for Merboy1/1/2011 c1 Rene
Okay,there were two minor mistakes but I'm sure someone already told you about them so I won't but I'd really like if you'd continue this...it's really different from the other cliche "badboy meets good girl" or "popular guys falls for nerd girl" stories and it's refreshing to know there are still some writers that think outside the box or land barriers (lol)...anyways update soon please!
Okay,there were two minor mistakes but I'm sure someone already told you about them so I won't but I'd really like if you'd continue this...it's really different from the other cliche "badboy meets good girl" or "popular guys falls for nerd girl" stories and it's refreshing to know there are still some writers that think outside the box or land barriers (lol)...anyways update soon please!
1/1/2011 c1 Misty Perez
I really like the discriptiveness given -"his eyes were a perfect combination of sky blue and forest green, the exact shade of the sea", I also liked the characters and although there are some minor errors I still enjoyed it and think you should continue
I really like the discriptiveness given -"his eyes were a perfect combination of sky blue and forest green, the exact shade of the sea", I also liked the characters and although there are some minor errors I still enjoyed it and think you should continue
1/1/2011 c1 Starcatcher
Aw...I think the scene between the merboy and Kerrie is too cute :D...keep wriing, this story could go places!
Aw...I think the scene between the merboy and Kerrie is too cute :D...keep wriing, this story could go places!
1/1/2011 c1 Sowhatifiread
I really like the Idea of this story because it's unique and not cliche ...I can't really say if I like it yet though because it's only the first chapter but I can't wait till the next one :)
I really like the Idea of this story because it's unique and not cliche ...I can't really say if I like it yet though because it's only the first chapter but I can't wait till the next one :)
12/31/2010 c1 Lustful Muse
When the boy asks "why are you crying?" Kerrie responds with "no." - I think you probably meant for him to ask "are you crying?"
Also, rather than "His grasped her arm with both hands and tugged hard," you probably meant to write "He" - don't worry, these are just minor errors (I make them all the time too).
As for you story, I have to say that I'm looking forward to how you progress with it. I'm guessing that your next chapter will probably fast forward to when Kerrie and Laney are in their teens. It's a bit hard to say what I think of your writing so far but I do like your subject matter - a merBOY. There is definitely not enough stories on this site that feature mermen ;)
Anyways, good job so far and keep writing! XD
When the boy asks "why are you crying?" Kerrie responds with "no." - I think you probably meant for him to ask "are you crying?"
Also, rather than "His grasped her arm with both hands and tugged hard," you probably meant to write "He" - don't worry, these are just minor errors (I make them all the time too).
As for you story, I have to say that I'm looking forward to how you progress with it. I'm guessing that your next chapter will probably fast forward to when Kerrie and Laney are in their teens. It's a bit hard to say what I think of your writing so far but I do like your subject matter - a merBOY. There is definitely not enough stories on this site that feature mermen ;)
Anyways, good job so far and keep writing! XD
12/31/2010 c1 
4HighOnBrokenWings
"Hey, why are you crying?" a soft voice asked.
And then it progresses to her answering no, as if he'd asked if she were crying at all. Try getting someone to read over it, because often we don't see those little mistakes in our own writing, because we're so caught up in the story, and just write on from what we were thinking, rather than what was actually written. It's annoying :D Don't worry, I do it all the time, and proofreading seems to fix these little mistakes.
I think it sounds really interesting, so far, although there's not really any reason to put it in italics if it's used for the whole passage, sometimes indicating it's a memory with them at the beginning and the end can be enough, because italics can be hard, distracting, and kind of dismissed as either being unimportant, or asthough the whole thing is highly emphasised.
Another thing you may want to work on is showing, rather than telling, this means giving clues to what's happening, and how the characters look and what not, without actually stiffly, directly telling us. This leads to more interaction between the reader and the story, and makes a story far more indepth and colourful because you are no longer telling exactly what is happening, but rather what the characters see is happening, leaving it for the reader to determine the full meaning. This isn't too bad in this, though, because you've done it in third person, and it doesn't seem dorky, because it's not like the characters directly talking about her hair colour and what not.
I think this has a whole heap of potential, and you definitely have some lovely descriptive writing going on, it just needs to be continued to be developed.
Oh shivers, I've done exactly what was done to me when I first came on this site! Given an extremely critical review on your first story, which may potentially be your first review. Please don't let that discourage you! Because I can tell that you definitely have a talent, and that it's just a little unpolished so far :) Keep it up, I'd love to see the next chapter :)
4HighOnBrokenWings"Hey, why are you crying?" a soft voice asked.
And then it progresses to her answering no, as if he'd asked if she were crying at all. Try getting someone to read over it, because often we don't see those little mistakes in our own writing, because we're so caught up in the story, and just write on from what we were thinking, rather than what was actually written. It's annoying :D Don't worry, I do it all the time, and proofreading seems to fix these little mistakes.
I think it sounds really interesting, so far, although there's not really any reason to put it in italics if it's used for the whole passage, sometimes indicating it's a memory with them at the beginning and the end can be enough, because italics can be hard, distracting, and kind of dismissed as either being unimportant, or asthough the whole thing is highly emphasised.
Another thing you may want to work on is showing, rather than telling, this means giving clues to what's happening, and how the characters look and what not, without actually stiffly, directly telling us. This leads to more interaction between the reader and the story, and makes a story far more indepth and colourful because you are no longer telling exactly what is happening, but rather what the characters see is happening, leaving it for the reader to determine the full meaning. This isn't too bad in this, though, because you've done it in third person, and it doesn't seem dorky, because it's not like the characters directly talking about her hair colour and what not.
I think this has a whole heap of potential, and you definitely have some lovely descriptive writing going on, it just needs to be continued to be developed.
Oh shivers, I've done exactly what was done to me when I first came on this site! Given an extremely critical review on your first story, which may potentially be your first review. Please don't let that discourage you! Because I can tell that you definitely have a talent, and that it's just a little unpolished so far :) Keep it up, I'd love to see the next chapter :)