for The Boy Who Eats Hearts3/20/2011 c8 RDScholar
GAH! I want to read more so badly. You're doing a great job and I'm enjoying your story. I'm exited to see what happens. :)
GAH! I want to read more so badly. You're doing a great job and I'm enjoying your story. I'm exited to see what happens. :)
3/17/2011 c1 
2Wiseau Films
OH HI
"Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbells."
HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS IN A CAR? ARE YOU STALKING ME? If you fancy me I have to tell you, I am only interested in my Lisa.
OH BYE
2Wiseau FilmsOH HI
"Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbells."
HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS IN A CAR? ARE YOU STALKING ME? If you fancy me I have to tell you, I am only interested in my Lisa.
OH BYE
3/15/2011 c8 5I Can Breathe
I'm not really too sure about this chapter - I feel like the fact that Georgiana has finally decided to change is a bit unsettling. I feel like there's too much at stake for her but at the same time there's not much she can lose. I'm not too sure about Micah's attitude because he doesn't seem to realize she has feelings and kind of sees her as a project - he doesn't understand her problems. He seems to believe that all she'll need is to become superficially pretty and its a done deal. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it but that sort of bothers me.
5I Can BreatheI'm not really too sure about this chapter - I feel like the fact that Georgiana has finally decided to change is a bit unsettling. I feel like there's too much at stake for her but at the same time there's not much she can lose. I'm not too sure about Micah's attitude because he doesn't seem to realize she has feelings and kind of sees her as a project - he doesn't understand her problems. He seems to believe that all she'll need is to become superficially pretty and its a done deal. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it but that sort of bothers me.
3/15/2011 c8 PJ Draft
Another great chapter! I understand that updating is becoming an issue. Just take your time, don't rush things. :) I still am loving Alyssa's character for some reason! Anyways, I am looking forward to an update. -PJ
Another great chapter! I understand that updating is becoming an issue. Just take your time, don't rush things. :) I still am loving Alyssa's character for some reason! Anyways, I am looking forward to an update. -PJ
3/8/2011 c6 natmarie
So I hit submit before I realised something else. To help with the show vs tell thing. Look for little bits where you can add information. Like you mention Micah fidgets...does he figet with his feet, or kind of move his hands together, or a spoon or straw wrapper...or what. It can add description and an element of setting all in one. :)
On to this review...
So the next chapter will be in all G's pov? As in she is telling it, or it will be all about her and possibly her family. Just checking for clarification. Either way it should prove to be a lovely insight in to her. I feel we are getting a lot of Micah, which is fine. I'm liking him a little more as the chapters progress and their interactions.
Possible edit to chapter title, though yours is good. The Ugly Duckling meets the Swan? or something like that. Beauty, while good, doesn't round out the stereotype as much?
You are really blunt about Micah's relationship with Destiny, it makes me feel he and she are stupid to be in it. It also makes him seem more shallow, especially based on how she acts. Possible, but realistic? Maybe. Depends how you approach it. Make him have some reason to like her. Or if it is to keep his reputation intact mention that. Otherwise I, as a reader loose sympathy for him and stereotype him...which could work for or against you. Same goes for any exaggerated characters.
I like the modern fairy tale aspect and seriously can't see how G can look that bad. We still haven't gooten much of an insight into Micah's motive for this whole thing. What's in it for him? Not a bet...just because he can? (or the others for that matter?) Look for little plot holes or try and think of what a reader might want to know. I know it's hard sometimes. That's why I review. :D
required should be aquired (down by potbellys)
Again, on the whole a great development chapter, introducing characters and what not. Now that htey all have been welcomed into the show, love to see what they do and what happens next.
So I hit submit before I realised something else. To help with the show vs tell thing. Look for little bits where you can add information. Like you mention Micah fidgets...does he figet with his feet, or kind of move his hands together, or a spoon or straw wrapper...or what. It can add description and an element of setting all in one. :)
On to this review...
So the next chapter will be in all G's pov? As in she is telling it, or it will be all about her and possibly her family. Just checking for clarification. Either way it should prove to be a lovely insight in to her. I feel we are getting a lot of Micah, which is fine. I'm liking him a little more as the chapters progress and their interactions.
Possible edit to chapter title, though yours is good. The Ugly Duckling meets the Swan? or something like that. Beauty, while good, doesn't round out the stereotype as much?
You are really blunt about Micah's relationship with Destiny, it makes me feel he and she are stupid to be in it. It also makes him seem more shallow, especially based on how she acts. Possible, but realistic? Maybe. Depends how you approach it. Make him have some reason to like her. Or if it is to keep his reputation intact mention that. Otherwise I, as a reader loose sympathy for him and stereotype him...which could work for or against you. Same goes for any exaggerated characters.
I like the modern fairy tale aspect and seriously can't see how G can look that bad. We still haven't gooten much of an insight into Micah's motive for this whole thing. What's in it for him? Not a bet...just because he can? (or the others for that matter?) Look for little plot holes or try and think of what a reader might want to know. I know it's hard sometimes. That's why I review. :D
required should be aquired (down by potbellys)
Again, on the whole a great development chapter, introducing characters and what not. Now that htey all have been welcomed into the show, love to see what they do and what happens next.
3/8/2011 c5 natmarie
Wow, nice long chapter. I don't think I've mentioned it, but I love the chapter titles, they are a little overshadowed by the quotes (which I don't find necessary, but do add something I suppose). I always have heard Micah pronounced Mi-ca. So that's how I hear it in my head :D
You did a marvelous job introducing all the characters. Just make sure that they have a purpose to the plot and they appear enough for your readers to remember who they are. Sometimes I find that if a lot of characters are thrown at me I get them mixed up. But I'm kind of lame like that. Kind of makes me wonder all their connections...like a tree diagram or something could be used haha. Who is related to who and how. Taylor seems to know G better than the others.
Beware of more floating dialogue. But overall great chapter.
Wow, nice long chapter. I don't think I've mentioned it, but I love the chapter titles, they are a little overshadowed by the quotes (which I don't find necessary, but do add something I suppose). I always have heard Micah pronounced Mi-ca. So that's how I hear it in my head :D
You did a marvelous job introducing all the characters. Just make sure that they have a purpose to the plot and they appear enough for your readers to remember who they are. Sometimes I find that if a lot of characters are thrown at me I get them mixed up. But I'm kind of lame like that. Kind of makes me wonder all their connections...like a tree diagram or something could be used haha. Who is related to who and how. Taylor seems to know G better than the others.
Beware of more floating dialogue. But overall great chapter.
3/8/2011 c4 natmarie
Lots of talk in this chapter, which was good. It perhaps could have been split up and spread out over the course of a few chapters, or previous ones. But it works nicly here as well. I do wonder if she could reveal some of this information herself, or Micah or some other characters could. If intead of this third voice talking about G, could G actually have a scene with some of these beasts of girls? Just throwing it out there. Like I said, I like knowing more about her this way as well. Cue the drama. I can't wait for it to come. I sense it.
Lots of talk in this chapter, which was good. It perhaps could have been split up and spread out over the course of a few chapters, or previous ones. But it works nicly here as well. I do wonder if she could reveal some of this information herself, or Micah or some other characters could. If intead of this third voice talking about G, could G actually have a scene with some of these beasts of girls? Just throwing it out there. Like I said, I like knowing more about her this way as well. Cue the drama. I can't wait for it to come. I sense it.
3/8/2011 c3 natmarie
I like this one too. I agree that a lot of good questions are raised, ones that are worth thinking about and can get readers to wondering how the plot will go. If Micah will learn a lesson and all that. Quite a few new characters were thrown at us. Which is fine. I think I pinned them all down and figured out who they were and how they might interact with the story. Once again, I think it was the sister being mentioned, that I realized this lacked setting...I mean I can put together it is a school, perhaps a boarding school since they don't mention buses or home or anything like that. But are they at lunch? Playing soccer after school? I have some links on my homepage that help flesh stuff out. I use them all the time. I offer this merely as a suggestion. Because I find it is pretty grammatically sound, just could use some expantion. Or maybe I am just too curious about the characters and stuff for my own good. You sucked me in. :D
I like this one too. I agree that a lot of good questions are raised, ones that are worth thinking about and can get readers to wondering how the plot will go. If Micah will learn a lesson and all that. Quite a few new characters were thrown at us. Which is fine. I think I pinned them all down and figured out who they were and how they might interact with the story. Once again, I think it was the sister being mentioned, that I realized this lacked setting...I mean I can put together it is a school, perhaps a boarding school since they don't mention buses or home or anything like that. But are they at lunch? Playing soccer after school? I have some links on my homepage that help flesh stuff out. I use them all the time. I offer this merely as a suggestion. Because I find it is pretty grammatically sound, just could use some expantion. Or maybe I am just too curious about the characters and stuff for my own good. You sucked me in. :D
3/8/2011 c2 natmarie
"Um," Georgiana looked down at her feet and avoided Micah's probing eyes that seemed to be leaving burn marks all over her tender skin.-great description, but a super long sentence. Read it out loud. Could it be broken up a bit?
Oh, yes, Georgiana was extremely articulate today. It was a real pleasure talking to her when she was being so… corresponsive and accommodating. A real pleasure, I'm telling you.-this is the ambigious story teller I'm talking about...you say "you" like you are talking to the reader...and they seem to be following these two around like they know them, sometimes it again lapses into Micah sounding. Kind of like Gossip Girl. Does that make sense. But then it goes back to a third person. I don't know why it is bugging me. You still write it well, I guess I'm just used to my first person stories haha.
Now, Micah was, by no means, a sarcastic guy in his nature, but Georgiana's befuddlement and lack of reaction were frustrating him beyond belief. He understood that she might've been a little bit intimidated by him. He also understood that she wasn't used to having strangers (or any other human being) randomly talk and show interest in her, never mind that she'd been going to the same school as Micah since they were kids.-My English major/teacher lecture. Show versus tell. While you use great descriptions here. And you reveal information, could you do it another way? "show" vs. "tell". Here you tell us what they are like, could you show it somehow? Like her stuttering would show she is confused and nervous, his cocky attitude whould show he is sarcastic. His words could show that this is not something he usually does.
Try and get all the senses in too. :) Describe the setting. As a reader, I have no clue where they are stnding or what they look like or what time of day it is...you have floating dialogue and commentary. Which is great (in all its awesomeness) but leads to "floating dialogue" Or just lines being bandied back and forth. Rememeber your reader is not in your head, so they can't see things or hear things or know all the things about the story and plot unless you tell them. Likewise, this isn't on a movie screne so they can't see it that way. Not the biggest deal, but you'd be surprised what a difference it can make.
Micah is super harsh in this chapter, I know you said you have a plan. I am going along with that. But make sure his revelation isn't over night, and his character stays relatively consistant. I'm sure you will do a fine job with that. I could do with some more Little G character development, she talks so little, we don't get much of her thoughts or personality. Is she just depressingly sad and closed off and shy, or is there some spunk, or creative outlest or something?
I hope this did't come out like I hated this chapter. I promise you I didn't.It is good dialogue and advances the plot. I just wanted to be a little constuctive. Don't throw rocks at me :(
"Um," Georgiana looked down at her feet and avoided Micah's probing eyes that seemed to be leaving burn marks all over her tender skin.-great description, but a super long sentence. Read it out loud. Could it be broken up a bit?
Oh, yes, Georgiana was extremely articulate today. It was a real pleasure talking to her when she was being so… corresponsive and accommodating. A real pleasure, I'm telling you.-this is the ambigious story teller I'm talking about...you say "you" like you are talking to the reader...and they seem to be following these two around like they know them, sometimes it again lapses into Micah sounding. Kind of like Gossip Girl. Does that make sense. But then it goes back to a third person. I don't know why it is bugging me. You still write it well, I guess I'm just used to my first person stories haha.
Now, Micah was, by no means, a sarcastic guy in his nature, but Georgiana's befuddlement and lack of reaction were frustrating him beyond belief. He understood that she might've been a little bit intimidated by him. He also understood that she wasn't used to having strangers (or any other human being) randomly talk and show interest in her, never mind that she'd been going to the same school as Micah since they were kids.-My English major/teacher lecture. Show versus tell. While you use great descriptions here. And you reveal information, could you do it another way? "show" vs. "tell". Here you tell us what they are like, could you show it somehow? Like her stuttering would show she is confused and nervous, his cocky attitude whould show he is sarcastic. His words could show that this is not something he usually does.
Try and get all the senses in too. :) Describe the setting. As a reader, I have no clue where they are stnding or what they look like or what time of day it is...you have floating dialogue and commentary. Which is great (in all its awesomeness) but leads to "floating dialogue" Or just lines being bandied back and forth. Rememeber your reader is not in your head, so they can't see things or hear things or know all the things about the story and plot unless you tell them. Likewise, this isn't on a movie screne so they can't see it that way. Not the biggest deal, but you'd be surprised what a difference it can make.
Micah is super harsh in this chapter, I know you said you have a plan. I am going along with that. But make sure his revelation isn't over night, and his character stays relatively consistant. I'm sure you will do a fine job with that. I could do with some more Little G character development, she talks so little, we don't get much of her thoughts or personality. Is she just depressingly sad and closed off and shy, or is there some spunk, or creative outlest or something?
I hope this did't come out like I hated this chapter. I promise you I didn't.It is good dialogue and advances the plot. I just wanted to be a little constuctive. Don't throw rocks at me :(
3/8/2011 c1 natmarie
Ok, I swear I read this, and I thought I'd reviewed. But alas, no. I'll make up for it. I really like the start of this, you do a good job setting everything all up. I'm trying to get a sense of the story teller here. Is is a third person narrator who knows about these two and is kind of going on about them, or is it Micah? (the point of view sometimes seems to shift)If you have thoughts, sometimes it is helpful to readers to put them in italics, if you don't want to tack on a clunky, he thought, she thought. The begining was a little rough, you speeded through a back story, which works well for this, but had me wondering if there was more to it than the three lines about all the people that let her down in life. If you could flesh it out, or if more would be revealed as time went on it might have more of an impact and stick with a reader more. Maybe I've just taken one to many Psychology classes haha. Micah seems a little harsh. But I feel like with time I'm going to love to hate him...to just probably love him.Great unique names too.Over-all lovely.
Ok, I swear I read this, and I thought I'd reviewed. But alas, no. I'll make up for it. I really like the start of this, you do a good job setting everything all up. I'm trying to get a sense of the story teller here. Is is a third person narrator who knows about these two and is kind of going on about them, or is it Micah? (the point of view sometimes seems to shift)If you have thoughts, sometimes it is helpful to readers to put them in italics, if you don't want to tack on a clunky, he thought, she thought. The begining was a little rough, you speeded through a back story, which works well for this, but had me wondering if there was more to it than the three lines about all the people that let her down in life. If you could flesh it out, or if more would be revealed as time went on it might have more of an impact and stick with a reader more. Maybe I've just taken one to many Psychology classes haha. Micah seems a little harsh. But I feel like with time I'm going to love to hate him...to just probably love him.Great unique names too.Over-all lovely.
3/6/2011 c7 7MsMellowMint
Excellent chapter. Truly. Wonderfully written with just the right amount of decription and I feel as if Georgiana has finally begun to show a spark of life in her.
I see now why it took so long for this chapter. Extremely well written, keep it up, and I look forward to your next update.
7MsMellowMintExcellent chapter. Truly. Wonderfully written with just the right amount of decription and I feel as if Georgiana has finally begun to show a spark of life in her.
I see now why it took so long for this chapter. Extremely well written, keep it up, and I look forward to your next update.
3/5/2011 c7 3Lizzie in Wonderland
I loved this chapter :D thanks for updating, i can't wait for the next one :) x
3Lizzie in WonderlandI loved this chapter :D thanks for updating, i can't wait for the next one :) x