for Yours Truly, An Indian Pessimist11/10/2011 c1 Hallowheart
Excuse me, but where is the rest of the story? Did you take it down? because there is only one chapter but you haven't wrote anything but taking down your work?
Love from
Desperate Aka Hallowheart ;D
Excuse me, but where is the rest of the story? Did you take it down? because there is only one chapter but you haven't wrote anything but taking down your work?
Love from
Desperate Aka Hallowheart ;D
5/5/2011 c4 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I think you could improve this chapter by not having the flashback style bits at the start. It doesn't fit in with the first person narrative, and breaks the flow of the story. Also, it makes it difficult to get a kind of...perspective on it, as we don't know how she found out the information. Maybe have the scene where they tell her, instead?
Err the thing with Adrian, it feels very random and rushed - maybe introduce him as a character earlier on, have SOME interaction between him and Anoush? At the moment, it just seems like she always has some guy chasing after her for no particular reason - a little depth would be nice.
Wait, she never even kissed her boyfriend? That sounds...a bit like a non-relationship to me.
Poor Anoush; I don't understand why they're taking her sister and not her? Anyway, other than what I've pointed out, I am still enjoying this story; the writing flows well and the pace works, too. Just a few plot points that you might want to smooth out, I guess. Keep it up.
99Dreamers-RequiemI think you could improve this chapter by not having the flashback style bits at the start. It doesn't fit in with the first person narrative, and breaks the flow of the story. Also, it makes it difficult to get a kind of...perspective on it, as we don't know how she found out the information. Maybe have the scene where they tell her, instead?
Err the thing with Adrian, it feels very random and rushed - maybe introduce him as a character earlier on, have SOME interaction between him and Anoush? At the moment, it just seems like she always has some guy chasing after her for no particular reason - a little depth would be nice.
Wait, she never even kissed her boyfriend? That sounds...a bit like a non-relationship to me.
Poor Anoush; I don't understand why they're taking her sister and not her? Anyway, other than what I've pointed out, I am still enjoying this story; the writing flows well and the pace works, too. Just a few plot points that you might want to smooth out, I guess. Keep it up.
4/25/2011 c3 Dreamers-Requiem
Nice chapter, I liked the ending with the cliffhanger. I do think you need to build up Anoush's emotions a bit more - she goes too suddenly from disliking to liking Lee, so maybe you could bring in that kind of conflict from the start? Also, personally (and this might just be me) I don't see WHY she hates him so much. But good for her for sticking up for her friend, even without knowing the whole story. Anyways, good stuff, keep it up.
Nice chapter, I liked the ending with the cliffhanger. I do think you need to build up Anoush's emotions a bit more - she goes too suddenly from disliking to liking Lee, so maybe you could bring in that kind of conflict from the start? Also, personally (and this might just be me) I don't see WHY she hates him so much. But good for her for sticking up for her friend, even without knowing the whole story. Anyways, good stuff, keep it up.
4/22/2011 c1 62YFIQ
Interesting story you got here.
I'll try to read some more later on when I can.
So far good work.
62YFIQInteresting story you got here.
I'll try to read some more later on when I can.
So far good work.
4/21/2011 c5 backtodecember
This chapter, particularly the end, left me confused. I feel like there's a large chunk of the story that needed to be told, to fully understand Anoushka's reactions to first Alicia's drug use, and then Adrian being a drug dealer. What led her to feel so strongly even at the mere mention? That kind of thing, if all that made sense.
This chapter, particularly the end, left me confused. I feel like there's a large chunk of the story that needed to be told, to fully understand Anoushka's reactions to first Alicia's drug use, and then Adrian being a drug dealer. What led her to feel so strongly even at the mere mention? That kind of thing, if all that made sense.
4/21/2011 c4 backtodecember
I like how you've created the love triangle, Lee and Adrian both interested (though for different reasons, clearly) in Anoushka. I cannot wait to see where you take it. And I also am intrigued to know what's going to go on with Anoush staying at Lee's house.
I like how you've created the love triangle, Lee and Adrian both interested (though for different reasons, clearly) in Anoushka. I cannot wait to see where you take it. And I also am intrigued to know what's going to go on with Anoush staying at Lee's house.
4/21/2011 c3 backtodecember
This was good, a little vague but it definitely left me wanting more. There were a couple of lines of dialogue that you forgot the closing quotation marks, so you might want to watch that, it can get confusing.
This was good, a little vague but it definitely left me wanting more. There were a couple of lines of dialogue that you forgot the closing quotation marks, so you might want to watch that, it can get confusing.
4/20/2011 c2 Iamaguy
I was looking through your sister, mandysoccer's profile and came upon this. haven't read/review in a while, so i thought i'd have a shot
I really think you need to balance out the dialogue and the action. i'm not getting a feel of anything really, i just need something about the setting.
there's good humor, which is nice to read about.
i also think Anoushka jumped and adjusted all too well into her new school. she doesn't seem to even think about her previous life. maybe add that in?
hope this was helpful
I was looking through your sister, mandysoccer's profile and came upon this. haven't read/review in a while, so i thought i'd have a shot
I really think you need to balance out the dialogue and the action. i'm not getting a feel of anything really, i just need something about the setting.
there's good humor, which is nice to read about.
i also think Anoushka jumped and adjusted all too well into her new school. she doesn't seem to even think about her previous life. maybe add that in?
hope this was helpful
4/16/2011 c2 backtodecember
This is pretty good, for a start of the second chapter, it's consistent with how the first ended.
Later on, when you say "...most walking in established pairs. Ahem. Talk about rich." I don't know how walking with an already established friend necessarily makes someone rich, same with them wearing shorts and tank tops. Are their clothes lined with gold? This part had me confused.
I liked this chapter and can't wait to find out what happens with Lee and Anoushka.
This is pretty good, for a start of the second chapter, it's consistent with how the first ended.
Later on, when you say "...most walking in established pairs. Ahem. Talk about rich." I don't know how walking with an already established friend necessarily makes someone rich, same with them wearing shorts and tank tops. Are their clothes lined with gold? This part had me confused.
I liked this chapter and can't wait to find out what happens with Lee and Anoushka.
4/10/2011 c1 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
First off, I am so sorry this is late. Anyway, I really liked this. Anoushka seems like someone I'd be friends with. Then again, that might not be such a good thing... (no comment) I really like how she blew up in the face of perfec- I mean a jerk. lol Great job.
First off, I am so sorry this is late. Anyway, I really liked this. Anoushka seems like someone I'd be friends with. Then again, that might not be such a good thing... (no comment) I really like how she blew up in the face of perfec- I mean a jerk. lol Great job.
4/10/2011 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
Again, parts of this feel a bit jumpy, a bit rushed. Sorry to repeat myself but in some cases, you might need more description/action. And the capitals at the start, I would say, are not a good idea; they're kind of glaring, and could put some readers off. It kind of bugs me that she goes from having a perfect boyfriend (who isn't mentioned here - doesn't she miss him at all?) to having two guys after her straight away. Again, just something that could put readers off. Not that there's anything wrong with love triangles, but build up some sort of relationship between them first. Have a bit more interaction, maybe.
Saying that, I think you've set this up for an interesting scenerio, so I'm keen to see what happens next. Good job. Just be careful with the rushed-ness of it :)
99Dreamers-RequiemAgain, parts of this feel a bit jumpy, a bit rushed. Sorry to repeat myself but in some cases, you might need more description/action. And the capitals at the start, I would say, are not a good idea; they're kind of glaring, and could put some readers off. It kind of bugs me that she goes from having a perfect boyfriend (who isn't mentioned here - doesn't she miss him at all?) to having two guys after her straight away. Again, just something that could put readers off. Not that there's anything wrong with love triangles, but build up some sort of relationship between them first. Have a bit more interaction, maybe.
Saying that, I think you've set this up for an interesting scenerio, so I'm keen to see what happens next. Good job. Just be careful with the rushed-ness of it :)
4/8/2011 c2 8Adrenalin
[Our posh, antique house had turned into a huge version of my cupboard – things all over the floor, an unorganized muddle of the last bits and pieces of our Indian lives.]
Haha, liked that comparison. Would an indian girl refer to Pandemonium though?
[So, in those three hours in Target , I bought four black shorts, three dresses, a bundle of short sleeved graphic tees, a couple of formal shirts, skinny jeans, shorts, shirts, eyeliner, school bags, totes, and Anisha got even more. My mum even tried to make me buy an over-the-top, highly revealing, hot pink 'party' bikini (I don't quite think she saw the 'party' bit on the label, it should have said 'Strip Club' Bikini instead) which practically screamed 'I'm open, one night stand, please!']
Yeah uh... I wonder, is that really important for the story? Because it feels really mundane - it's the sort of paragraphs a reader would tend to skip, I think.
[Of course. Lee Michaels. Obviously - I meant, it's my luck that I have to meet the very person I was trying to avoid first thing in the morning.]
Would she really give such importance to a boy she met once on her first day in a new school?
Well, Lee did get his date in the end, though he was happily helped by the school administration :)
8Adrenalin[Our posh, antique house had turned into a huge version of my cupboard – things all over the floor, an unorganized muddle of the last bits and pieces of our Indian lives.]
Haha, liked that comparison. Would an indian girl refer to Pandemonium though?
[So, in those three hours in Target , I bought four black shorts, three dresses, a bundle of short sleeved graphic tees, a couple of formal shirts, skinny jeans, shorts, shirts, eyeliner, school bags, totes, and Anisha got even more. My mum even tried to make me buy an over-the-top, highly revealing, hot pink 'party' bikini (I don't quite think she saw the 'party' bit on the label, it should have said 'Strip Club' Bikini instead) which practically screamed 'I'm open, one night stand, please!']
Yeah uh... I wonder, is that really important for the story? Because it feels really mundane - it's the sort of paragraphs a reader would tend to skip, I think.
[Of course. Lee Michaels. Obviously - I meant, it's my luck that I have to meet the very person I was trying to avoid first thing in the morning.]
Would she really give such importance to a boy she met once on her first day in a new school?
Well, Lee did get his date in the end, though he was happily helped by the school administration :)
4/7/2011 c1 Adrenalin
I really like the names, I've always thought indian names have a sing-song quality that you don't find in other languages (but Anoushka also has a sort of russian ring too).
I'd say you're exposing your characters too much.
[It was perfect – I had great friends, my grades were awesome, I was the captain of a full-powered-strength-of-hundred-all-time winning house at school, I was the captain of the school basketball team, my art classes were GREAT, I had the perfect boyfriend, the list goes on. I had everything going for me.]
For example, here, you're telling us a lot about Anoushka but it falls a little flat because we're not really seeing it. One way of showing that would be, maybe, to start with her having a phone conversation with one of her friends or her boyfriend, only to be interrupted by her mother calling for her?
Same goes for the parents, we don't really need to know that Priya is weird, it can wait until she actually does something weird. Rajesh shuttling between India and the US for his job can be invoked as the reason for the move, thus making our learning it more natural.
Lee feels really infuriating, but I wonder if the whole discussion about accents was really necessary. It's funny, true, but I think you could have used something more tenseful, because Anoushka's reaction seems a bit extreme compared with the subject.
Well, on to chapter 2.
I really like the names, I've always thought indian names have a sing-song quality that you don't find in other languages (but Anoushka also has a sort of russian ring too).
I'd say you're exposing your characters too much.
[It was perfect – I had great friends, my grades were awesome, I was the captain of a full-powered-strength-of-hundred-all-time winning house at school, I was the captain of the school basketball team, my art classes were GREAT, I had the perfect boyfriend, the list goes on. I had everything going for me.]
For example, here, you're telling us a lot about Anoushka but it falls a little flat because we're not really seeing it. One way of showing that would be, maybe, to start with her having a phone conversation with one of her friends or her boyfriend, only to be interrupted by her mother calling for her?
Same goes for the parents, we don't really need to know that Priya is weird, it can wait until she actually does something weird. Rajesh shuttling between India and the US for his job can be invoked as the reason for the move, thus making our learning it more natural.
Lee feels really infuriating, but I wonder if the whole discussion about accents was really necessary. It's funny, true, but I think you could have used something more tenseful, because Anoushka's reaction seems a bit extreme compared with the subject.
Well, on to chapter 2.
4/5/2011 c1 6MeAsIAm
After sending off that PM I visited your profile and realised the redundancy of my question.
Hah..Anyway, here goes:
First off, I like Anoushka's love for food as well as her attitude towards life. She does seem brash at times, but aren't we all at some or the other point in our lives?
The move to America came as a surprise and the sisters' retaliation seemed a bit poor. I know when we had to move to a new house (barely ten minutes away) I threw a fit and created a whole lot of mess.
The straightforward description of the parents made me laugh, but on another note, I would like to see the actual rapport between her and her parents because I don't think such authoritarians would be tolerated by spirited girls like Anoushka and her sister.Moreover, I think the idea of her having an ex-boyfriend is a bit troublesome. How would her parents allow it? Mine are extremely liberal but if I do get a boyfriend, the last people to know would be my parents(and I am seventeen!)
The party at Leela totally confused me. For a moment I thought that they had already moved, but then there was an Indian waiter so I guess it took place when they were still in India (weren't they?)
Loved it, and moving on to the next chapter!
6MeAsIAmAfter sending off that PM I visited your profile and realised the redundancy of my question.
Hah..Anyway, here goes:
First off, I like Anoushka's love for food as well as her attitude towards life. She does seem brash at times, but aren't we all at some or the other point in our lives?
The move to America came as a surprise and the sisters' retaliation seemed a bit poor. I know when we had to move to a new house (barely ten minutes away) I threw a fit and created a whole lot of mess.
The straightforward description of the parents made me laugh, but on another note, I would like to see the actual rapport between her and her parents because I don't think such authoritarians would be tolerated by spirited girls like Anoushka and her sister.Moreover, I think the idea of her having an ex-boyfriend is a bit troublesome. How would her parents allow it? Mine are extremely liberal but if I do get a boyfriend, the last people to know would be my parents(and I am seventeen!)
The party at Leela totally confused me. For a moment I thought that they had already moved, but then there was an Indian waiter so I guess it took place when they were still in India (weren't they?)
Loved it, and moving on to the next chapter!