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for The Seeker

9/19/2011 c3 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
*reviewing as I read*

Your prose is very stark, which serves to convey the starkness of the entire situation - also there's a touch of the surreal to it, which is pulled off terrifically.

The tension is quite palpable in this chapter and I don't really think any good is going to be coming Frances's way any time soon though. Also, I love your characterisation of Frances - this stuff (your story so far) should really be published because it's better than what my words can justify!

~ Daphne
8/28/2011 c14 41819
I really liked the excitement in the story,in the end i wondered what was going to happen to him. I also really liked the dialogue, it seemed really natural.

I didn't like some of the descriptions in the story, like how she had a "lump" that she had gotten rid of over her pants. At first i thought maybe she had been pregnant, or just fat, I don't know. I also am not a huge fan of swearing, but it is rated T so I cannot really complain.

good story though =)
8/22/2011 c13 15disrhythmic
Hi from the RG! :)

Okay, I like the description here, especially the part with Alice in the beginning. It's very vivid, very clear.

"...the sensation seemed to tickle the hips and the inside of the ribcage..."

Different. Unique. It's a nice take on being ghostly. :)

i just wanted to point out a couple typos I noticed-nothing major, but you might want to go in and clean them up. :)

"As the crowds thickened and thin..." 'Thin' should be 'thinned'.

"...anger the lyed behind her eye-shadow." Should be 'that lay'

All in all, I really enjoyed this. Very nice. :)
8/21/2011 c13 4lookingwest
...Julian imagined 15-year old Frances...

-Style: would spell out "fifteen"

I really liked this chapter, actually. The beginning scene with Alice was my favorite. I really liked the imagery you created with her being invisible because I thought you picked interesting locations for her, like a dance club, or the train station. It had a sense of poetic prowess to it that I enjoyed.

I liked the second part start with describing Frances dance because I think you captured the eeriness of watching it really well and I definitely picked up that tone. I thought you did well with Julian's dialogue, too, and even with his dad, because it was believable and I didn't feel like it was forced in any way. This was really good!
8/21/2011 c13 6Ezekiel Finch
Hello from the RG!

I really liked how you described Alice watching people in the night club. It's not just the way you said how the lights move and change which made me interested, it was what you implicated throughout the description. You said that she watched people come and go easily because she's a ghost and that she watched the colors change throughout the club. To me, this comes off as a really subtle commentary of her situation and life as a whole. People enter and leave the club, in the way people are born and die, and the lights change constantly, just as the season change, and Alice sees all of this happen because she transcends death. It's a very subtle commentary and it's absolutely brilliant.

Although, I was a little confused by the second part of the chapter. I was not sure if they were watching her perform in person or if they were watching a video; but after a second read through I realized that they were watching a recording of her dance. If you give a slight nod to the setting in the beginning of that second part, such as Julian or Emma adjusting the volume on the TV, then you could clear up the confusion quite easily.

I did notice a typo which can be fixed.

"Some of them were about Frances, but most of them consisted of Blake pushing his pistel against Julian's back..."

Ezekiel Finch
7/20/2011 c12 5Dr. Self Destruct
Hmmm, interesting. If I remember correctly, Frances' situation from the past chapter made it seem as if she was going to be hit by a car, but apparently that's not the case. I'm wondering how she ended up where she is. Did someone hurt her and run? Or was she merely hallucinating the entire thing? Considering her emotional instability, I suppose either one of those things could be possible. I really liked the opening paragraph - I thought it was an eloquent way to reiterate the past few chapters.

But now that I think about it, and considering how she's yelling at people and they don't see her... I wonder if she's having an out of body experience. That would sure explain everything. Oh, now I'm eager to learn the truth. :X

Haha. I like how Julian gets all flustered when he's talking to Emma about what Frances did the night after the dance. It's always cute to see a guy that's embarrassed about that type of thing - it shows a unique trait that not many males have. And again, I think you do a good job of showing the awkward relationship between Julian and his father, especially with the conversation Julian hears through his door when his dad is on the phone. It helps the reader relate to (or better understand) the difficulty some kids have when dealing with their parents.

I noticed a couple typos:

["...I just don't know what to any more. When he thinks I'm not watching him, he acts like a zombie..."]

Edit: Missing a 'do' between 'to' and 'any'.

[Quickly, he closed the laptop screen and took a deep breathe.]

Edit: Breathe should be breath.
7/18/2011 c12 2Hikari897
This story flowed very nicely, particularly the last few chapters. It was easy to keep up with, and the sentences fit very well together, it seemed much more real, less forcefully and difficultly typed. Pronouns use was slightly redundant, such as the word "she" or "him" used repeatedly in the same few sentences. This is very high-quality work, and there were minimal typos.
7/17/2011 c12 24Serenity Takaishi
"trying to tune their radio's to the same frequency" I really loved that line. It was very...unique :]

I also LOVED the description and diction, had a good flow, and i love the pictures it drew in my head.

I didn't like the characters so much, or their talking, anyways. It didn't click for me.

Of course, I started at chapter 12, and i'm slightly confused, HAH. What I read made me want to read more :]

Review Game.
7/9/2011 c11 5Dr. Self Destruct
Oooh, you create some nice suspense here in the beginning. I like how she's running, trying to escape, and then you end the section with the blaring horn and screeching tires of a car. I can picture her shocked expression caught in the headlights perfectly in my mind - so I guess that's why her mother was looking for her. A very nice little cliff-hanger in the beginning of the chapter.

I do agree that Julian's breakdown here at the end is a bit sudden. I'm not exactly sure what he's crying about. I think if you divulge a bit more into his feelings and what's troubling him it'll make the reader more capable of relating to him. I did enjoy the presentation of his father, though. I think you did a good job in showing their relationship, and it indeed sounds like Julian is trying to impress him with little success. It's a shame his father is so distant - regardless if they have much in common, a father should always try to relate with his son. But I'm glad that isn't the case here - it builds some tension between them.

I have a few minor suggestions:

[So she streaked across the lawn, flying past kids passed out on the lawn,]

Style: I'd suggest replacing one of the 'lawns' with maybe 'grass' or 'yard' to refrain from repeating the same noun in the same sentence. Also, I've noticed you use the word 'streak' quite often to describe her movement. There are many synonyms you could possibly use in the future, like dashing, jogging, sprinting, running. Just a suggestion. :)

[She couldn't remember which way to auditorium parking lot,]

Edit: Missing a 'the' between 'to' and 'auditorium'.

[and how she'd felt his skin and bones brushing the tips of her fingers and how his brown eyes reminded her of mountain wildfires-not because they were beautiful, but because of their warmth.]

Style: Hmm. I appreciate what you're trying to do here with the imagery of his 'skin and bones', but bones doesn't sound too... what's the word... I don't know, I guess 'pretty'. It kinda paints an awkward picture. I sure wouldn't want to be touching someone's bones while kissing. Skin, flesh, lips, hair, clothes... but not their bones. I hope that makes sense. ^-^;

[It was hard to believe about what Casey said about her being gone.]

Style: I suggest removing the first 'about'.

I'm very intrigued to see what happened to Frances. Good job in creating suspense there in the beginning of the chapter.
7/9/2011 c10 Dr. Self Destruct
[Although Julian expected scars and blisters, where her finger had traced, his arm remained as smooth and as bare as the walls themselves.]

I thought this was a very powerful sentence. The fact that he expects blisters where she touched him shows me how much of an impact she has on his mind. Permanent. Painful. Burning. They're all feelings that show an amazing amount of emotion all bundled into one single statement.

Ah, Frances' mom does indeed seem like the typical woman who would try to exploit her daughter's skill for her own self gain. She screams of narcissism in the way she's described. I find it funny how concerned she is for Frances considering the way she treats her, but then again those mannerisms show how much of a trophy her daughter is to her, and nothing more. But maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, I've only seen her when she's acting her worse - I can only hope there is some underlining redeeming factors in how she treats Frances to make her somewhat of a respectable mother.

I did think this chapter ended rather abruptly. Is Frances missing? Why is her mother looking for her? They're good questions to give the reader an incentive to continue, but I felt it would have been nice to be given a hint on what exactly is going to happen next. Or maybe elaborate a bit on Julian's conversation with Frances' mother - it would always be nice to see Julian confront her on her daughter's treatment, but perhaps confrontation is against his character. Just a thought, though.

I did have one minor suggestion:

[He just never wanted the word to get out is all? For his and Alice's sake."]

Edit: I'm not sure if you intended this sentence to be read as Julian asking a question. It seems to me to be more of a statement, but I suppose I could be reading it wrong. Anyway, I'd replace the question mark with a period.
7/9/2011 c9 Dr. Self Destruct
I like the image in the very beginning when Frances is running and her feathers fall from her back - it makes me think of a fallen angel. I think you do a good job in making the reader feel sorry for her situation, especially considering her performance should have been something she found pride in. But considering the way her mother handled her afterward, I think I can understand why she runs off and cries. I'm glad to see she has someone that cares enough about her to follow behind picking up the pieces.

Ah, so it seems that Julian and Frances had a relationship in the past (or are still together). I enjoyed the descriptions you used during their passionate kiss, especially with the comparison to fire. I did think the pace through the second half of the chapter went a bit too fast, however. I'd have loved to see more of what Julian was thinking while Frances was undressing him - he kinda just stands there like a limp fish. I'd expect a guy to have more of a reaction when a girl is pulling his pants down, other than thinking he shouldn't be doing what he's doing. Perhaps add in a bit of lustful thinking - after all, we all have our naughty thoughts. ^.~

Heh. I like how Frances leaves him there at the end, abruptly. I can only imagine what thoughts are running through Julian's head, the poor. She sure knows how to tug him in different directions, huh?
7/9/2011 c8 Dr. Self Destruct
I like the image you paint of Frances in the beginning during her performance. I can really feel her desperation through the way you describe her like a rag doll, as well as all her bruises and the dark circles under her eyes. Having not read the previous chapters I am finding myself wondering what could have happened to her. I also enjoyed the way you mentioned the room feeling "larger and colder", it really enforces a forlorn sensation of loneliness or vulnerability.

The imagery you create while Frances is dancing is very beautiful. Your use of metaphors and drawing attention to the elegant ways she moves are lovely. I like how she starts her performance strong, than slowly her wariness begins to catch up to her, and her legs begin to 'short-circuit'. I think the comparison to a machine truly shows how desperate she becomes during the dance - like all the humanity is being sucked right out of her.

The entrance of Frances' mother really sheds some light on her situation. I think I have a feeling I know why Frances collapses on stage - I'm sure some of her injuries have to pertain to her mother. It's truly quite horrible how she treats her, and it's a scene that tugged at my heart.

I have a few nit-picky suggestions:

[It was that night that everything seemed to slip into place]

Style: I would suggest taking out a few words from this sentence to make it flow a bit better. Perhaps like this:

"It was the night everything slipped into place..."

["She answered with one word," She continued, "Revenge."]

Style: I suggest taking out the 'she continued'. It's normally best to only attribute once during a line of dialogue in order to keep it flowing. Honestly, half the time the average reader doesn't read the speaker tag anyway; their eyes skip over it especially if they already know who is talking. I would suggest writing it like this:

"She answered with one word: revenge."

I think revenge might need to be capitalized in my example... I'm not sure. ^-^;

[There eyes fixated on Frances.]

Edit: There should be their.

Overall, good job. I enjoyed this. :)
7/6/2011 c7 Low LIfe 001
-From the RG-

I really liked Casey's sense of guilt for something that he understands cannot be changed and for his handling of Frances. Both are in emotional hardship and he is letting her down easy, but I'm sure she doesn't see it that way. The anguish coming from her comes through very clearly.

What I didn't like is the elipses. They should be properly spaced as "Yes you can (space) ... (space) you did (space) ... (space)"

Another thing is commas. There are a few places that I found where a comma is necessary to blend the parts of a statement such as:

"Yes you can ... you did ..."

Should be "Yes, you can ... you did ..."

Other than those things, this was a very well-written chapter and the characters are distinct and emotionally clear.
7/4/2011 c11 1Charmedmiss
Popping in from the RG!

I truly liked how you shaped the relationship between Julian and his father. There were a few subtle differences between his thoughts and words that made it well written, compared to him straight out saying that he doesn't get along with his father. The pacing seemed fine to me, enough information to keep the reader intrigued!

From the review below me, I agree that there are some capitalization problems especially with Northwestern that may seem nit-picky but will only make your story better! Also instead of using the '/' , there should be a feature that creates a line across the page that could help break up the time span/ perspectives better. Good luck with the rest of your story!
7/4/2011 c11 29YasuRan
I think you did quite well with the characterization in this chapter. Julian's relationship with his father is strained and you've done a good job of showing it through introspection, notably the reference to his mother's favorite flower. Frances is also a strong, haunting presence. The insight on her troubled psyche is short and sharp with some vivid bursts of emotion weaved in, very nice.

While the spelling and grammar is an improvement from the previous update, some of the proper nouns have gone uncapitalized, eg: Nickelback, Northwestern, etc. On the whole though, this was one of the better updates thanks to the emphasis on character development. Well done on that account.
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