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11/25/2011 c1 Whirlymerle
Hey, so apparently, I reviewed both of your chapters, so I'm doing this as an anonymous reviewer.

[I looked around at the gorgeous forest.] I thought the rest of your paragraph was really descriptive and beautiful that this opening sentence didn't do much for it. I think your opening would have been much stronger if you just started with the next sentence.

You change a lot of perspectives in this chapter, and I think you want some scene breaks to prevent confusion.

I enjoyed the mystery of the chapter, and I'm a sucker for the medieval village (I think?) setting. Nice job!

1/30/2011 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
Your diaologue is beautiful almost poetic-like :), it was awesome and so realisic in my head. Your characters are cool as well. I can't wait to see more. Keep up the good work

1/30/2011 c2 this wild abyss
Okay, so you've presented this female character like a flawless deity or something, which usually isn't the best course of action. Even if this person really is flawless, don't try to make it so obvious. Also, it's a little hard to tell which character is which because you haven't really introduced any of the characters to the audience other than a passing mention of their name.

I like your transitions between scenes. They're fairly smooth and aren't overly jarring.
1/30/2011 c2 2Elsbeth Lagrange
Well, here you seem to have left your dear readers with a lot of unanswered questions! Nothing wrong with that, of course. I really enjoyed the sensory quality of this, it evokes a great deal of beauty. I notice that very near the beginning of each chapter, actually, you use the word "gorgeous." In both cases I would cut it. In Chapter 1, your description of the forest more than speaks for itself, so that the reader can draw his or her own conclusions, and in Chapter 2, you use the word "handsome" in the very next sentence.

Another matter of diction I had a bit of trouble with is your relationship with the word "of":

"I first checked her pulse and was ecstatic when I felt the faintest of pulses."

"The last of his words were tinted with concern."

"saying it was that of an angel's"

I think situations like this drag out your sentences needlessly, and give it a somewhat unnatural feeling- which is fine if it's what you're going for. Though note in the first example you use the word "pulse" twice in one sentence, and in the third example you end up expressing possession in two different ways (ie: either she "has the voice of an angel" or "her voice is an angel's").

Anyway, I really think you capture a clear feeling in this story, and I commend you for that. I think there is a lot of potential here!
1/30/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
[The flowers on the trees were covered in snow, yet they were still blooming.] Very interesting picture you painted there! It made the setting very magical.

[All I could remember was this beautiful place that was slowly killing me.] I thought this is too fast. A little more explanation as too why the woods is killing the narrator, or what the narrator is feeling as she’s dying, would be nice.

Since you’re writing in first person, I got a little confused by the brothers when you changed perspectives. Maybe you could include their names to explicitly show that it’s a different character changing.

[My eyes were a beautiful icy pale blue… He smiled at the sound of my voice which I already knew he would. What guy wouldn't?]

The mystery of the intro chapter is very nice. :)

~Merle— this one’s for the Roadhouse
1/30/2011 c1 this wild abyss
Having more than one first person narrator per chapter gets a little confusing because the reader doesn't know who is speaking or what's going one. It would be better to stick to one character's perspective per chapter or at least differentiate as the points of view change.

I liked the dialogue here because it felt natural and realistic, like something real people would say.
1/30/2011 c2 Whirlymerle
[drenched in ice cold snow.]

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not loving the imagery here. I think it has to do with the fact that snow and ice are both forms of frozen water, so it’s like saying “snow cold snow”. Consider using another description for the coldness.

[My eyes were a beautiful icy pale blue… He smiled at the sound of my voice which I already knew he would. What guy wouldn't?]

Adora sounds a little egotistical, but I can see that she has full right to be. It also makes her interesting. It would be interesting to see that trait played out.

No typos that I can find, good job!

1/28/2011 c2 4lookingwest
I thought back trying to remember something...

-Edit: alright, so what's the difference between "thinking back" and "remembering"? There isn't one. It's redundant here, so cut it down to: "I tried to remember..."

...but all I can remember is a forest

-Edit: actually, now I'm confused. The first sentence of this chapter is in past tense, so why is this all of the sudden in present tense? Remember to stay consistent when you're narrating. Change "can" to "could" and "is" to "was"

...a night stand by the bed I lay in...

-Edit: would omit "I lay in" also, I think you've got the wrong "lay", it should be "lie", or "was lying"

...the man on the ground stirred.

-Edit: since we're inside, "ground" should be "floor"

I found the pace really picked up in the last part there, and I feel like there could have been a lot more description into that transition and the walking so it felt rushed and I didn't particularly care for it. I didn't like that both of these introduced characters seem like perfect people as far as attractiveness. Both of them seemed introduced in a Mary-Sue fashion, what with the perfect voice of "an angel" and the stunning eyes and beautiful glowing skin...it just isn't my thing. Yes, it's cool to have very attractive characters, but I felt it was coming off a little too strongly in the first part. I also felt like their conversation was stiff and the dialogue wasn't accompanied with much else than just physical notation and description.
1/28/2011 c1 1StoryMonster
Kind of a rough start, and I didn't get much on the characters, but the descriptions were pretty cool.=D
1/27/2011 c2 3AccioAshes
As previous reviews have already said, this chapter IS more detailed than the first, though I still think it could use a little more description, especially in some parts.

Try to show us more of how Andreas thinks. I want to know more about him and Synn, even the village (village could use a name, maybe, and a description of where it is - like northern, southern, near an ocean or a smaller body of water).

There are one or two grammer problems, but it's mainly small things like you using "to" instead of "too" in some places, or vice versa.

Overall, I'm really liking the storyline and want to know what happens next! (Nice idea, Synn being gone and all!) :]

1/27/2011 c1 27Just Silly Me
Thanks for your bunny submission to Fire Me Up! This is your return read. Sorry it’s a bit late.

“shining sun was so bright” - “so” isn’t really needed. “So” seems to prompt something to follow, like “so bright it blinded.” As it doesn’t do that, take that word out.

Comma after “into the snow.”

The comma after “under my feet” isn’t needed.

Comma after “rushed over to her” also isn’t needed.

“ecstatic” is a great word!

This doesn’t have to do with the writing itself, but what happened to the lines with the section starting with ‘I heard someone calling my name”?

Comma after “after a few steps.”

Do you need a period after “to be my brother’s”? I think you do, because “Next” is capitalized.

There needs to be a period after “I demanded.”

Comma after “my brother whispered.”

“what had overcome me” - “what came over me.”

Comma after “Synn.”

That’s a cool name, by the way.

Comma after “Aislinn’s tent.”

“she spoke sternly” - this tag is a bit awkward.

Overall, not a bad start. I just mainly see grammar stuff. I will read the second chapter after dinner.


A review for The Roadhouse forum
1/26/2011 c2 pokinbigfire
You are dealing with a common and very tricky problem for writers here. you are asking the question: "How do I from more than one character's perspective in the same story?"

You solution is to write from two points of view.



Everything has an advantage and a disadvantage . Sticking to one first person narrator means you can keep a very simple hold on a linear plot, but you are limited by what one character can experience and explain . With two sets of eyes into the world you have created ,the reader gets their different points of view ,without you, the writer having to narrate the whole thing.

The possible downside to this is, if they are doing different things it's going to require a lot more effort for you to keep a coherence and keep you characters organized, and you are going to have to possibly describe ( different aspects of) the same thing , a number of times, from either Andrea's or Andora's points of view, and keep it fresh and interesting.

What I like about this is the magical, folk-tale, feel to it. Visualized , the characters are against a white background and I can see their eyes, and the vivid colors of their clothing. Their eye colors are opposites, now that is intersting . The landscape is frozen but their reader senses the feelings. Its almost like the landscape and the characters were opposites of each other. Did you deliberately contrast them against this background like this?- did you contrast them against each other to develop their personalities as the story progresses.- Is this the fable where both believe at the beginning, they might have found the 'other half of themselves', and are you going to bring in some harsh reality to wake them up to this mythical position on relationships.

So ,in Chapter 2 Andora wakes up and we have a sense of where your characters emotions might lead them and this is enough to bring the reader along. We also have the hook of the mystery as to why Andora was in the snowfields and what is she doing in the village.

Andrea's red eyes suggest this place has magic and , therefore Andora might be a witch- but what kind of witch is she? Is she really finding him attractive or is she unconsciously casting a spell over him and he is as all men appear to her when she is doing this. Perhaps that spell would be a witch's defense mechanism , automatic as a displayed like a shimmering peacock's tail if captured, one that allowed witches to survive in such places.- Is she really beautiful? Does she really not know who she is know who she is, or is it all part of the spell? Andreas has certainly taken to her without question and he's almost dismissed Aslinn's warning- Should he have heeded it ?

You're keeping the reader guessing very well and it is an enjoyable tale with a huge potential.
1/18/2011 c1 downforthecount
I think that this is a decent beginning. I thought it was interesting that the beautiful place was killing the narrator. It was a nice juxtaposition. I do feel like this chapter could stand for a little more dialogue. It seemed like there was a lot happening that the characters didn't discuss. I do also really enjoy the names you have given your characters. Keep up the good writing.

~CynicallyOptimistic RH~
1/15/2011 c2 8Kobra Kid
Okay, this was a lot better than the first chapter! The opening paragraphs were better written and gave us more insight into the girl's mind. However, I still think you need a better transition into the two brothers finding her. The writing is fine, but it's sudden and abrupt. Besides that, wonderful job!

Kobra Kid, Roadhouse

P.S. If you don't mind, can you payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks!
1/15/2011 c1 Kobra Kid
Okay, you have a fabulous story in your hands. I love the plot and the whole concept of it, but I think it was so rushed. The first paragraph was perfectly fine. But, all of a sudden, without a line break or anything, it skips to this strange, unknown man finding her. Why was he hunting? Who is he? There's no character development. I think you should of had a few paragraphs with him and his brother, Synne, taking before they separated to cover more ground. That would lead us into him finding the girl a lot better. Besides that, good job!

Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
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