for Sisterhips2/22/2011 c1 
75thewhimsicalbard
The repetition of the "s" sound was obviously your hook in this piece, and it almost worked really well. You had some images that were fresher than a new pair of shoes - "stretch statewide" and "strengthen... my spine" are my two personal favorites, but especially the first one. I mean, those are really good images. I found myself nodding along to those lines with approval as I was reading. The bone I have to pick is with your first line.
"Slow and steady" absolutely reeks of cliche. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't use at least one of those words (or even both); what I'm suggesting is that using both words with THAT particular phrasing is something that anyone could have come up with. One trick I often try to avoid cliche phrases like that is hyphenating. For instance, you could have written your first line like this: "Sisterhips rock so slow-steady". There are ways around that.
My point is, though, that your first line has to be perfect to grab your readers and pull them in. After that, you have a we little bit of wiggle room. Otherwise, though, you have a really good poem, with lots of room for interpretation. Your imagery was for the most part coherent - the imagery all gives a sense of looking at the scene over some great distance with little else in the way. That's pretty interesting style, though if you were looking to connect your readers with the "sisterhips", you might want to reconsider that.
The only other thing I notice is that in the first stanza, your speaker addresses the non-present audience, but that changes in the second stanza, when your speaker addresses the "sisterhips". That's all I've got in terms of concrit, though. This is a solid poem! Compared to your other pieces, it's very much better than North Carolina, but I would personally rank it below train 79.
That's all I've got! Sorry this took so long for me to get back to you!
-twb
75thewhimsicalbardThe repetition of the "s" sound was obviously your hook in this piece, and it almost worked really well. You had some images that were fresher than a new pair of shoes - "stretch statewide" and "strengthen... my spine" are my two personal favorites, but especially the first one. I mean, those are really good images. I found myself nodding along to those lines with approval as I was reading. The bone I have to pick is with your first line.
"Slow and steady" absolutely reeks of cliche. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't use at least one of those words (or even both); what I'm suggesting is that using both words with THAT particular phrasing is something that anyone could have come up with. One trick I often try to avoid cliche phrases like that is hyphenating. For instance, you could have written your first line like this: "Sisterhips rock so slow-steady". There are ways around that.
My point is, though, that your first line has to be perfect to grab your readers and pull them in. After that, you have a we little bit of wiggle room. Otherwise, though, you have a really good poem, with lots of room for interpretation. Your imagery was for the most part coherent - the imagery all gives a sense of looking at the scene over some great distance with little else in the way. That's pretty interesting style, though if you were looking to connect your readers with the "sisterhips", you might want to reconsider that.
The only other thing I notice is that in the first stanza, your speaker addresses the non-present audience, but that changes in the second stanza, when your speaker addresses the "sisterhips". That's all I've got in terms of concrit, though. This is a solid poem! Compared to your other pieces, it's very much better than North Carolina, but I would personally rank it below train 79.
That's all I've got! Sorry this took so long for me to get back to you!
-twb
2/11/2011 c1 28frugale
First review! :D
I liked your choice of words, especially the use of 'statewide', 'sun' and 'moon'. The geographical lexicon really gave a sense of immensity to the subject of the piece, with minimal effort. Bravo.
I liked the subject, because it is original and originally depicted. We definitely feel some kinship there, regardless of whether the 'Sisters' are metaphorical or not.
I liked the tone of the piece, because it is well balanced in my opinion - not too mundane, but not too abstract, either. Again, there is a definite feeling of nobility, of something or someone being dignified. Beautiful.
I liked your 'word play' because you do use alliteration effectively, specifically the sound 's' that you underscore oh so well at the beginning of the piece. You also manage not to overdo it, which is nice. Again, balance is key and you nailed it.
Overall, a more abstract piece than the rest (I've read nine other pieces of yours just to get a general idea of your writing, for comparison purposes and others), and very enjoyable.
-frugale
(Review submitted as part of The Review Game)
28frugaleFirst review! :D
I liked your choice of words, especially the use of 'statewide', 'sun' and 'moon'. The geographical lexicon really gave a sense of immensity to the subject of the piece, with minimal effort. Bravo.
I liked the subject, because it is original and originally depicted. We definitely feel some kinship there, regardless of whether the 'Sisters' are metaphorical or not.
I liked the tone of the piece, because it is well balanced in my opinion - not too mundane, but not too abstract, either. Again, there is a definite feeling of nobility, of something or someone being dignified. Beautiful.
I liked your 'word play' because you do use alliteration effectively, specifically the sound 's' that you underscore oh so well at the beginning of the piece. You also manage not to overdo it, which is nice. Again, balance is key and you nailed it.
Overall, a more abstract piece than the rest (I've read nine other pieces of yours just to get a general idea of your writing, for comparison purposes and others), and very enjoyable.
-frugale
(Review submitted as part of The Review Game)