for Angels4/23/2012 c1 
3Geraldine Aubergine
Is this a true story? Regardless, the details make it seem so. Incredibly well written. Good job.
-Geri
3Geraldine AubergineIs this a true story? Regardless, the details make it seem so. Incredibly well written. Good job.
-Geri
2/21/2011 c1 13the ticking clock
Wow! You continue to amaze me with your awesomeness! So emotional and beautifully written. Great job!
13the ticking clockWow! You continue to amaze me with your awesomeness! So emotional and beautifully written. Great job!
2/21/2011 c1 29YasuRan
While your opening felt solid in terms of structure, I thought it was a bit cliched and cheesy since I've read several that begin with the 'It's amazing how one person can change...'. To a veteran reader, it might come off as a bit boring or tired.
Although you tell the story well - the few diction mistakes I noted were quite minor - your narrative lacks your own unique signature as a writer. Again, this is due to a lot of repetitive, cliched sentences ('The day she died, I felt as if life was over.', 'His family became my second, yet better family.', etc). Most of the tropes or plot devices employed in the story were ones I've seen used many times before such as the kind boy who becomes a ray of light, him sacrificing his life to save hers, the girl's good-for-nothing parents and the like. These would've come across better had you added an original twist to each situation.
The pacing was a bit rushed, to be honest. I didn't get a good sense of your characters' individual personalities since you didn't take much time to develop them or much of their backgroud. Remember to show the story as if it were a painting with your writing coloring it, as opposed to a string of paragraphs. Because of the weak characterization, the portrayal of their relationship suffered: again, it wasn't well-paced and I feel that too much emphasis was placed on the romance or what a knight-in-shining-armor Alex was in life instead of the strength of their relationship which would've left a better impression on the reader. As a result, it came across as a rather generic romance.
In terms of spelling and grammar, there is little to fault. As mentioned earlier, you made a few diction mistakes but those were relatively minor and could be picked up after a spot of beta-reading. You have a solid writing base to work on but you need to step out of the box if you want to create something truly remarkable. Read widely and note how good writers craft good plots.
29YasuRanWhile your opening felt solid in terms of structure, I thought it was a bit cliched and cheesy since I've read several that begin with the 'It's amazing how one person can change...'. To a veteran reader, it might come off as a bit boring or tired.
Although you tell the story well - the few diction mistakes I noted were quite minor - your narrative lacks your own unique signature as a writer. Again, this is due to a lot of repetitive, cliched sentences ('The day she died, I felt as if life was over.', 'His family became my second, yet better family.', etc). Most of the tropes or plot devices employed in the story were ones I've seen used many times before such as the kind boy who becomes a ray of light, him sacrificing his life to save hers, the girl's good-for-nothing parents and the like. These would've come across better had you added an original twist to each situation.
The pacing was a bit rushed, to be honest. I didn't get a good sense of your characters' individual personalities since you didn't take much time to develop them or much of their backgroud. Remember to show the story as if it were a painting with your writing coloring it, as opposed to a string of paragraphs. Because of the weak characterization, the portrayal of their relationship suffered: again, it wasn't well-paced and I feel that too much emphasis was placed on the romance or what a knight-in-shining-armor Alex was in life instead of the strength of their relationship which would've left a better impression on the reader. As a result, it came across as a rather generic romance.
In terms of spelling and grammar, there is little to fault. As mentioned earlier, you made a few diction mistakes but those were relatively minor and could be picked up after a spot of beta-reading. You have a solid writing base to work on but you need to step out of the box if you want to create something truly remarkable. Read widely and note how good writers craft good plots.
2/20/2011 c1 cwidsvniojwfeodpsjmc-oieajsmpc
aw so nice. Great story. Really touching. This review sounds like shit. Either way, great story. It's the kind of thing that if you want you can make into a multi chapter thing, but doesn't sound rushed as a short story. Great story.
aw so nice. Great story. Really touching. This review sounds like shit. Either way, great story. It's the kind of thing that if you want you can make into a multi chapter thing, but doesn't sound rushed as a short story. Great story.
2/20/2011 c1 5Rainbow35
This story is very good, it's so sad! I like the ending, because it's happy but sad at the same time.
I loved Alex, he was so nice and brilliant. It's so amazing of him to give up his life saving the girl he loved, that was so romantic and so sad!
The entire story went by a bit quickly, but that's not a bad thing. It could have been a bit more drawn out, maybe, but it's good this way, too.
It's sad the way that at the funeral she couldn't even say anything, she just cried. It kind of reminds me of a funeral I was at 2 years ago, that happened to some people, they'd try to talk but just cry for a few minutes. :/
I thought it was a bit strange the way there was just randomly a mountain lion in the forest (also, you call it a mountain lion, and then a cougar in the next sentence. I think they're different, but I'm not sure), and that everything was just all ominous and quiet. If there was a thing going around killing people, would it not be louder from the screams of the dying animals? Unless they were all dead already, or something? I'm no expert on wildlife, so I don't know.
I also love the way Alex's family was so nice to her, and treated her like one of their own. It's kind of sad that the girl's family was so not-nice to her, in general.
Was it intentional that you never mentioned the girl's name throughout the whole story? Also, it's not made too obvious that she's a girl, until her and Alex end up being together. Is that intentional? 'Cause I'd kinda thought the main character was a boy until it's mentioned that her and Alex are more than friends (and even then, it's only *really* obvious when she gets pregnant).
-Okay, I just read the summary and it does mention that that the main person is a girl. I'm unobservant. :P
Anyway, brilliant story, I like it, it's very well done! :D
5Rainbow35This story is very good, it's so sad! I like the ending, because it's happy but sad at the same time.
I loved Alex, he was so nice and brilliant. It's so amazing of him to give up his life saving the girl he loved, that was so romantic and so sad!
The entire story went by a bit quickly, but that's not a bad thing. It could have been a bit more drawn out, maybe, but it's good this way, too.
It's sad the way that at the funeral she couldn't even say anything, she just cried. It kind of reminds me of a funeral I was at 2 years ago, that happened to some people, they'd try to talk but just cry for a few minutes. :/
I thought it was a bit strange the way there was just randomly a mountain lion in the forest (also, you call it a mountain lion, and then a cougar in the next sentence. I think they're different, but I'm not sure), and that everything was just all ominous and quiet. If there was a thing going around killing people, would it not be louder from the screams of the dying animals? Unless they were all dead already, or something? I'm no expert on wildlife, so I don't know.
I also love the way Alex's family was so nice to her, and treated her like one of their own. It's kind of sad that the girl's family was so not-nice to her, in general.
Was it intentional that you never mentioned the girl's name throughout the whole story? Also, it's not made too obvious that she's a girl, until her and Alex end up being together. Is that intentional? 'Cause I'd kinda thought the main character was a boy until it's mentioned that her and Alex are more than friends (and even then, it's only *really* obvious when she gets pregnant).
-Okay, I just read the summary and it does mention that that the main person is a girl. I'm unobservant. :P
Anyway, brilliant story, I like it, it's very well done! :D
2/20/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Wow, this is really beautiful and sad at the same time. The narration is even, and clear-cut throughout, which is amazing for a story like this, with barely any dialogue. Excellent work, the emotions were portrayed amazingly. (:
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusWow, this is really beautiful and sad at the same time. The narration is even, and clear-cut throughout, which is amazing for a story like this, with barely any dialogue. Excellent work, the emotions were portrayed amazingly. (:
x mandy
2/16/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
I liked the scene with the waterfall at the National Forest. You made the setting very utopic, and a good, symbolic backdrop for their love passion. It’s like their little haven/love nest.
I wish you went into more detail in the beginning about why the narrator wanted to commit suicide. Is the reason the narrator decided against it just because Alex asked her for her time? I expected more angst. Overall, there was a lot of telling and not enough showing. For example:
[I underwent severe depression] How did the narrator feel and act during her depression? Hollow? Numb? Some descriptive language using the five senses would be very effective here.
Your writing quality is certainly solid. The narration, I thought, was strong, concise, clear. Just don’t be afraid to spice it up!
Nice job!
~Merle
5WhirlymerleI liked the scene with the waterfall at the National Forest. You made the setting very utopic, and a good, symbolic backdrop for their love passion. It’s like their little haven/love nest.
I wish you went into more detail in the beginning about why the narrator wanted to commit suicide. Is the reason the narrator decided against it just because Alex asked her for her time? I expected more angst. Overall, there was a lot of telling and not enough showing. For example:
[I underwent severe depression] How did the narrator feel and act during her depression? Hollow? Numb? Some descriptive language using the five senses would be very effective here.
Your writing quality is certainly solid. The narration, I thought, was strong, concise, clear. Just don’t be afraid to spice it up!
Nice job!
~Merle