for Eleanor Rigby as a Young Woman3/18/2011 c1 
5Whirlymerle
I like the colloquial style you wrote this in. I can hear the narrator’s dialect in his/her voice.
I also really like the simplicity of this. You really make straight dialogue work here, without non-speaking narrative. Although this is a very short piece, I can totally feel the narrator’s emotions shine through.
5WhirlymerleI like the colloquial style you wrote this in. I can hear the narrator’s dialect in his/her voice.
I also really like the simplicity of this. You really make straight dialogue work here, without non-speaking narrative. Although this is a very short piece, I can totally feel the narrator’s emotions shine through.
3/18/2011 c1 1xXxTake.Your.Last.EmbracexXx
Oh, this was definitely unlike anything I've read in a while. I like what you've set up here (the stubborn girl, the 'Go take a break' woman), because it establishes personalities. Then again, this is really short, so not a lot has to be described. XD Great job setting up the mood and such. =) You did just enough.
One thing I didn't like (or think can be improved on, rather) is the punctuation. For example, you wrote: "Actually, I can close up tonight. You could leave early." I offer.
It's supposed to be: "Actually, I can close up tonight. You could leave early," I offer. - There's always a comma, unless you go into an action right after that. It was a little distracting, but then again, the length didn't cause it to be annoying. =)
Other than that, great job! A lot of people can't pull of a piece of writing this short.
~ Lala
1xXxTake.Your.Last.EmbracexXxOh, this was definitely unlike anything I've read in a while. I like what you've set up here (the stubborn girl, the 'Go take a break' woman), because it establishes personalities. Then again, this is really short, so not a lot has to be described. XD Great job setting up the mood and such. =) You did just enough.
One thing I didn't like (or think can be improved on, rather) is the punctuation. For example, you wrote: "Actually, I can close up tonight. You could leave early." I offer.
It's supposed to be: "Actually, I can close up tonight. You could leave early," I offer. - There's always a comma, unless you go into an action right after that. It was a little distracting, but then again, the length didn't cause it to be annoying. =)
Other than that, great job! A lot of people can't pull of a piece of writing this short.
~ Lala