for Venom7/8/2016 c1 fanofthisfiction
I didn't know if your ffnet account was working so I tried your Profile page and saw a link to this site. To my surprise, you had more stories posted! Nothing recent, but wonderfully original, so I decided to give this a try.
This story started out on an everyday note but was nothing of the sort in the end. The meandering way the story was told gave nothing away and I'm glad bits and pieces were disclosed so only collectively did they all make sense in the end.
One typo noted if you were interested: 'practiced'
Thanks as always for your feedback. It means more than you know. I hope you're continuing to write. You do a great job on your stories.
I didn't know if your ffnet account was working so I tried your Profile page and saw a link to this site. To my surprise, you had more stories posted! Nothing recent, but wonderfully original, so I decided to give this a try.
This story started out on an everyday note but was nothing of the sort in the end. The meandering way the story was told gave nothing away and I'm glad bits and pieces were disclosed so only collectively did they all make sense in the end.
One typo noted if you were interested: 'practiced'
Thanks as always for your feedback. It means more than you know. I hope you're continuing to write. You do a great job on your stories.
10/24/2011 c1 
16Dragon made me do it
Once again I like the way you express philosophical concepts through your characters. The character who understand everyone and the character who cannot be understood is like the irresistible force versus the immovable object. I can also think of some real life couples that are a bit like this.
I have to say, if I could have any special ability, it wouldn't be to make really cool burps. I am more jealous of the boy who can stand and walk around on his hands forever, because I can't even last very long on my feet.
'the bird that is my mood, you know, the one that turned to stone, suddenly wants to dig its way through my stomach to hide there' - I was fascinated by this concept.
I was a bit confused about why you classify this as Romance.
I like the way that, towards the ending, it takes the main character to their absolute breaking point before they can bond with venom. Is this some comments on the nature of society? Interesting.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation:
'The home for children is the only word I now' - change now to know.
'I've never heard of anyone called being called Venom'- take out the first called.
'but I still haven't been practising very hard on this thing'- replace on with that
'He's got a permission from the grown-ups' - take out 'a'
16Dragon made me do itOnce again I like the way you express philosophical concepts through your characters. The character who understand everyone and the character who cannot be understood is like the irresistible force versus the immovable object. I can also think of some real life couples that are a bit like this.
I have to say, if I could have any special ability, it wouldn't be to make really cool burps. I am more jealous of the boy who can stand and walk around on his hands forever, because I can't even last very long on my feet.
'the bird that is my mood, you know, the one that turned to stone, suddenly wants to dig its way through my stomach to hide there' - I was fascinated by this concept.
I was a bit confused about why you classify this as Romance.
I like the way that, towards the ending, it takes the main character to their absolute breaking point before they can bond with venom. Is this some comments on the nature of society? Interesting.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation:
'The home for children is the only word I now' - change now to know.
'I've never heard of anyone called being called Venom'- take out the first called.
'but I still haven't been practising very hard on this thing'- replace on with that
'He's got a permission from the grown-ups' - take out 'a'
4/16/2011 c1 30sophiesix
Love the narrative voice here, its just about perfect!
“Most of us have some kind of special ability, I think. Patty can make really cool burps” Love that line. It really plants us right in the narrators mind set showing us both his age and perspective on the world, and in a way that makes like him too.
“sometimes they'd really deserve a punch in the nose.” Not so sure about this one though: the idea of a guy who’s special power is getting along with everyone thinking its ok to punch people in the nose, even if its gently: a shove, or a punch in the arm might be more his style, I think. On the other hand, it does make the reader potentially see another side to the narrators character: seeing that perhaps he’s not as nice as he says he is. And /or that kids don’t do logic all that well, lol!
Venom was a great character too, and it was really fun to see them interact. I like the pace and tension too, that climax scene was really quite chilling.
I really enjoyed this, and I think it would work well as either a short story or a first chapter :)
30sophiesixLove the narrative voice here, its just about perfect!
“Most of us have some kind of special ability, I think. Patty can make really cool burps” Love that line. It really plants us right in the narrators mind set showing us both his age and perspective on the world, and in a way that makes like him too.
“sometimes they'd really deserve a punch in the nose.” Not so sure about this one though: the idea of a guy who’s special power is getting along with everyone thinking its ok to punch people in the nose, even if its gently: a shove, or a punch in the arm might be more his style, I think. On the other hand, it does make the reader potentially see another side to the narrators character: seeing that perhaps he’s not as nice as he says he is. And /or that kids don’t do logic all that well, lol!
Venom was a great character too, and it was really fun to see them interact. I like the pace and tension too, that climax scene was really quite chilling.
I really enjoyed this, and I think it would work well as either a short story or a first chapter :)
3/1/2011 c1 31HeroofEnelios
A really great piece of writing right here! I really like how you described each character and their actions, especially their emotions. All in all this is really good. Great!
31HeroofEneliosA really great piece of writing right here! I really like how you described each character and their actions, especially their emotions. All in all this is really good. Great!
2/13/2011 c1 Lustful Muse
(This review is in thanks for the review you wrote for my story "Love You Madly")
There's one boy that gives me such grief. He doesn't understand my special ability. - I think these lines are simple yet beautiful.
But I get along with everyone, even if they don't get along with me particularly much. - this part confuses me a bit, I thought getting along with everyone was her special ability?
ju-do - this can written as simply "judo" (you don't really need the dash, it makes it seem as though it's a really foreign sport, which it might be for your characters, but it comes across as strange to your readers).
Okay, so I'm reading about Venom and how judo could probably be his special ability, but now I'm starting to feel confused. I think you need to explain more about the concept of "special ability." Is it supposed to be similar to having a superpower or something? Or is it just a skill or area in which they excel at?
Hmm, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. As you mentioned in your author's note, it's supposed to be a fragment and I think it's possible to develop it into something more. It sort of feels like there should be more to this story, especially concerning the relationship between the narrator and Venom. What's going to happen to them now, I wonder? Overall, I think this was a nice story - nothing too dramatic or suspenseful but that's part of its charm.
(This review is in thanks for the review you wrote for my story "Love You Madly")
There's one boy that gives me such grief. He doesn't understand my special ability. - I think these lines are simple yet beautiful.
But I get along with everyone, even if they don't get along with me particularly much. - this part confuses me a bit, I thought getting along with everyone was her special ability?
ju-do - this can written as simply "judo" (you don't really need the dash, it makes it seem as though it's a really foreign sport, which it might be for your characters, but it comes across as strange to your readers).
Okay, so I'm reading about Venom and how judo could probably be his special ability, but now I'm starting to feel confused. I think you need to explain more about the concept of "special ability." Is it supposed to be similar to having a superpower or something? Or is it just a skill or area in which they excel at?
Hmm, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. As you mentioned in your author's note, it's supposed to be a fragment and I think it's possible to develop it into something more. It sort of feels like there should be more to this story, especially concerning the relationship between the narrator and Venom. What's going to happen to them now, I wonder? Overall, I think this was a nice story - nothing too dramatic or suspenseful but that's part of its charm.
1/18/2011 c1 BlossomingHibiscus
Really good! You should definitely continue!
Really good! You should definitely continue!
1/15/2011 c1 lightXdarkness
Please continue it. It seems interesting. I loved it and want to keep reading.
Please continue it. It seems interesting. I loved it and want to keep reading.