for I'm not Cinderella, I don't wear stilettos12/13/2011 c1 
4inhale-love
Usually, I start off with constructive criticism, but most of the mistakes were already mentioned in earlier reviews, so I guess I'll go straight off to the parts of the story I liked.
Firstly, I like how your characters appear realistic. They could easily be people you could meet in your life.
Secondly, I think it's interesting how you explored a new culture versus the stereotypical American girls and American culture. (Not that I don't like American culture, it's just a nice, refreshing change."
Thirdly, I love your badass female lead. It's becoming more and more common nowadays, but I still like that about her.
Keep up the good work, and update soon! :)
P.S. Thanks for reviewing and giving con crit to my story, "Smitten!"
4inhale-loveUsually, I start off with constructive criticism, but most of the mistakes were already mentioned in earlier reviews, so I guess I'll go straight off to the parts of the story I liked.
Firstly, I like how your characters appear realistic. They could easily be people you could meet in your life.
Secondly, I think it's interesting how you explored a new culture versus the stereotypical American girls and American culture. (Not that I don't like American culture, it's just a nice, refreshing change."
Thirdly, I love your badass female lead. It's becoming more and more common nowadays, but I still like that about her.
Keep up the good work, and update soon! :)
P.S. Thanks for reviewing and giving con crit to my story, "Smitten!"
12/8/2011 c1 AnnieStoryTeller
I read this story a few days back and I thought I'd dropped off a review :P But oh no, I haven't.
I liked the hook of the story. The mother shouting makes the reader jump, and find out what the character has done in order to get her mother shouting like that. :D
I like the fact this girl has three brothers; and they just annoy her. (Sighs - that's why we have brothers, in the first place!)
The summary of the story seems promising enough. I like it. It's good that you introduce your main characters at the beginning, and you've successfully been able to create that aura of mystery around Rohan.
I hope Rohan doesn't use the fact Sasha's father is his father's employee to blackmail her or something to that extent. Obnoxious evil boys love to do that.
I wish you'd update AND complete this story though. I am putting it up in my alerts. Don't let go of this one. Just work at it - it is bound to be a very amazing read :)
Good luck!
I read this story a few days back and I thought I'd dropped off a review :P But oh no, I haven't.
I liked the hook of the story. The mother shouting makes the reader jump, and find out what the character has done in order to get her mother shouting like that. :D
I like the fact this girl has three brothers; and they just annoy her. (Sighs - that's why we have brothers, in the first place!)
The summary of the story seems promising enough. I like it. It's good that you introduce your main characters at the beginning, and you've successfully been able to create that aura of mystery around Rohan.
I hope Rohan doesn't use the fact Sasha's father is his father's employee to blackmail her or something to that extent. Obnoxious evil boys love to do that.
I wish you'd update AND complete this story though. I am putting it up in my alerts. Don't let go of this one. Just work at it - it is bound to be a very amazing read :)
Good luck!
10/30/2011 c1 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
First thing up: Love the rockin' title. :D
Your narrator, Sasha's voice, is really distinct. I'm liking her snarky frankness. :D And after reading that exchange between the li'l twins, I can say I am officially a Dhruv and Dilip fan.
Love the Sasha-thinking-to-herself interlude. It's funny. Rohan seems intriguing so far. The "My heart was broken." line is rather intriguing. Is he the one who broke up with her friend? Or is he referring to somebody else? hmmmm...
Aarrggh. "Sexual Assualt." I think I'm immature, but this just makes me crack up. seriously.
~ Daphne
First thing up: Love the rockin' title. :D
Your narrator, Sasha's voice, is really distinct. I'm liking her snarky frankness. :D And after reading that exchange between the li'l twins, I can say I am officially a Dhruv and Dilip fan.
Love the Sasha-thinking-to-herself interlude. It's funny. Rohan seems intriguing so far. The "My heart was broken." line is rather intriguing. Is he the one who broke up with her friend? Or is he referring to somebody else? hmmmm...
Aarrggh. "Sexual Assualt." I think I'm immature, but this just makes me crack up. seriously.
~ Daphne
5/21/2011 c1 1Souffle Girl
Nice start! I really like the twins, they seem adorable. Plus, I love your summary, it really promises an interesting story.
You probably want to add some more description though. This story is super dialogue heavy, which makes it difficult to visualize what's going on, and what the other characters like the twins look like. It seems like most of your descriptions consist of what characters are wearing, as opposed to what they look like.
Also, so far, Sasha seems like she's in danger of becoming a cliche. On the one hand, I love a bad ass female protagonist, but on the other hand there's way too many skirt hating masculine girls in Romance these days.
You might want to work on those things for chapter two, but otherwise, good job! :)
(Via the Review Returners Forum)
1Souffle GirlNice start! I really like the twins, they seem adorable. Plus, I love your summary, it really promises an interesting story.
You probably want to add some more description though. This story is super dialogue heavy, which makes it difficult to visualize what's going on, and what the other characters like the twins look like. It seems like most of your descriptions consist of what characters are wearing, as opposed to what they look like.
Also, so far, Sasha seems like she's in danger of becoming a cliche. On the one hand, I love a bad ass female protagonist, but on the other hand there's way too many skirt hating masculine girls in Romance these days.
You might want to work on those things for chapter two, but otherwise, good job! :)
(Via the Review Returners Forum)
5/4/2011 c1 theofficialprocrastinator
Great story! =D
Though a few grammar mistakes and a little more description is needed. Keep up the good work.
Great story! =D
Though a few grammar mistakes and a little more description is needed. Keep up the good work.
4/21/2011 c1 3HPRK08
Hello! I was told by a certain someone that I MUST read (and review) this so here I am, wo!
I love how Sasha already seems so badass! Plus it's cool how you tributed her 'manly' aspects to her brothers; that for me, added realism.
I would go to the grammar bits, put berley and mandysoccer already did so. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more! (:
~Swati
3HPRK08Hello! I was told by a certain someone that I MUST read (and review) this so here I am, wo!
I love how Sasha already seems so badass! Plus it's cool how you tributed her 'manly' aspects to her brothers; that for me, added realism.
I would go to the grammar bits, put berley and mandysoccer already did so. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more! (:
~Swati
4/17/2011 c1 11berley
Okay, I’m going to be blunt here. First of all, you really need to go through your work and edit it before posting on the site. There are tons of grammar and punctuation mistakes and they are really distracting. If grammar and punctuation isn’t your strong suit, I would suggest getting a beta reader or a friend to read through your work. Bad grammar really takes away from any story.
This chapter was really dialog heavy. You don’t have very many descriptions of what’s going on and it makes things a little confusing at times while reading it. I couldn’t visualize anything while reading it, which made me lose interest in the story. Also, this story is starting to sound like it’s going to be borderline cliché, so I really hope you have something up your sleeve for future chapters that makes this story stand out compared to there romance fiction on this site. :)
11berleyOkay, I’m going to be blunt here. First of all, you really need to go through your work and edit it before posting on the site. There are tons of grammar and punctuation mistakes and they are really distracting. If grammar and punctuation isn’t your strong suit, I would suggest getting a beta reader or a friend to read through your work. Bad grammar really takes away from any story.
This chapter was really dialog heavy. You don’t have very many descriptions of what’s going on and it makes things a little confusing at times while reading it. I couldn’t visualize anything while reading it, which made me lose interest in the story. Also, this story is starting to sound like it’s going to be borderline cliché, so I really hope you have something up your sleeve for future chapters that makes this story stand out compared to there romance fiction on this site. :)
4/7/2011 c1 6MeAsIAm
Hey there. First off I like the spirit of the main character. She's feisty and has spirit. But the chapter is too short and filled with statements which would make for great paras if you cared to expound them.
Take this for an example:
'the most annoyingly gorgeous younger twin brothers'
I liked that you described them as Fred and George (I have a twin to and sometimes I wonder what ruckus we'd have had created if we looked the same) but you didn't describe what made all the girls fall for them.(floppy hair?devil-may-care attitude? etc)
Also, the part with Rohan is too short. I know that you are just starting off, and this seems to be a promising story.
(review repayment, via the RH)
6MeAsIAmHey there. First off I like the spirit of the main character. She's feisty and has spirit. But the chapter is too short and filled with statements which would make for great paras if you cared to expound them.
Take this for an example:
'the most annoyingly gorgeous younger twin brothers'
I liked that you described them as Fred and George (I have a twin to and sometimes I wonder what ruckus we'd have had created if we looked the same) but you didn't describe what made all the girls fall for them.(floppy hair?devil-may-care attitude? etc)
Also, the part with Rohan is too short. I know that you are just starting off, and this seems to be a promising story.
(review repayment, via the RH)
3/18/2011 c1 5Whirlymerle
[.I .don't. like .skirts. Period.] the periods are off here.
I like Dhruv and Dilip, they are like Fred and George!
I wish you’d gone into detail about the part where Rohan picks her up and puts her on the dance floor. Some surprise or shock or whatever else Sasha thought at the moment would have been nice.
Wow, I totally love Sasha. Not only is she the total antithesis to Cinderella, I love her humor when she converses with her conscience. You give her some flaws, which is nice too. Nice ending, too. I like the balance between sweetness and Sasha’s spice. Though I thought you could have gone into more detail about how Sasha changed her mind about Rohan.
Good start, keep writing!
~Merle
5Whirlymerle[.I .don't. like .skirts. Period.] the periods are off here.
I like Dhruv and Dilip, they are like Fred and George!
I wish you’d gone into detail about the part where Rohan picks her up and puts her on the dance floor. Some surprise or shock or whatever else Sasha thought at the moment would have been nice.
Wow, I totally love Sasha. Not only is she the total antithesis to Cinderella, I love her humor when she converses with her conscience. You give her some flaws, which is nice too. Nice ending, too. I like the balance between sweetness and Sasha’s spice. Though I thought you could have gone into more detail about how Sasha changed her mind about Rohan.
Good start, keep writing!
~Merle
3/16/2011 c1 10nangelique
Haha. :) I like her confidence and that consciousness thing happens to me too!
I like you story. Although, the first part was a bit confusing. Also, are they Singaporean or they just live in Singapore? =D
Anyways, keep it up! Oh, and thanks for reviewing my story!
10nangeliqueHaha. :) I like her confidence and that consciousness thing happens to me too!
I like you story. Although, the first part was a bit confusing. Also, are they Singaporean or they just live in Singapore? =D
Anyways, keep it up! Oh, and thanks for reviewing my story!
3/15/2011 c1 1StoryMonster
Hi!
I see you took off some of my editing. -_-
Anyways, great job, and let's hope you ACTUALLY continue and FINISH this one.
=]
~SToryMonster
1StoryMonsterHi!
I see you took off some of my editing. -_-
Anyways, great job, and let's hope you ACTUALLY continue and FINISH this one.
=]
~SToryMonster
3/15/2011 c1 7SophieInPink
I love this! It's so refreshing and not like anything I've seen before. It's nice to learn about another culture with the food and everything. Dhruv and Dilip are my favorites; I admit I was confused at first when Dilip said her skirt was too long but the next line cleared it up hilariously.
Keep on writing! Can't wait to read on, excellent work!
soph xx
7SophieInPinkI love this! It's so refreshing and not like anything I've seen before. It's nice to learn about another culture with the food and everything. Dhruv and Dilip are my favorites; I admit I was confused at first when Dilip said her skirt was too long but the next line cleared it up hilariously.
Keep on writing! Can't wait to read on, excellent work!
soph xx
3/15/2011 c1 Fiona Fiore
This is great start, all of Sasha's little quirks really helped me get a feel of the character. As this is 1st person POV, her voice is very strong, and I like how you punctuated certain sentences to bring that out more. (For example, "I .don't. like .skirts.") Sasha's brothers seem like fun characters as well, and I hope that you explore more of their lives/backgrounds as well.
This is great start, all of Sasha's little quirks really helped me get a feel of the character. As this is 1st person POV, her voice is very strong, and I like how you punctuated certain sentences to bring that out more. (For example, "I .don't. like .skirts.") Sasha's brothers seem like fun characters as well, and I hope that you explore more of their lives/backgrounds as well.
3/15/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Okay first off: Summary = WAY KICK-AS$. Somehow, I can never get those darn things right... *curses to self*
Con crit first, compliments later ;)
.I .don't. like .skirts. Period.
-I think you should probably restructure this sentence. Something along the lines of 'I. Do. Not. Like. Skirts. Period.'
Meet Dhruv and Dilip, the most annoyingly gorgeous younger twin brothers.
-Okay, cool introductory sentence, but maybe you omit the 'gorgeous'? I mean, they may be, but in my opinion, it's sort of odd for the narrator to be saying that about her brothers. Maybe add it in a later part of the chapter, as someone else's dialogue?
"Sexual Assault."
-Un-capitalize 'assault'.
Alright. Glaring mistake here. *yells at SM* In the talking-to-self scene, you've erred. You used 'conscious' and 'conscience' together, and they cannot under any circumstances be used inter-changeably. Conscience is the inner sense to distinct between right and wrong, while conscious is being aware or awake.
If that made no sense, then I'd say your consciousness is your mind and thoughts. Your conscience is the part of your mind which tells you whether what you are doing is right or wrong. Hope you understood that :)
That's over and done with. Now to the fun part! :D
A fist bump? Raw corn, little Sasha girl! :D I like how she includes her brothers in her mannerisms and everything. It shows how close of a relationship they have.
"Oh yeah? What manly attributes do you have?" he asked me, a glint of amusement in his grey eyes.
-Wonderful XD
I'm starting to like this Rohan character. He seems pretty realistic, and with that little hint you dropped, I can't wait to read on. Great start! (:
I hope this review was helpful (:
x mandy
5thefaultinourpatronusOkay first off: Summary = WAY KICK-AS$. Somehow, I can never get those darn things right... *curses to self*
Con crit first, compliments later ;)
.I .don't. like .skirts. Period.
-I think you should probably restructure this sentence. Something along the lines of 'I. Do. Not. Like. Skirts. Period.'
Meet Dhruv and Dilip, the most annoyingly gorgeous younger twin brothers.
-Okay, cool introductory sentence, but maybe you omit the 'gorgeous'? I mean, they may be, but in my opinion, it's sort of odd for the narrator to be saying that about her brothers. Maybe add it in a later part of the chapter, as someone else's dialogue?
"Sexual Assault."
-Un-capitalize 'assault'.
Alright. Glaring mistake here. *yells at SM* In the talking-to-self scene, you've erred. You used 'conscious' and 'conscience' together, and they cannot under any circumstances be used inter-changeably. Conscience is the inner sense to distinct between right and wrong, while conscious is being aware or awake.
If that made no sense, then I'd say your consciousness is your mind and thoughts. Your conscience is the part of your mind which tells you whether what you are doing is right or wrong. Hope you understood that :)
That's over and done with. Now to the fun part! :D
A fist bump? Raw corn, little Sasha girl! :D I like how she includes her brothers in her mannerisms and everything. It shows how close of a relationship they have.
"Oh yeah? What manly attributes do you have?" he asked me, a glint of amusement in his grey eyes.
-Wonderful XD
I'm starting to like this Rohan character. He seems pretty realistic, and with that little hint you dropped, I can't wait to read on. Great start! (:
I hope this review was helpful (:
x mandy