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6/6/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it
I liked this piece, there was a series of twists in the tail which snuck up upon the reader.

I really liked your description of how the man saw the women, although perhaps there was a little too much of this at the start before the action happened.

You did a great job of getting inside his head and showing us what that meant.

I felt quite uncomfortable towards the end,when you realise he is a killer, which I think was a plus and fits well with the genre. I think the uncomfortableness comes from the fact that initially we are brought in to slightly like the character, to see things as he sees them, to be drawn into the action from his eyes and feel his desire. Then when you find out that his desire is something that you are repulsed by, you feel disjointed and a sense of shame. This is good because it makes you challenge assumptions and see the world with more complexity.

We get very little information about who the girls really are and what they think. I think this is a very clever device to make us more able to see things from a man's point of view. He is a person who really doesn't understand these women, he objectifies them into an object of desire, but has absolutely no clue about what they think.

There were a few things that I was slightly confused about, as I would normally be in a movie of this genre:

Was his obsession with the appearance of the women more about his desire to kill them than a sexual attraction? Or was it that the lines of these two were blurred? If it is the latter, I think you did this quite cleverly.

I was slightly confused about the grandfather and how this Childhood experience seemed to set him up as a killer. a tiny bit more explanation might help here.

At the end, was he supposed to be put off killing one of them because of their either real or acted lesbian relationship? Why did this put him off? Was it because he somehow crossed the lines of attraction for a woman and desire to kill her, and if she was a lesbian she would not be a suitable source of attraction? Perhaps you could explore this issue a tiny bit more.
2/13/2011 c1 29YasuRan
I'm quite confused regarding the ending. What exactly did they mean by 'nailing' him?

The premise started off quite creepy but you did a good job at getting into the guy's head. He's unabashedly pathetic and I like that you don't justify his behavior.
2/9/2011 c1 12lianoid
He was not seen but all seeing. And he liked what he was seeing.

-Love that. Had such a lyrical quality to it, it was wonderful.

This was a really solid piece, Narq. The pacing was beautiful and your descriptions were thorough without going overboard, which went really well with the narrator's personality. I was surprised by the ending, definitely, so I really enjoyed that too.

This was just a top-notch piece all around. Excellent work and best of luck in this month's WCC!
2/8/2011 c1 75thewhimsicalbard
I like this. It's substantially weird and creepifying, but still fun to read. It wasn't an over-the-top kind of creepy, which bugs me. You did a really good job of using presupposition in this piece, which a lot of people have trouble doing naturally. I have to say, you had me tricked too. The first time I read this, I was tired, though, so I'm not sure if that technically counts.

Anyway, a great story. You had a really good main character. The description of the chase/hunt feelings that the guy has were pretty good, too.

Best of luck in the WCC!

2/8/2011 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Ah, God, creepy stalker. You did a good job describing his twisted POV to the reader. Very demented.

Funny ending, though. That's actually a pretty funny prank. It would confuse some people, no doubt.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
2/8/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Awesome :) Cute ending. The stalker's emotions and thoughts are portrayed really well - I especially like the little smartass comments here and there like the one about school. Very nice! Those girls are definitely two smart cookies! Excellent writing.

Good luck in the WCC! :)

x mandy
2/8/2011 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
This is a cute twist ending, haha. It made me laugh a bit how they seemed so innocent throughout the story but it turned out they knew what was up the whole time. The beginning is great. You set up his creepiness well. In the middle, some of his observations about their bodies seemed a little forced, like it was expected that he remark on their legs once more just to make sure he was creepy enough. But in the beginning, those details were dropped naturally, and that set an eerie, disturbing tone to it all. Which, of course, you blow out of the water with the light ending, but I really enjoyed that.

Nice job! :) Good luck in the WCC.
2/5/2011 c1 4lookingwest
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)

Haha, this had a cute ending, I liked that, I think you did a good job leading up to that last line by creating the ambiguity of their relationship and how it developed and showed itself at the end, that was definitley the clincher. I liked the inner thoughts of the narrator the most, I think, because of how well paced out in the piece they were, they came up at the right moments and I liked the simplicity of him just focusing completely on their looks, like "Nice hips"-I think that one was my favorite. Serves him right for being so objectifying, but this was certainly much different than anything from Winata! XD

Best of luck in WCC!

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