for Days Around The Crash3/29/2011 c4 emlayne
You gotta add more i was on my heels the whole time i just have to read more!
You gotta add more i was on my heels the whole time i just have to read more!
3/24/2011 c1 
119SomeRandomScribbles
Great intro! I love the way you start this piece straight to the point: Amber hates planes, and this is going to have a great bearing on the story. You introduce the characters really well - the relations between them and a bit about their personalities are clear, but you manage not to overload us with information at the same time.
Just a few points:
[So how do I end up on?] - should this be "on one"?
I think it would be better if, instead of using speech marks, you kept to just writing thoughts in italics - otherwise it can get confusing.
Careful with commas - there are a few times where one is missing - [Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain] - or there's one where there needn't be one - [...my niece, in the back seat...].
The ending is a little confusing - a bit more explanation and proofreading would help it out a bit. However, you build up tension well, and overall I'd say it's a good opening! :)
119SomeRandomScribblesGreat intro! I love the way you start this piece straight to the point: Amber hates planes, and this is going to have a great bearing on the story. You introduce the characters really well - the relations between them and a bit about their personalities are clear, but you manage not to overload us with information at the same time.
Just a few points:
[So how do I end up on?] - should this be "on one"?
I think it would be better if, instead of using speech marks, you kept to just writing thoughts in italics - otherwise it can get confusing.
Careful with commas - there are a few times where one is missing - [Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain] - or there's one where there needn't be one - [...my niece, in the back seat...].
The ending is a little confusing - a bit more explanation and proofreading would help it out a bit. However, you build up tension well, and overall I'd say it's a good opening! :)