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for Winding Road

3/10/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
I actually thought this could take place in maybe an India society? With dowry, excited relatives, gossiping neighbors, the cricket matches... It seemed like the perfect Indian environment.

I think the only thing about this that I didn't really like was the sudden usage of 'Maya''s name. Small thing really, but yeah.

I like how you connected things from the beginning to the end: the shawl ( the same shawl I had gifted to you on our wedding day ) and the atmosphere ( careless banter, anguish, despair and gossip ).

Really great job. I enjoyed the flow from how they were happy to not. I didn't think it was sudden, it flowed really well and made sense. Overall lovely work (:

x mandy
3/9/2011 c1 46aberlemno
This was very romantic and sad...

I liked the way in which you described the reactions of the village to the marriage announcement at the start, then came back to their more negative reactions at the end. It framed the story nicely and added to the sense of circularity that you alluded to in the text.

Your writing style as a whole was quite poetic, which added to the romance- even though the narrator says he was never "wordy about the way I felt," you can tell he has a very poetic hidden side. There does seem to be a distance between his deeper emotions, which are described in the story, and the way he actually acted in his life, which you captured well.
3/7/2011 c1 Superslow Jellyfish
"But, you had your bags packed and your hair neatly pulled into a bun with a shawl wrapped around your shoulders, the same shawl I had gifted to you on our wedding day. Your eyes were vacant and your expression deadpan." -ninth degree burn, I liked how you described the shawl he bought her was the one she left him with.

Overall, this was really depressing. I've don't know much about the arranged marriage process or ever really met anyone who had to go through that, but the beginning sounds as idealistic as it could possibly be...And then the downward spiral commences. I guess this shows worst-case scenario, or a possible bad case when it comes to marriage. I liked how the narrator wasn't so blaming on Maya, since he regarded his flaws, as well.

Thanks for reviewing GT, hope you continue with it!
3/6/2011 c1 this wild abyss
Writing) You wrote this very well, though I thought a little more variety would have made the smoothness better. All of the paragraphs and sentences felt like they were the same length, and that lack of variety made this hard to wade through. Some sorter paragraphs and choppier sentences would have helped to break things up a bit.

Ending) I wasn't particularly fond of the ending. The poem didn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece. I saw this as being a more prosey style, but then the poem threw things off, and raised more questions instead of ending things in a good, solid conclusion.

Characters) It was sort of hard to empathize with these characters because you never really explained what they were like. You told us what they did and what they looked like, and you wrote in first person to give readers a glimpse into the narrator's mind. Even so, I didn't feel any sort of connection with the characters or their plight.

Enjoyment) Overall, I thought this was okay. It wasn't fantastic, but it was well-written and achieved it's purpose. I just feel that if you made it more personal and maybe included some scenes from the marriage it might be more interesting.
3/6/2011 c1 12Annabel H. Wilde
I like the plot because it's very realistic; because all relationships cannot be as wonderful as anyone hopes. I slightly dislike the way the story flows; there could have been more elaboration regarding it's evolution from good to bad. The way it is now seems somewhat abrupt. All in all, though, a wonderful story.
3/3/2011 c1 10jeepers09
That was lovely.
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