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for Holy Holy Strobe

8/4/2012 c1 3Kat Annie
Oh! The last line! I melted.

This poem is perfect. I've re-read this poem many times, and each time I catch a different scent, a different sensation, a different sound. I feel dizzy after reading it. It's almost like finding beauty in the disgusting. Like finding light shinning off droplets of sweat. The beat of the words block any way out; stuffy, musky, claustrophobic, but also sharp, spitting, dangerously cutting - opposite sensations that somehow find a way to merge together into one skilled body. Like a girl with one blue eye and one green eye. I was repulsed but also grossly turned on.

This is breathtaking. Truly a masterpiece and an inspiration.
6/11/2012 c1 26daniellegypt
An absolute pleasure to read. I adore your writing style, it's so narrative and full of rhythm. This line: "But I felt your heartbeat in the club and followed it, sniffing you out." was so powerful.
2/9/2011 c1 24Elennar

The first thing that drew me in to this piece, and made me fall in love with it was the line: "We slunk in, heads held high."

The dichotomy of 'slinking' and 'heads held high' really charmed me. So kudos for that!

The next thing that I really liked about the piece was the final scene where the two are having sex You did a great job of describing the feelings associated with sex, without explicitly stating the fact.

So, yeah, another good job!


1/21/2011 c1 6ranDUMM

I really like this poem! I like how it was a story, but it was more poetry than prose; you merged the two so it become poetryprose. It was really unique, and to tell the truth, I've never seen it before (or at least, not written properly like this). I also love your little onomatopoeias (had to figure out how to spell that; i originally wrote onamotapoes :/) like 'slap slap slapping skin' and 'tss tss tss'. It gave a real feeling to the whole piece, you know what I mean?

And I definitely love the repetition of the words 'holy holy', especially when you used it towards the end when they were having sex (I think that's what was happening... though shame on me if I'm wrong :S). I like how you referred to it as "back to the womb, baby. We birth kin, baby, and it skipped again." Seriously, I know I just said it, but I love the repetition of everything so much! Like 'with the track with the track with the track'. It gives the whole thing its own rhythm.

The 'wilderness' aspect is great too (which, I'm assuming, was the prompt?). It was great how you described her as 'wild' over and over again; it really drove home the point. But you also described the atmosphere in some places as 'wild', which was great, becasue that kind of sets the scene; like in a club, or a rave or something.

Fantastic poem/prose piece! :D I really liked it, and I can't believe how well it was written! :) Well done.

12/21/2010 c1 18Peevxwm Vaj
I liked the refrain (holy holy strobelights) and the repetition of various words in the narrative: they give the reading a rhythm that echoes (quite intentionally, as you mention yourself on lines 7-8) the bass line of some hopping dance music. It helps the reader get a jist of the atmosphere here.

The narrative itself was a little difficult to follow, for two reasons. First, it was highly introspective, with the narrator asking himself questions and describing his emotions more than a narration of who says what and when and all of that boring stuff - there's nothing wrong with it, it just meant that the reader had to work a little more to see what was happenning on the outside through the narrator's descriptions of what was happening on the inside.

The second reason is that you had an overdose of figurative language. We had references to a battlefield ("Heap of bodies"), ancient mythology ("sweet succubus"), some familial metaphor having to do with birth kind and sour breast milk, and then there is this religious thing going on with the holy strobes. Once again,there is nothing wrong with this, it just requires more trust in the reader, making poor me do more of the work just to get my two pence on the review game.

Overall, it was fun. It was both highly poetic and narrative, largely for many of the elements that I have already discussed. Ovbviously, with the way that you broke the lines in the work, you meant for it to be read that way anyways.

So, anywho, hope you win!
12/18/2010 c1 qczhao
The review I submitted seems to be a tad short on second glance, so I'll include some more specific thoughts here:

It's hard to criticise because so much of it is very good.

I thought some of the sentences could have had more meaning by themselves, rather than being there just to provide "feeling".


"Black walls painted neon flash with holy holy."

It doesn't actually make sense to me, but in the context of the piece contributes to the overall feeling of the clubbing scene and how the walls change colour.

"The floor pulsates with the heartbeat and a river of sweat life-blood life force life kin."

Love the imagery here.

I also like how you constantly describe the woman as "wild". It ties in well with the whole carnal lust theme you have going on. For me it seems to hearken away from a civilised way of things, and it's like a sort of caveman approach.

"The salt in the air's so thick it clogs my nostrils and scrapes my tongue.

But the only scent I want is you."

Great. I wish this was a lyric in a song somewhere.

Finally, I think one of the other reviewers mentioned it, but the way you bring the strobe light to life is also great. It not only provides visual imagery, but the repetition of the colours also seem to me anyway to provide a rhythm to the prose.
12/18/2010 c1 5qczhao
I really like this piece. It's a raw display of artistry and such a unique style. It's a breath of fresh air, really good.

I think you really nailed the feeling of stepping into the average club with your opening. The sticky floor and the mass of bodies, really excellent.

I love the use of repetition here, it is like the beat of the music, the bass thumping out, and it lends a kooky rhythm to the way the piece is read which really accentuates the feeling that I get from it.

Your word choice is excellent too, you aren't afraid to use the raw language, to get down to the essence of what the chase, that moment is all about. It feels completely real and I can relate to the viewpoint of the author.

In the middle part of the piece, you really nail the primal feeling of attraction, the type of sexy, grimy, sweat filled passion which is just completely animal.

I have to say I was a bit disappointed by the end, I was rooting for him to get the girl, but it seems that didn't happen.

Overall, this is a good piece. The only criticism is that it's layout is rather daunting. There are no natural breaks, which makes it a rather breathless read. I'm not sure whether breaking it up into verses (it seems to comprise three major parts) would help that or not, maybe something you can try.

Anyway: Thoroughly enjoyed.
12/14/2010 c1 18Loss of Words
Oh do I love the flavor of this poem, this succulent story, slinking through the reader's mind like a mink, sliding that fur right under your nose, so tantalizing and intoxicating, and pulling you deeper into the holy holy.


I swear, though, I can tell exactly when your soundtracks changed as you were writing the story; because the story actually moved through several different flavors. The first was intoxication, like being in a rave, with the music pounding so thickly in your ears that your mind is overwhelmed by the lust of the moment.

And then, I read this:

"I'm just a voice in the wilderness. No identity here. No individual. We're too lost in the hit of greatness to be separated.

I'm a voice caught in the web of the song. It pulls me away from known territory into the darkest part of our souls where only strobe lights can illuminate."

- 'twas a disconnect. The lust was lost as the mind flickered out, like a dim light bulb overwhelmed by the pulsing frequency of the wire which gives it light.

Then the story started building up again, with my favorite line of the story:

"We're tangled, baby. We cough fire water and sweat sex."

It built up again to that roar, a pounding so loud that it fades to a distant throb in the back of your mind, and your breath is a ghost on the edge of your lips, and your heartbeat is thrumming raggedly along to the tempo of your slurred dance moves.

And then the end hits, and as I read it I felt this disconnect - wasn't the whole theme of the story about finding the woman, his wild woman? I felt disappointment as I read the final three lines; this whole time I had been expecting that the final act would be to find that woman, and instead I find this ambiguous, "...and sunk into that holy holy." I'm left wondering if you mean that the man found the woman but not her soul, or that he lost her completely and just succumbed to the music and just started dancing on his own? These questions plague me. :P

Sideways nitpick: you used the word "slunk" twice. The rhythm of the story makes the WHOLE piece read like a single paragraph - so any use of a unique word twice should be intentional.

first use: "We slunk in, heads held high."

second use: "Pump pump pow! I was hit as I slunk past that corner cave of human consciousness, head hung."

I liked the feel of the story, and the emotional state it evoked in me as I read it. The most important thing to me as I read is to be able to FEEL whatever is going on, and that definitely occurred here. :)

I did not, however, like the physical setup of the story; there were no paragraphs or anything to break up the piece. It was visually very daunting at first, and it wasn't until partway through the reading that I got over that fact (and then it was replaced with, "huh, wonder when this thing is gonna end?).

Excellent piece, I really enjoyed it. :)
12/14/2010 c1 6Cole Culain
Second Review Squad review.

Another good poem, but a drastically different style. You used some really cool onomatopoeia in this, and it fit really well with the chaotic nature of the poem. You could feel the confusion and going-with-the-flowness of the subject.

I found the style a bit confusing, but it was still good. And I suppose the confusion is all part of the style. It seems like you put a lot of effort into this, and got a great product.
12/13/2010 c1 11berley
Searching for that wild woman way you have of walking.

- I loved the alliteration here and kind of wished I saw more of it in this piece. I actually love alliteration in general and wish I could incorporate it into my work more often. Haha.

The gloom swallows us. Clog our lungs we inhale-exhale heat. We taste same breath. Suck same stench.

- That line totally reminds me of being eighteen and that the clubs. It’s such a simple line, but the imagery was great and I really liked how you incorporated so many senses. I know exactly what you are talking about with ‘suck same stench’. Really awesome stuff.

So technically, not a lot happens in this piece, it was more about setting up a specific scene, but it worked really well. Your use of alliteration and onomatopoeia, as well as comparing things and people to the wild was really awesome and great to read. What an interesting take from the prompt as well! I would have never guessed that. I have to admit, this probably isn’t my favourite of your work that I’ve read, but it was still very well done and extremely creative. Best of luck in the WCC!
12/13/2010 c1 jacksvnw
Shouldn't this go into the poetry section rather than the fiction?

The rhythm of the writing is a little hard to find at first, but once I did find it, I loved it. It was fun and upbeat, at least the way I read it.

What I didn't like is having too much... repetition. I guess repetition is good for establishing rhythm, especially in songs, but this is a poem and after seeing too much of the same words, my attention drifted and I just started skimming through the rest of the poem. XD

Overall, it was good and I liked it.
12/12/2010 c1 13gigglebug
so, as I often do with poems, I started reading it out loud. right off I love the repeated words! it makes for an interesting rhythm, and I like that a lot. I noticed that every single line ends with a period though, and I feel like some of them can connect together. and I want them to! but the periods, man. restricting. XD

[[Searching for that wild woman way you have of walking.]] love the alliteration here!

got a little tongue tied later on, haha. lovely stuff, though :D

[[My heart skipped with the track with the track with the track.]] clever! :D

[[Yellow yellow blue green blue green blue, she's sick all over his shoulder but he don't even know.]] love this line, it flows so wonderfully!

I almost feel like it's a little bit lengthy. not that it's bad, it's just a little too much poem for me XD it does sound wonderful though, honest. greatness. holy~

12/11/2010 c1 1name redacted
Interesting spin on a casual encounter in a club. This seems to pull off a stream of consiousness sort of style very effectively, though I can't tell if the writing becomes confused in the middle or not, when it shifts from a first and second person narration to the third person with the introduction of a "he" and "she." Still, beautifully written. The repetition is rhythmic, and this flows wonderfully. Great use of onomatapoeia (probably spelled wrong).
12/11/2010 c1 30sophiesix
holy holy! X) loved it.

Love that opening line, the image of da boys making their stage entrance, though its only in retrospect i knew he was a boy;, would love for that to come through more strongly straight away, he seems like the type of boy that wouldn't leave something like his gender in doubt (he is a guy right? frik, if he's not i'm sorry X)).

Also loved the ongoing theme of the boy searching for Her. dunno if she's real or not, and it doesn't matter, either way its beautiful. and as always great descriptions and use of sound and rhythm, love the sweat crawling and teh sticky sticky. boxcar didn't work as well for me because its hard to say three times fast :) But "Silk slid across my soul and—shiver." was gorgeous and 'pump pump pow' as great too. good luck for teh wcc!
12/11/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
I loved all the alliteration and the way you formatted this. It made me hear it in my head as a song, or maybe even some bizarre rap. Great imagery, and slick pacing. Loved the modern, sharp word choices. Very original entry here.

And I can totally see the Misfits in this. I kepy picturing that club they're always in, haha.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
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