for Darkness and Light12/26/2010 c1 Annika Himmell
This is, on a whole, written quite well, there are just a few problems with the imagery that can easily be fixed. In the first paragraph you compare the bed sheets to a spiderweb. I don't know about you, but to a general audience, spiderwebs evoke a sense of danger or fear, something generally frightening and uneasy. I think that the imagery of that should be something more pointless than the frightening image of a spiderweb. Next is that the name Thomas just drops out of nowhere to me. I know that Thomas is the boy mentioned in the second paragraph, but there is no introduction to his name and that needs to be cleared up. Also, there is no hint that he is the boy that has problems at home until you spell it out at the end of the story. It would be better if you remark on a bruise or something of that nature. The bit with the drug addict was quite enjoyable to read but there was a bit that sounded good but didn't make any sense image-wise. It was the line about his maze of veins standing to attention. The way you have it phrased, it sounds like mazes commonly stand to attention, as if that is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of mazes. It just sounds odd. I do like the image of a maze of veins and them standing to attention, just not together. If you rephrase that sentence, it could be really good. Next might just be a typo, but the drug addict only has one jaw. You wrote Jaws. Next has to do with the way he dies. He is injecting what I can only assume to be heroin and that does not make you foam at the mouth if you OD. Poison does, but not heroin. You would just die from an over-dose of that. No foam. That is a little over the top and takes away from the actual story for the slightest moment. Overall, I really enjoyed the story as a whole. It came across well, was wonderful to read, but the message at the end was spelled out far too much for me to move on without commenting on it. Very easily, you can tie all of these people together and have this sense of belonging if you write little tie-ins that move the attention smoothly from one story to another, as you did in the first paragraph to the second. You wrote that she could see the next house from the window of her room where the next bit of the action takes place. But do that for each one. Like have the truck drive by the house with the drug addict inside or something to that effect that weaves all of these narratives together and then have the final reveal at the end, that sums up an understanding of belonging to not be spelled out for the reader so any idiot could understand that that is what the story is about, but have the woman actually get to sleep peacefully. That way you are showing and not telling. You are so close to having a truly wonderful story. You just have some light housekeeping to do.
This is, on a whole, written quite well, there are just a few problems with the imagery that can easily be fixed. In the first paragraph you compare the bed sheets to a spiderweb. I don't know about you, but to a general audience, spiderwebs evoke a sense of danger or fear, something generally frightening and uneasy. I think that the imagery of that should be something more pointless than the frightening image of a spiderweb. Next is that the name Thomas just drops out of nowhere to me. I know that Thomas is the boy mentioned in the second paragraph, but there is no introduction to his name and that needs to be cleared up. Also, there is no hint that he is the boy that has problems at home until you spell it out at the end of the story. It would be better if you remark on a bruise or something of that nature. The bit with the drug addict was quite enjoyable to read but there was a bit that sounded good but didn't make any sense image-wise. It was the line about his maze of veins standing to attention. The way you have it phrased, it sounds like mazes commonly stand to attention, as if that is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of mazes. It just sounds odd. I do like the image of a maze of veins and them standing to attention, just not together. If you rephrase that sentence, it could be really good. Next might just be a typo, but the drug addict only has one jaw. You wrote Jaws. Next has to do with the way he dies. He is injecting what I can only assume to be heroin and that does not make you foam at the mouth if you OD. Poison does, but not heroin. You would just die from an over-dose of that. No foam. That is a little over the top and takes away from the actual story for the slightest moment. Overall, I really enjoyed the story as a whole. It came across well, was wonderful to read, but the message at the end was spelled out far too much for me to move on without commenting on it. Very easily, you can tie all of these people together and have this sense of belonging if you write little tie-ins that move the attention smoothly from one story to another, as you did in the first paragraph to the second. You wrote that she could see the next house from the window of her room where the next bit of the action takes place. But do that for each one. Like have the truck drive by the house with the drug addict inside or something to that effect that weaves all of these narratives together and then have the final reveal at the end, that sums up an understanding of belonging to not be spelled out for the reader so any idiot could understand that that is what the story is about, but have the woman actually get to sleep peacefully. That way you are showing and not telling. You are so close to having a truly wonderful story. You just have some light housekeeping to do.
12/26/2010 c1 Danielle Gin
Over all, I liked the piece! Your choice in diction was immaculate. The story acquired a rhyme at times which gave it an almost nursery-esque feel. This made the story's content even more interesting.
Another thing I liked were your characters. While how they were connected was a nice, encompassing touch, what I particularly enjoyed about them were their quirks and faults. Too often writers will try to create a perfect person and fail to realise it's our imperfections that make us perfect. Be it insomnia, an abusive parent, drug usage, unstable marriage, ect.. So great character development. You gave the reader just enough information on them to form an emotional bond without weighing down your story so as to miss your point.
I would, however, reccomend another read through, especially since this is an assignment. There were a few missing commas and artical adjs missing, but nothing you can't fix in another read through. Great work, really! I hope you get an A!
Over all, I liked the piece! Your choice in diction was immaculate. The story acquired a rhyme at times which gave it an almost nursery-esque feel. This made the story's content even more interesting.
Another thing I liked were your characters. While how they were connected was a nice, encompassing touch, what I particularly enjoyed about them were their quirks and faults. Too often writers will try to create a perfect person and fail to realise it's our imperfections that make us perfect. Be it insomnia, an abusive parent, drug usage, unstable marriage, ect.. So great character development. You gave the reader just enough information on them to form an emotional bond without weighing down your story so as to miss your point.
I would, however, reccomend another read through, especially since this is an assignment. There were a few missing commas and artical adjs missing, but nothing you can't fix in another read through. Great work, really! I hope you get an A!
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