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for Twisting Parallels

4/28/2011 c11 21Sercus Kaynine
"Pyro teeth flashed white against his skin and the night as he grinned."

-I think you mean "in" instead of "and" here.

'"Such faith," Zora whistled.'

-Since "whistled" is not referring to how she said the statement, these should be two separate sentences.

'"You'll protected me and keep me well on the journey, throw me in some godforsaken clan, and get your award? I'm just a piece of baggage, aren't I?"'

-The first two words don't make much sense.

''"Now that-"'

-Should be a dash, not a hyphen. Simply type two dashes and continue typing in Word to make one.

"She didn't want to do go."

-Random "do" in there.

I love how you dotted Zora and Pyro's conversation with descriptions of what was going on around them. It created a cool atmosphere and provided for a small amount of action.

Oh, tricky. Pyro not only can't like Zora because he's duty bound to get her to Argo, but because his religion makes it evil. I anticipate many a battle of philosophy inside his head.

I actually enjoyed the fact that Pyro is not all that willing to say yes, yet. Regardless of what he might feel, too many romances end up with "I love you" and "I love you too" with no doubt about it. There are serious decisions to make, and I'm glad Pyro (and to some extent Zora) is taking them seriously.
4/26/2011 c10 99Dreamers-Requiem
Aw yay! Nice declaration, Zora, although now she's putting Pyro in a very awkward posistion...

I liked the build up throughout this chapter, with her wondering what he'd say, and the start with Pyro confused as to who was helping him. I do think the repepition of [She did fine before I woke up.] and [I was fine before you woke up."] is too close together; maybe take out the first one? I think "I'm thinking too lightly of her" on it's own could work just as well. Anyway, good stuff as always.
4/23/2011 c11 30sophiesix
"Princess, you're tired. Go to sleep." haha, i'd have loved to see her reaction to that X)

"he said finally, his words thoughtful and slow" not sure you need thoughtful and slow there: we know he's thinking?

"dry hot, like the wind on a summer's afternoon." loverly

"Pyro teeth flashed white against his skin" Pyro's.

"memesmorised" mesmorised?

"to ensure that I'm not delivered as unspoilt good" i'm deivered as unspoilt goods, preferably, or that i'm not delivered as spoilt goods?

Oh, such a sad ending. good explanations here, never too heavy or too much and always nicely balanced with teh characterisation and action.
4/23/2011 c10 sophiesix
Aha i love that last line :D

"her heart beating so fast it was the only thing she heard. Then she realised he did it only for support." feels like a line or two of other pov here, maybe find a way to sneak it into teh next section?

Pyro is hawt here. ok, so he lost his flame. nothing like a hurt hot guy to make him even hotter XD

Yay for their conversation, and great to see teh development in teir relationship whilst still staying true to their individual characters :)
4/14/2011 c10 Frap
Yeah! The title, is a tease you know...

The flashback was really good. I love how he thought of 'Ma' and the whole 'life flashing across your eyes thing', but I especially liked how he wasn't too sure of who was doing what for him, yet we know the princess is doing her best. I didn't forget he's naked either...

Ack! You put God in there. I thought it was Cor?

I like how he is still off balance and trying to remember. You typed this up fast, since your wording is not like the other part of your work. It hasn't hit any imagery just yet, but still you can whip out a chapter that is intriguing.

I like how he's sort of mellow, now that he realizes how she took care of him and the curling fingers about his hand just made me smile... (: (:

You got into the 'he' thing. So I know you were just typing this quickly or something. The tidbits of info on how he's trying to light his fire is neat.

That was too funny with the princess basically saying...Shaaddapp! Pyro better not count her out. The fiesty little thing has some fire of her own...LOVE IT!

Aw that gentleman side is ever present and always so well written...He sounds like he needs some nookie for being such a good guy...LOL!

Just kidding. She's like 16 right? Okay moving on, and the dancing flame thing is so very cool.



If he is as good looking as my imagination has made him out to be, and she got to nurse that body of hot perfection to health, there is no other course for her to take than love. I mean really? I was like..."YEAH! TELL HIM STRAIGHT ON GIRL!"

Then it hit me like I know it smacked him...she's going to get marry and it ain't him.

Man, I wanted you to update but these cliffies are killing me. The emotion that has been stirring in them both has hit its climax for her and we have yet to see what he'll do, but so far you've kept his feelings on a plateau of keeping it business. What will he do now? Hahah! Man that's torture and you say you got 24 hours before we even see you again? That's just straight up wrong, man really. You'd better not turn to Blade now either, unless he bursts out in song or is rescured by fire breating elves or something.

What a revelation at this point, and I felt so sad for her too. It tugged my heart, and oh yes, the concern for her when she looks ill, is so adorable, it almost got me to squeal.

Yes, Picasso of the pen. Please keep going. The typos make me laugh,but don't let your imagery waver. Man the sexiness, I heard in his voice when he asks her 'How am I to do my duty well if you don't say what's wrong?' made me shudder at how she must've felt in the presence of such a warrior.

Okay, I need to stop rambling, and hope that you give me more. I won't harp on you to update tomorrow, since I don't want to rush you. Lay it all out and give me that steady flow that has caused such a whirlwind in my gut, I'm just too excited. I wish you could see me trying to put thought together so i don't type jibberish.

Well, get on to the next chapter, and I'll be keeping my eyes on my inbox for the update.

Frap **Squeals - 'I'm in love with you Pyro.', Now what cha gonna do flame thrower! **Squeals**
4/14/2011 c10 21Sercus Kaynine
Oh snap, final reveal at the end there. Cruel, cruel cliffhangers!

I like how you took the time to show Pyro and Zora warming up to each other. Their relationship has really progress since the beginning of this story, and now they're even exchanging compliments instead of snarky remarks. I'm a little curious as to how Zora's been getting on by herself. Evidently she's a bit more capable than she lets on.

I'm incredibly curious as to what will happen next. Pyro has to make a choice: duty or love. Which will it be? Definitely a turning point for the entire story.
4/14/2011 c9 Frap
I know from the title I won't find out what is going on with Pyro, so understand that I'll PM you relentlessly for an update...Hankering on harassment...but no, I wouldn't want you to think I was nuts. (Hides candle names - Pyro)

So on with the new character, and the relation between her and big boy. The reluctance to help her drink was so cute. I could see his frustration and awkwardness when she actually asked for help, which is a great indicator as to how thirsty she was. I didn't mention but the info that the Verity have to tell the truth is also intriguing and I so love how you give us something to bring into thought each time we go to anther chapter. Cheerios for that! I will hold my cookies until you update. :P

Oh my, they're sharing glances? The fact they are each other's food continues the feeling of rawness to this, I shall call graphic novel of sorts. I implore you madame to continue, ahem, but enough begging.

EPIC LINE AND HILLARIOUS - Though logical, I find some flaws with your proposal - Your're too thin to eat, too weak to kill...I'd rather a partner be as equally engaged as I." I'm going to think about that all day and laugh just as I thought about this story yesterday while going about my errands.

What a plan! Go Blades and your brains and brawn self! But man the Verity is too funny. She's an added spice for him and his thoughts and movements about her are just as noble as Pyro's to the princess.

WHAATT the heffer got out and kept gettin up? Yeah, that's bumpkin for she got free and left him?

You know what you must do now, and I will do what I can to request more reviews for you if that will throw you back into the drawing room to whip out the rest of this story. Hell don't read my stuff, just finish yours. I'm a patient person when it comes to critique for my piddle, so hop to the rest of this tale.

You have to make sure you don't let Pyro die, I mean PLELASE, but there again if you do what would happen to the princess?

You have to find some way of getting Mirare a kick in the ass for something, I don't know, just give em some pain right now, he's on my list.

And Blade, I have to see if the big dude will get out on his own, have some help from Mei, or will he have someone else come to the holding tank.

Too many loose ends and too little time to spend reading my drabble. On with you know to crank out more awesome sauce for this astonishing, action packed, tale of unforgettable characters, and a plot that grows thicker which each chapter...

Yeah, I like it.

4/14/2011 c8 Frap
Oh my GOd! That turn of point of views, or action or whatever was just what I needed to see to be thrown back to the lady and her protector. I rooted and I was so engulfed in his flame I screeched when they got into the water. I woke the kid up again, but hell, I didn't want him to get in the water.

Man the princess is showing she's got balls after all and the whole while I was so enthused to read this my toes, are curled. This is so good! **Takes breath**

EPIC LINE - '...Time wrapping around her knees...' That was literary genius! Your imagery is unmatched at this site so far.

HOLD ON ZORA! HOLD ON! Yeah, intense level is up there for me, and I haven't had morning coffee...

4/14/2011 c7 Frap
I didn't mention this before, but this world that you have made is most wondrous. I like how you didn't give us a whole long history of all the beings, yet you allow us to feel them and make them out to be our own.

I live how you also give us enough hints as to what they look like, and anything that has animals is a favorite of mine. But I was soo disheartened to see that Blade was captured and caught my self cussing at Mirare as he tortured him. The rope was also a pleasant surprise as a character, so you got some manga quality gifts which is just another hook to my liking this...Okay, I got to move on to see what's next.

Hm...So there's no honor amongst some outcast hunh? I like how he follows his vows to Cor. Poor woman, but I feel she may be an ally? Possibly? Yes? Non? Okay on with it...

Keep her! Keep her! Aw Damn it! Next chapter I go, you already know this is a phenomenal work of fantasy, so no need beating the bush...might have shuriken throwing roaches...LOL!

Okay enough goofyness...Moving on!

4/14/2011 c6 Frap
My kid woke up and I was running around this house so I could finish and then the laptop went out and I screamed...

Ahem, enough from my troubled life...

I feel so bad for Pyro and the lose of his men and possible lose of Blade. I will not believe he's gone until I see it written so I will maintain hope. Please don't make me tear up, I'll hate/love you for it.

The life you gave that river made me skittish so Great job, as usual with your imagery. The phrase where it caught the rocks on the side was so neat, yeah, I couldn't find a word to describe it.

You got schkills, mad schkills so trying to tell someone that can write their butt off, is a bit of a challenge. Now you do have some typos here and their, but nothing that a re-read can't fix, so I don't even bother with mentioning where they are and all, but back to the story.

LOL! The princess and the river. Guess Pyro feels the river would be a better advisary and the attitude displayed in his thoughts about fetching water is down right priceless.

Aw, he offered his sweat drenched, musk filled, shirt...and she accepted. That's nothing but love, or she's retarded. Course I know its the first half. The banter is well done, and you don't use unnecessary words for them to interact. Still you keep them in character and I LOVE IT!

EEAAGGAAD! The action is starting again! Guess I might not swerve too much next time I see a squirrel. I knew they were evil...

On to the next chappie!
4/14/2011 c5 Frap
I had typed all the way to the end and now for some reason its all gone.

So to recap quickly because I MUST GET TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!

In the beginning you had some cool references to how time passed, The whole moon changing thins is what i was really talking about/

The tension shared between Zora and Pyro is so well done, I was rooting for him to just snatch her or something, but I have to tell you that I love how the subtle words and body language speaks volumes to their feelings and it also keeps Pyro in character.

I almost squealed when they got jumped, because everything was happening so fast and Oh yeah, I was sad that Marika died. But what a way to right it without going into detail, and OH THE EMOTIONAL BATTLE!

When Blade showed up I was like finally and when he said Leave i was like NO! The rollercoaster of emmotions at this laptop got me typing really fast, but this is so God!

Enough with this chapter because you have like always, captured the essence of a battle, the resolve of an honorable leader, and snared the heart of a fan. On to the next!

4/13/2011 c4 Frap
I have to take care of business, but I had to make sure I got back to this story if I didn't get back online at all. Yeah, it's that serious to me.

The opening continues to show the slow growth of feelings Pyro has for Zora, without telling us, and I am so appreciative that someone knows how to do it right. Hell I know I can't so kudos to you.

The next sentence when Pyro twisted is reading really awkward. You might take a gander at that. I know what you're saying but it's not clear in the reading if that makes sense.

That's right Blade take em down! Heh, I love the hot heads. And Pyro is soo cool. An unintentional play on words but one that's a bonus none the less.

Now your imagery was so badass that I was in a freaking zone. The sound of a song I heard on a movie was playing which told the audience the main character was turning the top off of the can of Whoop ass slowly before he got busy. And then you put in a sentence that just kilt it...'His hand was on fire.' Narq...your build up told us that. LOL!

Go ahead bandit bi...!Okay,well that was so full of awesome the things I saw are of no consequence since I didn't want to stop to type this so on with it...

I love a badass female, good or bad, and the way you wrote that makes me actually want to see it in motion. My head is throbbing from the excitement build for me right now. This vixen is going down, just from the fact his flames are being released from his core! Go Ahead Author! Okay, I'll calm down and finish...I love to get into my stories...sorry...

A duty fulfilled,violence,remorse, a plead for help too late, a mother's last cry and a death quick and honorable of such a foe! Somebody give this chick an award. Dang it, I won't have anything else to say as i go along man. I told you I'm fighting the urge to just type - Down right EPIC nuff said.- and stop typing...

Man, your characters are so well written and the emotion that they display from your crafty hands is enough to give me chills. The power that fire yields, yet the humble spirit of a warrior that controls it well is so often not done in such a way that brings his being to life. Pyro is hands down one of my favorite characters. I like any character with fire, just a thing for me.

Narq I freaking applaud you at how well you've done with this and the fact you said you were not going to continue would be a dis service to many who enjoy fantasy, and action. You have a nack for this sort of story telling in my opinion, and I really hope you find time to work on this story. I'm late for my appointment but I don't care. I will carry with me the memory of this battle and the glimpse I got of Pyro's power and his spirit.

I don't want to blow through this story so I plan to read it when I have 100 % no interruptions, and you know, this has spawned a couple of ideas for a vampire story I had been toying with in the ole noggin. You can look at the brainstorming portion at the forum to see what I'm talking about, but look, I won't ramble.

This is a delicious tale and you cook it up like nobody's business.

4/11/2011 c3 Frap
I find my self addicted to this story. The little humorous jolts from Blade, and Pyro alike, and the depth of realism each character holds. I am so enjoying this. I love the part you added Pyro looks at Zora and her teary face. 'A heartbeat', which is the beginning of the spark of likeness for her. I love it! Such a subtle way to let your readers know that these two will share more than insults and interrupted slaps.

This is a must read for anyone that comes here and you are a very skilled writer.

I hope you think about writing professionally or at least posting your work so other's can read abroad. I know of a couple of sites, that you may want to try.

Loving this still!

4/11/2011 c2 Frap
Oh my what a fiesty little demon child she is!

This was so to the point and on point, I have nothing but great praise for it. I love this story.

The characters are very well rounded and the conflict is well planned and layered. Spoiled brat and feared heroes, is always a great mix. I love the part of her getting upset that her pony would not make the journey and the ease at which she commands her uncles is truly funny.

I also like the interaction between Blade and Pyro, and the fact you keep it friendly and not gayish. They seem to be worthy warriors for such a noble journey.

Your vocabulary is also very well planned to bring the story to life and with a minimum amount of words you are able to capture your thought for a chapter and deliver flawlessly, the flesh of what is turning out to be an epic tale.

Great work. I'm hooked as you can tell. Frap
4/11/2011 c1 Frap
Thank you Narq for coming by my forum, U Write it, We Read it, We Review it. This is my thank you and review as I promised.

I review as I read so here we go...

Not often does a piece cause me to be speechless, or typeless, but hell you got me. This was unbelievable. I am a fan of mythology, and this fits my fancy. I love your descriptions and your choice of words to fit the dialogue to the time.

Not too many folks do this well. I also love the detail you give that presents a picture so well crafted by word, one need not hope to see the characters because the imagination can grasp what you have given.

This was excellent. I also thought about Clash of the Titans, and the story of the Argonauts. The summary did not do this justice in my opinion, yet looking at your review count you have a huge number of followers for this story which tells me I'm not the only one that is now a favorite of your work.

A splendid read and a surprising treat. I can't wait to go to the next chapter. Thank you for coming into the forum with this request and I must post this up as our story of the week, if you don't mind. Your name will be posted at the intro of the forum for recognition. Thanks again for an amazing read.

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