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for The LoneWolf, Dixon and the IceQueen

3/25/2011 c1 4Iva Hartnet
Ah...

Well I liked the concept of your story. It's cliched but I'm a sucker for lone wolf sort of guy falling for someone finally. So that's what I really liked about the story :)

What I didn't like was that your grammar was kinda all over the place. At many points. And halfway through I just felt like the entire story was dragging way too much. It didn't have the depth I was looking for and the principal scene in particular was just...a bit...unbelievable. I think your grammar mainly could use work. And you could revise the length of it. It moved too slowly.

But great concept :)
3/20/2011 c1 CCKins
Haha! Really entertaining story you got there. Ice-Queen has to be my favorite character in this. Sometimes she just seems really smart then she goes all crazy happy, then she's back to normal! How the heck could she tell it was a girl just by looking into Tyler's eyes? I didn't recall you giving her an actual name though, it's always either 'my sister' or 'the IceQueen'. Unless I missed it, it's funny that you didn't! I love the nicknames!

I love how Tyler is like a poet. It's really funny, and I didn't really expect a lone-wolf to be into poetry.

I did like the end, although a part of me kinda wanted more. Obviously, 'Dixon' did have some effect on Tyler, but it doesn't really seem like she did as he just went on playing Call of Duty. And the whole shoe thing was kinda weird. Didn't she want her shoe back? If not for her, for her brother! Yet I do like how Tyler didn't explain what happened between him and Madison. I felt strangely satisfied by that.

Overall, I loved the whole thing! Just a really funny story! Well done!
3/17/2011 c1 Superslow Jellyfish
A couple of spelling and grammar mistakes, but its alright since this is just practice for you (and you're doing a great job, I should add):

-imagenary=imaginary

-ridiculously high heals- should be "heels"

Aw, this was an adorable one-shot. Okay, lets get down to it, shall we? My favorite character here was Marleen the Ice Queen. She had a lot of the good lines and the way she annoyed and tricked her brother was done in a realistic sense that brought her character to life. My favorite line in particular here was when they spoke about baby seals and how Ty's supposed to be intensive and manly.

Another thing I especially liked was the humor involved. The formations of Madison and Ty finally hooking up was a series of events that were hilariously done. This to me is exemplified with the thong scene. Ty made me laugh simply because he went all Shakespearean on her, which of course, would make any girl swoon...and he brings up the thong. And second, that scene revived Madison's correct guess. That was my favorite scene in the whole story, too.

And don't feel self conscious about the ending. It averted the whole romantic kissy-face ending of cliches galore and instead brought everything full circle (well, technically half circle since Ty's sucking at COD) with him playing the game and Maureen avoiding the crap out of him. I have a fondness for those particular endings, since they bring out the resolution of the characters involved.

-BM (Flare) from the Review Game
3/14/2011 c1 5Rainbow35
I loved this story, it was so cute! I liked the way Tyler was a "lone wolf", because I think those type of people are cool. :D I also really liked Madison, because she's so cool they way she comes up with brilliant plans and all that.

Anyway, brilliant story, I absolutely loved it! It was all just so cool and funny and slightly romantic! :D There was a few spelling mistakes, like you spelled "heel" as "heal" a few times, but other than that it's just brilliant!
3/13/2011 c1 4Saran-Wrapped Daughter
Wow! Your brother and sister characters were completely believable, relatable. Your writing was very neat and I liked it.

However, I noticed you sometimes slipped into present tense, even though it seemed like you were writing in past tense. And a few times, I got something like this;

"Answer the damn question, if you dare ask another question instead of answering mine, I will make you eat your cell phone and send you messages so you feel it buzz inside your guts."I gulped.

When I read taht over the first time, I thought TYLER was talking. Some writers tend to use 'Gulping' as a speak and act term. And here it seemed like thats what you were aiming for. But I realized this was the sister after another look. But I suggest you try;

"Answer the damn question, if you dare ask another question instead of answering mine, I will make you eat your cell phone and send you messages so you feel it buzz inside your guts." She threatened. I gulped...(fill in the dots)

Anyway, this story was well written. Good job :)
3/12/2011 c1 SolarisOne8
[EASY - FOR REVIEW GAME]

-Off Topic-

It's been a *long* time since I've had the pleasure of reviewing a complete short story! :-D

-End Off Topic-

First, I'd just have to say that this story is in my favorites now. Even as an ESL writer, you've done a more rigorous job than well over half of the native English-speakers that I read from day to day *despite* the language barrier. It is obvious that you worked your ass off on this. Fantastique...!

I also liked how you managed to come up with some... rather interesting metaphors. They made me laugh in a good way. :P

Again, with your characterization you were able to win me over instantly. I can tell you also put a lot of thought into this as well. The brother and sister were completely believable.

Overall, I'd have to say that this story will be absolutely wonderful once you gain additional skill in English and come back and revise this.

Respectfully yours,

John M. Carr
3/12/2011 c1 3dx713
My excuses for the short review: I had noted everything down, and lost the file. So I'm going to let real English-speaker catch the couple of strange sentences I found.

Just a warning: check your tenses. Some present-tense sometime slips into your writing, while the bulk is in the past.

On the story in general, I liked your characterisation of the brother / sister relationship. That was fun to read. The main character going from a very good player to distracted by his girlfriend was a nice touch too.

But I felt missing details about him. I wasn't sure why he'd decided he was the lone wolf. Did he want to stay alone to avoid drama, and in this case why was he so surprised to be attracted by a girl, even if he didn't want to act on it? Or was he truthfully unattracted, and in this case, why / how did he notice Dixon? I feel some more would be needed here for me to fully understand.

Also, I've been a bit annoyed by Tyler and Dixon's awesomeness in the middle part. While it enabled good comic relief, he would have felt more real to me if at least a part of the plan had failed. Or if they had to suffer some back-lash in some other form (after all, unless they blow the secret, it makes Dixon look quite the airhead).

It was still a promising read, specially for a non-English speaker. Hang on here!
2/14/2011 c1 conleyswifey
i liked this. I thought it was very entertaining and it kept me laughing. And yes even lone wolves have to fall in love sometime!

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