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for The Lonely Acadia

3/19/2011 c3 1MystyTaurus
O, intrigue! Great job! Wish your chapters weren't so short :( I want to read more! :D So update! Yay!
3/13/2011 c2 CCKins
Cool chapter! I enjoyed the mystery at the end! Very intriguing! Although with the dinner part, you seem to rush that. Does Stephanie live in a different house than Aline, because it doesn't seem that way. One minute Aline is in the Vescots' home, the next she is back at her own. It's confusing. You should read over your work and fill in any gaps to slow it down.

Overall, great work, and hope to hear from you soon!
3/13/2011 c1 CCKins
So far, a good and interesting story. I like the description you put in the beginning, as it helps visualize the characters. You do start to lose that though, but you can easily add more!

There are a few mistakes as well, like: ("Do you want me to start you a fire before we leave? It's a little bit cold out today." Her mother shook her head. "I have my blankets. We need to save the wood for the snow.") Whenever someone new speaks, you should always start a new paragraph. You do this more than once, and it starts to get confusing so I have to re-read to understand.

("You like Patrick, don't you?" She asked) After a person speaks, the 'she' should have a small 's', so it would be ("You like Patrick, don't you?" she asked).

Overall, it was a good story, and I can see this going somewhere! Well done!
3/13/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hi there!

Congrats on your first posted work!

[the last of 6 children to wed] any number less than three digits should be spelled out. So “6” should be “six”.

["You like Patrick, don't you?" …"Do not, you bug. Louise does. You know as well as I do that she's trying to prove herself worthy of a proposal."]

When you have two people speaking, always put them in separate paragraphs to prevent confusion.

I like that you have footnotes for anyone who’s interested in explanations behind Acadian culture, because I think you have some very interesting facts, and it seems that you put a lot of work into researching Acadian culture to make this a realistic story.

Writing wise, I think your wording could have been stronger if there wasn’t so much speculation. For example, [who seemed to be sound asleep.], [Perhaps this was her] etc. You seem to be writing in third person omniscient, which means the narrator knows what’s going on. Maybe this is just personal, but it bothered me that the narration sounds unsure of itself. I think your writing would be better if there wasn’t so much doubt in it.

Hope this helps!

3/13/2011 c2 7flyingpencil
Very intriguing story, I like the characters they're very relatable though I would like to get to know about them, how old are they and things like that. I also didn't quite grasp why Aline couldn't run, I guess in 1775 girls couldn't do that but then again it depends on her age.

I know this is only the beginning of your story but I really want to know what's ging on next and where did the Dad and Olivier go, I also thought that sometimes the footnotes were a bit unecessary, but overall you have a good sense of keeping the mystery here.
3/13/2011 c1 12Annabel H. Wilde
I like the setting of the story because it displays the normalcy of their lives. The last line is good foreshadowing for what is to come, though it could have been worded differently to flow better with the rest of the chapter.
3/11/2011 c1 sydney420
Well written, and researched. I adore this story so far, please keep up the good work. I plan on continuing to read this!

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