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for The Darkest Light

8/23/2011 c1 Kochich
Well, using the Slovak words is interesting. I hope you will continue this story.
12/21/2010 c1 2DollyBegUrPardon
I'd like to begin by saying how much liquid your writing seems to have. Your descriptions and the way you go from one action to the next flows very nicely.

Very interesting concept, I'm interested to see where you go from here; unfortuntately, I'm not too terribly interested. This seems very light with basic descriptions. I think this needs a little bit thicker, and wow the readers with your poetic descriptions.

I'm not a fan of the language. It complicates things. It's not really necessary and I just skip over it.

What needs to be interestingly complicated is the characters. I don't really feel for them at the moment. The characters really don't have anything to them. I'd like to see them as people and not just as furniture in a story.

The part I really began to like, was the part where she began to plan making her escape. I think it adds strength to Darina.

I think it just needs more of 'you' because I don't really see a voice in the story. It all seems a bit rushed.

What you basically got here are the raw materials of a potentially interesting story. It's just needs a little more.

"Almost moonrise, Time to get up, your father wants an audience with you"- You should not capitalize 'time'

"It was a medium large sized room"- I think the medium or large description needs to be taken out.

"With a sigh I rose from my bed and called in a maid."- There needs to be a comma after sigh.

"your mother and I have been talking and we have concluded"- there needs to be a comma after talking.

"Darina now, we want you to be polite to them"- there needs to be a comma after Darina.

I want you to know that everything I've said is completely platonic and I don't meant to hurt your feelings, or try to place you down. I'd like to think that reviews should be constructive and not critical. I'm not saying I'm any better because I make writer farts all the time. Spell check is not very attentive to when I write 'waste' I mean 'waist'. Not that I'm speaking from experience... or maybe so.

Now hurry up with that freaking writer's block and get going on this next chapter, dag nabbit! I want more.

Happy Trails, Mary-Lou

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