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11/30/2010 c1 1Angel Investor
Very good start. Your text is technically almost flawless. The suspense in the beginning was very gripping and kept me reading. One small change that you could do is make Bryan's reaction to Rossi putting her hand on his mouth more credible. I mean, I would be very startled if I was escaping or hiding and all of a sudden someone surprises me from behind. And why would he start following a stranger just like that without an explanation?

That was the only major mistake in the entire chapter. The rest was great.

I like your personal characters. You demonstrated the personalities very well in the dialogue, and how the characters acted. Rossi's my favorite so far, but Ellie's tomboyish attitude is also an original approach as opposed to shy and helpless princesses that take the spotlight in many stories.

You have proved yourself an author with loads of potential, and the same can be said about this story. I'll be waiting for the upcoming chapters.

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