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for HashBrowns & a Side Order of Heart throbbing Curls

1/21/2011 c1 3Desu Bomb
I agree with what Lurker said. Your summary grabs the reader, but the first chapter doesn't really keep hold of them. Your genre is put down as romance/humor, but you seem to be over-doing the humor, which can have the opposite effect of seeming like you're trying too hard. You have some humorous situations - Olive being over-excited about hash browns and almost scaring the cashier, for example - that fall flat because you simply tell us what's happening with a few similes or metaphors thrown in for description. Make a situation funny or embarrassing (or both!) because it sounds like it is, not because you tell the readers it is such a situation and with as many capital letters as possible. Humor can be a difficult genre to tackle, especially in a medium like the written word, where there are no visual or vocal cues to rely on. Instead, you have to script it, then describe it just the right way so your audience is entertained. You can do it, you just have to work at it. Don't give up!

Speaking of description - this one is a big pet peeve of mine, so I'm going to try and not be a total stoichmiester - instead of describing a character, you explain what they look like using references to other fictional characters and pop culture. This is lazy story-telling! As a reader, when I see this in a story, it turns me away, and makes me think the author is not only lazy, but uncreative and unoriginal. You have original characters! Give them original descriptions! When you say Nick has a haircut like Nate Archibald, I think of a blank character having a haircut like a character I'm not familiar with without a quick Google search. It may not seem like a big deal to you, being the author and therefore familiar with the reference, but for your readers, this is a gamble! Why not paint a picture for your readers to chew on? Is Nick's hair curly? Is it straight? Does it fall in jagged bits over his eyes? Is he built? Do his eyes glint when he smiles? Does he have dimples? Are his ears too big? Does he have scars or piercings? Freckles? Your characters are YOURS! You can fill them in to look however you like, so take advantage of that!

Lastly, I would suggest looking over your future chapters with more scrutiny. There are numerous punctuation errors, and a few jarring spelling errors ("rapping" when you meant "raping", "genious" when you meant "genius"). Better yet, get a friend or a beta here on FictionPress in on the act and have them double check for you. Having someone look at your work before you publish it is extremely helpful, since they will normally catch problems you wouldn't or point out contradictions and areas of weak writing. The more objective your editor can be, the better.

All in all, you have a story that I'm sure will grow into something amazing as long as you put your mind to it! Definitely do not give up, because in the end, you will have a finished product that you're proud of and all that work will pay off. I look forward to reading more from you and I wish you lots of luck and success with your writing!
1/20/2011 c1 lurker
Hey, I don't think the story's bad, I actually loved the summary... But I think maybe you could tone the humour down a bit - as in you don't have to try so hard to show it because the good readers should be able pick out subtle changes in tone. Because when I was reading it I was slightly annoyed by the overuse of CAPS and exclamation marks. Hope you will work on that and continue writing! :)

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