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for Time : Masters of Order Book One

1/11/2011 c1 10Raebie
This is a really good beginning. I'm definitely gonna read the rest!
1/9/2011 c2 Crys
totally weird! Sounds like Love is up to something!

Anyway, this is totally not the chapter two i was expecting. Nice work.

There are a couple of errors. Sentence fragments, misspelled words and the like.

My suggestion? Read the entire chapter, out loud, to yourself. That'll make them easy to find. You've probably read it a million times already though, so give yourself a few days before doing that.

There are also instances where you use "was" when you need "were" and mix up your and you're, so be sure to nip those in the bud!

Other than that great work and its on to chapter three! :D
1/7/2011 c2 Wendy Thompson135th
Keep working on your proofreading. I'm not detailing every problem, but here are examples of trouble spots.

Homophones are sneaky. You have to watch out for them: "Your right, most people don't know about it..." Her right what? What you need here is not the possessive but the contraction of 'you are'. You're right. The opposite is true here: -When Love had announced that they had arrived she hadn't been completely honest. Yes, they we're here- You don't need the contraction of 'we are', we're, you need the past third person form of 'to be': I was, she was, they WERE. Yes, they were here...

"You expect me to board that plane?" She sputtered, her nerves flying all over the place. ~~and watch the dialogue tag punctuation/capitaliztion. "You expect me to board that plane?" she sputtered, her nerves flying all over the place.

Check for General Typos: Love was going to hear nothing of the short ~~short/sort.

Sentence Fragments: If it could actually accomplish that small feat. ~~tie this up with the preceeding sentence: Here was another plane that would actually get them to the island; if it could actually accomplish that small feat.

Missing Commas Around Interjections: "Please Lacey you're not going anywhere." & "Yes but I came..." ~~ "Please, Lacey, you're not going anywhere." & "Yes, but, I came..." You do it right here: Still, despite the strangeness of it all, Lacey felt safe.

and Unreferenced Pronouns: If only she had known that Love was not talking about protecting her. She was talking about staying in Kirastan. ~~Who the she is in the second part is unclear. Is the she the same as the her? More and clearer referents.
12/22/2010 c1 Lydia Broaden
I'm glad to see that it has some twists, here I have/had the expectation that 1) She's get with the best friend eventually 2)She's some sort of princess. I'm interested to see how it turns out. From the guys perspective, perhaps he could be a touch more reserved? Other than that, it sounds good thus far.
12/21/2010 c1 Wendy Thompson135th
Your proofreading seems inconsistnt. Parts are well done, and other are not so correct.

"When do you get back?" He asked. & "I know." He said. ~~The who said it part needs to be tied to the what was said part. The standard form of tagged dialogue, which is what you wrote in the examples above, goes like this: "I know," he said with the two parts neatly tied together. Notice the comma that ends the last sentence of dialogue and the uncapitalized word immediately following the closing quotation marks.

This is a slightly different problem: "Jake, I think I get the point." His voice was carrying and people were starting to stare. "I think you're more upset than me." & "Hey stop!" Jake slammed on the breaks. "I want to get my mail." In both examples, Jake is the only character mentioned. I had to re-read both these to see who was speaking. A less confusing construction would emphasize the speaker -Lacey- and put Jake's actions into his own paragraph:

Lacey saw heads turn toward them. Jake's voice had been too loud. "Jake," she said, "lower your voice. I think I get the point. I think you're more upset than I am." &

"Hey stop!" Lacey said.((Here, the exclamation point is used and does the same job as a comma or a question mark. Lacey is capitalized because it is a proper noun, a name)) "I want to get my mail."

Jake slammed on the breaks. ((And you need to watch out for homophones. brake/break ~~the first stops the car, the second shatters something)) More correctly, this reads: Jake slammed on the brake and glared at her. "You just gave me whip lash and scared the crap out of me so you could get your mail?" ~~in a separate paragraph.

~~Watch the dialogue tags, both the punctuation and the capitalization. Watch out for homophones. Keep the actions, including dialogue, of each speaker/character in separate paragraphs.

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