for School of Seduction8/3/2011 c9 Star'in'da'Sky
WOW. Nice chapter. :)
In the beginning you were telling a little more than showing, but towards the middle and ending it became much better.
You are really talented. ... Why don't you write a book? ;)
WOW. Nice chapter. :)
In the beginning you were telling a little more than showing, but towards the middle and ending it became much better.
You are really talented. ... Why don't you write a book? ;)
8/3/2011 c8 Star'in'da'Sky
WOW! You are sooo talented!
I really loved this chapter! It was extra long, but also extra good! :D
You made a small grammar mistake at the end though.
where it says:
"Alright," he conceded. Melissa learned that his favorite color was orange, his favorite food was Chinese food, and many other things along those lines. She learned about his basketball career before he got 'chosen' by the Academy and how he had gotten scholarships so quickly for both basketball and track and field along with Ray and Timmy. He told her how the three friends met and when Chase had come into the picture. As he talked, Melissa realized he talked very little about his family life except for an aunt and an uncle and a cousin. She decided not to push it, though. He would talk to her when he was ready. At least, she hoped her would
The last sentence: At least, she hoped HER would.
Other than that, simply amazing!
Fan N*1 !
Lizzy.
WOW! You are sooo talented!
I really loved this chapter! It was extra long, but also extra good! :D
You made a small grammar mistake at the end though.
where it says:
"Alright," he conceded. Melissa learned that his favorite color was orange, his favorite food was Chinese food, and many other things along those lines. She learned about his basketball career before he got 'chosen' by the Academy and how he had gotten scholarships so quickly for both basketball and track and field along with Ray and Timmy. He told her how the three friends met and when Chase had come into the picture. As he talked, Melissa realized he talked very little about his family life except for an aunt and an uncle and a cousin. She decided not to push it, though. He would talk to her when he was ready. At least, she hoped her would
The last sentence: At least, she hoped HER would.
Other than that, simply amazing!
Fan N*1 !
Lizzy.
6/10/2011 c9 Guest
You caught me! I was just about to turn the computer off and my inbox lit up. :D I even logged out of FP, caught me unsigned again with reviews.
Anyway, I gave this a read and I'm impressed by Ray, Timmy, and Brandon's exchange at the later part of this chapter. I doubt I mentioned before yet how happy I am to see realistic male dialouge. Guys tend to be a lot less wordy than us girls and plus each character has his own kind of mannerisms and speech patterns as the story moves along in which I am starting to pick up and notice.
Okays, now I seriously must go to bed before I pass out and the animals eat me alive.
Thanks for this update~
You caught me! I was just about to turn the computer off and my inbox lit up. :D I even logged out of FP, caught me unsigned again with reviews.
Anyway, I gave this a read and I'm impressed by Ray, Timmy, and Brandon's exchange at the later part of this chapter. I doubt I mentioned before yet how happy I am to see realistic male dialouge. Guys tend to be a lot less wordy than us girls and plus each character has his own kind of mannerisms and speech patterns as the story moves along in which I am starting to pick up and notice.
Okays, now I seriously must go to bed before I pass out and the animals eat me alive.
Thanks for this update~
5/27/2011 c8 pj
6'6? My goodness that is tall. I will say the kiss was adorable. I sense that alot more is in store for these characters. Getting revenge and such. :D Anyways, I am glad I got a chance to read. Your chapters are short, and I actually perfer it that way. I feel that when writers write long chapters they sometimes drag on. (Plus, the more chapters, the more potenial readers!) So yeah, don't worry too much about writing long chapters because as long as they aren't the size and scope of flash fiction it should be fine. Anyways, update soon. :)-theoneandonlypj
6'6? My goodness that is tall. I will say the kiss was adorable. I sense that alot more is in store for these characters. Getting revenge and such. :D Anyways, I am glad I got a chance to read. Your chapters are short, and I actually perfer it that way. I feel that when writers write long chapters they sometimes drag on. (Plus, the more chapters, the more potenial readers!) So yeah, don't worry too much about writing long chapters because as long as they aren't the size and scope of flash fiction it should be fine. Anyways, update soon. :)-theoneandonlypj
5/27/2011 c6 pj
Just have one little thing to point out. Melissa comments on the phones, saying it switchs from 3G all the way up to 8G. The "G" stands for generation and does not mean it is any faster or stronger in singal. Right now we are up to "4G" (however most areas and providors are 3G)in the U.S. at least. (I can't say how other countries do it.) This was just a small technical detail, I just thought I should point it out. Other than that, I like your writing style. For some reason Mel is a bit of a pain in terms of her character. I wish she was stronger, but that is just her personality I guess. Anyways, off to read the rest.
Just have one little thing to point out. Melissa comments on the phones, saying it switchs from 3G all the way up to 8G. The "G" stands for generation and does not mean it is any faster or stronger in singal. Right now we are up to "4G" (however most areas and providors are 3G)in the U.S. at least. (I can't say how other countries do it.) This was just a small technical detail, I just thought I should point it out. Other than that, I like your writing style. For some reason Mel is a bit of a pain in terms of her character. I wish she was stronger, but that is just her personality I guess. Anyways, off to read the rest.
5/15/2011 c8 SummerLover
Yay! They kissed! I coudln't wait for this moment! FInally!
Yay! They kissed! I coudln't wait for this moment! FInally!
5/11/2011 c8 
8Dreamerofthesky
Thanks for the extra long chapter! :)
This chapter I enjoyed. It was cute. I love Timmy and Ray they are so adorable! :) haha o that was a great ending! I see how you put that part about the revenge in this chapter other than when you had it in...what was it chapter 5? Anyway I like it like this better!
Only mistake I noticed was the part: "Relax," Morgan laughed. "We just want to some girl time. "You understand that, right?" The boys nodded, mumbling something under their breaths.
It was just the extra ", Before 'You'. I know you like to know those small mistakes! So I made sure to remember to tell you! ;)
8DreameroftheskyThanks for the extra long chapter! :)
This chapter I enjoyed. It was cute. I love Timmy and Ray they are so adorable! :) haha o that was a great ending! I see how you put that part about the revenge in this chapter other than when you had it in...what was it chapter 5? Anyway I like it like this better!
Only mistake I noticed was the part: "Relax," Morgan laughed. "We just want to some girl time. "You understand that, right?" The boys nodded, mumbling something under their breaths.
It was just the extra ", Before 'You'. I know you like to know those small mistakes! So I made sure to remember to tell you! ;)
5/6/2011 c7 TheFirstLostGirl1987
Great chapter can't wait to read more.
Great chapter can't wait to read more.
5/1/2011 c6 8Dreamerofthesky
Like you said this chapter was a filler and it was. Nothing really happened that much but it was sweet how Brandon comforted her. :) I know Mel was crying at the end because of Blaze but I don't think she would be crying a lot about it. I thought it was a mixture of everything that has happened...? Anyway nice chapter! :)
8DreameroftheskyLike you said this chapter was a filler and it was. Nothing really happened that much but it was sweet how Brandon comforted her. :) I know Mel was crying at the end because of Blaze but I don't think she would be crying a lot about it. I thought it was a mixture of everything that has happened...? Anyway nice chapter! :)
4/9/2011 c5 8Dreamerofthesky
I really like your new version four chapter a lot more then the old one! Bravo! :) haha Well this story seems to being getting more intersting. :) Of course there were tiny little errors here and there, but not that many! :)
8DreameroftheskyI really like your new version four chapter a lot more then the old one! Bravo! :) haha Well this story seems to being getting more intersting. :) Of course there were tiny little errors here and there, but not that many! :)
4/9/2011 c5 LostGirlVampire
I love it. I like the way the characters develop over the chapters can't wait to read more.
I love it. I like the way the characters develop over the chapters can't wait to read more.