for The 'Gift' of Magic7/10/2011 c21 
28WereMagi
Speculation on possible reasons of Rek actions of insanity have me thinking he was ridding of excess power but released too much?
28WereMagiSpeculation on possible reasons of Rek actions of insanity have me thinking he was ridding of excess power but released too much?
7/9/2011 c21 Whore Bucket
Why, hello there stranger. I'm ever so intrigued by this story, and whilst I haven't got around to reviewing each chapter individually, yet, I do intend to do so in the, possibly distant, future.
My favourite section of this chapter, in particular, was when Darius awoke to find Rek ablaze with energy. That was a powerful piece of imagery. And then some. You handled the scene like a professional.
Do you want some of my milkshake? It brings all the boys to the yard...
You're a fantabulous writer, and you have a shedload of potential. I cannot wait to see how far your writing ability takes you.
PS I want my own focci. Make me one.
PPS Please?
PPPS Scratch that. I want two.
Why, hello there stranger. I'm ever so intrigued by this story, and whilst I haven't got around to reviewing each chapter individually, yet, I do intend to do so in the, possibly distant, future.
My favourite section of this chapter, in particular, was when Darius awoke to find Rek ablaze with energy. That was a powerful piece of imagery. And then some. You handled the scene like a professional.
Do you want some of my milkshake? It brings all the boys to the yard...
You're a fantabulous writer, and you have a shedload of potential. I cannot wait to see how far your writing ability takes you.
PS I want my own focci. Make me one.
PPS Please?
PPPS Scratch that. I want two.
4/21/2011 c15 WereMagi
I WANT A FOCCI! Wait, i need magic first... I WANT A MAD SCIENTIST TO GIVE ME MAGIC VIA CRYSTAL! :P
Nice Chapter.
~WereMagi~
I WANT A FOCCI! Wait, i need magic first... I WANT A MAD SCIENTIST TO GIVE ME MAGIC VIA CRYSTAL! :P
Nice Chapter.
~WereMagi~
3/25/2011 c3 5Dr. Self Destruct
A very good chapter, with a lot of questions answered. I enjoy how your descriptions show us what is happening, instead of telling us. It allows a reader to picture these things and become involved in the story, rather than just sitting back and letting the words smack them in the face. It is very difficult to show instead of tell; I think it's the most basic way to determine if a writer has skill or not.
Darius is indeed an interesting character; I think you've developed him quite nicely in this chapter. He seems kind and compassionate, yet also like there are things about him which still remain in the shadows. He is aged, and apparently has a diverse past, so I am hoping to see more development of him in the future. From the way things are going, I'm assuming he's going to be an integral part of this tale.
The glimpse of a villain at the very end does well in showing the reader that there is indeed an antagonist scheming behind the scenes. I am always one to enjoy a twisted and demented villain... sometimes I sympathize with them a bit more than a normal person should.
I did see a few grammar/punctuation mistakes, but from your previous reviews, they have pretty much all already been pointed out to you.
Great chapter!
5Dr. Self DestructA very good chapter, with a lot of questions answered. I enjoy how your descriptions show us what is happening, instead of telling us. It allows a reader to picture these things and become involved in the story, rather than just sitting back and letting the words smack them in the face. It is very difficult to show instead of tell; I think it's the most basic way to determine if a writer has skill or not.
Darius is indeed an interesting character; I think you've developed him quite nicely in this chapter. He seems kind and compassionate, yet also like there are things about him which still remain in the shadows. He is aged, and apparently has a diverse past, so I am hoping to see more development of him in the future. From the way things are going, I'm assuming he's going to be an integral part of this tale.
The glimpse of a villain at the very end does well in showing the reader that there is indeed an antagonist scheming behind the scenes. I am always one to enjoy a twisted and demented villain... sometimes I sympathize with them a bit more than a normal person should.
I did see a few grammar/punctuation mistakes, but from your previous reviews, they have pretty much all already been pointed out to you.
Great chapter!
3/25/2011 c2 Dr. Self Destruct
So it DOES look like there was another reason for those men chasing him after all.
I enjoyed the pace of dialogue in the beginning. Each sentence the man spoke was separated by a small line of text-it kind of makes the reader feel as if their senses are just as impaired as Rek's, considering the blow to the head that he took. I know when waking from sleep I definitely have trouble getting a grip on reality.
Poor guy... he just woke up and already he's knocked back out again.
So it DOES look like there was another reason for those men chasing him after all.
I enjoyed the pace of dialogue in the beginning. Each sentence the man spoke was separated by a small line of text-it kind of makes the reader feel as if their senses are just as impaired as Rek's, considering the blow to the head that he took. I know when waking from sleep I definitely have trouble getting a grip on reality.
Poor guy... he just woke up and already he's knocked back out again.
3/25/2011 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
I just happened to be sifting through the fantasy pages, and the summary of this story interested me.
Let me first say that I'm glad you decided to start off this story with some action. I'm always a sucker for action, and if you ask me, it's the best way to get someone's attention.
I was fond of the descriptions you used for the setting, and there were a few metaphors that I thought were very well thought out, such as:
(("People milled about the haphazard streets with no direction, the leaning houses oppressing and dark like bars on a cage."))
I really enjoyed this sentence. I think it does well in showing the reader the depressing state of the environment with few words. No need to ramble on with elaborate and unnecessary descriptions-it sums things up rather nicely.
It's always good to leave questions at the end of a chapter. Why were they chasing him? Were they really only concerned about the liver he had stolen, or is there some other ulterior motive? Such things always keeps a person coming back for more and prompts them to read on.
Great job, keep it up!
I just happened to be sifting through the fantasy pages, and the summary of this story interested me.
Let me first say that I'm glad you decided to start off this story with some action. I'm always a sucker for action, and if you ask me, it's the best way to get someone's attention.
I was fond of the descriptions you used for the setting, and there were a few metaphors that I thought were very well thought out, such as:
(("People milled about the haphazard streets with no direction, the leaning houses oppressing and dark like bars on a cage."))
I really enjoyed this sentence. I think it does well in showing the reader the depressing state of the environment with few words. No need to ramble on with elaborate and unnecessary descriptions-it sums things up rather nicely.
It's always good to leave questions at the end of a chapter. Why were they chasing him? Were they really only concerned about the liver he had stolen, or is there some other ulterior motive? Such things always keeps a person coming back for more and prompts them to read on.
Great job, keep it up!
3/12/2011 c2 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
The closest held an array of silver instruments, some recently used.
-How can he tell they were recently used? Describe this.
...a thick course rope...
-'coarse'
Remembering some of the stories of people disappearing, taken by Curies and cut up for their remedies, he strained at his bonds desperately.
-Elaborate on this. It makes references to things I don't yet understand so I can't really grasp the magnitude/effect of these thoughts.
...your no good comatose.
-You're
...you know they're the most magically able race?
-I assume this refers to the Focci? That's a little unclear because 'my book on Focci' could refer to a person, place, or thing, and this sentence isn't directly connected to that reference.
He didn't seem to realise his voice has risen to a shout.
-I didn't either, but that could easily be fixed by italicizing part of that last bit of dialogue for emphasis.
Rek examined Frage...
-He seems too calm in this paragraph, especially considering he tried to get away just a moment before.
The glow became sharper. Separating into beams firing in all directions.
-Change the first period to a comma; this is one sentence.
Towards Rek.
-For emphasis, this should probably be its own paragraph.
He opened an eye.
-He already opened his eyes a couple sentences before.
His blinded eyes didn't see...
-From here until the last sentence of the chapter, you switch POV slightly, from focusing on Rek to focusing on Frage. Since there's no warning that there might be a POV change, this seemed out of place.
You have a lot of passive sentences in this chapter. Many of the sentences using 'was' could be reworded easily, such as "The light from them was choked by thick brown curtains, creating a gloomy atmosphere." could be changed to "Thick brown curtains choked all light from the room, creating a gloomy atmosphere." Frage's dialogue also needs to be edited, as many of his sentences have improper punctuation that makes them into run-ons. For instance, 'Well I suppose it's better than nothing, you got a name?' would actually look like 'Well, I suppose it's better than nothing. You got a name?'
Interesting plot development here. You seem to understand the setting well, but need to describe things just a little bit more so the reader can see it as well. Overall, description could be expanded on all around, but it doesn't require huge changes. Just a little more detail to bring everything together. I liked the transfer of power at the end here. I haven't seen anything quite like that before and unique magic is always hard to come by. :) Good job on that.
One last thing you might want to work on is the urgency of the situation. Rek was pretty calm through most of the chapter, which I found strange since he's tied to a chair in a room with a guy who wants to experiment on him. Toward the end, during the bestowal of powers, it picks up a bit, but otherwise it would be good to add more of his thoughts and reactions.
63RedactedNoLongerWritingThe closest held an array of silver instruments, some recently used.
-How can he tell they were recently used? Describe this.
...a thick course rope...
-'coarse'
Remembering some of the stories of people disappearing, taken by Curies and cut up for their remedies, he strained at his bonds desperately.
-Elaborate on this. It makes references to things I don't yet understand so I can't really grasp the magnitude/effect of these thoughts.
...your no good comatose.
-You're
...you know they're the most magically able race?
-I assume this refers to the Focci? That's a little unclear because 'my book on Focci' could refer to a person, place, or thing, and this sentence isn't directly connected to that reference.
He didn't seem to realise his voice has risen to a shout.
-I didn't either, but that could easily be fixed by italicizing part of that last bit of dialogue for emphasis.
Rek examined Frage...
-He seems too calm in this paragraph, especially considering he tried to get away just a moment before.
The glow became sharper. Separating into beams firing in all directions.
-Change the first period to a comma; this is one sentence.
Towards Rek.
-For emphasis, this should probably be its own paragraph.
He opened an eye.
-He already opened his eyes a couple sentences before.
His blinded eyes didn't see...
-From here until the last sentence of the chapter, you switch POV slightly, from focusing on Rek to focusing on Frage. Since there's no warning that there might be a POV change, this seemed out of place.
You have a lot of passive sentences in this chapter. Many of the sentences using 'was' could be reworded easily, such as "The light from them was choked by thick brown curtains, creating a gloomy atmosphere." could be changed to "Thick brown curtains choked all light from the room, creating a gloomy atmosphere." Frage's dialogue also needs to be edited, as many of his sentences have improper punctuation that makes them into run-ons. For instance, 'Well I suppose it's better than nothing, you got a name?' would actually look like 'Well, I suppose it's better than nothing. You got a name?'
Interesting plot development here. You seem to understand the setting well, but need to describe things just a little bit more so the reader can see it as well. Overall, description could be expanded on all around, but it doesn't require huge changes. Just a little more detail to bring everything together. I liked the transfer of power at the end here. I haven't seen anything quite like that before and unique magic is always hard to come by. :) Good job on that.
One last thing you might want to work on is the urgency of the situation. Rek was pretty calm through most of the chapter, which I found strange since he's tied to a chair in a room with a guy who wants to experiment on him. Toward the end, during the bestowal of powers, it picks up a bit, but otherwise it would be good to add more of his thoughts and reactions.
3/11/2011 c12 28WereMagi
Such a great read! I was mistrusting at first, but was sucked in due to the need to read something while I wait for other people to update their stories. Keep up the splendid writing and I hope to see more from you!
~WereMagi~
28WereMagiSuch a great read! I was mistrusting at first, but was sucked in due to the need to read something while I wait for other people to update their stories. Keep up the splendid writing and I hope to see more from you!
~WereMagi~
3/2/2011 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Rek had hoped he could use the haze and crowds to make his escape.
-This should be the first sentence of paragraph 2 since it's more connected to the ideas in that paragraph than in the intro.
...and bolted off away from the footsteps...
-'Off' should probably be omitted since because it feels awkward and somewhat redundant paired with 'away'.
...that looked a lot like a steamships hull...
-steamship's
Even so after a while the haze began...
-Comma after so
...and treating this as a good place to stop Rek slumped...
-Comma after stop
Rek closed his eyes, they could rest there for a bit then head home, the others from the gang would turn up later, there may be even some food left for them he noted with a smile.
-This sentence is a run-on. 'Rek closed his eyes' is one sentence, 'they could rest there...home' is another, 'there may be even [edit: might even be] food left for them' is a third.
...so unlike his own were uncomfortably close...
-Comma after own
He gripped the knife more tightly, hadn't he let go? If he had to use it he would...he would.
-I'm not really sure what this is saying.
As he had thought two men lurched around the corner...
-Comma after thought
...into the alleyway, no, Rek corrected himself...
-Okay, another sentence that needs to be split. The 'No, Rek...' part is another sentence, and since it's also a thought should probably be set apart something like this: 'No,' Rek corrected himself. 'Two giant men.'
He grinned a crooked smile and brought his fist down like a hammer on Rek's head...
-This is just personal preference, but the ellipsis (...) here seems out of place. The sentence describes something with a lot of finality as far as Rek's POV goes, so trailing off is a mixed message.
I love the way you set up the scene in the beginning. The description of the town was a great mood-maker and well-written. Overall, this was a good first chapter because it starts with a hook and ends with a hook for readers. Toward the end, I noticed more run-on sentences (more than I noted above) than were in the first half, and there were a number of places missing commas, but that's nothing a quick edit-session can't fix.
63RedactedNoLongerWritingRek had hoped he could use the haze and crowds to make his escape.
-This should be the first sentence of paragraph 2 since it's more connected to the ideas in that paragraph than in the intro.
...and bolted off away from the footsteps...
-'Off' should probably be omitted since because it feels awkward and somewhat redundant paired with 'away'.
...that looked a lot like a steamships hull...
-steamship's
Even so after a while the haze began...
-Comma after so
...and treating this as a good place to stop Rek slumped...
-Comma after stop
Rek closed his eyes, they could rest there for a bit then head home, the others from the gang would turn up later, there may be even some food left for them he noted with a smile.
-This sentence is a run-on. 'Rek closed his eyes' is one sentence, 'they could rest there...home' is another, 'there may be even [edit: might even be] food left for them' is a third.
...so unlike his own were uncomfortably close...
-Comma after own
He gripped the knife more tightly, hadn't he let go? If he had to use it he would...he would.
-I'm not really sure what this is saying.
As he had thought two men lurched around the corner...
-Comma after thought
...into the alleyway, no, Rek corrected himself...
-Okay, another sentence that needs to be split. The 'No, Rek...' part is another sentence, and since it's also a thought should probably be set apart something like this: 'No,' Rek corrected himself. 'Two giant men.'
He grinned a crooked smile and brought his fist down like a hammer on Rek's head...
-This is just personal preference, but the ellipsis (...) here seems out of place. The sentence describes something with a lot of finality as far as Rek's POV goes, so trailing off is a mixed message.
I love the way you set up the scene in the beginning. The description of the town was a great mood-maker and well-written. Overall, this was a good first chapter because it starts with a hook and ends with a hook for readers. Toward the end, I noticed more run-on sentences (more than I noted above) than were in the first half, and there were a number of places missing commas, but that's nothing a quick edit-session can't fix.
2/18/2011 c2 1StoryMonster
Ooh, rather usual magic stuff going on!
Your view on that is really creative!
Great job!
1StoryMonsterOoh, rather usual magic stuff going on!
Your view on that is really creative!
Great job!
2/18/2011 c1 StoryMonster
Rek seems pretty cool - I'd like to know more about him.
Grammar punctuation, spellings - perfect. I haven't read something without on in a long time, so great job there!
Overall, pretty good start!
Rek seems pretty cool - I'd like to know more about him.
Grammar punctuation, spellings - perfect. I haven't read something without on in a long time, so great job there!
Overall, pretty good start!
2/17/2011 c4 yoyoyo7789
Righty, I'm feeling a bit ill today so...bear with. =O
Ahem...as expected, the content is something spectacular. You create both a precise, detailed environment, and a wide, rapidly expanding setting. Awesome. The clasutrophobia presented through the inner mechanisms of the planetarium thing was a stroke of genius, by the way. =)
On a duller note, there are a couple of areas that I feel could be presented in a bit more of a...sophisticated way. For instance...
"He felt like he'd been climbing for ages. He was accustomed to running, not climbing."
Repetition of the verb climbing, and use of the term 'for ages', takes away from your typically well thought out, complex writing style. Then again, maybe that's just me.
Still, as you already know, I love the story so far. You've set up good reason for these peopel to go on a hefty quest, and you've crafted the characters in such a way that they're very enjoyable to follow about, and not at all tedious to listen to. Looking forward to more. =)
Great stuff.
Righty, I'm feeling a bit ill today so...bear with. =O
Ahem...as expected, the content is something spectacular. You create both a precise, detailed environment, and a wide, rapidly expanding setting. Awesome. The clasutrophobia presented through the inner mechanisms of the planetarium thing was a stroke of genius, by the way. =)
On a duller note, there are a couple of areas that I feel could be presented in a bit more of a...sophisticated way. For instance...
"He felt like he'd been climbing for ages. He was accustomed to running, not climbing."
Repetition of the verb climbing, and use of the term 'for ages', takes away from your typically well thought out, complex writing style. Then again, maybe that's just me.
Still, as you already know, I love the story so far. You've set up good reason for these peopel to go on a hefty quest, and you've crafted the characters in such a way that they're very enjoyable to follow about, and not at all tedious to listen to. Looking forward to more. =)
Great stuff.
2/15/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
As for grammatical errors and punctuation typos - there are none! So fantastic job. The setting, background are all described really well - I find myself easily picturing the scene. Rek seems like a really interesting character, i'd love to read more about him!
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusAs for grammatical errors and punctuation typos - there are none! So fantastic job. The setting, background are all described really well - I find myself easily picturing the scene. Rek seems like a really interesting character, i'd love to read more about him!
x mandy
2/7/2011 c2 6Arreana
Who got hit by the wildly flying knife, Frage or Rek?
Anyways, I thought this was a very interesting look at magic (or at least what I'm assuming is magic!). I like to see novel approaches to the usual magic schemes, I'm interested to see how you'll build upon it!
Let's help each other in the future!
Arreana
6ArreanaWho got hit by the wildly flying knife, Frage or Rek?
Anyways, I thought this was a very interesting look at magic (or at least what I'm assuming is magic!). I like to see novel approaches to the usual magic schemes, I'm interested to see how you'll build upon it!
Let's help each other in the future!
Arreana
2/7/2011 c1 Arreana
I think you have really good descriptions in this story, I really liked the atmosphere you created for your opening. One suggestion for your action though, you might want to make it a little clearer, bring it into sharper focus. Try using punchier/shorter sentences to give us a better feeling of your character doing things quickly.
Just a suggestion!
Anyways, thank you so much for reading Farro!
Arreana
I think you have really good descriptions in this story, I really liked the atmosphere you created for your opening. One suggestion for your action though, you might want to make it a little clearer, bring it into sharper focus. Try using punchier/shorter sentences to give us a better feeling of your character doing things quickly.
Just a suggestion!
Anyways, thank you so much for reading Farro!
Arreana