10/28/2011 c1 5CompanyOfOne
Very interesting start to your story. It looks like an intriguing story, and I hope you'll write more sometime.
I like the way you've developed quirks and unique mannerisms already - too often on this site, the characters have no original traits of their own. She seems like a fun, fiery, headstrong character, and I'd be interested to see what she does with this new situation life has flung at her.
The mystery boy sounds interesting as well, and I would love to hear more about him.
One thing you could improve on is the pace of it. It seems a bit quick and jerky, more like panels in a comic book than the first few pages of a novel. Fleshing it out a bit more might help fix that; explain more thoughts and feelings, add sensations -sight, sound, scent, touch, and hearing - as well as a bit more description of where she is, especially when she's outside. It helps readers to be able to visualize the place the same way you're seeing it.
For example, when I read this, it felt cold and gloomy and rainy - like it is where I am right now - and then suddenly she was outside in the sun, and then suddenly she was on the beach bowling over a really cute guy. Don't be afraid to take your time with it :)
Looking forward to more,
~CompanyofOne
Very interesting start to your story. It looks like an intriguing story, and I hope you'll write more sometime.
I like the way you've developed quirks and unique mannerisms already - too often on this site, the characters have no original traits of their own. She seems like a fun, fiery, headstrong character, and I'd be interested to see what she does with this new situation life has flung at her.
The mystery boy sounds interesting as well, and I would love to hear more about him.
One thing you could improve on is the pace of it. It seems a bit quick and jerky, more like panels in a comic book than the first few pages of a novel. Fleshing it out a bit more might help fix that; explain more thoughts and feelings, add sensations -sight, sound, scent, touch, and hearing - as well as a bit more description of where she is, especially when she's outside. It helps readers to be able to visualize the place the same way you're seeing it.
For example, when I read this, it felt cold and gloomy and rainy - like it is where I am right now - and then suddenly she was outside in the sun, and then suddenly she was on the beach bowling over a really cute guy. Don't be afraid to take your time with it :)
Looking forward to more,
~CompanyofOne