for the bright side11/24/2011 c5 
4lookingwest
"Hey, it's Johnny-boy!" She says with a smirk. [Edit: formatted incorrectly, must un-capitalize "she", as it shouldn't be its own sentence, but part of the dialogue.]
Same dialogue problems that were happening in the second chapter, but since there wasn't time to correct anything, no problem, just want to kind of mention I'm seeing the same distractions and disjointed pace in the dialogue. Some of it was formatted correctly though, so that's an improvement, it just seemed to be half the time now, that it's wrong.
Well, after reading this whole chapter, I have to say that at the beginning, I didn't feel like there was any gap between this and Ch. 2-which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing, but it made reading chapters out of context better-at least until the very end. Had no clue who those characters were, of course, but it seems like you do a good job with the content of their dialogue and it seems like they have a good relationship so far, so I liked seeing that even if I didn't understand.
Good setting in this chapter, it was almost all exclusively on the book store, a tad short, but I visually saw everything really well and definitely enjoyed that!
4lookingwest"Hey, it's Johnny-boy!" She says with a smirk. [Edit: formatted incorrectly, must un-capitalize "she", as it shouldn't be its own sentence, but part of the dialogue.]
Same dialogue problems that were happening in the second chapter, but since there wasn't time to correct anything, no problem, just want to kind of mention I'm seeing the same distractions and disjointed pace in the dialogue. Some of it was formatted correctly though, so that's an improvement, it just seemed to be half the time now, that it's wrong.
Well, after reading this whole chapter, I have to say that at the beginning, I didn't feel like there was any gap between this and Ch. 2-which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing, but it made reading chapters out of context better-at least until the very end. Had no clue who those characters were, of course, but it seems like you do a good job with the content of their dialogue and it seems like they have a good relationship so far, so I liked seeing that even if I didn't understand.
Good setting in this chapter, it was almost all exclusively on the book store, a tad short, but I visually saw everything really well and definitely enjoyed that!
11/24/2011 c2 lookingwest
I get dressed myself and Greg is still in the kitchen when I get there. [Style: Awkwardly worded sentence, I think it either needs a comma after "myself" or just get rid of "myself" completely. The verbs "get" are a bit repetitive and overused too. I would get rid of at least one because they're weak verbs anyway, so instead: "I dress myself..." to strengthen that start.]
I keep my eyes on the ground as I get myself a bowl of cereal. [Edit: If you're inside a house or structure or anywhere, always remember the "ground" is the "floor"]
I never do;I'm just lucky... [Typo: needs another space after the semicolon]
"...my class as naptime." She says sternly,... [Edit: this is the incorrect way to format speaker tags and dialogue. As you have it now, they read as two separate sentence. Which means that if you read them that way, and just have "She says sternly..." on its own, that leaves the reader going: she said what sternly?. The way to fix this is to insert a comma instead of a period after "naptime", that connects the dialogue and the speaker tag in the correct grammar and combines them into one coherent sentence. Remember, because it is one sentence, "She" doesn't need to be capitalized either.]
The above dialogue error happens a lot in this chapter and I found it distracting, so I didn't like that, but it's something that can easily be fixed. For more details you can look in a favorite novel of yours or look it up online too, especially if I'm not making any sense :), but punctuating things correctly can mean the flow of the dialogue works better too, instead of it being choppy and stilted.
Everything within 12 feet of the TV is Greg's domain. [Style: If the number is under 100, always spell it out]
What I did like about this chapter was the beginning, it really caught my interest and made me want to continue with the story, so I liked your descriptions too. The violence, even if sometimes scary, does tend to grab a reader's attention and I like that you went right into that action.
I get dressed myself and Greg is still in the kitchen when I get there. [Style: Awkwardly worded sentence, I think it either needs a comma after "myself" or just get rid of "myself" completely. The verbs "get" are a bit repetitive and overused too. I would get rid of at least one because they're weak verbs anyway, so instead: "I dress myself..." to strengthen that start.]
I keep my eyes on the ground as I get myself a bowl of cereal. [Edit: If you're inside a house or structure or anywhere, always remember the "ground" is the "floor"]
I never do;I'm just lucky... [Typo: needs another space after the semicolon]
"...my class as naptime." She says sternly,... [Edit: this is the incorrect way to format speaker tags and dialogue. As you have it now, they read as two separate sentence. Which means that if you read them that way, and just have "She says sternly..." on its own, that leaves the reader going: she said what sternly?. The way to fix this is to insert a comma instead of a period after "naptime", that connects the dialogue and the speaker tag in the correct grammar and combines them into one coherent sentence. Remember, because it is one sentence, "She" doesn't need to be capitalized either.]
The above dialogue error happens a lot in this chapter and I found it distracting, so I didn't like that, but it's something that can easily be fixed. For more details you can look in a favorite novel of yours or look it up online too, especially if I'm not making any sense :), but punctuating things correctly can mean the flow of the dialogue works better too, instead of it being choppy and stilted.
Everything within 12 feet of the TV is Greg's domain. [Style: If the number is under 100, always spell it out]
What I did like about this chapter was the beginning, it really caught my interest and made me want to continue with the story, so I liked your descriptions too. The violence, even if sometimes scary, does tend to grab a reader's attention and I like that you went right into that action.
11/21/2011 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
This is indeed a very depressing story. I'm glad you address an issue that not many people have the heart or the guts to approach. Though, I do wonder how much abuse the human body can take. One would think if he's getting beaten every single day there would be long lasting side effects, but I suppose it depends on the extent of the beatings.
I have some technical corrections:
["I know, sir." I rasp, clutching my stomach. And god, do I know.]
Since you're leading into a speaker tag from dialogue, the period after 'sir' should be a comma. I notice you do this quite a few times; it's not a major issue, but it does mess with the flow of the dialogue. Keep in mind any action following a line of dialogue is led into with a period, but a speaker tag (I said, I asked, I demanded, ect. ect.) is lead into with a comma (unless, of course, the dialogue ends in an ! or ?).
["What happened to your face?" she asked raising an eyebrow.]
Also, you slipped into past tense here. Since the story is in present tense, 'asked' should be 'asks'. I think this was the only instance I noticed this.
I noticed you have a lot of sentences that start with 'I'. While this isn't incorrect in any way, it does become a bit repetitive. You might want to switch up the flow of your sentence structures to make the narrative generally more engaging and not as monotonous.
I thought that final comment Johnathan made at the end of the first chapter, about him killing his mother, was a nice incentive to keep the reader going. It'll be interesting to see how that all plays out - I'm curious to know what he did to kill her and if it was an accident. Glad you brought it up again at the beginning of this chapter, too.
5Dr. Self DestructThis is indeed a very depressing story. I'm glad you address an issue that not many people have the heart or the guts to approach. Though, I do wonder how much abuse the human body can take. One would think if he's getting beaten every single day there would be long lasting side effects, but I suppose it depends on the extent of the beatings.
I have some technical corrections:
["I know, sir." I rasp, clutching my stomach. And god, do I know.]
Since you're leading into a speaker tag from dialogue, the period after 'sir' should be a comma. I notice you do this quite a few times; it's not a major issue, but it does mess with the flow of the dialogue. Keep in mind any action following a line of dialogue is led into with a period, but a speaker tag (I said, I asked, I demanded, ect. ect.) is lead into with a comma (unless, of course, the dialogue ends in an ! or ?).
["What happened to your face?" she asked raising an eyebrow.]
Also, you slipped into past tense here. Since the story is in present tense, 'asked' should be 'asks'. I think this was the only instance I noticed this.
I noticed you have a lot of sentences that start with 'I'. While this isn't incorrect in any way, it does become a bit repetitive. You might want to switch up the flow of your sentence structures to make the narrative generally more engaging and not as monotonous.
I thought that final comment Johnathan made at the end of the first chapter, about him killing his mother, was a nice incentive to keep the reader going. It'll be interesting to see how that all plays out - I'm curious to know what he did to kill her and if it was an accident. Glad you brought it up again at the beginning of this chapter, too.
5/25/2011 c3 5thefaultinourpatronus
I like how consistent your tone of angst is. Sometimes, it's just so boring and drawn-out that you feel like pulling your hair. But not here; the narrator is actually interesting and his angst isn't just angst. It's angst with meaning. Good job(:
The relationship between Greg and Jonathan continues to develop. I like how so much can be said about them through narration, and not only through physical means because it gives us a clearer idea of what they're like, especially Greg.
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusI like how consistent your tone of angst is. Sometimes, it's just so boring and drawn-out that you feel like pulling your hair. But not here; the narrator is actually interesting and his angst isn't just angst. It's angst with meaning. Good job(:
The relationship between Greg and Jonathan continues to develop. I like how so much can be said about them through narration, and not only through physical means because it gives us a clearer idea of what they're like, especially Greg.
x mandy
4/8/2011 c1 4What Happens Now
I liked the beginning and accompanying paragraph, because you started with that one fact and branched it out into the rest of the background.
I was a little turned off by the beginning and length, although you certainly told a good amount of information, I don't think it's information that the reader essentially needs to know right now. Call me old fashioned but I always like to know the name of the character in the first chapter, so that I have a focusing point of my adoration or hatred. One way you could work that in would be by having the narrator's father call him by name. We don't know if he's the only other person in the house so calling him by name could show his father just picks on him.
4What Happens NowI liked the beginning and accompanying paragraph, because you started with that one fact and branched it out into the rest of the background.
I was a little turned off by the beginning and length, although you certainly told a good amount of information, I don't think it's information that the reader essentially needs to know right now. Call me old fashioned but I always like to know the name of the character in the first chapter, so that I have a focusing point of my adoration or hatred. One way you could work that in would be by having the narrator's father call him by name. We don't know if he's the only other person in the house so calling him by name could show his father just picks on him.
3/27/2011 c3 1Eiya Weathes
I like how Jonathan narrates. It's a bit blunt and straightforward. And though he states things like in a simple way, it still conveys a lot of emotion. It's like the blank tone works for the story in such way, it seems like it's part of the emotion.
I like the pacing in this story. You don't make it slow. It's kind of a moderate thing which is good because it keeps the boredom away.
- Review Game.
1Eiya WeathesI like how Jonathan narrates. It's a bit blunt and straightforward. And though he states things like in a simple way, it still conveys a lot of emotion. It's like the blank tone works for the story in such way, it seems like it's part of the emotion.
I like the pacing in this story. You don't make it slow. It's kind of a moderate thing which is good because it keeps the boredom away.
- Review Game.
3/13/2011 c2 5thefaultinourpatronus
I like Jonathan's sort of monotonous tone, the way he listlessly speaks about what happens to him. He shouldn't be used to something like that, but unfortunately, he is. What I don't like is how you little you touched on the mother's death! You mentioned it in the opening, but that was just my interpretation - that could've been about anything. Something like that is important for the plot, one would think.
5thefaultinourpatronusI like Jonathan's sort of monotonous tone, the way he listlessly speaks about what happens to him. He shouldn't be used to something like that, but unfortunately, he is. What I don't like is how you little you touched on the mother's death! You mentioned it in the opening, but that was just my interpretation - that could've been about anything. Something like that is important for the plot, one would think.
3/13/2011 c3 4Saran-Wrapped Daughter
I'm not one for angsty stories, but this one has reason for angst. You give details from all the five senses, which is excellent. Your spelling and grammar are impeccable, and your characters are as realistic as I can imagine, although I've never met anybody who has been abused. You portray that life wonderfully, as if Greg could snap at any moment. Excellent work.
4Saran-Wrapped DaughterI'm not one for angsty stories, but this one has reason for angst. You give details from all the five senses, which is excellent. Your spelling and grammar are impeccable, and your characters are as realistic as I can imagine, although I've never met anybody who has been abused. You portray that life wonderfully, as if Greg could snap at any moment. Excellent work.
3/12/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
I like your introduction in the story. Although I guessed Greg’s identity as the narrator’s father, I still find it neat that you introduced him as Greg first, thus weakening the parent-child relationship.
Also, I enjoyed the overall cynical tone of this piece. Beginning with the title, I think you’ve set a rather gloomy scene that is highlighted by such sarcasm. The ending was a total shocker—you’d think the narrator doesn’t seem like the average victim!
Great job!
~Merle
5WhirlymerleI like your introduction in the story. Although I guessed Greg’s identity as the narrator’s father, I still find it neat that you introduced him as Greg first, thus weakening the parent-child relationship.
Also, I enjoyed the overall cynical tone of this piece. Beginning with the title, I think you’ve set a rather gloomy scene that is highlighted by such sarcasm. The ending was a total shocker—you’d think the narrator doesn’t seem like the average victim!
Great job!
~Merle
3/10/2011 c2 18Peevxwm Vaj
"Sluggishly oozing" "slosh of bear": The diction here provides wonderful imagery. I love it.
Once again I think you came up with a really cool premise for the story - Obviously, it's not as fun as the post-apocalyptic adventure, but a good story is not always fun. I think the one part that sets this apartfrom the typical drunk dad story is the matricide (even if it's in Secret Life of Bees). It adds a dimension of guilt into the typical victim story, not to say that many don't experience guilt anyway.
18Peevxwm Vaj"Sluggishly oozing" "slosh of bear": The diction here provides wonderful imagery. I love it.
Once again I think you came up with a really cool premise for the story - Obviously, it's not as fun as the post-apocalyptic adventure, but a good story is not always fun. I think the one part that sets this apartfrom the typical drunk dad story is the matricide (even if it's in Secret Life of Bees). It adds a dimension of guilt into the typical victim story, not to say that many don't experience guilt anyway.
3/9/2011 c3 2dragonflydreamer
Another good chapter. I like that you're branching out a little bit into Jonathan's life outside of his home. I can really see his insecurities with talking to other people, especially by way of addressing everyone as "ma'am" or "sir." I wonder how he'll interact with people his own age.
I really like dreadlock chick, haha. We don't know too much about her, but she seems like a lot of people I know. I don't know if she has a use in the story again, but I'd be happy to see her developed.
I'm a little torn about the randomness that comes with Greg's actions. By that, I mean why he signs the paper without question, but goes off about other little things. As long as you make it a real part of his personality to swing so far both ways, it'll be very effective. Just make sure not to let that slip by without proper attention in the writing.
I like the ending lines. Great way to show their relationship nonverbally.
Good luck with the rest of this! There's a lot of directions you could take this in. I'll probably check in again if/when you update.
2dragonflydreamerAnother good chapter. I like that you're branching out a little bit into Jonathan's life outside of his home. I can really see his insecurities with talking to other people, especially by way of addressing everyone as "ma'am" or "sir." I wonder how he'll interact with people his own age.
I really like dreadlock chick, haha. We don't know too much about her, but she seems like a lot of people I know. I don't know if she has a use in the story again, but I'd be happy to see her developed.
I'm a little torn about the randomness that comes with Greg's actions. By that, I mean why he signs the paper without question, but goes off about other little things. As long as you make it a real part of his personality to swing so far both ways, it'll be very effective. Just make sure not to let that slip by without proper attention in the writing.
I like the ending lines. Great way to show their relationship nonverbally.
Good luck with the rest of this! There's a lot of directions you could take this in. I'll probably check in again if/when you update.
3/9/2011 c2 dragonflydreamer
This looks like an interesting foundation for a story. You have a good writing style-it's not overly descriptive, but it's very solid. I can get a clear picture of what's going on, how the characters are feeling, and the wording/syntax is smooth enough to be unobtrusive as I'm reading. There are some places, though, that you give it a little extra with Jonathan's voice. It's places like "like he can't stand to see my disgusting face after" that, even though he's talking from the point of view of his father, you can tell that all the insults are really damaging his self esteem. try to bring this type of personality out more in your writing, because I can tell you're capable.
Plot-wise, I think Sercus Kaynine said all that I would. You have a great emotional foundation with his situation, but I hope it's not an entirely internal struggle that he has. Finding out why he killed his mother is of course the main plot point, but be sure to weave it in with another subplot or two to complicate the struggle.
Quick grammatical note. In dialogue like this:
"You fucking deserve it." He repeats.
If the dialogue tag isn't a full sentence, the period in the quotation marks becomes a comma, and the first letter outside is lowercase.
"You fucking deserve it," he repeats.
I think that's about all for now. This seems like a solid start and I can tell that you have a real talent for writing. Just keep in mind to bring out that little something extra to make sure your story stands out in people's minds.
This looks like an interesting foundation for a story. You have a good writing style-it's not overly descriptive, but it's very solid. I can get a clear picture of what's going on, how the characters are feeling, and the wording/syntax is smooth enough to be unobtrusive as I'm reading. There are some places, though, that you give it a little extra with Jonathan's voice. It's places like "like he can't stand to see my disgusting face after" that, even though he's talking from the point of view of his father, you can tell that all the insults are really damaging his self esteem. try to bring this type of personality out more in your writing, because I can tell you're capable.
Plot-wise, I think Sercus Kaynine said all that I would. You have a great emotional foundation with his situation, but I hope it's not an entirely internal struggle that he has. Finding out why he killed his mother is of course the main plot point, but be sure to weave it in with another subplot or two to complicate the struggle.
Quick grammatical note. In dialogue like this:
"You fucking deserve it." He repeats.
If the dialogue tag isn't a full sentence, the period in the quotation marks becomes a comma, and the first letter outside is lowercase.
"You fucking deserve it," he repeats.
I think that's about all for now. This seems like a solid start and I can tell that you have a real talent for writing. Just keep in mind to bring out that little something extra to make sure your story stands out in people's minds.
3/9/2011 c3 7flyingpencil
I'm not used to angst stories, I usually avoid them but this is very well written and I enjoyed it, I had a hard time knowing if the narrator was a guy or a girl but I thought it was logical it's a guy. It's an interresting story, I'll be following.
7flyingpencilI'm not used to angst stories, I usually avoid them but this is very well written and I enjoyed it, I had a hard time knowing if the narrator was a guy or a girl but I thought it was logical it's a guy. It's an interresting story, I'll be following.
3/9/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Wow, what an ending! That last line was really great, it was like the final punch to an already-great chapter. It definitely got me hooked and I'd love to read more! There are a few numbers that could be spelled out, which lookingwest of course already mentioned! I think this is a pretty good chapter for a prologue. It's just the right mix of history and background of the character to make the readers want more. Also the information of his father and brother was nicely done. Great start!
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusWow, what an ending! That last line was really great, it was like the final punch to an already-great chapter. It definitely got me hooked and I'd love to read more! There are a few numbers that could be spelled out, which lookingwest of course already mentioned! I think this is a pretty good chapter for a prologue. It's just the right mix of history and background of the character to make the readers want more. Also the information of his father and brother was nicely done. Great start!
x mandy
3/8/2011 c2 21Sercus Kaynine
I loved your writing style throughout this piece. Your word choice and Jonathan's voice made it easy to fall into the piece. The almost listless tone worked well for you. It's the kind of writing where you almost forget you're reading, ya know?
A thing that could be improved on could be plot and depth. Like, what's going to happen in this story? I mean, what is it about? Just Jonathan being miserable? It'd be nice if I knew more about him because he could be pretty much anyone at this point. What does he like to do? For that matter, what about some other characters? There have to be characters for conflict. I suppose the biggest question would be why did he kill his mother since that's what the story is supposedly about. Point being, you have a situation, writing style, and character that you can do whatever you want with and it'd be interesting to see something other than a day in his life.
Not that I didn't like the story. I just need a reason to like Jonathan, and I need something to happen.
Good job and good luck with this!
21Sercus KaynineI loved your writing style throughout this piece. Your word choice and Jonathan's voice made it easy to fall into the piece. The almost listless tone worked well for you. It's the kind of writing where you almost forget you're reading, ya know?
A thing that could be improved on could be plot and depth. Like, what's going to happen in this story? I mean, what is it about? Just Jonathan being miserable? It'd be nice if I knew more about him because he could be pretty much anyone at this point. What does he like to do? For that matter, what about some other characters? There have to be characters for conflict. I suppose the biggest question would be why did he kill his mother since that's what the story is supposedly about. Point being, you have a situation, writing style, and character that you can do whatever you want with and it'd be interesting to see something other than a day in his life.
Not that I didn't like the story. I just need a reason to like Jonathan, and I need something to happen.
Good job and good luck with this!