for Gossip, Set, and Match5/6/2013 c12 
4ellision
the email from emily is adorable. that would make an interesting story, too. i think there was a story that took place in middle school on FP once upon a time, but it was taken down in because of plagiarism fiasco that happened in like 2009. woah. that was a long time ago.
i don't think this is going to work. i'm with reese on this one. mackie's gone crazy, which is also fun to read.
i wasn't expecting reese to help. i can't help but wonder if he has other motives that we aren't currently aware of because from earlier in the chapter, he really sounded like he wasn't going to help. very interesting. i enjoyed the locker scene, and the cliff hanger would be awful if i didn't have like, 17 more chapters to read until i'm caught up.
4ellisionthe email from emily is adorable. that would make an interesting story, too. i think there was a story that took place in middle school on FP once upon a time, but it was taken down in because of plagiarism fiasco that happened in like 2009. woah. that was a long time ago.
i don't think this is going to work. i'm with reese on this one. mackie's gone crazy, which is also fun to read.
i wasn't expecting reese to help. i can't help but wonder if he has other motives that we aren't currently aware of because from earlier in the chapter, he really sounded like he wasn't going to help. very interesting. i enjoyed the locker scene, and the cliff hanger would be awful if i didn't have like, 17 more chapters to read until i'm caught up.
5/6/2013 c11 ellision
mean girls moment. 'THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.' and then cady wins everything and breaks up the crown and shares it after the mathletes tournament.
FLETCHER RHYMES WITH CATCHER. (ignore me.)
that moment with emily where mackie tells her who she is was well done. good way to win over the kid. though i kept forgetting that emily is a kid. maybe it was because of the outfit she's wearing. perhaps mentioning that she looked older for her age or something like that would help? also, i'm not sure about 12-year-olds curling their hair, but that's probably because i didn't do anything to my hair until i turned 20. haha.
another good chapter. going onto the next one. again.
mean girls moment. 'THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.' and then cady wins everything and breaks up the crown and shares it after the mathletes tournament.
FLETCHER RHYMES WITH CATCHER. (ignore me.)
that moment with emily where mackie tells her who she is was well done. good way to win over the kid. though i kept forgetting that emily is a kid. maybe it was because of the outfit she's wearing. perhaps mentioning that she looked older for her age or something like that would help? also, i'm not sure about 12-year-olds curling their hair, but that's probably because i didn't do anything to my hair until i turned 20. haha.
another good chapter. going onto the next one. again.
5/6/2013 c10 ellision
oh. that's hilarious that he's emailing her with places to meet him at. priceless. i laughed aloud at that one and i haven't laughed aloud at an FP story since myrika.
i just realized we haven't even hit the date auction yet. the whole story has revolved around it thus far and we haven't even seen it yet. that's rather exciting and kind of strange to me because i feel like this is moving fast because i'm enjoying it. really, it's going pretty slow and my perception is just off. good job of that!
"Look these over, and fill out you date plans on the bottom." here, 'you' should be 'your'.
i think i sense something amiss with cristine. i know she gave the first tip, but something just seems off… i'm really curious. must read more, then, right?
oh. that's hilarious that he's emailing her with places to meet him at. priceless. i laughed aloud at that one and i haven't laughed aloud at an FP story since myrika.
i just realized we haven't even hit the date auction yet. the whole story has revolved around it thus far and we haven't even seen it yet. that's rather exciting and kind of strange to me because i feel like this is moving fast because i'm enjoying it. really, it's going pretty slow and my perception is just off. good job of that!
"Look these over, and fill out you date plans on the bottom." here, 'you' should be 'your'.
i think i sense something amiss with cristine. i know she gave the first tip, but something just seems off… i'm really curious. must read more, then, right?
5/6/2013 c9 ellision
i'm really excited to see what happens now that reese knows. it's refreshing to see how he reacted, especially since in similar stories (mostly ones with the same plot line that i've mentioned in previous reviews) the girl loses everything when someone finds out. this is a twist in the plots i've read in the past and i'm very interested to see what happens next because of it.
i never thought of mackie that way-maddie makes a really good point. knowing everything about everyone and not having them know it would turn you into a kind of loner. i can't imagine looking at someone and knowing who they have a crush on and not being able to say anything because my secret is more important. that's very interesting. more on this later, i think.
"'No, but he said I was magical,'I bursted." here, i think you mean 'burst' instead of 'bursted'. it's already in past tense. also, speaking of tf catcher, a thought just hit me. what if it's the girls who are trying to figure out who she really is? wow. this is going to be interesting. i never thought of that before this review. things just happen i guess. can't wait to see though!
you don't call before 11am on sunday morning. NEVER. it's sunday. the time for sleeping in late after a late night of whatever as a 'street youth', as put by new girl. i'm done now.
man, i wasn't expecting that at all. i really had no idea what to expect from reese, but that was not it. i'm definitely hooked even more than i was before and you'll probably get another review from me shortly. this is getting better and better. sorry i'm not sorry for flooding your inbox to tell you that.
i'm really excited to see what happens now that reese knows. it's refreshing to see how he reacted, especially since in similar stories (mostly ones with the same plot line that i've mentioned in previous reviews) the girl loses everything when someone finds out. this is a twist in the plots i've read in the past and i'm very interested to see what happens next because of it.
i never thought of mackie that way-maddie makes a really good point. knowing everything about everyone and not having them know it would turn you into a kind of loner. i can't imagine looking at someone and knowing who they have a crush on and not being able to say anything because my secret is more important. that's very interesting. more on this later, i think.
"'No, but he said I was magical,'I bursted." here, i think you mean 'burst' instead of 'bursted'. it's already in past tense. also, speaking of tf catcher, a thought just hit me. what if it's the girls who are trying to figure out who she really is? wow. this is going to be interesting. i never thought of that before this review. things just happen i guess. can't wait to see though!
you don't call before 11am on sunday morning. NEVER. it's sunday. the time for sleeping in late after a late night of whatever as a 'street youth', as put by new girl. i'm done now.
man, i wasn't expecting that at all. i really had no idea what to expect from reese, but that was not it. i'm definitely hooked even more than i was before and you'll probably get another review from me shortly. this is getting better and better. sorry i'm not sorry for flooding your inbox to tell you that.
5/6/2013 c8 ellision
one more today!
i was not expecting that ending. this is great. i haven't even stopped reading to comment because this chapter had me so enthralled. maybe more reviews for today. can't stop reading now, can i?
one more today!
i was not expecting that ending. this is great. i haven't even stopped reading to comment because this chapter had me so enthralled. maybe more reviews for today. can't stop reading now, can i?
5/6/2013 c7 ellision
back again! jumping right into this one.
"I was down to the last of the pictures I needed for the date auction bios, and Vince decides to give me a hard time." here, 'decides' should be 'decided', just in keeping with the tense. it's natural to want to say 'decides', but since everything is in past, you would want that to be in past, too.
cassie is adorable. all of these people are adorable. i'm looking forward to finding real fault within the characters-things have to break down a bit, right? because that's when we really get to know them.
ashley is making some trouble. definitely wondering where this is going to go.
zach is an interesting character. i forgot he existed though between the mandy, drew, and reese stuff. some times high school stories get out of hand with how many characters there are. you do a fairly good job of keeping everyone straight for us.
I'm a little confused as to where this third part of the chapter is coming from at first. i don't really remember the info about ashley and angela, and what ashley could be trying to pull out of angela. other than interviewing her for FG is, but at the same time, i don't remember this story coming up in previous chapters at all. it might just be the island air that i've been breathing in, or it might need to be made a bit more prominent when this part of the story is introduced in previous chapters.
i'm not sure how realistic it is for mackie to be working without supervision. or alone. even adding in one line about avoiding a coworker would help with that.
great chapter. and the plot thickens. can't wait for the next chapter. the final lines of this one really set up some tension, which i think could be really interesting later in the story.
back again! jumping right into this one.
"I was down to the last of the pictures I needed for the date auction bios, and Vince decides to give me a hard time." here, 'decides' should be 'decided', just in keeping with the tense. it's natural to want to say 'decides', but since everything is in past, you would want that to be in past, too.
cassie is adorable. all of these people are adorable. i'm looking forward to finding real fault within the characters-things have to break down a bit, right? because that's when we really get to know them.
ashley is making some trouble. definitely wondering where this is going to go.
zach is an interesting character. i forgot he existed though between the mandy, drew, and reese stuff. some times high school stories get out of hand with how many characters there are. you do a fairly good job of keeping everyone straight for us.
I'm a little confused as to where this third part of the chapter is coming from at first. i don't really remember the info about ashley and angela, and what ashley could be trying to pull out of angela. other than interviewing her for FG is, but at the same time, i don't remember this story coming up in previous chapters at all. it might just be the island air that i've been breathing in, or it might need to be made a bit more prominent when this part of the story is introduced in previous chapters.
i'm not sure how realistic it is for mackie to be working without supervision. or alone. even adding in one line about avoiding a coworker would help with that.
great chapter. and the plot thickens. can't wait for the next chapter. the final lines of this one really set up some tension, which i think could be really interesting later in the story.
5/6/2013 c6 ellision
I"M BACK. i was on vacation all weekend so that's why you didn't get any reviews. go to ibiza, spain, if you ever get the chance. most beautiful place i've seen in a long time. super excited for this chapter. i missed having internet, even though it was refreshing to not have it for three days.
"For all the hair I'm pretty sure I've already lost thanks to all my mishaps, I had to at least see this through." this sentence feels a bit awkward for me. i think it's because the first clause of the sentence sounds a bit weird by using 'thanks' as a connective. i think 'because of' or 'due to' would work better, but that's just a suggestion.
reese is helping her. that's so great. LUNCH. god, some times i miss high school where these kinds of things can happen. university is a bit different. but it's still great. haha. that being said, i just wanted to say that this is very believable, which is a good thing. i feel like i'm there beside the characters for the most part. the only problem i have with the writing is that some times it feels a little TOO real-like mackie is just spitting her thoughts out without realizing how she's saying them, based on syntax. my main example are the things i've mentioned before, like the one above. it's not a problem. but if you're looking to improve your writing style, i would go back and take a look at more of those kinds of awkward phrasing. you're doing really well so far. i just want to see you get better.
For example, we don't really need to know the name of the lunch lady, even though that tells us something about mackie. the way that you have it set up right there with her name introduced last is also a bit awkward. it would read a bit more fluid if it read, "I requested from Debbie, the lunch lady." putting debbie's name first makes it more important than the fact that she's the lunch lady. it makes her a person first, which is what i think mackie wants when she tells us her name at all, if that makes sense.
"I said to fill the silence the fell between us." here, 'the' should be 'that'.
"That mere though made me grin." here, 'though' should be 'thought'. and that's adorable.
the whole chapter was really great. it made me smile and i was super happy to feel closer to the characters. until next time!
I"M BACK. i was on vacation all weekend so that's why you didn't get any reviews. go to ibiza, spain, if you ever get the chance. most beautiful place i've seen in a long time. super excited for this chapter. i missed having internet, even though it was refreshing to not have it for three days.
"For all the hair I'm pretty sure I've already lost thanks to all my mishaps, I had to at least see this through." this sentence feels a bit awkward for me. i think it's because the first clause of the sentence sounds a bit weird by using 'thanks' as a connective. i think 'because of' or 'due to' would work better, but that's just a suggestion.
reese is helping her. that's so great. LUNCH. god, some times i miss high school where these kinds of things can happen. university is a bit different. but it's still great. haha. that being said, i just wanted to say that this is very believable, which is a good thing. i feel like i'm there beside the characters for the most part. the only problem i have with the writing is that some times it feels a little TOO real-like mackie is just spitting her thoughts out without realizing how she's saying them, based on syntax. my main example are the things i've mentioned before, like the one above. it's not a problem. but if you're looking to improve your writing style, i would go back and take a look at more of those kinds of awkward phrasing. you're doing really well so far. i just want to see you get better.
For example, we don't really need to know the name of the lunch lady, even though that tells us something about mackie. the way that you have it set up right there with her name introduced last is also a bit awkward. it would read a bit more fluid if it read, "I requested from Debbie, the lunch lady." putting debbie's name first makes it more important than the fact that she's the lunch lady. it makes her a person first, which is what i think mackie wants when she tells us her name at all, if that makes sense.
"I said to fill the silence the fell between us." here, 'the' should be 'that'.
"That mere though made me grin." here, 'though' should be 'thought'. and that's adorable.
the whole chapter was really great. it made me smile and i was super happy to feel closer to the characters. until next time!
5/1/2013 c5 ellision
i'm back. two chapters in two days. i'm on a roll for a bit. and that's really good advice in the opening email. totally true. if you just are like, well, i'm a kluz, it suddenly becomes endearing rather than weird or embarrassing.
in the opening line of the chapter, you are missing a space between the ending dialog tag and the 'I'. and i totally forgot i left mackie locked in closet at the end of last chapter. and of course, reese is the one to find her. :D yes.
"The question brought me back to reality as my eyes quickly snapped towards the source of the question and my bright red hands quickly stuffed themselves into my pockets." here, it sounds a bit weird to say that hands stuff themselves somewhere because it lends the idea that they are disembodied. instead, i would just say something like 'i then stuffed my red hands in my pockets' or something like that. much more fluid, especially with how complicated the sentence is already.
"Or even the Mr. Kinsen, the school principle, who would either buy my cover story or just assign me detention? " here, it sounds a bit weird with 'the' in front of 'Mr. Kinsen', when it's more important that it comes before 'school principle', as it already does. i think that you should delete it based on fluidity again.
i can't wait to see what happens when mackie goes back to school on monday. it could be a disaster or it could work perfectly.
i like how down she is about kind of getting caught with the posters. it shows she's really secretive about her antics and is very protective of her other identity, even though the posters really don't give that away at all. it also shows she is afraid of mandy. haha. i'd be afraid of her, too.
and now i want ice cream.
YES REESE AND DREW. also, i think it's pretty adorable that these kids are bowling. i remember doing some bowling during my later high school years, but it wasn't exactly sober bowling. it's refreshing to read about sober fun. i don't often find myself having too much of it because my friends don't always believe in it like i do. and none really likes being the sober one aside from when you're being the DD.
just a general suggestion for general writing improvement: sometimes you get really wordy when it's as simple as picking another verb. for example. in this chapter, you write "As the guys got their shoe rentals…". here, it would be so much more simple to just say 'As the guys rented shoes…'. it makes everything just more fluid. yay fluidity. i guess that's what i'm on about today.
also, i think that the bit about matt not being basketball material is contradictory to him being the previous team captan without offering up enough evidence as to why he held the position. it sounds to me that rather than just love the sport to death, he worked hardest on the court no matter what and that's what got him in the spot rather than sheer skill level.
i know two people named drew. and they are both super similar to your character. i've decided it's a function of being named 'drew'.
the exchange between reese and mackie was great. you're pretty good with making the dialog feel extremely natural.
i wouldn't call this chapter filler. i think it was more of fun. there's something comforting in reading 'filler' because it kind of reminds you that everyone is human, even the characters that you've created. it's like spending time with the characters in a fun situation. it was a good read.
until next time!
i'm back. two chapters in two days. i'm on a roll for a bit. and that's really good advice in the opening email. totally true. if you just are like, well, i'm a kluz, it suddenly becomes endearing rather than weird or embarrassing.
in the opening line of the chapter, you are missing a space between the ending dialog tag and the 'I'. and i totally forgot i left mackie locked in closet at the end of last chapter. and of course, reese is the one to find her. :D yes.
"The question brought me back to reality as my eyes quickly snapped towards the source of the question and my bright red hands quickly stuffed themselves into my pockets." here, it sounds a bit weird to say that hands stuff themselves somewhere because it lends the idea that they are disembodied. instead, i would just say something like 'i then stuffed my red hands in my pockets' or something like that. much more fluid, especially with how complicated the sentence is already.
"Or even the Mr. Kinsen, the school principle, who would either buy my cover story or just assign me detention? " here, it sounds a bit weird with 'the' in front of 'Mr. Kinsen', when it's more important that it comes before 'school principle', as it already does. i think that you should delete it based on fluidity again.
i can't wait to see what happens when mackie goes back to school on monday. it could be a disaster or it could work perfectly.
i like how down she is about kind of getting caught with the posters. it shows she's really secretive about her antics and is very protective of her other identity, even though the posters really don't give that away at all. it also shows she is afraid of mandy. haha. i'd be afraid of her, too.
and now i want ice cream.
YES REESE AND DREW. also, i think it's pretty adorable that these kids are bowling. i remember doing some bowling during my later high school years, but it wasn't exactly sober bowling. it's refreshing to read about sober fun. i don't often find myself having too much of it because my friends don't always believe in it like i do. and none really likes being the sober one aside from when you're being the DD.
just a general suggestion for general writing improvement: sometimes you get really wordy when it's as simple as picking another verb. for example. in this chapter, you write "As the guys got their shoe rentals…". here, it would be so much more simple to just say 'As the guys rented shoes…'. it makes everything just more fluid. yay fluidity. i guess that's what i'm on about today.
also, i think that the bit about matt not being basketball material is contradictory to him being the previous team captan without offering up enough evidence as to why he held the position. it sounds to me that rather than just love the sport to death, he worked hardest on the court no matter what and that's what got him in the spot rather than sheer skill level.
i know two people named drew. and they are both super similar to your character. i've decided it's a function of being named 'drew'.
the exchange between reese and mackie was great. you're pretty good with making the dialog feel extremely natural.
i wouldn't call this chapter filler. i think it was more of fun. there's something comforting in reading 'filler' because it kind of reminds you that everyone is human, even the characters that you've created. it's like spending time with the characters in a fun situation. it was a good read.
until next time!
4/30/2013 c4 ellision
i know it's been a while again, but i was traveling without my computer and then i got really sick. i'm still pretty sick but at least have a brain again to do some work other than school. also, on being abroad. reading stuff set in the states (or a states-like-setting because of the high school stuff) makes me miss home. haha. mostly the mention of random foods that don't exist on this side of the pond, and good old american fun, which you can't have here without be stared at and judged for being american. i have now realized that as the daughter of immigrants, i don't have a place on either continent, and i'm totally cool with that.
i always forget how much happens in one of your chapters. i miss the days when i could write like that. haha.
"You were the one that insisted it being this early," here, the 'being' should be 'be'. later in this same paragraph, you use the word 'so' twice within the same sentence. i would cut out the one that begins this sentence and leave in the connector later.
donuts. do not exist on in the same way on the iberian peninsula. i can't wait to see them in a month. haha. this is what i get from stories now. a lot of why am i not states side, eating donuts? as for how they work in the story, i think they work pretty well. food usually does bring people together as it's a commonality that all humans share. we gotta eat.
"I just shrugged. 'I have to admit, this whole project is actually fun. I should have joined Throp Club before this,' I answered honestly." here you don't need to include the 'honestly' at the end because you have her say 'i have to admit' in the beginning. that implies her honesty and it also sounds better than including the 'honestly' at the end because it's an adverb. adverbs normally mean that there's a better verb out there that you could use to describe exactly how someone's doing something. the 'answered' works here, but when combined with 'honestly', it's a little too much.
also, when Mackie mentions the boys being seniors and that being the main reason that Jenny likes one of them is a bit… weird. i think that Jenny would like one of them based on their physical attributes as the first shallow part, if she's shallow. so if it were my work, i would have said something more along the lines of 'they were all good looking in different ways' or something like that. then mentioned that them being seniors was just the icing on the cake.
AWW JENNY IS SO CUTE. why am i old and not in high school anymore to witness these kinds of things.
"'You don't think Jenny has a chance?' I ask, although I knew that if it was based on how much competition she had, her odds were pretty much against her." here, 'ask' should be 'asked'.
"At the ring of the bell, signaling the end of the school day, I was once again leaping out of my seat and dashing out of Mr. Johnson's history class." Here, you could just put 'final' in front of 'bell' and cut out the parenthetical clause.
love the ending to the chapter. looking forward to the next one!
i know it's been a while again, but i was traveling without my computer and then i got really sick. i'm still pretty sick but at least have a brain again to do some work other than school. also, on being abroad. reading stuff set in the states (or a states-like-setting because of the high school stuff) makes me miss home. haha. mostly the mention of random foods that don't exist on this side of the pond, and good old american fun, which you can't have here without be stared at and judged for being american. i have now realized that as the daughter of immigrants, i don't have a place on either continent, and i'm totally cool with that.
i always forget how much happens in one of your chapters. i miss the days when i could write like that. haha.
"You were the one that insisted it being this early," here, the 'being' should be 'be'. later in this same paragraph, you use the word 'so' twice within the same sentence. i would cut out the one that begins this sentence and leave in the connector later.
donuts. do not exist on in the same way on the iberian peninsula. i can't wait to see them in a month. haha. this is what i get from stories now. a lot of why am i not states side, eating donuts? as for how they work in the story, i think they work pretty well. food usually does bring people together as it's a commonality that all humans share. we gotta eat.
"I just shrugged. 'I have to admit, this whole project is actually fun. I should have joined Throp Club before this,' I answered honestly." here you don't need to include the 'honestly' at the end because you have her say 'i have to admit' in the beginning. that implies her honesty and it also sounds better than including the 'honestly' at the end because it's an adverb. adverbs normally mean that there's a better verb out there that you could use to describe exactly how someone's doing something. the 'answered' works here, but when combined with 'honestly', it's a little too much.
also, when Mackie mentions the boys being seniors and that being the main reason that Jenny likes one of them is a bit… weird. i think that Jenny would like one of them based on their physical attributes as the first shallow part, if she's shallow. so if it were my work, i would have said something more along the lines of 'they were all good looking in different ways' or something like that. then mentioned that them being seniors was just the icing on the cake.
AWW JENNY IS SO CUTE. why am i old and not in high school anymore to witness these kinds of things.
"'You don't think Jenny has a chance?' I ask, although I knew that if it was based on how much competition she had, her odds were pretty much against her." here, 'ask' should be 'asked'.
"At the ring of the bell, signaling the end of the school day, I was once again leaping out of my seat and dashing out of Mr. Johnson's history class." Here, you could just put 'final' in front of 'bell' and cut out the parenthetical clause.
love the ending to the chapter. looking forward to the next one!
4/26/2013 c29 melioran
I can't explain how much I love your style of writing. Loving the story so much as well :)
*shipping Reese and Mackie so hard it hurts*
I can't explain how much I love your style of writing. Loving the story so much as well :)
*shipping Reese and Mackie so hard it hurts*
4/23/2013 c29 1Mistical Hearts
Love the story! Ahhhh! XD who is T.F Catcher now..? 0_o wanna know more.. can't resist... any... longer...! More? ;)
1Mistical HeartsLove the story! Ahhhh! XD who is T.F Catcher now..? 0_o wanna know more.. can't resist... any... longer...! More? ;)
4/21/2013 c29 5Author-K-J-Lee
Ooh yay your back! I'm kinda confused. So Reese admitted to being T.F Catcher? and yet t f catcher sent an email to nicci about exposing her... is there two? Or sis he really contact nicci to expose her?
Oh I'm just so glad your back.
5Author-K-J-LeeOoh yay your back! I'm kinda confused. So Reese admitted to being T.F Catcher? and yet t f catcher sent an email to nicci about exposing her... is there two? Or sis he really contact nicci to expose her?
Oh I'm just so glad your back.
4/21/2013 c29 1why-are-you-my-remedy
Ahhh! I've been reading this story from like the very beginning and wow I was worried this was going to be one of those stories that don't get updated for a year, and then two, and then three, and then end up never getting updated at all, haha. But I looooveeee Gossip, Set, Match and I've been like furiously checking for updates like every week! I can't waiiit to find out what happens! :)
1why-are-you-my-remedyAhhh! I've been reading this story from like the very beginning and wow I was worried this was going to be one of those stories that don't get updated for a year, and then two, and then three, and then end up never getting updated at all, haha. But I looooveeee Gossip, Set, Match and I've been like furiously checking for updates like every week! I can't waiiit to find out what happens! :)
4/21/2013 c29 mylittleprincess
YAY! you'r back thank you for the update ,more please:)
YAY! you'r back thank you for the update ,more please:)