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for Therapy for the Unlucky

3/5/2011 c1 9Narq
This is to return a review for the february WCC

ooh, so people think that Luke imagined emma? That's interesting!

But, um, I don't quite get the link to the prompt here.

I really liked the tone of this voice, and the simple way you wrote it, because it was very easy on the eyes and I found myself enjoying the pace and the story.

2/25/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
A really nice short story - I think you developed the characters well in a short space, and as a reader you really get a feel for Luke. Nice work with that. The way you built up his short-lived relationship with the girl was done well, with enough of it to be quite surprising to the reader when she 'framed' him. Overall, great job, I really enjoyed reading it.
2/13/2011 c1 11berley
This story was definitely cute. I liked how you split of the scenes, it was a really smooth transition considering you go from two characters in a room talking to a busy scene back to the calm one. Nice job. The characters were also well done and I felt Luke was really developed in the 20 words you had to show him off.

Best of luck in the WCC!
2/11/2011 c1 airsickness
This was very entertaining to read. The characters were developed well, considering the length of the story, although I do feel Emma and the psychiatrist were kinda bland. It was nothing detrimental to the story, though.

"You just drew the short stick there" to "No, Luke..." felt very awkward, as you separated the same character's dialogue into two paragraphs, which kinda confused me. Aside from that, no major grammar or redaction problems whatsoever as far as I'm concerned.

Good job, I enjoyed it. Good luck on the WCC!
2/8/2011 c1 8Adrenalin
That's only the second prose work I've seen amongst the eight or so participations I've read this month (and I'm not even including mine in the count!). It seems this prompt inspired poetry :D

The characterization is great here. I could sympathize with Luke and his incomfort at facing the therapist (they always put me ill at ease, anyway).

"Grand Central Station smelled like New York: big, sharp, and filled with people."

Liked that one, though I wonder how something can smell big?

"I have to but something for my mom"


I like that Luke's indecise and that he's not 100% certain Emma calling him sweet is a good thing :D

The only thing I'd reproach this piece is that it feels rather random and I was very frustrated with not knowing why Luke ran away in the first place, but in a way, it actually makes the story work.

Best of luck in the WCC!
2/8/2011 c1 this wild abyss
Characters) Never having been to a therapist, I can't say that this is "realistic", but Whitman's character was lovely. His simple understanding was an interesting way to portray that character, and I was just as surprised by it as Luke was. Really awesome job with him.

Plot) I really enjoyed this story. It was simple, but the idea and motivation behind it were fantastic. The predicament Luke found himself in was funny yet relatable. A very interesting and unique plot, on the whole.

Ending) I really liked how the resolution for this piece undeniably closed things off, yet still left things open. It satisfied readers, but left them ready for more, if more was going to come. Perfect!

Enjoyment) Overall, I liked this piece quite a bit. You narrated it very well and gave your characters real dimension. The end was amazing, and I woudln't mind reading a continuation on this.

Good luck in the WCC!
2/8/2011 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
...so it the sun was just peeking over the horizon...

-Omit 'it'

The Statue of Liberty. Ground Zero. Central Park.

-This isn't wrong, exactly, 'cause I'm sure they're all popular. It just seemed jarring to me to have Ground Zero in the middle of two happy/nice places. That's probably just personal preference though. :)

Let's see, overall I liked this. I felt frustrated for Luke having to go to therapy when it so obviously wasn't his fault, haha, so I think that's a pretty good indicator that the characterization was strong. At times, though, the scenes went on a little long, particularly his wandering the city and his entry into the office. It didn't detract too much from the story but it could definitely benefit from a little trimming.

Good luck in the WCC! :)
2/6/2011 c1 22RavenclawMoose
"Dr. Whitman looked like his furniture, like he'd seen a lot but wearied it well"

This sentence is kind of confusing. I believe you mean "weathered" it well, not "wearied."

The transition from the psychiatrist's office to New York was a bit jarring. It might have flowed a bit better if you had changed it to, "Grand Central Station [had] smelled like New York... [When he had walked into it], Luke felt dwarfed..."

I liked the character of Luke. He seemed like a fairly interesting, well written character. Emma and the psychiatrist, on the other hand, fell a bit flat. Emma seemed a bit like generic pretty but dangerous girl, and Whitman's dialogue did not seem entirely realistic.

Overall, I liked the concept. It was an interesting story, and you used the prompt in an interesting way.

Good luck in the WCC!

2/5/2011 c1 12lianoid
Nearer the ceiling than the floor, the windows let in rays of sunlight.

-Personal: I would change "Nearer" to "closer".

I love how you ended this first scene. I think you transitioned really well. I also like the contrast of the two of them sitting, talking to one another, and then the bustling city.

He bought a all-day subway pass and made a point of riding it whenever he could. It was about one in the afternoon, when he was riding the subway as looking at the map of New York to decide where to go next when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

-Edit: Oops, tiny mistake here, you'll want "a all-day" to be "an all-day". And in the second sentence, I'm not sure if you want "as looking" to be "and looking" or "as he looked" or something similar. :)

"Uh, sure." Luke took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to her...

-Personal: I would change "Luke" to simply "He" here.

Your use of the prompt was straightforward but fit really well with the personality of the character saying it, and it wasn't too obvious or forced. I think you worked it in well to create a solid piece overall. Excellent work and best of luck in this month's WCC.
2/5/2011 c1 4lookingwest
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)

Hmm, right of the bat I'm wondering if there is a meaning in Dr. Whitman being a reference to the poet, and if that has anything to do with him being a Psychiatrist for this boy, heh. It kind of has some meaning there, for sure.

Overall the piece fell a little bit flat for me, to be honest, I was waiting for a grand climax or any tension that might built up, and there wasn't any. I think you could have intensified that scene where he gets caught a bit more, but I did like the simplicity of this short story-you have two characters working with one another and the re-telling of the story, and it gave us a great moment of seeing developing relationships between the two of them. I do think, however, that you did an excellent job with Luke's dialogue, I found it realistic, and like Patrick, I agree that it has a lot of Catcher In The Rye undertones, it laced well into the story as far as theme and message.

best of luck in WCC!
2/2/2011 c1 75thewhimsicalbard
There's no other word for the story except cute. It really is. I would almost equate this to a PG version of Catcher in the Rye. I certainly saw echoes of that book in here.

Luke was a really good character, and even though I think you probably should have made him a little bit older, I was really believing this story has actually happened. Poor kid... I feel for him. He's a mass of contradictions: confident enough to run away from home, but not enough to talk to a girl. Has a bunch of complicated internal problems and Average Kid Blues, but he can't express it. Poor guy.

I do like how you divided this story up. You paced it very well, which makes this a very easy read. That was very nice, especially because I've been reading Aristotle all morning for one of my classes. Bloody uninterpretable.

Also, great ending! Yay for cryptic cliffhangers! Are you thinking about continuing this story later?

Good luck in the WCC this month!


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