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for The Last Journey

12/13/2010 c1 9Narq
You did a good job of making this tense a scary. Just a few hints to make it better (in my world, not necessary yours)

I heard the patter patter of soil raining steadily on the coffin.

- just "Patter patter. (new para) Soil dripping on the coffin" - keep it tense, and keep the verbs going.


12/6/2010 c1 4lookingwest
I think you did a good job building tension for this opening, getting it from the perspective of the fighter was cool, and I liked how you ended it with an onomatopoeia, it was sudden and served its purpose very well! You also had appropriate use of dialogue and everything, I wouldn't have minded if it was "Oh shit" or "Oh shoo", either way, I think it works. Cool short!
12/6/2010 c1 13Shadowhound
Not a bad story. Definitely needs some revision, though. You make one prominent mistake over and over again. Repetition of words. For example, 'Knowing that once I'd left the graveyard, I would no longer be safe, I took joy in being able to race wildly through the graveyard.' You use 'graveyard' twice in close proximity to each other. It breaks the flow of the story. You do the same thing in other places, too. It shows that you paused for a second to think about how to write the next part, then started back writing again with a fresh idea. Just reread your story and take out the small breaks in flow.

You actually have a relatively tight story, though you could expand it. You're not under a forty minute limit anymore, feel free to embellish it. Give the protagonist a name for one thing. Give the Boss a name and description.

Also, don't have him crawl out of his grave. Despite what Kill Bill showed us, it's not really possible. The amount of weight on the coffin would cause it to collapse and crush whatever was inside. There's just too much weight. If you want to try something similar, maybe have him creep out of a mausoleum. Catacombs are another idea. Have them throw his 'dead' body into the catacombs because that's where all the dead are thrown. Saves a lot of space above ground.

In the second paragraph you have the protagonist, who is trapped in a coffin underground, admiring his coffin's wood. No, I don't have a problem with him doing that, but describe how he knows it is dark cherry wood. Obviously not sight, so how does it smell? Feel? Taste? He did compliment them on their taste in coffins.

Add in more sensory detail. That's a big thing. Sorry, kind of getting carried away. Add in more sensory detail to better immerse the reader in the setting. What does it smell like when he's crawling up through the ground, what does that first breath of fresh air feel like?

Despite the criticism, I do like this story. You have an interesting voice to your writing and I like the protagonist you present. Everything just needs to be developed more. This is a first draft. It'll be a lot better by the time you get to the third draft.


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