6/18/2011 c1 MisUnd3rSt0od
Oh my god! PEOPLE DO THAT! Now I'm going to be paranoid, how do you check to see if people are stealing your stories?

6/16/2011 c1 demonChild17
Omg! I'm soo sorry to hear about your story =( At the moment I'm so pissed of at the person who stole your story, since I was in the middle of reading 18 to Life (chapter 15)! And because of that person you had to take down your story. I don't blame you really for doing what you did. Imagine my surprise when at the end of the day I'm settled in to read the story and its gone. At first I thought fictionpress was acting up, but then I read what happened. Some people really ruin it for others =(. Hope everything goes well for you. And lastly, I haven't finished reading you story but so far so good. =) Really enjoyed reading about M and Addis, and I love their chemistry -sighs-, anyways great story. =)

5/15/2011 c1 Lasfter
Let me start off by saying, I am hugely impressed by the wordcount on your stories, I can never get myself to elaborate on a plot line enough to get so many words in, and my stories are always tiny little things.

Nevertheless,I have some reservations about the story. I get what you're going for with the style of writing: simple and fast-paced first person, meant to get you in the action and keep you there, to show it truly from the teenage protagonist's point of view, EXACTLY as they would see it. But it just doesn't work for me.

The style is just too simple. It gives me the impression that someone is just standing in front of me telling me what happened. That may be good to some extent, as it adds a little personality and flair to the story, but in the end, it stops me from being immersed.

I'm speaking of the "Show don't tell" rule in writing. That is, if you expect me to suspend my disbelief and believe in what you are writing, you have to show me, because simply telling doesn't prove anything.

So when I read through this, you are offering very detailed description, but everything is so helter-skelter and unimportant to the story itself, that I find myself struggling to keep up. I feel as if an obnoxious teenager has just dumped a bunch of information on me at a million words a minute, instead of feeling as if I was an omnipresent being looking on at the scene.

Another thing that caught my eye was the lack of stylistic devices. There are no hyperboles, similes, metaphors, no interesting pieces of diction, nothing noteworthy at all to find in there. Again, I can tell that these are the thoughts of a teenager, but there is room for embellishment in a story. You do not need to model it to reflect how a real teenager thinks, because I get enough of that in my own head.

So, after everything I just said, let me try and rephrase it more concisely. What you have written, can be compared to a movie where, for 2 hours, someone describes what happens. The desired effect should be, however, a movie where you SEE what happens. You do this by appealing to our senses, making the reader feel things.

Simply put, the story, despite its wordcount, seems shallow. And no matter how good a plot line may be, you have to get people reading and remembering what they are reading, and I couldn't easily understand everything that happened in the first chapter.

Thanks, and I hope I made sense :D

4/4/2011 c1 3Rosemarysgraden001
Ok this was a fun little story,I encountered. Its cool for whats its about,It had some fun twists and turns for one chapter.

~Rose~(Roadhouse) Boy do I like R's...

3/16/2011 c13 rotana
it make me laught and i really enjoy readin it...plz update soonn...