for The Lucky One1/17/2011 c2 SecretAgent99
This chapter was intense, I liked it. Though I've never had any experience with events like this, I thought it was pretty realistic. I think this would be a good story to continue. You just have to advertise it on the forums and communities to get more readers. :) Keep up the good work!
This chapter was intense, I liked it. Though I've never had any experience with events like this, I thought it was pretty realistic. I think this would be a good story to continue. You just have to advertise it on the forums and communities to get more readers. :) Keep up the good work!
1/17/2011 c1 SecretAgent99
This first chapter is a good opener in my opinion. It gives you just enough information so you have a rough idea of who the character is, but it's not all thrown out there so you know everything within the first couple of paragraphs. I can see that this story will talk about the struggles of someone in the military trying to readjust to civilian life. It's not one of the stories I normally care for, but there is a group of readers who will like this. :)
This first chapter is a good opener in my opinion. It gives you just enough information so you have a rough idea of who the character is, but it's not all thrown out there so you know everything within the first couple of paragraphs. I can see that this story will talk about the struggles of someone in the military trying to readjust to civilian life. It's not one of the stories I normally care for, but there is a group of readers who will like this. :)
1/4/2011 c2 
1Jess Megan
You should spell out Sergeant and Private.
“We'd been doing this for so long, that it just seemed like we were all naturally friends before we had been thrown together in this sandy, desolate location.”
Should be something like:
“We’d been doing this for so long that it seemed like we were all friends before we had been thrown together in this sandy and desolate location.”
“She was the quiet one in the group of female soldiers in our temporary hell hole away from home.”
Would be more clear if you wrote:
“She was the quiet one in our group of soldiers in this temporary hell hole away from home.” –We already know they are females.
“Recently recruited and hastily married pretty much summed her up.” – I like this line.
Watch your use of commas; sometimes you don’t use them correctly.
“Every night someone different would pose a question for our topic of our nightly chat.” – “nightly chat” is being repetitive. We already know this is a nightly thing.
Keep in the present tense unless you are talking about the past. You switch a lot.
You should probably revise. Watch out for using the same wording/phrases too much and look out for other grammatical errors.
I like that this is a war time setting and it seems pretty realistic even though I’ve never experienced it.
Keep writing.
Megan.
1Jess MeganYou should spell out Sergeant and Private.
“We'd been doing this for so long, that it just seemed like we were all naturally friends before we had been thrown together in this sandy, desolate location.”
Should be something like:
“We’d been doing this for so long that it seemed like we were all friends before we had been thrown together in this sandy and desolate location.”
“She was the quiet one in the group of female soldiers in our temporary hell hole away from home.”
Would be more clear if you wrote:
“She was the quiet one in our group of soldiers in this temporary hell hole away from home.” –We already know they are females.
“Recently recruited and hastily married pretty much summed her up.” – I like this line.
Watch your use of commas; sometimes you don’t use them correctly.
“Every night someone different would pose a question for our topic of our nightly chat.” – “nightly chat” is being repetitive. We already know this is a nightly thing.
Keep in the present tense unless you are talking about the past. You switch a lot.
You should probably revise. Watch out for using the same wording/phrases too much and look out for other grammatical errors.
I like that this is a war time setting and it seems pretty realistic even though I’ve never experienced it.
Keep writing.
Megan.
1/4/2011 c1 Jess Megan
Hello, even though this chapter is short it is powerful. I like your language and I think you understand your character’s emotion. However, I noticed a few things that could be changed.
“As the smoke dances around my face, I grimace as I float back to the fact that I have no reason to go into my home, there's no one there, no sound of laughter, no sound of tears, nothing.”
This sentence could be cut into several and probably be more effective. It is also too repetitive with the “as the smoke, as I float back” so close together. Maybe try something like:
“The smoke dances around my face; I grimace as I float back to the fact that there is no reason to go into my home. There is no sound of laughter, no sound of tears, nothing. There isn’t anyone there.”
“I think they make up names for the problems that I came back with trying to make me feel as if I'm not crazy.”
Should be:
“I think they make up names for the problems that I came back with, trying to make me feel as if I’m not crazy.”
I hope I was of some help. I’d greatly appreciate if you returned the review.
Thanks,
Megan
Hello, even though this chapter is short it is powerful. I like your language and I think you understand your character’s emotion. However, I noticed a few things that could be changed.
“As the smoke dances around my face, I grimace as I float back to the fact that I have no reason to go into my home, there's no one there, no sound of laughter, no sound of tears, nothing.”
This sentence could be cut into several and probably be more effective. It is also too repetitive with the “as the smoke, as I float back” so close together. Maybe try something like:
“The smoke dances around my face; I grimace as I float back to the fact that there is no reason to go into my home. There is no sound of laughter, no sound of tears, nothing. There isn’t anyone there.”
“I think they make up names for the problems that I came back with trying to make me feel as if I'm not crazy.”
Should be:
“I think they make up names for the problems that I came back with, trying to make me feel as if I’m not crazy.”
I hope I was of some help. I’d greatly appreciate if you returned the review.
Thanks,
Megan