for Twisting Parallels4/11/2011 c7 
5drazer434
Blade unable to use his powers? I did not expect that. I really liked your descriptions in this chapter, especially in the scene in the cave. It really portrayed the surroundings and especially Mei, and the terrible states she's in, really well without going over the top and describing everything.
[May Cor guide your souls home, Blade offered a quick prayer to his dead comrades.] - Would be better if it was: "Blade offered a quick prayer to his dead comrades. May Cor guide your souls home."
["If Blade hadn't known any better, he looked like any Substrata."] - This sentence doesn't work very well. It would be better if it was rephrased to: "If Blade hadn't known any better, he would've thought that he looked like any Substrata.
[His brotheres. Though they were of a smaller build, a much delicate structure, he'd learnt to adjust his strength to their limits.] - Should be "his brothers." Also it should be a "and a much more delicate structure", no comma after build is needed.
5drazer434Blade unable to use his powers? I did not expect that. I really liked your descriptions in this chapter, especially in the scene in the cave. It really portrayed the surroundings and especially Mei, and the terrible states she's in, really well without going over the top and describing everything.
[May Cor guide your souls home, Blade offered a quick prayer to his dead comrades.] - Would be better if it was: "Blade offered a quick prayer to his dead comrades. May Cor guide your souls home."
["If Blade hadn't known any better, he looked like any Substrata."] - This sentence doesn't work very well. It would be better if it was rephrased to: "If Blade hadn't known any better, he would've thought that he looked like any Substrata.
[His brotheres. Though they were of a smaller build, a much delicate structure, he'd learnt to adjust his strength to their limits.] - Should be "his brothers." Also it should be a "and a much more delicate structure", no comma after build is needed.
4/11/2011 c6 drazer434
Wow, the first chapter where Zora didn't annoy me horridly. I never thought it would come, but fortunately it has. It's great to finally see her more human side so I don't feel the need to bash her head in. Will it last? I certainly hope so! Pyro is starting to remind me so much of the character Ann'jee in my story it is uncanny. I blame the whole fire conjuring thing being way too cool and too damn fun to write!
["We should go. They might find us." Even they left his mouth, Pyro felt sorry for Zora.]- Even as the words left his mouth would be better.
[By nightfall, they were by the river, a gushing, monstrous beast of a thing. The water white as it sprayed against rocks, roaring as it swept past the bank and grabbing dirt and earth with it.]- The sentence doesn't really work split up like that. Would be better if it was one full sentences, e.g. "By nightfall they were by the river, a gushing, monstrous beast of a thing, the water white where it sprayed against the rocks, roaring as it swept past the bank, grabbing dirt and earth to take along with it." Or it could be split up like: "By nightfall they were by the river. It was a gushing, monstrous beast of a thing. It's water was white where it sprayed against the rocks and roared as it swept past the bank..." etc. I prefer the first one, but only because I tend to use longer sentences.
[Blade had the best chances of surviving, if there was any.]- I think this could be rephrased. It would be better if it was: "If there was any chance of surviving, then Blade would find that way" or something like that.
[A squirrel and a mouse stood in front of Zora. Pyro knew what would happen. Even as they twisted and bulged and transformed, fire snaked its way towards it]- the last word, "it" should be changed to "them".
Wow, the first chapter where Zora didn't annoy me horridly. I never thought it would come, but fortunately it has. It's great to finally see her more human side so I don't feel the need to bash her head in. Will it last? I certainly hope so! Pyro is starting to remind me so much of the character Ann'jee in my story it is uncanny. I blame the whole fire conjuring thing being way too cool and too damn fun to write!
["We should go. They might find us." Even they left his mouth, Pyro felt sorry for Zora.]- Even as the words left his mouth would be better.
[By nightfall, they were by the river, a gushing, monstrous beast of a thing. The water white as it sprayed against rocks, roaring as it swept past the bank and grabbing dirt and earth with it.]- The sentence doesn't really work split up like that. Would be better if it was one full sentences, e.g. "By nightfall they were by the river, a gushing, monstrous beast of a thing, the water white where it sprayed against the rocks, roaring as it swept past the bank, grabbing dirt and earth to take along with it." Or it could be split up like: "By nightfall they were by the river. It was a gushing, monstrous beast of a thing. It's water was white where it sprayed against the rocks and roared as it swept past the bank..." etc. I prefer the first one, but only because I tend to use longer sentences.
[Blade had the best chances of surviving, if there was any.]- I think this could be rephrased. It would be better if it was: "If there was any chance of surviving, then Blade would find that way" or something like that.
[A squirrel and a mouse stood in front of Zora. Pyro knew what would happen. Even as they twisted and bulged and transformed, fire snaked its way towards it]- the last word, "it" should be changed to "them".
4/11/2011 c5 drazer434
Action was extremely well written in this chapter. The short paragraphs and sentences really help show the broken down chaos of the battle, and the fact that you don't slow it down with out of place description means that the action is very fast paced and exciting and I really enjoyed reading it.
However I'm still not sure about having more bandits attacking. Maybe it's my OCD-esque attention to detail, but I kept thinking to myself, why are they attacking? What possible reason could they have for attacking them again after the spectacular failure of the other attack, although this time it seems like they're more successful. And it is also slightly confusing. The word Submixt is mentioned a lot, but I'm not entirely sure what they are. I know there's a danger of info-dumping, but it works both ways and sometimes not knowing what's going on can be worse than a huge info dump.
[Their campsite was fast to make and easy to break, with a tent-like shelter for the women, a fire amongst stones, a place for the provisions and packs. ] - it should be "and a place for the provisions and pack."
[They went on, maintaining good speed as the moon went from new to half to full and began to wane again. Each day the day seemed to be steeper, the forests darker, the undergrowths thicker and the hillsides more precarious] - There is a danger here as you've just described about two weeks passing in one sentence. A lot of things can happen in two weeks, so just be careful when you let so much time pass like that. Perhaps a bit more description about the conflict between Pyro or Zora "as the weeks passed Zora became even more antagonising" or something along those lines.
[Together, with their heightened sensitivity they could read the slightest breeze, the cooling of the air and the portent behind a shifting shadow.] - needs to be a comma after sensitivity.
[The more the words tumbled, the more he felt his disciple slipping from him.] - Disciple should be "discipline."
Action was extremely well written in this chapter. The short paragraphs and sentences really help show the broken down chaos of the battle, and the fact that you don't slow it down with out of place description means that the action is very fast paced and exciting and I really enjoyed reading it.
However I'm still not sure about having more bandits attacking. Maybe it's my OCD-esque attention to detail, but I kept thinking to myself, why are they attacking? What possible reason could they have for attacking them again after the spectacular failure of the other attack, although this time it seems like they're more successful. And it is also slightly confusing. The word Submixt is mentioned a lot, but I'm not entirely sure what they are. I know there's a danger of info-dumping, but it works both ways and sometimes not knowing what's going on can be worse than a huge info dump.
[Their campsite was fast to make and easy to break, with a tent-like shelter for the women, a fire amongst stones, a place for the provisions and packs. ] - it should be "and a place for the provisions and pack."
[They went on, maintaining good speed as the moon went from new to half to full and began to wane again. Each day the day seemed to be steeper, the forests darker, the undergrowths thicker and the hillsides more precarious] - There is a danger here as you've just described about two weeks passing in one sentence. A lot of things can happen in two weeks, so just be careful when you let so much time pass like that. Perhaps a bit more description about the conflict between Pyro or Zora "as the weeks passed Zora became even more antagonising" or something along those lines.
[Together, with their heightened sensitivity they could read the slightest breeze, the cooling of the air and the portent behind a shifting shadow.] - needs to be a comma after sensitivity.
[The more the words tumbled, the more he felt his disciple slipping from him.] - Disciple should be "discipline."
4/9/2011 c4 drazer434
Blade is very cool, but so is Pyro.
I really enjoyed this chapter because it was the first fight scene in the story, and it was written well. I think you struck a good balance between describing the battle and not slowing down, although I would prefer more descriptions. However, that is just my personal opinion, so it is not neccesarily what everyone would want. But don't let that stop you :P
I kinda got the feeling that the bandits were there to attack just because it added some conflict, and was a good way to show off your characters. I think most authors are guilty of doing that, aspiring or published, and definitely including yours truly, so it isn't too much to worry about. Just if it happens too often, like in every chapter, then it tends to become more noticeable and a bit of an annoyance.
A great thing about this chapter is that I didn't find any grammatical mistakes, which is always good to find!
[She was everywhere. Virtually everywhere.] - You don't really need to say virtually everywhere after everywhere.
Blade is very cool, but so is Pyro.
I really enjoyed this chapter because it was the first fight scene in the story, and it was written well. I think you struck a good balance between describing the battle and not slowing down, although I would prefer more descriptions. However, that is just my personal opinion, so it is not neccesarily what everyone would want. But don't let that stop you :P
I kinda got the feeling that the bandits were there to attack just because it added some conflict, and was a good way to show off your characters. I think most authors are guilty of doing that, aspiring or published, and definitely including yours truly, so it isn't too much to worry about. Just if it happens too often, like in every chapter, then it tends to become more noticeable and a bit of an annoyance.
A great thing about this chapter is that I didn't find any grammatical mistakes, which is always good to find!
[She was everywhere. Virtually everywhere.] - You don't really need to say virtually everywhere after everywhere.
4/7/2011 c3 drazer434
I really like the writing style here. It is simple yet nice and easy to read and manages to get the emotion and the character building across without going into long internal monologues, which is great. However I think, as I mentioned in the last chapter, it might be prudent to focus a bit more on the surroundings of the characters. You talk about them walking for hours but make no mention of the scenery they walk through, which is a great way to show off your descriptive writing and the world you've created. Plus I always find these bits fun to write anyway :).
It's good to see that Zora has some feeling, but she still gets on my nerves, with that high and mighty attitude. I don't blame her for being angry and being called a mess though. Amateur mistake from Pyro!
[The restless hand on a hilt spoke of hope that this girl could hinder the makings of war for another few years.] - I think it should be "The restless hands on hilts".
[A wonder it kept on growing at all, after all the times it was singled.] - I assume you mean "singed" instead of singled
[Afraid?" she screeched, bringing to attention of the nearest soldiers – the Dogs.] - I think the phrasing of that is slightly wrong. "arousing the attention of the nearest soldiers" would be better, or "catching the attention of the nearest soldiers"
Nice chapter though, I'm liking the characters of Pyro and Blade already. Blade seems quite badass
I really like the writing style here. It is simple yet nice and easy to read and manages to get the emotion and the character building across without going into long internal monologues, which is great. However I think, as I mentioned in the last chapter, it might be prudent to focus a bit more on the surroundings of the characters. You talk about them walking for hours but make no mention of the scenery they walk through, which is a great way to show off your descriptive writing and the world you've created. Plus I always find these bits fun to write anyway :).
It's good to see that Zora has some feeling, but she still gets on my nerves, with that high and mighty attitude. I don't blame her for being angry and being called a mess though. Amateur mistake from Pyro!
[The restless hand on a hilt spoke of hope that this girl could hinder the makings of war for another few years.] - I think it should be "The restless hands on hilts".
[A wonder it kept on growing at all, after all the times it was singled.] - I assume you mean "singed" instead of singled
[Afraid?" she screeched, bringing to attention of the nearest soldiers – the Dogs.] - I think the phrasing of that is slightly wrong. "arousing the attention of the nearest soldiers" would be better, or "catching the attention of the nearest soldiers"
Nice chapter though, I'm liking the characters of Pyro and Blade already. Blade seems quite badass
4/6/2011 c2 drazer434
Another good chapter, although it is slightly short. The character's of Blade and Pyro really intrigue me, and I'm really looking forward to learning more about them and the powers I assume they have, unless I've completely misinterpreted! Unfortunately Zora on the other hand annoyed the hell out of me from the moment I saw her, with the spoiltness and the pointless arguing, which I think might be intended.
I think this is another good build up chapter, but you could probably expand on some of the parts more, especially when describing the country on encampment or city or whatever they're in, because I haven't really got a feel for that yet.
[He knocked once, and waited. With mild interest, he scanned the map pinned out on a bench at his left. It drew out the land divided into four parts. Though he'd been in Tria for such a long time now, the Clans still came to him in the order he'd been drilled into by his childhood teachers: Cor, Verity, Tria and then Argo.] - I think this was a really great way to show us a bit about the geography of the world you've created without seeming like an info dump, which is quite hard to do and I think you pulled it off with perfection.
However, there are a few phrasing mistakes and typos here and there, but hardly any and not enough to disrupt the flow of the story.
[Parents worked hard at the fields, harvesting the golden barely.] - Parents worked hard in the fields would probably be better, and I think you meant harvesting the golden barley.
[She had a slim figure, whose pale skin resembled that of her uncle's] - This doesn't really make sense. You're referring to her "slim figure" as a person. It should be "She had a slim figure, and pale skin that resembled that of her uncle's."
But apart from that this was another good chapter, and I enjoyed reading it
Another good chapter, although it is slightly short. The character's of Blade and Pyro really intrigue me, and I'm really looking forward to learning more about them and the powers I assume they have, unless I've completely misinterpreted! Unfortunately Zora on the other hand annoyed the hell out of me from the moment I saw her, with the spoiltness and the pointless arguing, which I think might be intended.
I think this is another good build up chapter, but you could probably expand on some of the parts more, especially when describing the country on encampment or city or whatever they're in, because I haven't really got a feel for that yet.
[He knocked once, and waited. With mild interest, he scanned the map pinned out on a bench at his left. It drew out the land divided into four parts. Though he'd been in Tria for such a long time now, the Clans still came to him in the order he'd been drilled into by his childhood teachers: Cor, Verity, Tria and then Argo.] - I think this was a really great way to show us a bit about the geography of the world you've created without seeming like an info dump, which is quite hard to do and I think you pulled it off with perfection.
However, there are a few phrasing mistakes and typos here and there, but hardly any and not enough to disrupt the flow of the story.
[Parents worked hard at the fields, harvesting the golden barely.] - Parents worked hard in the fields would probably be better, and I think you meant harvesting the golden barley.
[She had a slim figure, whose pale skin resembled that of her uncle's] - This doesn't really make sense. You're referring to her "slim figure" as a person. It should be "She had a slim figure, and pale skin that resembled that of her uncle's."
But apart from that this was another good chapter, and I enjoyed reading it
4/4/2011 c1 drazer434
An intriguing first chapter. I like the descriptions - they're not overdone to become purple prose, but they're also not too sparse, so it makes the story very easy and nice to read.
I like the assumed knowledge that you use here. You mention lots of names that the reader don't know, but don't explain it, because why would the two characters explain them to each other. This is realistic, but also intriguing as it makes the reader ask questions about "who/what are these things?" I always love that, and it makes me want to read on.
"glanced steely at Pyro" - sent a steely glance? I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say here.
"off the constant bickering wind" - I'm not totally sure if bickering is the right adjective to use here. Maybe the constant bickering of the wind if you want to use bickering.
"Wordlessly, Pyro nodded" - Wordlessly is a superfluous word here. It is really a big thing, and I find myself often doing it in my stories, but you don't really need to put words like that in since you would know if Pyro wasn't been wordless because there would be speech.
An intriguing first chapter. I like the descriptions - they're not overdone to become purple prose, but they're also not too sparse, so it makes the story very easy and nice to read.
I like the assumed knowledge that you use here. You mention lots of names that the reader don't know, but don't explain it, because why would the two characters explain them to each other. This is realistic, but also intriguing as it makes the reader ask questions about "who/what are these things?" I always love that, and it makes me want to read on.
"glanced steely at Pyro" - sent a steely glance? I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say here.
"off the constant bickering wind" - I'm not totally sure if bickering is the right adjective to use here. Maybe the constant bickering of the wind if you want to use bickering.
"Wordlessly, Pyro nodded" - Wordlessly is a superfluous word here. It is really a big thing, and I find myself often doing it in my stories, but you don't really need to put words like that in since you would know if Pyro wasn't been wordless because there would be speech.
4/4/2011 c9 3Rosemarysgraden001
Ok so I found your story as you know and read all nine chapters. Usually don't read supernatural stories to be honest. But this is pretty interesting, I really like ur style, its intriguing. I may not enjoy the story as much as I could becuz I am unfamiliar with these abilities and powers. But thats all I really have to say.
~Rose~
3Rosemarysgraden001Ok so I found your story as you know and read all nine chapters. Usually don't read supernatural stories to be honest. But this is pretty interesting, I really like ur style, its intriguing. I may not enjoy the story as much as I could becuz I am unfamiliar with these abilities and powers. But thats all I really have to say.
~Rose~
4/2/2011 c9 99Dreamers-Requiem
Nice chapter; I love the idea of two sworn enemies being stuck together and helping each other out, and you handled it well. Mei's comments were great, and Blade's reactions were even better. I enjoyed it, especially the escape plan. But...damn you and your cliffhangers! I really hope she comes back for him, it's not fair otherwise.
Anyway, yeah, great stuff! Can't wait for the next chapter.
99Dreamers-RequiemNice chapter; I love the idea of two sworn enemies being stuck together and helping each other out, and you handled it well. Mei's comments were great, and Blade's reactions were even better. I enjoyed it, especially the escape plan. But...damn you and your cliffhangers! I really hope she comes back for him, it's not fair otherwise.
Anyway, yeah, great stuff! Can't wait for the next chapter.
3/20/2011 c8 Dreamers-Requiem
What? No, no, no! You can't have killed Pyro...can you? I really, really hope not! I want to see a touching reunion between him and Blade and romance with him and Zora and...
Anyway, nice interaction between him and Zora; I like how much she's starting to care for him, and the dialogue at the end was perfect, especially the mission bit. It had me cheering for Zora. I think you kept the tension quite effectively high throughout, so great job with that. Overall, a really good chapter that I very much enjoyed reading. Now, on to the next one...
What? No, no, no! You can't have killed Pyro...can you? I really, really hope not! I want to see a touching reunion between him and Blade and romance with him and Zora and...
Anyway, nice interaction between him and Zora; I like how much she's starting to care for him, and the dialogue at the end was perfect, especially the mission bit. It had me cheering for Zora. I think you kept the tension quite effectively high throughout, so great job with that. Overall, a really good chapter that I very much enjoyed reading. Now, on to the next one...
3/15/2011 c9 30sophiesix
Love the dialogue here. The characters come through so well.
“such philosophil words” philosophical?
“Blade hoped the man was fine.” Hoped he was ok? Just sounds a bit stilted.
“On a second's thought, that might be not such a bad thing.” Lol!
Aw, and great ending!
30sophiesixLove the dialogue here. The characters come through so well.
“such philosophil words” philosophical?
“Blade hoped the man was fine.” Hoped he was ok? Just sounds a bit stilted.
“On a second's thought, that might be not such a bad thing.” Lol!
Aw, and great ending!
3/14/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
I think you've done a really great job with the regular cliched princess, so far! The overall atmosphere seems kind of dark and eerie; very cool. Also the language and dialect is very medieval type, so that's an awesome change to read about! Pyro is a cool name, btw (:
x mandy
~RH, Gossip
5thefaultinourpatronusI think you've done a really great job with the regular cliched princess, so far! The overall atmosphere seems kind of dark and eerie; very cool. Also the language and dialect is very medieval type, so that's an awesome change to read about! Pyro is a cool name, btw (:
x mandy
~RH, Gossip
3/8/2011 c9 21Sercus Kaynine
This was a fun chapter. The most interesting things always happen when you put two enemies into a room with eachother and try to keep them there. Loved the dialog and such, especially the part about the eating eachother. I'm glad we decided that was not a good idea.
And I love creative escape plots! They're always awesome. Damn, left it at a cliffhanger. Will she come back? Dun dun dun...
Ahem. Anyways, entertaining story you've got here. Didn't come across any spelling/grammar mistakes this time. Keep it up!
21Sercus KaynineThis was a fun chapter. The most interesting things always happen when you put two enemies into a room with eachother and try to keep them there. Loved the dialog and such, especially the part about the eating eachother. I'm glad we decided that was not a good idea.
And I love creative escape plots! They're always awesome. Damn, left it at a cliffhanger. Will she come back? Dun dun dun...
Ahem. Anyways, entertaining story you've got here. Didn't come across any spelling/grammar mistakes this time. Keep it up!
3/8/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Pyros stole forward...
- Drop the "S"? not sure
Pyros strode...
- Same above
Woot, I liked the ending there! The editing was good and it's fun to get back into one of your longer pieces again! I like the dialogue and the whole mysteriousness added to this beginning, it's pretty fun. The imagery in the last line was excellent too. Also, wasting no time for plot, huh! I kind of like jumping right in! You've set up everything to move forward and though you introduced a lot of characters within a first chapter I still found myself able to keep them straight, so that was cool! Also, of course, love this theme of fire you're carrying throughout with the candlelight and then the image at the end and the "pyro" name. Wondering how this will develop as far as character relations, especially with the Chief's niece!
4lookingwestPyros stole forward...
- Drop the "S"? not sure
Pyros strode...
- Same above
Woot, I liked the ending there! The editing was good and it's fun to get back into one of your longer pieces again! I like the dialogue and the whole mysteriousness added to this beginning, it's pretty fun. The imagery in the last line was excellent too. Also, wasting no time for plot, huh! I kind of like jumping right in! You've set up everything to move forward and though you introduced a lot of characters within a first chapter I still found myself able to keep them straight, so that was cool! Also, of course, love this theme of fire you're carrying throughout with the candlelight and then the image at the end and the "pyro" name. Wondering how this will develop as far as character relations, especially with the Chief's niece!
3/6/2011 c7 99Dreamers-Requiem
Yay for Blade! it was good to see more of him here, and I feel like this chapter gives us a better insight into his character. Great job with that. I really liked the ending - it builds up the tension and makes me really wonder what his choice is. I noticed a few awkward sentences but nothing too major and it looks like other reviewers have pointed most things out. Anyway, yeah, I really enjoyed that chpater. I think Blade is my favourite character. Great stuff.
99Dreamers-RequiemYay for Blade! it was good to see more of him here, and I feel like this chapter gives us a better insight into his character. Great job with that. I really liked the ending - it builds up the tension and makes me really wonder what his choice is. I noticed a few awkward sentences but nothing too major and it looks like other reviewers have pointed most things out. Anyway, yeah, I really enjoyed that chpater. I think Blade is my favourite character. Great stuff.