to survive in the wilderness, be an experienced hunter, and a pathfinder and tracker? I don't think so. You should at least put in a blurb that she had a hard few days to start, but was a fast learner and quickly mastered the skills, or something like that.
The other gripe I have is your setting. You are rushing into it, cobbling parts of the world on as you go. Slow down, and add it bit by bit. Worldbuilding is a tedious process, but this site (/2009/08/fantasy-worldbuilding-questions/) should help you out. Try and channel J. K. Rowling. She built a gigantic and intricate world slowly and over a long period of time. Take it easy, and you can do the same.
6Cole CulainAnother review for the review marathon. Details via link on my profile.
Okay, now the biggest issue I have here is the consistency of Caley's character. Though she has been brought up in the city her whole life, she somehow knows all the skills she needs to survive in the wilderness, be an experienced hunter, and a pathfinder and tracker? I don't think so. You should at least put in a blurb that she had a hard few days to start, but was a fast learner and quickly mastered the skills, or something like that.
The other gripe I have is your setting. You are rushing into it, cobbling parts of the world on as you go. Slow down, and add it bit by bit. Worldbuilding is a tedious process, but this site (/2009/08/fantasy-worldbuilding-questions/) should help you out. Try and channel J. K. Rowling. She built a gigantic and intricate world slowly and over a long period of time. Take it easy, and you can do the same.
11/28/2010 c2 Cole Culain
This review is for the review marathon. There's a link to details on my profile.
Okay, a good solid foundation to a good story.
I like the way you are developing the character of Caley, even if she does seem a bit cliche. the whole orphan thief girl thing has been done before, but that doesn't make it bad. It just seems familiar, and that makes her character easy to relate to.
Again, I feel the need to comment on grammar. You have quite a few choppy sentences, and others that go on and on. Try to fix this. Also, when you mention the name of the country/city/whatever, make sure it's capitalized. These are proper nouns, just like names.
This review is for the review marathon. There's a link to details on my profile.
Okay, a good solid foundation to a good story.
I like the way you are developing the character of Caley, even if she does seem a bit cliche. the whole orphan thief girl thing has been done before, but that doesn't make it bad. It just seems familiar, and that makes her character easy to relate to.
Again, I feel the need to comment on grammar. You have quite a few choppy sentences, and others that go on and on. Try to fix this. Also, when you mention the name of the country/city/whatever, make sure it's capitalized. These are proper nouns, just like names.
11/28/2010 c1 Cole Culain
This review is for the review marathon. Theres a link to details on my profile.
Okay, so there is a lot of potential here. I like the way your writing style works, and I find it to be quite similar to mine. Sure, there are noticeable differences, but the basis is the same, and this helped it flow for me.
Since this is only the prolouge, and there hasn't been much development of characters and/or setting yet, I'm going to comment on your grammar. On the whole, it's not bad. But use more commas. Trust me, they help. It adds to the flow, and the sentences sound more natural with the pauses the commas denote.
This review is for the review marathon. Theres a link to details on my profile.
Okay, so there is a lot of potential here. I like the way your writing style works, and I find it to be quite similar to mine. Sure, there are noticeable differences, but the basis is the same, and this helped it flow for me.
Since this is only the prolouge, and there hasn't been much development of characters and/or setting yet, I'm going to comment on your grammar. On the whole, it's not bad. But use more commas. Trust me, they help. It adds to the flow, and the sentences sound more natural with the pauses the commas denote.
11/8/2010 c1 8There's-A-Star-In-My-Hand
hi!
i realy like your idea for this story!
keep writing more! your great
cant wait foryou to add the next chapter :)
x
8There's-A-Star-In-My-Handhi!
i realy like your idea for this story!
keep writing more! your great
cant wait foryou to add the next chapter :)
x