for Dove3/9/2011 c2 LockNessieVampire
Very nice, I really enjoyed it!
Please write more if you can, I want to find out what happens :)
Very nice, I really enjoyed it!
Please write more if you can, I want to find out what happens :)
3/9/2011 c2 
1iRemedy
chapter 2
"I wake up from the same dream I have had for a week." could be "I wake up from the reoccurring dream I've had all week." just sounds a bit better
"white tea shirt" is white t-shirt"
"some jock with spiky hair said to his buddies as all of them laugh." 'said' should be 'says' due to being in present tense
the dialogue doesn't seem real. just doesn't seem like what would be said in the hallway of a high school
typo: 'geese' is 'jeez'
"runs down my veins" down should be through? or down my spine. i dont know
'to Nickelodeon on', missing some words. 'to see Nickelodeon is on', etc
1iRemedychapter 2
"I wake up from the same dream I have had for a week." could be "I wake up from the reoccurring dream I've had all week." just sounds a bit better
"white tea shirt" is white t-shirt"
"some jock with spiky hair said to his buddies as all of them laugh." 'said' should be 'says' due to being in present tense
the dialogue doesn't seem real. just doesn't seem like what would be said in the hallway of a high school
typo: 'geese' is 'jeez'
"runs down my veins" down should be through? or down my spine. i dont know
'to Nickelodeon on', missing some words. 'to see Nickelodeon is on', etc
3/2/2011 c1 iRemedy
first of all, the description for the chick was great, she sounds hot. haha
ok the biggest thing that sticks out to be is "I search myself for a weapon, anything." it might just be me, but a line like that just doesn't fit in with the rest of the setting you are creating. i suggest changing it to something like "i feel something in my pocket, but it's only my keys/keyring" or scrap the line completely.
"running blindingly" should be "running blindly"
also, if you hadn't already told me it was about an angel, i would have no idea he was an angel, not sure if that's intentional for the prologue or not
first of all, the description for the chick was great, she sounds hot. haha
ok the biggest thing that sticks out to be is "I search myself for a weapon, anything." it might just be me, but a line like that just doesn't fit in with the rest of the setting you are creating. i suggest changing it to something like "i feel something in my pocket, but it's only my keys/keyring" or scrap the line completely.
"running blindingly" should be "running blindly"
also, if you hadn't already told me it was about an angel, i would have no idea he was an angel, not sure if that's intentional for the prologue or not