for Twisting Parallels2/25/2011 c6 
99Dreamers-Requiem
As always, an interesting chapter. I meant to say in my last review that I hoped it WASN'T the last we see of Blade :P Anyway, yeah, I liked the interaction between Zora and Pyro here, and she's showing more signs of being a likeable character, not that I didn't like her before. She just seems a bit more intelligent, a bit nicer here, like the spoiled princess has been stripped away, and you show it effectively, showing how she is vulnerable and such. It's a slow change and it works. The ending was good, leaving a good hook and making the reader eager to see what happens next. Great job.
99Dreamers-RequiemAs always, an interesting chapter. I meant to say in my last review that I hoped it WASN'T the last we see of Blade :P Anyway, yeah, I liked the interaction between Zora and Pyro here, and she's showing more signs of being a likeable character, not that I didn't like her before. She just seems a bit more intelligent, a bit nicer here, like the spoiled princess has been stripped away, and you show it effectively, showing how she is vulnerable and such. It's a slow change and it works. The ending was good, leaving a good hook and making the reader eager to see what happens next. Great job.
2/23/2011 c8 1esthaelum
It was nice to see Zora worrying about Pyro :D I wouldnt have expected that, since shes so uptight and... serious. I like that even though Zora was scared of the dead bandits, she still didnt give up. Shes a strong princess :D Love her character! YAY! PYRO AND ZORA ROMANCE!
RH~
1esthaelumIt was nice to see Zora worrying about Pyro :D I wouldnt have expected that, since shes so uptight and... serious. I like that even though Zora was scared of the dead bandits, she still didnt give up. Shes a strong princess :D Love her character! YAY! PYRO AND ZORA ROMANCE!
RH~
2/13/2011 c4 Tawny Owl
Woah! They have guns? For some reason I thought they were an almost anglo saxon society, what with the significance of a man being bladed and all? Or am I just really dumb?
Plus, courage and Zora don't gel for me. I dunno. More bloody mindeness or arogance, but I guess they all get the job done in the end.
bandits persude them any further - pursue?
Easy enough to kill. Oh? why? Do they have a tendancy to drop their weapons and fall off their horses? There's a good opportunity for some cultural stuff there. Plus, by saying that you've just poured cold water on the approaching skirmish. Blade and Pyro sound like real tough nuts. I want to see what they've got, not have them coast through a walk in the park.
I feel like there's a lot more significance to the battle than just a way to show Blade and Pyro's powers. The significance of the verity and the death of her son are going to come back and bite them somehow.
I think you could just say the face was a woman's though.
I also really like that you chos eto show what Pyro and Blade could do in this context. it was much more fun than if you'd just told us. Plus I like teh idea of Pyro's fire being part of him losing control. No wonder he feels so uptight all the time.
Woah! They have guns? For some reason I thought they were an almost anglo saxon society, what with the significance of a man being bladed and all? Or am I just really dumb?
Plus, courage and Zora don't gel for me. I dunno. More bloody mindeness or arogance, but I guess they all get the job done in the end.
bandits persude them any further - pursue?
Easy enough to kill. Oh? why? Do they have a tendancy to drop their weapons and fall off their horses? There's a good opportunity for some cultural stuff there. Plus, by saying that you've just poured cold water on the approaching skirmish. Blade and Pyro sound like real tough nuts. I want to see what they've got, not have them coast through a walk in the park.
I feel like there's a lot more significance to the battle than just a way to show Blade and Pyro's powers. The significance of the verity and the death of her son are going to come back and bite them somehow.
I think you could just say the face was a woman's though.
I also really like that you chos eto show what Pyro and Blade could do in this context. it was much more fun than if you'd just told us. Plus I like teh idea of Pyro's fire being part of him losing control. No wonder he feels so uptight all the time.
2/12/2011 c5 99Dreamers-Requiem
I really like the fight scene here - you have a good balence between action, dialogue and description that works really well. The characters' personalities really come through and I feel like we're learning more about them all the time. I'm really hoping this is the last we see of Blade. A few things you could polish, such as [more was coming] should be "More were coming" but personally I don't see too much of an issue with the things that need editing - it's entertaining and captivating and I feel myself being completly drawn in by this world. Great stuff.
99Dreamers-RequiemI really like the fight scene here - you have a good balence between action, dialogue and description that works really well. The characters' personalities really come through and I feel like we're learning more about them all the time. I'm really hoping this is the last we see of Blade. A few things you could polish, such as [more was coming] should be "More were coming" but personally I don't see too much of an issue with the things that need editing - it's entertaining and captivating and I feel myself being completly drawn in by this world. Great stuff.
2/8/2011 c6 8Kobra Kid
Woah, wait! Those animals aren't animals! I bet they're shape shifters! That's a great addition to the story! I really love all of the fantasy elements in this - it's purer awesomeness, haha. Anyways, wonderful work as always! I'm really glad that Pyro and Zora finally got some time to themselves, so they could talk. It was a very amusing chapter because of the dialogue between the two...rivals. I love Pyro, by the way. He's my favorite character. The best part of the whole chapter was when he kept on cutting off Zora with an answer. That was great! Ooh, Blade better survive! Without him, Pyro won't have a best friend! D: By the way, Zora is getting more tolerable. I could stand her in this chapter, I just hope she doesn't get too irritating again. Great work! Keep it up!
Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
P.S. I just updated RFTA. Please review? Thanks!
8Kobra KidWoah, wait! Those animals aren't animals! I bet they're shape shifters! That's a great addition to the story! I really love all of the fantasy elements in this - it's purer awesomeness, haha. Anyways, wonderful work as always! I'm really glad that Pyro and Zora finally got some time to themselves, so they could talk. It was a very amusing chapter because of the dialogue between the two...rivals. I love Pyro, by the way. He's my favorite character. The best part of the whole chapter was when he kept on cutting off Zora with an answer. That was great! Ooh, Blade better survive! Without him, Pyro won't have a best friend! D: By the way, Zora is getting more tolerable. I could stand her in this chapter, I just hope she doesn't get too irritating again. Great work! Keep it up!
Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
P.S. I just updated RFTA. Please review? Thanks!
2/5/2011 c7 1esthaelum
It was nice to know more about Blade here. I feel like sometimes he fades because Pyro's the main character. I really liked how this chapter was focused more on him! Blade is a really interesting character, and I like how he has that dangerous side in his mind..
RH~
1esthaelumIt was nice to know more about Blade here. I feel like sometimes he fades because Pyro's the main character. I really liked how this chapter was focused more on him! Blade is a really interesting character, and I like how he has that dangerous side in his mind..
RH~
2/3/2011 c8 21Sercus Kaynine
"A dagger sliced towards Zora: her muscles seized up with fear. Pyro dived in front of her, and she gasped as the weapon melted in his body."
-While I get what you're trying to say, the meaning of this sentence is a little misleading. Like, I have this image in my head of him getting stabbed and then the blade melting inside of him. If that's not what you meant, maybe "the weapon melted as it touched his body?"
"He kept turning and turning and turning, sometimes facing his back towards the shape-shifters."
-"Facing his back" reads awkwardly. Maybe "showing his back"?
"This time, the women advanced, and did not retreat as fire singled their hair."
-Should be "singed", not "singled".
"His voice cackled like fire as he swept across the muddied grass, his flames eating their way."
-Forgot the "r" in "crackled" and I think you left off the end of this sentence.
"Her captor must have felt the heat more intensely that she, for his grap on her lightened that little bit."
-Should be "grip", not "grap".
"She gasped as her cheek pressed against something hot – not but unbearably so."
-I think "but" and "not" should be swapped.
"Thehe two men toppled forwards, a dead weight sinking onto Pyro."
-Misspelled "the".
Ah, nice action filled chapter after the slower one before. Definitely a lot of fun to read.
I like that you showed Zora proving herself here. I figured she'd show the reader she had a bite to her bark eventually, but taking the time to show her resourcefulness and determination really brings her to life.
It's cool how you've been taking the time recently to flesh some other characters besides Pyro out. Like, Blade and Zora are a lot more developed thanks to these last two chapters.
21Sercus Kaynine"A dagger sliced towards Zora: her muscles seized up with fear. Pyro dived in front of her, and she gasped as the weapon melted in his body."
-While I get what you're trying to say, the meaning of this sentence is a little misleading. Like, I have this image in my head of him getting stabbed and then the blade melting inside of him. If that's not what you meant, maybe "the weapon melted as it touched his body?"
"He kept turning and turning and turning, sometimes facing his back towards the shape-shifters."
-"Facing his back" reads awkwardly. Maybe "showing his back"?
"This time, the women advanced, and did not retreat as fire singled their hair."
-Should be "singed", not "singled".
"His voice cackled like fire as he swept across the muddied grass, his flames eating their way."
-Forgot the "r" in "crackled" and I think you left off the end of this sentence.
"Her captor must have felt the heat more intensely that she, for his grap on her lightened that little bit."
-Should be "grip", not "grap".
"She gasped as her cheek pressed against something hot – not but unbearably so."
-I think "but" and "not" should be swapped.
"Thehe two men toppled forwards, a dead weight sinking onto Pyro."
-Misspelled "the".
Ah, nice action filled chapter after the slower one before. Definitely a lot of fun to read.
I like that you showed Zora proving herself here. I figured she'd show the reader she had a bite to her bark eventually, but taking the time to show her resourcefulness and determination really brings her to life.
It's cool how you've been taking the time recently to flesh some other characters besides Pyro out. Like, Blade and Zora are a lot more developed thanks to these last two chapters.
2/3/2011 c7 Sercus Kaynine
"Though they were of a smaller build, a much delicate structure, he'd learnt to adjust his strength to their limits."
-You forgot "more" between "much" and "delicate". Also, I'm a fan of "learned" instead of "learnt", but to each her own.
The first scene was hella intense. More than anything, I loved the subtleties. Especially with the "rope", how you said Serpa was close to Blade's ear, and then had the "rope" talk... The name, location, and voice point to a snake Submixt, no? And you left it hanging for a sec, if he would keep his arms or not. My only complaint would be that I want to know more about what Mirare looks like. XD
I feel really smart for figuring this out, btw. Cool points for making the reader think.
"s his eyes adapted to the darkness and as the distance between them lessened, he made out a slumping figure against the wall."
-Uh, I think you accidentally deleted the first part of this sentence.
"Blade had to fight the urge to fasten his hands around the woman's throat as he crouched down to obverse her further."
-Should be "observe", not "obverse".
"Her right elbow was at a bad angle, and her left arm was twisted behind her back, like someone had threw her and she'd landed on it."
-Should be "had thrown", not "threw".
"What Blade could not understand, was why he wasn't killed, along with the Substrata."
-Don't think you need any commas here.
omg, allies between different clans? I sense conflict, and conflict is the fun part! I know the basic idea has been used before, so why is it that I'm excited?
Great descriptions in the cell scene, btw. I felt I could really get a feel of Mei's haphazard state.
Okay, this may sound cruel, but the fact that Blade just lost his power just made him seem so much cooler to me. Like, I think people who suffer disabilities and have to adjust are so much more fun to read about. How will he learn to fight again, normally? Will he have to submit to others because they are now more powerful than he is? Like, endless possibilities, man.
"Though they were of a smaller build, a much delicate structure, he'd learnt to adjust his strength to their limits."
-You forgot "more" between "much" and "delicate". Also, I'm a fan of "learned" instead of "learnt", but to each her own.
The first scene was hella intense. More than anything, I loved the subtleties. Especially with the "rope", how you said Serpa was close to Blade's ear, and then had the "rope" talk... The name, location, and voice point to a snake Submixt, no? And you left it hanging for a sec, if he would keep his arms or not. My only complaint would be that I want to know more about what Mirare looks like. XD
I feel really smart for figuring this out, btw. Cool points for making the reader think.
"s his eyes adapted to the darkness and as the distance between them lessened, he made out a slumping figure against the wall."
-Uh, I think you accidentally deleted the first part of this sentence.
"Blade had to fight the urge to fasten his hands around the woman's throat as he crouched down to obverse her further."
-Should be "observe", not "obverse".
"Her right elbow was at a bad angle, and her left arm was twisted behind her back, like someone had threw her and she'd landed on it."
-Should be "had thrown", not "threw".
"What Blade could not understand, was why he wasn't killed, along with the Substrata."
-Don't think you need any commas here.
omg, allies between different clans? I sense conflict, and conflict is the fun part! I know the basic idea has been used before, so why is it that I'm excited?
Great descriptions in the cell scene, btw. I felt I could really get a feel of Mei's haphazard state.
Okay, this may sound cruel, but the fact that Blade just lost his power just made him seem so much cooler to me. Like, I think people who suffer disabilities and have to adjust are so much more fun to read about. How will he learn to fight again, normally? Will he have to submit to others because they are now more powerful than he is? Like, endless possibilities, man.
2/1/2011 c8 30sophiesix
“the weapon melted in his body.” Sew cewl
“A hand grabbed her jaw.” I love the anatomicalness of that. Feels really rough and solid.
“The man started dragged her away.” Started dragging or dragged?
“Ashes and bones at his feet.” Se-e-e-e-ew c-e-e-e-ewl
“His voice cackled like fire as he swept across the muddied grass, his flames eating their way.” Mwa-a-d
“"Look behind you," rasped Pyro, "I am fire. Fire is everywhere." Ah! I get that now! It still sounds a little like David Copperfield (the magician, not the dickens guy), like he’s saying it with waggly eyebrows and a dramatic expression, but it works!
“Strong hands came up to break her fall.” Owe god, I love that moment. Hi pyro! X)
“More than fifteen men had fallen protecting her, and she had fled. The man shook Pyro's grasp off” I think you need a para change there and potentially another sentence at the end of the forst to emphasise that one man stood attacked, and her feet refused to move, or something.
“Thehe two men toppled forwards,” the
“The current had already stole him out” Now, aimee’s voice has no place here. We do not speak like this in third person, narq, we speak proper English ;) Stolen (and hi aimee!)
“The current slapped his body into boulders” love the sound and the visual of that
“ripping over her skirts and ripping them.” Lotsa ripping there :)
“sqeezing off what water she could” squeezing
GAH! That ending is SO CRUEL!
Ok! so that scene is action packed AND fast paced AND makes sense. and it has some beautiful descripton and emotion too. Love it! poor Pyro!
30sophiesix“the weapon melted in his body.” Sew cewl
“A hand grabbed her jaw.” I love the anatomicalness of that. Feels really rough and solid.
“The man started dragged her away.” Started dragging or dragged?
“Ashes and bones at his feet.” Se-e-e-e-ew c-e-e-e-ewl
“His voice cackled like fire as he swept across the muddied grass, his flames eating their way.” Mwa-a-d
“"Look behind you," rasped Pyro, "I am fire. Fire is everywhere." Ah! I get that now! It still sounds a little like David Copperfield (the magician, not the dickens guy), like he’s saying it with waggly eyebrows and a dramatic expression, but it works!
“Strong hands came up to break her fall.” Owe god, I love that moment. Hi pyro! X)
“More than fifteen men had fallen protecting her, and she had fled. The man shook Pyro's grasp off” I think you need a para change there and potentially another sentence at the end of the forst to emphasise that one man stood attacked, and her feet refused to move, or something.
“Thehe two men toppled forwards,” the
“The current had already stole him out” Now, aimee’s voice has no place here. We do not speak like this in third person, narq, we speak proper English ;) Stolen (and hi aimee!)
“The current slapped his body into boulders” love the sound and the visual of that
“ripping over her skirts and ripping them.” Lotsa ripping there :)
“sqeezing off what water she could” squeezing
GAH! That ending is SO CRUEL!
Ok! so that scene is action packed AND fast paced AND makes sense. and it has some beautiful descripton and emotion too. Love it! poor Pyro!
2/1/2011 c7 sophiesix
Blade is so cool. He's not as cool as Will - yet - but he's definately cool as a cucumber :)
“His brotheres” is he latino ?
“Blade heard the voice, his heart sunk with recognition, and his eyes remained closed for that bit longer so he wouldn't have to see the face of his tormentor.” Consider: “Blade heard the voice; his heart sunk with recognition. His eyes remained closed for that bit longer so he wouldn't have to see the face of his tormentor.”?
“What was it?” sounds odd: if refering to death then maybe ‘Was this it?’ If referring to tortutre, then maybe ‘What was this: was this it?’ or if referring to serpa, then maybe ‘what was she?’
“he cared little of it” for it rather than of it?
“his mauled leg. s his eyes” extra s?
“like someone had threw her” thrown her
“"Asking myself the same question."” Aw, love that
“A pause. "Any." Also so good. :D
Great tension here, its a great shift of pace from teh previous fast paced chapters and feels really vivid. NIce!
Blade is so cool. He's not as cool as Will - yet - but he's definately cool as a cucumber :)
“His brotheres” is he latino ?
“Blade heard the voice, his heart sunk with recognition, and his eyes remained closed for that bit longer so he wouldn't have to see the face of his tormentor.” Consider: “Blade heard the voice; his heart sunk with recognition. His eyes remained closed for that bit longer so he wouldn't have to see the face of his tormentor.”?
“What was it?” sounds odd: if refering to death then maybe ‘Was this it?’ If referring to tortutre, then maybe ‘What was this: was this it?’ or if referring to serpa, then maybe ‘what was she?’
“he cared little of it” for it rather than of it?
“his mauled leg. s his eyes” extra s?
“like someone had threw her” thrown her
“"Asking myself the same question."” Aw, love that
“A pause. "Any." Also so good. :D
Great tension here, its a great shift of pace from teh previous fast paced chapters and feels really vivid. NIce!
2/1/2011 c3 Tawny Owl
I'm curious to know if Zora has any idea of the weight of responsibility that she has on her. Given her behaviour in the last chapter it feels not. She did behave like a ten year old though.
Oh, it's Marika. Boo!
glanced skipped - glance.
I loved Marika's sour caterpillar eyeborws. Lovely image.
This chapter went by quite quick, and I think you could take your time with it more. Are they in a forest? or out on plains somewhere?
Ok, if Pyro won't say it 'Zora! toughen up or I'll be rooting for you to be slung in a sack and delivered to your husband over the back of a horse!'
Looking forward to seeing how you bring her down to reality with the rest of the plebs. :)
I'm curious to know if Zora has any idea of the weight of responsibility that she has on her. Given her behaviour in the last chapter it feels not. She did behave like a ten year old though.
Oh, it's Marika. Boo!
glanced skipped - glance.
I loved Marika's sour caterpillar eyeborws. Lovely image.
This chapter went by quite quick, and I think you could take your time with it more. Are they in a forest? or out on plains somewhere?
Ok, if Pyro won't say it 'Zora! toughen up or I'll be rooting for you to be slung in a sack and delivered to your husband over the back of a horse!'
Looking forward to seeing how you bring her down to reality with the rest of the plebs. :)
2/1/2011 c2 Tawny Owl
the way - as you used away earlier on, I think you could change this.
swallowed, feeling his saliva..hey, I have a really great beta, and I think she'd suggest that you split this up so that it was. He felt his saliva, or maybe swallowed, saliva evaporated...to make it stronger ;)
Actually, given that it's been so long I was intrigued by how Blade and Pyro seemed familiar with each other, but at the same time Blade was being kind of scary.
Loved the soldier's reaction to them turning on him. We know Blade is huge, but is it worth giving some physical details about Pyro too? I'm guessing he's no string bean.
Blue paint? they're celts?
On the way, children played outside modest thatch houses, supervised by their older siblings. Parents worked hard at the fields, harvesting the golden barely. - Given that your chapter is fairly short, I think you could fill this out more, maybe show how Pyro feels about his home through what he sees? I think it would give us more on the type of man he is.
Nice way to slip in a geography lesson. Like the image of him drumming his fingers on the boarderlands.
When you introduce Princess you use a long long sentence. I think you can split it up a bit so that it doesn't feel like such a jumble. And Pyro knows who she is? So I'm guessing he knows something about her already. Can he tell that the clenched fists mean trouble?
He embraces her? to stop her thumping him? DOes she struggle?
this girl had a temper.- that's kind of obvious. Is there something else you could put here? Like how Pyro would like to calm that temper? locking her in the stables? pushing her down a well? Or is he too well brought up for that?
Oh I like teh sound of Emna! Plus Blade needs someone to amuse himself with while Pyro and Zora are off fighting.
the way - as you used away earlier on, I think you could change this.
swallowed, feeling his saliva..hey, I have a really great beta, and I think she'd suggest that you split this up so that it was. He felt his saliva, or maybe swallowed, saliva evaporated...to make it stronger ;)
Actually, given that it's been so long I was intrigued by how Blade and Pyro seemed familiar with each other, but at the same time Blade was being kind of scary.
Loved the soldier's reaction to them turning on him. We know Blade is huge, but is it worth giving some physical details about Pyro too? I'm guessing he's no string bean.
Blue paint? they're celts?
On the way, children played outside modest thatch houses, supervised by their older siblings. Parents worked hard at the fields, harvesting the golden barely. - Given that your chapter is fairly short, I think you could fill this out more, maybe show how Pyro feels about his home through what he sees? I think it would give us more on the type of man he is.
Nice way to slip in a geography lesson. Like the image of him drumming his fingers on the boarderlands.
When you introduce Princess you use a long long sentence. I think you can split it up a bit so that it doesn't feel like such a jumble. And Pyro knows who she is? So I'm guessing he knows something about her already. Can he tell that the clenched fists mean trouble?
He embraces her? to stop her thumping him? DOes she struggle?
this girl had a temper.- that's kind of obvious. Is there something else you could put here? Like how Pyro would like to calm that temper? locking her in the stables? pushing her down a well? Or is he too well brought up for that?
Oh I like teh sound of Emna! Plus Blade needs someone to amuse himself with while Pyro and Zora are off fighting.
1/29/2011 c6 1esthaelum
I'm really loving Zora so far! She is such a cool heoine! Despite her situation, she still acts proud and like a princess. I think she's so effing cool! I love the interaction between Pyro and Zora as well! It was nice to see her talking more and interacting with him on this chapter. I really enjoyed it :D
RH~
1esthaelumI'm really loving Zora so far! She is such a cool heoine! Despite her situation, she still acts proud and like a princess. I think she's so effing cool! I love the interaction between Pyro and Zora as well! It was nice to see her talking more and interacting with him on this chapter. I really enjoyed it :D
RH~
1/28/2011 c5 8Kobra Kid
I don't like Zora. AT ALL. She's a selfish, arrogant, rude, little jerk that I really can't stand. Pyro is trying to PROTECT her, and she can't respect him? God, if I was Pyro, it would be SO hard not to flip out and smack her or something, haha. Great chapter, as always! The surprise attack was great, and I really could imagine it! Your fantasy worlds all seem so real, which is excellent! Keep up the fabulous work!
Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
P.S. I updated RFTA! Please review?
8Kobra KidI don't like Zora. AT ALL. She's a selfish, arrogant, rude, little jerk that I really can't stand. Pyro is trying to PROTECT her, and she can't respect him? God, if I was Pyro, it would be SO hard not to flip out and smack her or something, haha. Great chapter, as always! The surprise attack was great, and I really could imagine it! Your fantasy worlds all seem so real, which is excellent! Keep up the fabulous work!
Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
P.S. I updated RFTA! Please review?
1/27/2011 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
OK, so I'm a little bit confused - 'Cor', is that what Pyro is but not the others?
Anyway, other than that, a gripping chapter; I really liked the fight scene, and I think you convey Pyro's emotions well here, showing how he feels and what's he thinking throughout. This chapter shows, really well, his and Blade's abilities, and it was done in a good way, it didn't feel like it was just a showcase. I enjoyed it, and will be reading more soon.
99Dreamers-RequiemOK, so I'm a little bit confused - 'Cor', is that what Pyro is but not the others?
Anyway, other than that, a gripping chapter; I really liked the fight scene, and I think you convey Pyro's emotions well here, showing how he feels and what's he thinking throughout. This chapter shows, really well, his and Blade's abilities, and it was done in a good way, it didn't feel like it was just a showcase. I enjoyed it, and will be reading more soon.