for The 'Gift' of Magic8/14/2011 c5 deadgummiegirl
You're really good at describing the settings. That might be my favorite part so far, imagining where Darius is leading Rek. And I don't blame Rek for being mad. I wouldn't want to be led around that crazy place by some strange man either!:)
You're really good at describing the settings. That might be my favorite part so far, imagining where Darius is leading Rek. And I don't blame Rek for being mad. I wouldn't want to be led around that crazy place by some strange man either!:)
8/14/2011 c4 deadgummiegirl
Besides a few errors with grammar this was a good, short chapter. Don't worry about that though no one's perfect!;) As long as the story is good I'm willing to forgive some mistakes!
Besides a few errors with grammar this was a good, short chapter. Don't worry about that though no one's perfect!;) As long as the story is good I'm willing to forgive some mistakes!
8/14/2011 c3 deadgummiegirl
Great chapter. Darius definitely seems like an interesting and fun character. Can't wait to learn more about him. And I really like the setting you're creating. I don't know where or when this takes place but everything about it makes me want to read more.
Great chapter. Darius definitely seems like an interesting and fun character. Can't wait to learn more about him. And I really like the setting you're creating. I don't know where or when this takes place but everything about it makes me want to read more.
8/13/2011 c2 deadgummiegirl
Really liked this chapter. It was fast-paced suspense and it definitely pulled me in. I like stories that get right into the plot and don't really fool around with too much background info for the first two or three chapters. It's more interesting to learn about the characters and situations as you're reading. I also liked how you got a sense of maybe why or how Frage is doing what he is doing.
Really liked this chapter. It was fast-paced suspense and it definitely pulled me in. I like stories that get right into the plot and don't really fool around with too much background info for the first two or three chapters. It's more interesting to learn about the characters and situations as you're reading. I also liked how you got a sense of maybe why or how Frage is doing what he is doing.
8/12/2011 c4 
6Telephonic
This chapter is great. I really like the descriptions of the churning sea of gears and the idea of traveling through it. SCARY! It is complete escape and I love it. There are a few things that need work in the technical areas. I'm not great with spelling/grammar but I did spot a few things that didn't look quite right.
[Rek began to panic, how would they get out with guards crawling up to them?]
I guess I don't trust this sentence because it seems like two sentences conjoined for no reason. [Rek began to panic. How would they get out with guards crawling up to them?] Makes more sense to me. But I'm really not sure whether this is a legitimate mistake or just a difference in style. Google was absolutely no help to me =P so please don't hold it against me if I'm wrong. I'm really not a wiz with the technical areas.
["We've got a few minutes before they further the search up here." Darius muttered as he hefted his bedroll onto his back, a few essentials went into in a small leather sack that he handed to Rek.] should be: ["We've got a few minutes before they further the search up here," Darius muttered as he hefted his bedroll onto his back. A few essientials went into a small leather sack which he handed to Rek.] The period at the end of your first bit of dialogue should be a comma since 'Darius muttered..' is still part of the same sentence. I also broke up this sentence into two. The second part about the essentials handed to Rek really has nothing to do with what Darius mutters.
["Are you kidding?" He ranted.] should be ["Are you kidding?" he ranted.] The dialogue tag (ex: he ranted) should not be capitalized.
Anyways, I hope this was helpful! This chapter really stands out to me in your story, I think its all about that image of being inside a working machine. It is very memorable and one of my favorites in this story.
6TelephonicThis chapter is great. I really like the descriptions of the churning sea of gears and the idea of traveling through it. SCARY! It is complete escape and I love it. There are a few things that need work in the technical areas. I'm not great with spelling/grammar but I did spot a few things that didn't look quite right.
[Rek began to panic, how would they get out with guards crawling up to them?]
I guess I don't trust this sentence because it seems like two sentences conjoined for no reason. [Rek began to panic. How would they get out with guards crawling up to them?] Makes more sense to me. But I'm really not sure whether this is a legitimate mistake or just a difference in style. Google was absolutely no help to me =P so please don't hold it against me if I'm wrong. I'm really not a wiz with the technical areas.
["We've got a few minutes before they further the search up here." Darius muttered as he hefted his bedroll onto his back, a few essentials went into in a small leather sack that he handed to Rek.] should be: ["We've got a few minutes before they further the search up here," Darius muttered as he hefted his bedroll onto his back. A few essientials went into a small leather sack which he handed to Rek.] The period at the end of your first bit of dialogue should be a comma since 'Darius muttered..' is still part of the same sentence. I also broke up this sentence into two. The second part about the essentials handed to Rek really has nothing to do with what Darius mutters.
["Are you kidding?" He ranted.] should be ["Are you kidding?" he ranted.] The dialogue tag (ex: he ranted) should not be capitalized.
Anyways, I hope this was helpful! This chapter really stands out to me in your story, I think its all about that image of being inside a working machine. It is very memorable and one of my favorites in this story.
8/11/2011 c24 yoyoyo7789
WE ARE DEFINENTELY GETTING TENSE! :D WEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :D
As expected, this was a fantabulously engaging chapter, and it was nice to see some more proper actiony suspensy stuffsies. It's a shame that it'll be over soon, but I'm glad to hear that there will be a sequal. I can't wait to read it. ;) I LOVE YOU DANZI! :D
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE MORE REVIEWS? *looks at how little I've reviewed* ...oh...
WE ARE DEFINENTELY GETTING TENSE! :D WEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :D
As expected, this was a fantabulously engaging chapter, and it was nice to see some more proper actiony suspensy stuffsies. It's a shame that it'll be over soon, but I'm glad to hear that there will be a sequal. I can't wait to read it. ;) I LOVE YOU DANZI! :D
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE MORE REVIEWS? *looks at how little I've reviewed* ...oh...
8/10/2011 c25 WereMagi
All I can say is that you missed a talking mark infront of what the terribad order was.
All I can say is that you missed a talking mark infront of what the terribad order was.
8/10/2011 c1 TeddyBearKing1993
ok. while I have not started reading this, I'm sure it's really cool so I'm adding it to favourites for later reference
ok. while I have not started reading this, I'm sure it's really cool so I'm adding it to favourites for later reference
8/10/2011 c15 HeroofEnelios
The concept of Focci's are very interesting and the whole tension between Atia and Darius was really amusing, especially Darius unusually cheerful mood. He's awesome that way. Great job with this chapter
The concept of Focci's are very interesting and the whole tension between Atia and Darius was really amusing, especially Darius unusually cheerful mood. He's awesome that way. Great job with this chapter
8/10/2011 c14 HeroofEnelios
Whoa, when you said baby chapter you weren't kidding. But it was short and sweet. Nice.
Whoa, when you said baby chapter you weren't kidding. But it was short and sweet. Nice.
8/10/2011 c13 HeroofEnelios
It really makes me wonder why Atia just happened to arrive in the area in time to kill that magician whom Darius and Rek were dealing with. Somethings up. I like her though.
It really makes me wonder why Atia just happened to arrive in the area in time to kill that magician whom Darius and Rek were dealing with. Somethings up. I like her though.
8/10/2011 c12 HeroofEnelios
I KNEW it! I knew something was gonna happen in this chapter, or the next. One of the two, but I am surprised that Atia showed up. Wonder why? Hm...
I KNEW it! I knew something was gonna happen in this chapter, or the next. One of the two, but I am surprised that Atia showed up. Wonder why? Hm...
8/10/2011 c11 HeroofEnelios
They had quite a trek on that ship with those guys, but is that the last Darius and Rek will see of them? Curious I am to know. Reading on now.
They had quite a trek on that ship with those guys, but is that the last Darius and Rek will see of them? Curious I am to know. Reading on now.
8/10/2011 c10 HeroofEnelios
Loved the in bold message at the beginning of the chapter, got a good laugh out of it. I'm surprised they weren't in trouble with the Captain, but I guess it's a good thing they aren't. A great chapter.
Loved the in bold message at the beginning of the chapter, got a good laugh out of it. I'm surprised they weren't in trouble with the Captain, but I guess it's a good thing they aren't. A great chapter.