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for He Dreamed In Erebus

2/8/2011 c1 24Elennar

First review from the RG Various.

The strongest aspect of this- and the rest of your pieces, really- is your writing style. It's like your very *style* changes to reflect your setting, and that's really awesome! In this case, everything that you wrote was infused with a dream like surreal quality that was really a treat to read. Nice job!

The first thing- and only thing- that put me off was the line, "He thinks he hears someone laugh as he pukes up yesterday's sole". I mean, I don't really get what you mean by the word 'sole'- the only thing I can think of is a shoe's sole, and that doesn't seem to make any sense for me. Sorry.


1/23/2011 c1 6ranDUMM

To be completely honest, I didn't really understand what was going on - but this is one hundred percent to do with my lack of knowledge in this area, rather than your depiction of it :P So I'm afraid that I can't really comment on the plot part; instead I'll comment more on the writing part.

Everytime I read a piece by you, I'm stunned by the level of your writing. It isn't me just complimenting you, I swear. It is seriously being so amazed by how well you write that I almost start crying about how good it is (okay I've never actually cried about that, but you get my drift). You just have a way of using words that are normal, and structure them in a way that sounds totally unique and different to everything I've ever read.

I've also noticed that you have an awesome way of combining prose and poetry. I noticed that before starting to read this, and thought that it might have been a little abrupt that it was structured that way. But it was seriously so good! I could write poetry and I could write prose. But I couldn't write prosepoetry. It's something I've only seen you attempt, and I'm not sure anyone else could pull it off.

I was a little confused about the 'dream within a dream' thing. It was a clever idea, really clever, but I didn't really understand how it worked specifically in this particular scenario. Maybe if I just concentrated a little more I'd figure out what it was, but from this point, I'm a little confused. Adding to that, I should probably also go and google up Nyx and Erebus, just to understand the myth (?) a little better. :P

Plotwise without thinking about the characters, I really liked it! I thought it was unique, and extremely well thought out. I particularly liked this: "He nestles into its bosom and ... adorns his blanket with clovers. For luck. Just in case." I'm not sure what the bosom belongs to exactly (I'm guessing at a cave in a mountain perhaps?), but I loved the imagery of it. Spectacular work, especially the 'blanket of leaves'.

I also liked the merging of the modern and the old. You're talking about TVs and undergrounds and stuff, but the main part of the piece is the myth with Erebus and Nyx, which is definitely not modern. Also, the aspects of the piece, such as the 'bosom' and the 'blanket of leaves' are not that modern. I loved that, thought it was really well done :)

Overall, apart from my confusion about the plot, I really liked this piece! Not sure if the voting period for the WCC is over or not, but good luck in it anyway! :)


P.S - I seem to be saying this to you a lot, but I'm sorry about the delay in getting these reviews to you; I haven't had internet in a month.

P.P.S - I didn't like this review very much. It felt too much like I was just analysing the piece rather than reviewing it, so incredibly sorry about that too. :P
1/19/2011 c1 Canaletto
This is a bit of weird one. Lot of mythology references here, though most of them went completely over my head. Seems to get very existentialish after the first few lines, and then doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me after that. There were a few lines ignoring the conventional rules of grammar, but I assume that was intentional. The dream-like feel of the story works very well with the dream-like presentation of the piece, and that that’s about as much as I feel I can talk about confidently.

1/17/2011 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Thanks for participating in the December Review Marathon! Here's your prize review:

Wow, I'm really not sure what to think of this. I'm a huge mythology buff, but I actually tend to avoid Greco-Roman myths, so I feel like I'm missing vast amount of backstory to this. Anyway, my possible interpretations are:

-One of them is reflecting on the others' death (though I'm not quite sure which would be which)

-One of them, or maybe both, being corrupted and "lost to the darkness," so to speak.

-Something about actual crime (I only thought this toward the end with the line "Thinks he hears something on the TV about the underground").

Whatever it is, while I'm slightly frustrated that I don't entirely understand your allusions, I'm thoroughly impressed by the maze you've managed to craft here. I can barely follow while reading this; I can't imagine not only envisioning, but also following through and writing, something this intricate.

Speaking of which, brilliant use of the prompt. I couldn't think of anything when I first looked at at, but you really drew everything you could from it. The maze-like designs, the shadowy/wispy style, the apparent innocence, and the obvious of the cat with the portrayal of Nyx.

Just a couple quick notes on specific lines:

[Only four minutes, oh. Wait.] The punctuation of this was odd. I felt like it should have been "...minutes. Oh, wait."

[because he's lost in someone else's thoughts and she's worried he'll forget her.] Definitely my favorite one.
1/13/2011 c1 1StoryMonster
This reminds me of Remembering Sunday, by All Time Low, especially the first line.

Over all, I liked it! It was interesting and intense.

Very good usage of vocabulary, too.

So great job!

I also seemed to notice you posted this on 1-1-11


1/10/2011 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
"...because Nyx swirls around him, undresses him with her eyes and he lets her."

-Loved this.

There were some really great images here and the writing was solid but I wasn't sure what was going on. I could tell something was happening but I couldn't follow it. Still, it was a cool read. I really liked the ending; the last sentence was sweet. :) Good luck in WCC!
1/10/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Even though most of this was pretty confusing to me, I liked that - it matched the piece and the idea of Erebus, it's not really clear exactly what's going on but your writing style really draws you forward, it flows perfectly and feels almost like a song you like but can't make out the lyrics to. Some really strong imagery here; glancing through it again, I get the impression that one of them is dead - most likely her? Sort of, that he imagines she's alive and he's dead when in reality it's the other way around...but maybe that's just me. As always, a great piece.
1/9/2011 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
I love how you played with the dream idea here, reflecting it in word choice and style. For example, you use sentence fragments to show the disjointed, paranormal sensation of dreams, and you use words like "soul" and "spirit" and "ghost" to add to the real-but-not-real feeling.

Cool use of sensations here. It made for an original piece and fun ride.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
1/9/2011 c1 6notveryalice
1. I can't follow this at all. Your language is smooth and flowing, and there's so much meaning here, but I can't get to it. There's no straight path for me to follow.

Alas, this dampens my enjoyment of the piece severely. I have no idea what's going on. My considered guess is that he's a homeless man whose mind is spinning gently unhinged, who lost someone in a bomb attack on a tube station.

I love atmosphere, but when atmosphere is so heavy it overwhelms reality, I like to have some sort of thread to cling to.

2. "He catches her grin; decays under it and he ages."

Either take the semicolon out or add another "he" before "decays". "[D]ecays under it and he ages" is a fragment.

3. "Soul coughing, his lungs feel like shards of glass."

You're either switching subjects or writing a bottom-heavy sentence, the former of which is an error and the latter awkward. If HE is soul coughing, then it should be, "He's soul coughing; his lungs [...]". If it's his lungs that are soul coughing, then it should be, "His lungs are soul coughing; they feel like [...]," or "His lungs, soul coughing, feel like shards of glass."

4. "Gotta be first in line; first in the underground." - "Gotta be first in line, first in the underground."

Semicolons give no quarter. Commas are pretty flexible, but colons and semicolons are pretty rigid in their meanings, especially when a comma will do.

5. "Sprawled out on the pavement, no one bothers to avoid trampling them."

You're switching subjects here. The subject of the sentence is "no one", which operates the main verb "avoid trampling" (English has funny compound verbs).

The problem is that the way you have the sentence worded, the dependent clause "sprawled out on the pavement" is linked to the subject "no one". So the sentence reads like this: "Everyone is sprawled out on the pavement so no one bothers to avoid trampling [some unspecified] them."

I think what you mean is, "They're sprawled out on the pavement and/so no one bothers to avoid trampling them." Re-word it as you will, but it can't stand as written.

6. I think I understand why you want to repeat the word dream and tangle everything up at the end but I ended up crosseyed. It was too much for me. I was doing OK up until then and I just switched off when I got to that paragraph.

7. I appreciate the circularity of the piece very much. Nicely done.

Overall, you're very lyrical in this piece. It was prose/poetry. I did get lost, and quite quickly, but apart from that it was a delight to read.
1/9/2011 c1 4lookingwest
Well of course to celebrate me deciding that I don't want to do anymore review returns today, I'm going to review something I know is going to be excellent and totally worth it, XD.

...pukes up yesterday's sole so he gets up...

-Edit?: I'm a little confused with this one, you've got "sole" here, like sole of a shoe? I was thinking that at first but then you go on later to say "soul" like a soul...so that's why I think this could be an error of just using the wrong sort of soul...but I'm not sure. :D

And, just read that all the way through without stopping. If this doesn't win I will cry myself to sleep at night and eat my hat :/ I love it! So cool. Favorite-ing, now. The whole concept is so cool, I love how you mixed mythology with modern times with the mention of the TV, I definitley got the feeling like I was being swirled around in different times and places even though it seemed to stay in the same narrator, that sort of thing. I loved that. I didn't understand the French, at least I think it's French? But the touch of that was awesome, because I think it does a good job again, displacing the reader and swirling us around so that we're also getting lost in this world and everything. Nyx, that whole beginning part, was spot on solid, and wonderful.

Now hmm, Erebus, that's Chaos right? Something like that? That's so you, XD. I wouldn't trust anyone else to do it right. I love the metaphor there, you really make it come alive. Words like "prowl" and everything also make this slink about and really just...well come alive (I know I just already said that, I'm totally lame today). You've got moments where you lose the reader but it works, I mean, I think that's the point of it either, and I liked that. I loved the concept of calling the travel to the "underground". Especially because I just got a London underground tattoo, hahaha.

As far as working with the prompt, who, man, you did an excellente job with that one. You did wonders! I haven't seen someone work a prompt like that in a very, sehr, very, long time, haha. This piece felt just the right length too, you settled us in and drew us along and yeah, it's just my thing, I like it a lot and you made it your own. Seriously, Liana. Best. of. Luck. This month. I hope this is it man, you deserve it!
1/4/2011 c1 30sophiesix
Ooh dreamy! like, really dreamy! XD

On the one hand, you superbly created a dream-like atmosphere here, on teh other hand, i struggled a bit with letting go of my need for logical flow and solid compass points.

I was with with in teh begining, right up to "and Erebus greets him" My intial reaction was that Erebus was a pseudonym for his John Thomas, and he was just happy to see her, but then it had a bosom. my second thought, teh mountain, also didn't have much of a bosom. Is it another person then? It bugs me because i feel it might be important.

"She was asleep when he passed." I thought he died here, lol. just saying.

The park: ah, so this is where Erebus is? I like teh idea of her going to get him, but i'm not too sure how he got there.

Initally i was wandering if your references to teh Underground were about the london bombings, but it seems people are runing to rather than away from it, so that can't be right. Why are they running to it? Partly i like the sense of horror of not knowing why people are runing for their lives and fighting though. Dreams are like that, and it doesn't concern you so much at teh time.

"That she's a lovely dream to be in." this is my favouritest, favouritest line OMG.

So: it has some aewsome imagery and circular plot/imaeg stuff happening there, but to enjoy it more i think i'd like it to be clearer the first instance that he realises he's dreaming, and or teh last instance. like that last few lines, maybe they could have a contrasting, more awake/vivd tone? or is it this way on purpose, to make us wonder if its all still a dream.. lol... you've got me there, Liana! The more i think about it the more i like it. its just hard to pin down, lol!
1/4/2011 c1 9Narq
Love these poetry/prose (ish) things!

They fill and empty like gas tanks and this one's burning up.

- wow, really shows the dying and desparate feel!

He wakes and realizes he had dreamed her. Dreamed of her awake and sleeping. Fell asleep within her dream and dreamed of her again. Awoke and dreamed he had left her in Erebus. Dreamed she awoke to realize she was only dreaming of him waking. Dreamed her wondering if he was a dream. Dreamed of her being only a dream

- woah! confusing! but good~ ;P

Sorry, nothign much to say.


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