for Twisting Parallels12/26/2010 c4 
30sophiesix
yeah baby yeah! Ac-shone! :D Love the fighting here. I'm still not quite sure why a verity and a submixt think there are any match for our guys, but maybe they were drunk, or there's some law about fighting all teh way or something? Me, I would've just run as soon as I saw Blade do his thing, let alone Pyro XD love teh loittle flare of uncontrol at the end there too, and how pyro is a bit remorseful: its nice to know he's balanced :) MOre please!
30sophiesixyeah baby yeah! Ac-shone! :D Love the fighting here. I'm still not quite sure why a verity and a submixt think there are any match for our guys, but maybe they were drunk, or there's some law about fighting all teh way or something? Me, I would've just run as soon as I saw Blade do his thing, let alone Pyro XD love teh loittle flare of uncontrol at the end there too, and how pyro is a bit remorseful: its nice to know he's balanced :) MOre please!
12/24/2010 c3 21Sercus Kaynine
Coming to you from the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link on profile)
"A wonder it kept on growing at all, after all the times it was singled."
-I'm wondering, did you mean "singed"?
"Despite her bravado, her glanced skipped his face and focused on the centre of his torso."
-No "d" at the end of "glanced".
"He stepped past her, ignoring Marika's brows scrunching together like a catipillar, and her pursed lips as if she'd tasted something sour."
-Loved this description, haha.
I like how you're getting into Pyro and Zora's relationship right away. Their friction really keeps my interest. I mean, they obviously aren't ready for the romance part of this story quite yet, but I like how you keep focusing on their interactions and such. It reminds me of the underlying issue here, and it makes me understand them more. Not to mention, it can be entertaining, too.
I love your writing style. It's so easy to read, and I know I've mentioned this before but I like you how throw in details about the world as you go along. Like these "Dogs" and "Eagles".
Haha, I think it's hilarious that Pyro and Zora are both such stubborn characters. Adds a humorous element to the piece that I really enjoy. :)
21Sercus KaynineComing to you from the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link on profile)
"A wonder it kept on growing at all, after all the times it was singled."
-I'm wondering, did you mean "singed"?
"Despite her bravado, her glanced skipped his face and focused on the centre of his torso."
-No "d" at the end of "glanced".
"He stepped past her, ignoring Marika's brows scrunching together like a catipillar, and her pursed lips as if she'd tasted something sour."
-Loved this description, haha.
I like how you're getting into Pyro and Zora's relationship right away. Their friction really keeps my interest. I mean, they obviously aren't ready for the romance part of this story quite yet, but I like how you keep focusing on their interactions and such. It reminds me of the underlying issue here, and it makes me understand them more. Not to mention, it can be entertaining, too.
I love your writing style. It's so easy to read, and I know I've mentioned this before but I like you how throw in details about the world as you go along. Like these "Dogs" and "Eagles".
Haha, I think it's hilarious that Pyro and Zora are both such stubborn characters. Adds a humorous element to the piece that I really enjoy. :)
12/21/2010 c3 30sophiesix
I like the little details you're buiding up: the eagles, the dogs. The bladed man is a great sort of pivot point, like a diplomat but more butch, haha. I like how he levers them together, when otherwise we probably wouldn't get such a nice heated exchagne coz they'd both be too proud...
Now bring on the wolves/bandits/ husbands ;) ! Alright so I'm too addicted to melodrama... i'll go write my own ;)
30sophiesixI like the little details you're buiding up: the eagles, the dogs. The bladed man is a great sort of pivot point, like a diplomat but more butch, haha. I like how he levers them together, when otherwise we probably wouldn't get such a nice heated exchagne coz they'd both be too proud...
Now bring on the wolves/bandits/ husbands ;) ! Alright so I'm too addicted to melodrama... i'll go write my own ;)
12/21/2010 c3 4Frayling0
This was a good transition chapter, and you began to flesh out Zora and Pyro's relationship more - the standard woman hates the man but ends up loving him I expect ;) The dialogue and actions between the two were good and I'm hoping for more information and detail on the world soon. All in all the plot is developing slowly but surely, update soon :) ~ Luke, The Roadhouse
4Frayling0This was a good transition chapter, and you began to flesh out Zora and Pyro's relationship more - the standard woman hates the man but ends up loving him I expect ;) The dialogue and actions between the two were good and I'm hoping for more information and detail on the world soon. All in all the plot is developing slowly but surely, update soon :) ~ Luke, The Roadhouse
12/21/2010 c1 1esthaelum
Another story including a princess! I love these kind of stories!
I really like the simple description and details here. You never go into TOO much description, and its a really nice balance between the dialogue. I'm loving the world you created so far! I'd love to know more about it as the story progresses! Nothing much to say here, apart from GOOD START!
RH~
1esthaelumAnother story including a princess! I love these kind of stories!
I really like the simple description and details here. You never go into TOO much description, and its a really nice balance between the dialogue. I'm loving the world you created so far! I'd love to know more about it as the story progresses! Nothing much to say here, apart from GOOD START!
RH~
12/20/2010 c2 G.M.Smith
i love this, its very cute and quirky, has a good spark of humor, could make it a little clearer as to where the plot is going, and the detail could be just a teensy bit more elaborate, but besides that, its just fine.
i love this, its very cute and quirky, has a good spark of humor, could make it a little clearer as to where the plot is going, and the detail could be just a teensy bit more elaborate, but besides that, its just fine.
12/18/2010 c2 30sophiesix
ah, blade, he's such an ass. leave pyro alone!
"With mild interest, he scanned the map pinned out on a bench " is he inside or outside now? i know you talked about teh stones rather than the earth, but that could be a path, and teh latern could likewise be inside or out. i'm assuming inside, unless teh map is plasticised or something? if so, i think i need a stronger transition :)
"the chin tilted so high it could be knifed easily." 'it' being her ythroat? or her chin, actually?
"and tried to imagine how hard it would be to truss her up." heh heh heh
"these traits were going to be broken." uh oh. ok, i feel for her more now!
good chapter; i want to see this journey get underway! lets meet bandits! lets fight wolves! lets meet... the husband D:
30sophiesixah, blade, he's such an ass. leave pyro alone!
"With mild interest, he scanned the map pinned out on a bench " is he inside or outside now? i know you talked about teh stones rather than the earth, but that could be a path, and teh latern could likewise be inside or out. i'm assuming inside, unless teh map is plasticised or something? if so, i think i need a stronger transition :)
"the chin tilted so high it could be knifed easily." 'it' being her ythroat? or her chin, actually?
"and tried to imagine how hard it would be to truss her up." heh heh heh
"these traits were going to be broken." uh oh. ok, i feel for her more now!
good chapter; i want to see this journey get underway! lets meet bandits! lets fight wolves! lets meet... the husband D:
12/16/2010 c1 sophiesix
oh, i love teh atmosphere of this: so dark and close and fire-lit :)
"glanced steely" sent a steely glance?
"An inch to the ceiling" an inch from the ceiling? or almost brushing/piercing the ceiling?
ah, love the candle.
"pulling the strings of the shadows," beautiful.
ceremony rather than ceromony?
"alliegence " allegiance ?
Go Pyro!
oh, i love teh atmosphere of this: so dark and close and fire-lit :)
"glanced steely" sent a steely glance?
"An inch to the ceiling" an inch from the ceiling? or almost brushing/piercing the ceiling?
ah, love the candle.
"pulling the strings of the shadows," beautiful.
ceremony rather than ceromony?
"alliegence " allegiance ?
Go Pyro!
12/15/2010 c2 21Sercus Kaynine
"Fire was not made to be constrained."
Haha, I get it. His name's Pyro so it's like fire and it can't be constrained and... ahem. Anyway.
Also found the foot soldier amusing. Those poor guys always get the heat of it, don't they?
"She had a slim figure, whose pale skin resembled that of her uncle's."
I'm not sure if this is grammatically correct or not, but it reads a little awkwardly. May be say: She had a slim figure, with pale skin resembling that of her uncle's.
"He did not like the way she held herself: the chin tilted so high it could be knifed easily."
I love the way you combine creative descriptions with world history. Here, not only do I have a unique image, I also get a feel for Zora'a character, and Pyro's, as well. Makes me smile, it does.
Oh, conflict, I love it so. It is the maker of awesome stories. I'm curious to see how these two hot-heads will battle it out on this journey, and how they'll make it through alive. I'm wondering if Marika will be a bit more level-headed. They're going to need a mediator, and Blade probably won't care for a job.
As I mentioned before, I like how you combine the history of this world with the action of the plot. At this point, I'm almost more interested in the world than the characters. XD Dropped tidbits about what's happening and how the characters think tell me this is a very complex world. Makes me think and keeps things interesting, yeah?
Good job and can't wait to actually get started with this journey.
21Sercus Kaynine"Fire was not made to be constrained."
Haha, I get it. His name's Pyro so it's like fire and it can't be constrained and... ahem. Anyway.
Also found the foot soldier amusing. Those poor guys always get the heat of it, don't they?
"She had a slim figure, whose pale skin resembled that of her uncle's."
I'm not sure if this is grammatically correct or not, but it reads a little awkwardly. May be say: She had a slim figure, with pale skin resembling that of her uncle's.
"He did not like the way she held herself: the chin tilted so high it could be knifed easily."
I love the way you combine creative descriptions with world history. Here, not only do I have a unique image, I also get a feel for Zora'a character, and Pyro's, as well. Makes me smile, it does.
Oh, conflict, I love it so. It is the maker of awesome stories. I'm curious to see how these two hot-heads will battle it out on this journey, and how they'll make it through alive. I'm wondering if Marika will be a bit more level-headed. They're going to need a mediator, and Blade probably won't care for a job.
As I mentioned before, I like how you combine the history of this world with the action of the plot. At this point, I'm almost more interested in the world than the characters. XD Dropped tidbits about what's happening and how the characters think tell me this is a very complex world. Makes me think and keeps things interesting, yeah?
Good job and can't wait to actually get started with this journey.
12/14/2010 c2 4Frayling0
Brilliant. As expected there were some crackling dynamics between Zora and Pyro, and I can't wait to see more of this soon! I hope their relationship evolves into something different. Once again you dropped subtle, world building hints. We've now heard mention of four clans, and 'gifts' that develop in young adults in Pyro's homeland. I can't wait to see more of this, and understand a bit more about the main character himself. Great work, update soon! ~ Luke, The Roadhouse
4Frayling0Brilliant. As expected there were some crackling dynamics between Zora and Pyro, and I can't wait to see more of this soon! I hope their relationship evolves into something different. Once again you dropped subtle, world building hints. We've now heard mention of four clans, and 'gifts' that develop in young adults in Pyro's homeland. I can't wait to see more of this, and understand a bit more about the main character himself. Great work, update soon! ~ Luke, The Roadhouse
12/13/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
I really like the concept of clans in this world. It's different, and very cool. The prologue was short, so I don't really have a lot to say on here. You have a really interesting opening, and I'm looking forward to reading more! Oh, by the way, Pyro is an awesome name. :)
-Kobra Kid
8Kobra KidI really like the concept of clans in this world. It's different, and very cool. The prologue was short, so I don't really have a lot to say on here. You have a really interesting opening, and I'm looking forward to reading more! Oh, by the way, Pyro is an awesome name. :)
-Kobra Kid
12/13/2010 c1 4Frayling0
First off, I love the name Pyro! Obviously we're just starting up so I can't comment extensively on the story, but I liked the little scraps of world building for example the mention of the Cor. I think this world is very tribal/clan based perhaps? I see Pyro has a vassal-homage sort of relationship with the King so it will be interesting to see how that plays out, where Pyro's loyalties lie or whether they'll be tested. Pyro seems like the embodiment of fire, especially with the fear of water. I can't wait to meet the daughter because I think there will be some interesting dynamics with Pyro. Well done on the last paragraph, it closed the scene in an eerie sort of way - it definitely had an effect on me. You can probably tell that I enjoyed this, I can't wait for more to sink my teeth into! Good work! ~ Luke, The Roadhouse
4Frayling0First off, I love the name Pyro! Obviously we're just starting up so I can't comment extensively on the story, but I liked the little scraps of world building for example the mention of the Cor. I think this world is very tribal/clan based perhaps? I see Pyro has a vassal-homage sort of relationship with the King so it will be interesting to see how that plays out, where Pyro's loyalties lie or whether they'll be tested. Pyro seems like the embodiment of fire, especially with the fear of water. I can't wait to meet the daughter because I think there will be some interesting dynamics with Pyro. Well done on the last paragraph, it closed the scene in an eerie sort of way - it definitely had an effect on me. You can probably tell that I enjoyed this, I can't wait for more to sink my teeth into! Good work! ~ Luke, The Roadhouse
12/13/2010 c1 2daydee
so i was pretty sad that children of winata was completed, but i'm happy to know that i have another great story from you to look forward to.
2daydeeso i was pretty sad that children of winata was completed, but i'm happy to know that i have another great story from you to look forward to.
12/12/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
"Pyros stole forward; his hand sneaked under the heavy tapestries, and he tightened the latch."
Added an "s" at the end of Pyro's name.
Also, I noted that the Chief tells Pyro he wants him to accompany Zora twice. That might just be to reiterate the point, but just so you know.
"Have I sent the child on a death journy?"
Forget the "e" in journey.
I love the way you turned this simple scene into a dramatic one. Here, we see an aged Chief trying not to break down thinking about his beloved daughter. Although I haven't seen much of him, and probably won't because the story's not really about him, he has my sympathy.
It was also effective how you wove in details about the world of this story and its characters, but kept the conversation centered on the two characters at hand, so I could get to see them interact. So even though you threw in details about skin color and clans, and hinted at other characters (who is this Bladed guy, I wonder?) it didn't take me away from the moment.
Normally, I'm one for more action-packed first chapters, but you pulled this tidbit off very nicely. I'm hooked.
21Sercus Kaynine"Pyros stole forward; his hand sneaked under the heavy tapestries, and he tightened the latch."
Added an "s" at the end of Pyro's name.
Also, I noted that the Chief tells Pyro he wants him to accompany Zora twice. That might just be to reiterate the point, but just so you know.
"Have I sent the child on a death journy?"
Forget the "e" in journey.
I love the way you turned this simple scene into a dramatic one. Here, we see an aged Chief trying not to break down thinking about his beloved daughter. Although I haven't seen much of him, and probably won't because the story's not really about him, he has my sympathy.
It was also effective how you wove in details about the world of this story and its characters, but kept the conversation centered on the two characters at hand, so I could get to see them interact. So even though you threw in details about skin color and clans, and hinted at other characters (who is this Bladed guy, I wonder?) it didn't take me away from the moment.
Normally, I'm one for more action-packed first chapters, but you pulled this tidbit off very nicely. I'm hooked.