for Being Hunted Truly Sucks10/8/2012 c1 
5mirandakane
This was good so far. Wonder what those things were that attacked her parents.
5mirandakaneThis was good so far. Wonder what those things were that attacked her parents.
8/29/2011 c10 6Courage of Billy Batson
DRAMATICNESS!
So yeah, I really like the story… even though Lottie is so obviously eval.
6Courage of Billy BatsonDRAMATICNESS!
So yeah, I really like the story… even though Lottie is so obviously eval.
8/29/2011 c7 Courage of Billy Batson
Ok, 2 random things: (after this I'm gonna stop reviewing)
Firstly: wow, honestly if u hadnt done the whole sarcastic thing with Lottie, I would never have guessed she's eval. And I know she's eval cuz I'm an effing genius.
Secondly: lunchtime, uh, Friday
ITS FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY xD
Ok, 2 random things: (after this I'm gonna stop reviewing)
Firstly: wow, honestly if u hadnt done the whole sarcastic thing with Lottie, I would never have guessed she's eval. And I know she's eval cuz I'm an effing genius.
Secondly: lunchtime, uh, Friday
ITS FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY xD
8/29/2011 c6 Courage of Billy Batson
Ok, I HAD to review this just cuz I wanted to say one more incredibly pointless and random thing.
When that shadow folk dude thing came I was sure she would get all gangsta on him and lime TOTALLY kill him… I'm sorry it's just imaging that sorta makes me laugh.
A lot.
Yeah, I'm weird.
Ok, I HAD to review this just cuz I wanted to say one more incredibly pointless and random thing.
When that shadow folk dude thing came I was sure she would get all gangsta on him and lime TOTALLY kill him… I'm sorry it's just imaging that sorta makes me laugh.
A lot.
Yeah, I'm weird.
8/29/2011 c2 Courage of Billy Batson
Wow, I feel like a review whore.
Ok, I SWEAR I won't review EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER. all I'm gonna say is that if u want to kill someone, don't use a knife! That's just stupid!
Use a slinky.
Wow, I feel like a review whore.
Ok, I SWEAR I won't review EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER. all I'm gonna say is that if u want to kill someone, don't use a knife! That's just stupid!
Use a slinky.
8/29/2011 c1 Courage of Billy Batson
Ok, I'm not sure why I didn't read this before…
Lol it must be like 3 in the morning in Britain… it would suck if somehow getting an email could wake u up, cuz then ud b all like ugh this better b important and then y realized it was just me… this is getting long and pointless
So what I've been TRYING to say is that the dude who killed her parents reminded me of the killer from Prom Night… that was stupid.
Ok, I'm not sure why I didn't read this before…
Lol it must be like 3 in the morning in Britain… it would suck if somehow getting an email could wake u up, cuz then ud b all like ugh this better b important and then y realized it was just me… this is getting long and pointless
So what I've been TRYING to say is that the dude who killed her parents reminded me of the killer from Prom Night… that was stupid.
5/29/2011 c10 Nijello
Lol. Hurts like a bitch. Cool! I can't wait to read your new story was well! KYA! Keep on writing P.S. thnx for the help!
Lol. Hurts like a bitch. Cool! I can't wait to read your new story was well! KYA! Keep on writing P.S. thnx for the help!
5/28/2011 c10 PersnickitySnit
this story has potential, even though it's a bit contrived. try making sure your grammar and punctuation are in order. i see quite a few mistakes, which usually don't matter, but they make reading the story a little distracting. the title, for example, needs to be capitalized. just a few ideas.
this story has potential, even though it's a bit contrived. try making sure your grammar and punctuation are in order. i see quite a few mistakes, which usually don't matter, but they make reading the story a little distracting. the title, for example, needs to be capitalized. just a few ideas.
5/28/2011 c10 2miaaa
haha, that was good, although I have to say that I prefer the death zone hehe, but they're both really good, if you find the death zone easier to write, you could always put this on hiatus and then finish the death zone and come back to this or something? but it's up to you!
2miaaahaha, that was good, although I have to say that I prefer the death zone hehe, but they're both really good, if you find the death zone easier to write, you could always put this on hiatus and then finish the death zone and come back to this or something? but it's up to you!
5/22/2011 c9 Nijello
Hmm... you know, I don't trust Abi. She seemed... too determined to keep Lottie out and this to herself, and all too eager to blame Nick. I mean, and then she really, really doesn't want her to leave, does she... huh...
Hmm... you know, I don't trust Abi. She seemed... too determined to keep Lottie out and this to herself, and all too eager to blame Nick. I mean, and then she really, really doesn't want her to leave, does she... huh...
5/21/2011 c1 KVARIANT
Wow. :O That story was so good; it made me shiver. A creative criticism would be: Editing, if you don't already :)
Wow. :O That story was so good; it made me shiver. A creative criticism would be: Editing, if you don't already :)
3/1/2011 c1 5Alias Blue
Hiya.
First of all, I like how you started with the onomatopoeia - a good hook.
The main critique I have is that you are quite abrupt in your description, like "I was shocked". Instead of telling the reader what she is feeling, I think it would be better to describe some of her sensations, perhaps physically. It's working if you can tell she is shocked through the description, without having to state it like that.
That said, your concise way of writing is also a plus. I like how you swiftly move through the action. The pace is fast and there isn't much slowing it down. I like it. You jump straight into the plot, action and don't stifle it with long explanations. It's an exciting beginning and seems like the rest of the plot's going to be good too.
Some of your description is really good, and I can visualise what's happening, like here: "I screamed and black dots swirled in front of my vision, the pain was white hot and I gripped my wrist with my other hand. I heard the shuffling of feet and then a weird kind of squish."
But sometimes the voice of the narrator is a little confusing. Her little remarks like (I realise now that stealth would have been a lot more effective, but hey, I was angry and I'd never done this before) seem misplaced considering the situation. I think you need to figure out what her emotions are and work on conveying them more clearly.
This is certainly an action packed chapter, and it really sets the action going. It's a great beginning, and the weird man, and massacre and running away all build up to create a pretty awesome start. It sort of has a quite mysterious, surreal mood to me, and I like that. I enjoyed reading it, and the ending definitely makes me want to read more.
- Alias Blue
5Alias BlueHiya.
First of all, I like how you started with the onomatopoeia - a good hook.
The main critique I have is that you are quite abrupt in your description, like "I was shocked". Instead of telling the reader what she is feeling, I think it would be better to describe some of her sensations, perhaps physically. It's working if you can tell she is shocked through the description, without having to state it like that.
That said, your concise way of writing is also a plus. I like how you swiftly move through the action. The pace is fast and there isn't much slowing it down. I like it. You jump straight into the plot, action and don't stifle it with long explanations. It's an exciting beginning and seems like the rest of the plot's going to be good too.
Some of your description is really good, and I can visualise what's happening, like here: "I screamed and black dots swirled in front of my vision, the pain was white hot and I gripped my wrist with my other hand. I heard the shuffling of feet and then a weird kind of squish."
But sometimes the voice of the narrator is a little confusing. Her little remarks like (I realise now that stealth would have been a lot more effective, but hey, I was angry and I'd never done this before) seem misplaced considering the situation. I think you need to figure out what her emotions are and work on conveying them more clearly.
This is certainly an action packed chapter, and it really sets the action going. It's a great beginning, and the weird man, and massacre and running away all build up to create a pretty awesome start. It sort of has a quite mysterious, surreal mood to me, and I like that. I enjoyed reading it, and the ending definitely makes me want to read more.
- Alias Blue