3/16/2011 c1 Anya
Hello!

So, let me start by saying that i liked it. It not only held my interest, but actually intrigued me- and that's a great sign. I'm a difficult person to intrigue (especially if I'm not particularly in the mood to read). It's often easier for books or stories you actively seek out, because you have a summary and read that and then decide to read it. Already, you're interested.

But I had no idea what this was about... and by the end was left wanting more. Who is Tom? Is he married? What happened between him and Isabel? Isabel seems like a perfect crystal figuirine, but I'm sure there's much more going underneath that smooth exterior. And what about Maleen? I'm not entirely sure of her intentions- she loves her sister, yet she abstained from getting rid of Tom. While less beautiful, she seems sharp. Will a man come for her? It's like Pride and Prejudice or Little Women- she's like Jo or Lizzie and Isabel seems like Meg or Jane. I adore those books, so the comparison is meant to be a compliment!

There are a few little grammatical errors/spelling mistakes. We all make them, so they don't bother me at all. One thing I think you do (which may be influenced by reading my work... or you may just do it as well) is over-explain or over-describe things. It was more obvious in the first part of the story.

I can't really offer a solution though, seeing as I have the same problem myself. I think it's certainly allowable for the first part of a story as it's often the best place to set up the picture...

But that's the only little bit of advice I have for you. Maybe find a way to make the beginning less wordy? Just a thought. You could leave it as is and it'd still be great, though :)

I don't have a fictionpress account... so let me know when a new chapter's up?

x Anya