for MoonLlit Night2/27/2011 c1 Frap
Okay I don't know what just happened to what I was typing but it's gone and so I'll have to paraphrase.
The story is romantic and sweet. I think you have to find out what tense you want to use and who will tell the story. If it will be you then you need to use more showing and not telling.
I had broken things down, but now its gone so hopefully you understand when I say that you have too many 'he', the, she and...
These words are over used and you have great descriptions without them. Your story is reading slightly choppy, but when you take out a couple of words here and there it will flow a lot better. I'll give you an example.
You have:
"Of course, I will gladly meet your sister." He followed Alfred and Mary Anne back inside. The laughter still ruled the sound around the room. Ladies and Gentleman found everywhere and in good spirits. The party seems like an excellent success in his opinion. There in the corner behind the pillar, stood a beautiful young woman. He assumed that she is Mary Anne's sister, based on body shape, hair color and face structure. He felt his breath catch in his throat. Unlike her sister, she wore a dark green dress and not so outward with people. Her blue eyes sparkled at him and a small smile to match when she looked at him. Mary Anne grabbed the woman by the wrist and led her to where the brothers stood. Geoffrey's poor heart pounded against his ribs. She walked gracefully behind her sister, not giving much of a fight.
Take out a couple of words and it should read: (Oh I'm using the past tense also)
"Of course, I will gladly meet your sister." He followed Alfred and Mary Anne back inside. Laughter was a constant in the room of ladies and gentlemen. All were in good spirits. The party was a great success thought Geoffrey.
In the corner behind the pillar, stood a beautiful young woman. Geoffrey surmised it was Mary Anne's sister, based on body shape, hair color, and facial structure. A breath hitched in his throat. Dressed in a dark green dress she appeared anti-social. Blue eyes sparkled at him as a small smile tugged her lips. Mary Anne grabbed the woman by the wrist,leading her towards the brothers. Geoffrey's poor heart pounded against his ribs.
You see, it is basically what you said, just more usage of your adjectives.
It seems to be a very good beginning and the plot at this point can go any where so I like that you opened up with enough family info to keep us wondering what the party is all about, yet you didn't give us too much detail about Geoffrey so to put any one off. The flow from one idea to the next was really good and it kept it interesting.
Thanks for sharing and if you like this review then let me know at my forum. Go to my profile and look it up. Thanks!
(Again, I had something totally different till it disappeared)
Frap
Okay I don't know what just happened to what I was typing but it's gone and so I'll have to paraphrase.
The story is romantic and sweet. I think you have to find out what tense you want to use and who will tell the story. If it will be you then you need to use more showing and not telling.
I had broken things down, but now its gone so hopefully you understand when I say that you have too many 'he', the, she and...
These words are over used and you have great descriptions without them. Your story is reading slightly choppy, but when you take out a couple of words here and there it will flow a lot better. I'll give you an example.
You have:
"Of course, I will gladly meet your sister." He followed Alfred and Mary Anne back inside. The laughter still ruled the sound around the room. Ladies and Gentleman found everywhere and in good spirits. The party seems like an excellent success in his opinion. There in the corner behind the pillar, stood a beautiful young woman. He assumed that she is Mary Anne's sister, based on body shape, hair color and face structure. He felt his breath catch in his throat. Unlike her sister, she wore a dark green dress and not so outward with people. Her blue eyes sparkled at him and a small smile to match when she looked at him. Mary Anne grabbed the woman by the wrist and led her to where the brothers stood. Geoffrey's poor heart pounded against his ribs. She walked gracefully behind her sister, not giving much of a fight.
Take out a couple of words and it should read: (Oh I'm using the past tense also)
"Of course, I will gladly meet your sister." He followed Alfred and Mary Anne back inside. Laughter was a constant in the room of ladies and gentlemen. All were in good spirits. The party was a great success thought Geoffrey.
In the corner behind the pillar, stood a beautiful young woman. Geoffrey surmised it was Mary Anne's sister, based on body shape, hair color, and facial structure. A breath hitched in his throat. Dressed in a dark green dress she appeared anti-social. Blue eyes sparkled at him as a small smile tugged her lips. Mary Anne grabbed the woman by the wrist,leading her towards the brothers. Geoffrey's poor heart pounded against his ribs.
You see, it is basically what you said, just more usage of your adjectives.
It seems to be a very good beginning and the plot at this point can go any where so I like that you opened up with enough family info to keep us wondering what the party is all about, yet you didn't give us too much detail about Geoffrey so to put any one off. The flow from one idea to the next was really good and it kept it interesting.
Thanks for sharing and if you like this review then let me know at my forum. Go to my profile and look it up. Thanks!
(Again, I had something totally different till it disappeared)
Frap