for Her Dork In Tinfoil Armour10/23/2016 c2 
1Du
So. I read SBTD a while back, and had this story on my to-read list for a long time... I finally came around to starting today- and let me tell you, I am loving David's point of view so much. This was beautiful, this chapter. Such an emotional scene. I cried, so much. I just had to tell you. You have a gift.
1DuSo. I read SBTD a while back, and had this story on my to-read list for a long time... I finally came around to starting today- and let me tell you, I am loving David's point of view so much. This was beautiful, this chapter. Such an emotional scene. I cried, so much. I just had to tell you. You have a gift.
11/4/2013 c22 Calaquend
Ok, ok, now that I'm done weeping, I think I can continue reading without my hands being clenched in my blankie!
Ok, ok, now that I'm done weeping, I think I can continue reading without my hands being clenched in my blankie!
11/3/2013 c2 Calaquend
Again, with the tears, like good lord. You haven't written a story that doesn't make me cry. Not that that's a bad thing, very good skill! I'm so curious to see what happens next!
Again, with the tears, like good lord. You haven't written a story that doesn't make me cry. Not that that's a bad thing, very good skill! I'm so curious to see what happens next!
6/29/2013 c33 the vcg
Good story. David and Gareth's friendship was hilarious and I really liked the flow of the story
Good story. David and Gareth's friendship was hilarious and I really liked the flow of the story
12/20/2012 c33 1Lady Of Cythera
Okay, I just want you to know that I read this story a small while back. Can't remember how I found it, only that Amber is my favourite name and I was writing a story with her name in it and... and it really doesn't matter how I found it... but I just think you should know that this story is so bloody amazing and I have read it so many times. It should have so much more recognition than it already does have. I love everything about it. You capture the passion so well and the storyline is brilliant. I honestly love everything about it - the cheesy and the witty British remarks. Everything. And you make David so attractive... even with his twelve toes... So, yeah... I know I should have reviewed sooner, but this story is one I regularly visit because it's so genius! Thank you again for posting such a brilliant story!
1Lady Of CytheraOkay, I just want you to know that I read this story a small while back. Can't remember how I found it, only that Amber is my favourite name and I was writing a story with her name in it and... and it really doesn't matter how I found it... but I just think you should know that this story is so bloody amazing and I have read it so many times. It should have so much more recognition than it already does have. I love everything about it. You capture the passion so well and the storyline is brilliant. I honestly love everything about it - the cheesy and the witty British remarks. Everything. And you make David so attractive... even with his twelve toes... So, yeah... I know I should have reviewed sooner, but this story is one I regularly visit because it's so genius! Thank you again for posting such a brilliant story!
9/13/2012 c33 Aqua77
All I can say is 'Wow'...what an epic story. Whitty, heart-breaking, with unexpected twists and turns, great dialogue balance, clear characters and a happy end (without becomming to mush)...great job!
All I can say is 'Wow'...what an epic story. Whitty, heart-breaking, with unexpected twists and turns, great dialogue balance, clear characters and a happy end (without becomming to mush)...great job!
7/1/2012 c2 2dragonflydreamer
[Ever since That Night - that's all I ever referred to it as; That Night, we'd slowly drifted apart.] I'd change this punctuation to: "Ever since That Night - that's all I ever referred to it as: That Night-we'd slowly drifted apart."
[I would have been crazy not to have done.] "Done it" maybe?
[But it may have had something to do with a certain woman which was the reason that I couldn't be around him anymore.] Really awkward sentence. I think you can replace the "which was" with a comma and you're good, but feel free to reword however you want. You just basically said the same thing twice.
[and its place was a neatly combed cut. ] "in its place"
[I had also taken his words far too heart.] "far too much to heart" ?
[He worriedly bit her lip as I turned and walked out] She, not he.
[the most lovely and kindest person I knew ] "The most lovely and kind."
Not really many typos, but there were a lot of awkward phrases in this. I'd say tack on one more read-over than you normally do.
Wow, there's a lot packed into this chapter! The pacing of this story really has be intrigued. Already it seems like so much action has happened since his meeting Amber and his mother's passing are so emotionally charged. And yet this is two chapter of a thirty-three-chapter story, so there's obviously much more plot to come. I'm interested to see where you're taking this when you seem to have so much happening already.
I really like David's character, not because he's necessarily a likeable guy, but because he has so many faults and doesn't hesitate to admit them. He's very real. The scene with him flipping out on Michael was great. If you'd just revealed him to be a womanizer, it would be hard to root for him, but coupled with his strong conviction against cheating, the two balance each other out. The fact that he's forcing himself to keep his distance from Amber also says a lot about him. Based on his character so far, I feel like if anything happens between them, it will be due to her actions, not his.
Speaking of Amber, I love how much she's mentioned without ever appearing. Even more than seeing her directly through David's eyes, this really puts her on a pedestal and makes her more of an abstract entity of this perfect girl than a person. I'm sure there will come a point where this is reconciled and we come to see her as a real person, but it's great to see her venerated to such a degree for now.
2dragonflydreamer[Ever since That Night - that's all I ever referred to it as; That Night, we'd slowly drifted apart.] I'd change this punctuation to: "Ever since That Night - that's all I ever referred to it as: That Night-we'd slowly drifted apart."
[I would have been crazy not to have done.] "Done it" maybe?
[But it may have had something to do with a certain woman which was the reason that I couldn't be around him anymore.] Really awkward sentence. I think you can replace the "which was" with a comma and you're good, but feel free to reword however you want. You just basically said the same thing twice.
[and its place was a neatly combed cut. ] "in its place"
[I had also taken his words far too heart.] "far too much to heart" ?
[He worriedly bit her lip as I turned and walked out] She, not he.
[the most lovely and kindest person I knew ] "The most lovely and kind."
Not really many typos, but there were a lot of awkward phrases in this. I'd say tack on one more read-over than you normally do.
Wow, there's a lot packed into this chapter! The pacing of this story really has be intrigued. Already it seems like so much action has happened since his meeting Amber and his mother's passing are so emotionally charged. And yet this is two chapter of a thirty-three-chapter story, so there's obviously much more plot to come. I'm interested to see where you're taking this when you seem to have so much happening already.
I really like David's character, not because he's necessarily a likeable guy, but because he has so many faults and doesn't hesitate to admit them. He's very real. The scene with him flipping out on Michael was great. If you'd just revealed him to be a womanizer, it would be hard to root for him, but coupled with his strong conviction against cheating, the two balance each other out. The fact that he's forcing himself to keep his distance from Amber also says a lot about him. Based on his character so far, I feel like if anything happens between them, it will be due to her actions, not his.
Speaking of Amber, I love how much she's mentioned without ever appearing. Even more than seeing her directly through David's eyes, this really puts her on a pedestal and makes her more of an abstract entity of this perfect girl than a person. I'm sure there will come a point where this is reconciled and we come to see her as a real person, but it's great to see her venerated to such a degree for now.
6/28/2012 c6 76The Autumn Queen
You’re starting to overuse commas again (you didn’t in the last two or three chapters). It does help in making the opening recount a little more jarring, but I also think there are better ways of doing it and making the effect more…punchy I guess, instead of having commas disrupt the flow of semi-dragging sentences.
I like the quirk with the amnesia. Instead of going with the typical “I can’t remember so let’s piece everything together” hype, you’ve done something just as believable, perhaps more so with brain damage and all, and yet different. And the constant mentions of Amber mark it as a rather personal account, which is made more interesting by the fact that Davis is neither of those characters.
76The Autumn QueenYou’re starting to overuse commas again (you didn’t in the last two or three chapters). It does help in making the opening recount a little more jarring, but I also think there are better ways of doing it and making the effect more…punchy I guess, instead of having commas disrupt the flow of semi-dragging sentences.
I like the quirk with the amnesia. Instead of going with the typical “I can’t remember so let’s piece everything together” hype, you’ve done something just as believable, perhaps more so with brain damage and all, and yet different. And the constant mentions of Amber mark it as a rather personal account, which is made more interesting by the fact that Davis is neither of those characters.
6/28/2012 c5 The Autumn Queen
Ignore the comment about Rowling in your previous review; I was reviewing someone else's work at the same time and the reviews got mixed up. Sorry for the confusion.
I thought icy water is bad for headaches. So it does seem rather odd that David thinks an icy shower would help; he should have experience with hangovers. Getting some food in his stomach would be better…or Panadol or something on short notice. No pills, and no mention of them? The combination makes it sound a little unbelievable. Or maybe he’s having a hard time remembering things from that time. It doesn’t particularly sound like that from the narration though.
I love the way you summarised the last couple chapters by Gareth’s narration. It’s more interesting than seeing a narrative summary, and the way he says it, while somewhat typical of…well, gossip, is very eyecatching. Particularly with Martha sitting there.
Ignore the comment about Rowling in your previous review; I was reviewing someone else's work at the same time and the reviews got mixed up. Sorry for the confusion.
I thought icy water is bad for headaches. So it does seem rather odd that David thinks an icy shower would help; he should have experience with hangovers. Getting some food in his stomach would be better…or Panadol or something on short notice. No pills, and no mention of them? The combination makes it sound a little unbelievable. Or maybe he’s having a hard time remembering things from that time. It doesn’t particularly sound like that from the narration though.
I love the way you summarised the last couple chapters by Gareth’s narration. It’s more interesting than seeing a narrative summary, and the way he says it, while somewhat typical of…well, gossip, is very eyecatching. Particularly with Martha sitting there.
6/28/2012 c4 The Autumn Queen
Interesting beginning. Immediately battled a well-founded cliché while linking back to the previous chapter’s ending in a semi-detached way. Sounds like he’s scared and trying to cover it up by acting the “tough” guy in those first few sentences.
You certainly put more detail into your work than Rowling does. I love the description of Filch’s grin. On that same paragraph though, I think you should have split the long sentence of dialogue up with that description. Ie. “…” he said with a grin. “…” – except properly of course.
Interesting ploy about the hand-cuffs. It seems a cross of a more sexual nature verses. Something that could be completely innocent, and that verses the almost disappointed recount of the arrest. There’s an element of ennui in that; he’d been hoping for something grander almost.
They didn’t know about security? Seriously? I’m surprised Davis didn’t react to that.
["It'll show what I say." I replied confidently] – comma instead of fullstop. The “I replied” stems into the dialogue as opposed to being a separate action.
Interesting beginning. Immediately battled a well-founded cliché while linking back to the previous chapter’s ending in a semi-detached way. Sounds like he’s scared and trying to cover it up by acting the “tough” guy in those first few sentences.
You certainly put more detail into your work than Rowling does. I love the description of Filch’s grin. On that same paragraph though, I think you should have split the long sentence of dialogue up with that description. Ie. “…” he said with a grin. “…” – except properly of course.
Interesting ploy about the hand-cuffs. It seems a cross of a more sexual nature verses. Something that could be completely innocent, and that verses the almost disappointed recount of the arrest. There’s an element of ennui in that; he’d been hoping for something grander almost.
They didn’t know about security? Seriously? I’m surprised Davis didn’t react to that.
["It'll show what I say." I replied confidently] – comma instead of fullstop. The “I replied” stems into the dialogue as opposed to being a separate action.
6/28/2012 c3 The Autumn Queen
I love the title of this one. Definitely in keeping with Davis’ personality (or what I’ve seen so far) – and typical, yet captivating at the same time.
[A few months later everything changed.] – this is a place where you would use a comma.
I like your beginning; it sounds like he’s a little unsure and off-footed, but it doesn’t show him off as an under-confident person. It shows a slightly more vulnerable side while keeping in with his character. Particularly since this chapter is a little along (ie. not the first couple), it becomes more difficult from experience to keep within the character frame you’ve drawn up in the first chapter, but I think you’re doing quite a good job at it.
I also like the emotion that came through with this chapter. Not exactly relatable for me, but you’ve written it so well that it doesn’t really matter in terms of getting into the piece.
I love the title of this one. Definitely in keeping with Davis’ personality (or what I’ve seen so far) – and typical, yet captivating at the same time.
[A few months later everything changed.] – this is a place where you would use a comma.
I like your beginning; it sounds like he’s a little unsure and off-footed, but it doesn’t show him off as an under-confident person. It shows a slightly more vulnerable side while keeping in with his character. Particularly since this chapter is a little along (ie. not the first couple), it becomes more difficult from experience to keep within the character frame you’ve drawn up in the first chapter, but I think you’re doing quite a good job at it.
I also like the emotion that came through with this chapter. Not exactly relatable for me, but you’ve written it so well that it doesn’t really matter in terms of getting into the piece.
6/28/2012 c2 The Autumn Queen
I still get the impression you’re overusing commas here. For example, the line: [I shook my head at Michael as we walked down the linoleum floored corridor, towards the cafeteria] doesn’t require one. It makes the reading a little less fluid, particularly since I don’t feel there’s an overly lack-of-confidence from the narrator. Those sorts of people tend to talk a lot more and go off in more tangents than Davis does, so the extra commas don’t help in picturing his character.
That’s about all I can point out for improvement, except perhaps a couple of more minor things. Once again, I enjoyed the loose atmosphere that is demonstrated with the affiliation of characters, particularly the scene at the beginning that demonstrates that some things never change, so to speak.
On an off note, five years sounds a little much, especially since he was at uni to begin with. Generally, courses finish in three to four years and David nor his friend sound the sort to continue on with further education, nor be taking something like medicine which is distinctly longer.
I still get the impression you’re overusing commas here. For example, the line: [I shook my head at Michael as we walked down the linoleum floored corridor, towards the cafeteria] doesn’t require one. It makes the reading a little less fluid, particularly since I don’t feel there’s an overly lack-of-confidence from the narrator. Those sorts of people tend to talk a lot more and go off in more tangents than Davis does, so the extra commas don’t help in picturing his character.
That’s about all I can point out for improvement, except perhaps a couple of more minor things. Once again, I enjoyed the loose atmosphere that is demonstrated with the affiliation of characters, particularly the scene at the beginning that demonstrates that some things never change, so to speak.
On an off note, five years sounds a little much, especially since he was at uni to begin with. Generally, courses finish in three to four years and David nor his friend sound the sort to continue on with further education, nor be taking something like medicine which is distinctly longer.
6/28/2012 c1 The Autumn Queen
[I realised that my assumption on the last of those was completely wrong, as I listened to my
flatmate's hollering screams, along with a tearing sound, echo from up the hallway.] - This
particular sentence feels like you're mincing words a little too much. Or perhaps commas; it reads
rather awkwardly, especially when reading the following narration.
Apart from that, I rather like the narrative voice. Simple and easy to understand - and while I'll
say he does seem a little immature for a uni student - he's clear about what he's saying (or rather,
you're clear on the voice you're writing as). I can practically feel the irritation halfway down the
first page...and that's not even something I can symphathise with. And the awkward conversations
too.
["Apples? Why would I invest in apples?"] - lol, Death Note reference.
["Yeah, only, when I said it, I actually got told so back."] - I think you could vary the pauses a
little. I noted you seem to use quite a bit of commas.
That bit of song in the middle, was it a part of the narration or song-fic style? Ie. complimentary. I couldn't really tell whether he heard it or not, considering his voice trailed off and all.
[That was when I saw her; and in those few milliseconds, the goals of my life instantaneously changed. ] - I'd have to disagree with your use of ; there.
[I realised that my assumption on the last of those was completely wrong, as I listened to my
flatmate's hollering screams, along with a tearing sound, echo from up the hallway.] - This
particular sentence feels like you're mincing words a little too much. Or perhaps commas; it reads
rather awkwardly, especially when reading the following narration.
Apart from that, I rather like the narrative voice. Simple and easy to understand - and while I'll
say he does seem a little immature for a uni student - he's clear about what he's saying (or rather,
you're clear on the voice you're writing as). I can practically feel the irritation halfway down the
first page...and that's not even something I can symphathise with. And the awkward conversations
too.
["Apples? Why would I invest in apples?"] - lol, Death Note reference.
["Yeah, only, when I said it, I actually got told so back."] - I think you could vary the pauses a
little. I noted you seem to use quite a bit of commas.
That bit of song in the middle, was it a part of the narration or song-fic style? Ie. complimentary. I couldn't really tell whether he heard it or not, considering his voice trailed off and all.
[That was when I saw her; and in those few milliseconds, the goals of my life instantaneously changed. ] - I'd have to disagree with your use of ; there.