for What Really Happened4/8/2012 c2 
6ShadowsBandit
Hey Ioga,
The second chapter was almost as good as the first.
It kind of bored me with all that info and background stuffs at the end, but, hey, you've got to explain that to the reader one way or another, right? So, that's not really a flaw or anything.
I am also curious to know whether the dragon that we don't know the name of is a girl or a boy. For that matter, what is the dragon's name? Anyway, is it a girl because it seems to have a crush on Lord Kuro...
MOVING ON
I really enjoy reading the vivid characters you come up with in this and Putting On My Otter Shirt. Lord Kuro is just another example of your genius!
There were like two grammar/spelling mistakes:
"I was still coming to grips with having my limbs intact and not bleeding to death when he grabbed my wrist and lead me to his study." - "lead" should be "led"
"Over time, our knowledge of spacefaring and other skills not continuously needed in our new habitat faded." - I think it would be better worded if it went like this "...other skills THAT WERE not continuously..."
That's about all I have to add.
Great work!
:)
-ShadowsBandit
6ShadowsBanditHey Ioga,
The second chapter was almost as good as the first.
It kind of bored me with all that info and background stuffs at the end, but, hey, you've got to explain that to the reader one way or another, right? So, that's not really a flaw or anything.
I am also curious to know whether the dragon that we don't know the name of is a girl or a boy. For that matter, what is the dragon's name? Anyway, is it a girl because it seems to have a crush on Lord Kuro...
MOVING ON
I really enjoy reading the vivid characters you come up with in this and Putting On My Otter Shirt. Lord Kuro is just another example of your genius!
There were like two grammar/spelling mistakes:
"I was still coming to grips with having my limbs intact and not bleeding to death when he grabbed my wrist and lead me to his study." - "lead" should be "led"
"Over time, our knowledge of spacefaring and other skills not continuously needed in our new habitat faded." - I think it would be better worded if it went like this "...other skills THAT WERE not continuously..."
That's about all I have to add.
Great work!
:)
-ShadowsBandit
4/7/2012 c1 ShadowsBandit
Hey Ioga,
Sorry I took so long to get to this!
It was awesome! It gripped me from the start.
I usually don't like long narrations, but this was just too good. It was informative, showed character, and was hilarious. Something about this person that's narrating is just so relate-able... I haven't quite figured out what. It's just that awesome! :)
Improvements? Gosh, not many. But, if I had to say something, I would recommend being just a tad more descriptive about the history in the beginning. It's all kind of subtly rushed. I mean like it seems you just want to get to the good part and skip over it. But, it's still fine the way it is.
Now, to further pretend that I can help improve your genius:
There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes:
"Sometimes, thankfully rarely, it also involved attacking an intruder, to kill them so that they could not carry word back to the others." - I think that "it" should be "I am/was". If not then what is the "it"? Oh, and there shouldn't really be a comma after "intruder". I also think that the comma after "Sometimes" should be a dash instead because that implies a break in thought.
"The "mad hermit", generally known as Lord Kuro, was in actual fact the most brilliant dragon alive, from one of the finest pure bloodlines to exist." - "fact" doesn't makes sense in this context, unless you say "...actual fact HE WAS the most..." and get rid of the "was".
"As Chief of Research, he was in charge of the maintenance and development of the very artefacts that made our most central rituals work." - "artefacts" should be "artifacts" according to OpenOffice. But I think it can go both ways.
"I noted a supply of said drug the table. A solution was swiftly forming in my mind." - should be "drug ON the table."
"My guilt-fueled intuition was correct this time, however." - "guilt-fueled" should be "guilt-fuelled".
So, that's all I have to say!
Once again, that was awesome!
-ShadowsBandit
Hey Ioga,
Sorry I took so long to get to this!
It was awesome! It gripped me from the start.
I usually don't like long narrations, but this was just too good. It was informative, showed character, and was hilarious. Something about this person that's narrating is just so relate-able... I haven't quite figured out what. It's just that awesome! :)
Improvements? Gosh, not many. But, if I had to say something, I would recommend being just a tad more descriptive about the history in the beginning. It's all kind of subtly rushed. I mean like it seems you just want to get to the good part and skip over it. But, it's still fine the way it is.
Now, to further pretend that I can help improve your genius:
There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes:
"Sometimes, thankfully rarely, it also involved attacking an intruder, to kill them so that they could not carry word back to the others." - I think that "it" should be "I am/was". If not then what is the "it"? Oh, and there shouldn't really be a comma after "intruder". I also think that the comma after "Sometimes" should be a dash instead because that implies a break in thought.
"The "mad hermit", generally known as Lord Kuro, was in actual fact the most brilliant dragon alive, from one of the finest pure bloodlines to exist." - "fact" doesn't makes sense in this context, unless you say "...actual fact HE WAS the most..." and get rid of the "was".
"As Chief of Research, he was in charge of the maintenance and development of the very artefacts that made our most central rituals work." - "artefacts" should be "artifacts" according to OpenOffice. But I think it can go both ways.
"I noted a supply of said drug the table. A solution was swiftly forming in my mind." - should be "drug ON the table."
"My guilt-fueled intuition was correct this time, however." - "guilt-fueled" should be "guilt-fuelled".
So, that's all I have to say!
Once again, that was awesome!
-ShadowsBandit
11/9/2011 c2 16Dragon made me do it
In this chapter you open with a bang, right in the thick of the action, fast paced whooooo. it has all the story interests of the first chapter, only with much better writing style as well.
And then a little humour... 'I was still coming to grips with having my limbs intact and not bleeding to death when he grabbed my wrist and lead me to his study.'
And again... 'My well-formulated argument on the topic was accidentally condensed into a single "Gwha?"'
'Then he reached out to me me with his mind, with a slight awkwardness that could be compared to a shaky hand, and set out to share his thoughts with me. '- nice, this is one of the strengths in your writing, the ability to weave philosophical concepts into fictional narratives.
One thing I have been thinking of here, if the dragon form of communication by the mind is a more direct reflection of their thoughts, and with this more honest, does that make their society less Machiavellian? Because at another point you mention that the Dragons are difficult to beat at cunning. This would be difficult if they are forced into this communications strategy in which it is harder to lie.
haha, I love this artificial placenta concept!
Yes I would definitely like to see more, this doesn't really feel like it has done all it can yet, there is a lot of potential here. I would like to know more about how the humans form part of the Dragons, how they get replaced when they die. You have only just introduced this idea of Lord Kuro being a title that continues from person to person, like the Pope or Dalai Lama, rather than an individual with his own personality. I would like to hear more about the man behind the Lord. and generally to find out what happens, do they succeed in their mission?
I am really enjoying this, please do more!
I had a quick look at the other reviews, just thought I should mention, I think this actually fits better in fantasy than science fiction. My understanding of the distinction between the two genres is that science fiction involves a scientific explanation for things that would not normally occur in today's world, whereas with fantasy these otherworldly elements are 'just because'. Dragons are well and truly at the heart of fairly purist fantasy, but even if they weren't, fantasy can include just about anything unrealistic or magical if you want it to. I have heard some fantasy authors actually claim that all fiction is fantasy ... I think this is maybe taking it too far but I have no doubt this story fits within fantasy. one element that might fit more within sci-fi though is the more futuristic idea of creating hybrids between humans and other species, and the interplanetary travel. Often bookshops will categorise things as sci-fi/fantasy anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter.
As for Transformers, I haven't seen the movie, but after reading a synopsis (and seeing the toys as a kid), I don't really see the similarity except that there is some kind of partially human, partially other being creatures involved, which also dates back to Greek mythology, and I don't think the ancient Greeks will accuse you of plagiarism. and in between those two, that is a whole load of shapeshifter fiction out there, of which yours is one of the more original.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation:
'In the meanwhile' - usually the expression is 'in the meantime' or you would simply say 'meanwhile ...'
'I seriously wanted to keep him on a good mood ' - replace on with in
'I smiled encouragement' - this doesn't quite sound right, replace with something like 'I smiled to show encouragement " or 'I smiled with encouragement'
'Do you manage to speak with others?' - this doesn't sound quite right either, something like 'are you able to speak with others?' Would work better.
16Dragon made me do itIn this chapter you open with a bang, right in the thick of the action, fast paced whooooo. it has all the story interests of the first chapter, only with much better writing style as well.
And then a little humour... 'I was still coming to grips with having my limbs intact and not bleeding to death when he grabbed my wrist and lead me to his study.'
And again... 'My well-formulated argument on the topic was accidentally condensed into a single "Gwha?"'
'Then he reached out to me me with his mind, with a slight awkwardness that could be compared to a shaky hand, and set out to share his thoughts with me. '- nice, this is one of the strengths in your writing, the ability to weave philosophical concepts into fictional narratives.
One thing I have been thinking of here, if the dragon form of communication by the mind is a more direct reflection of their thoughts, and with this more honest, does that make their society less Machiavellian? Because at another point you mention that the Dragons are difficult to beat at cunning. This would be difficult if they are forced into this communications strategy in which it is harder to lie.
haha, I love this artificial placenta concept!
Yes I would definitely like to see more, this doesn't really feel like it has done all it can yet, there is a lot of potential here. I would like to know more about how the humans form part of the Dragons, how they get replaced when they die. You have only just introduced this idea of Lord Kuro being a title that continues from person to person, like the Pope or Dalai Lama, rather than an individual with his own personality. I would like to hear more about the man behind the Lord. and generally to find out what happens, do they succeed in their mission?
I am really enjoying this, please do more!
I had a quick look at the other reviews, just thought I should mention, I think this actually fits better in fantasy than science fiction. My understanding of the distinction between the two genres is that science fiction involves a scientific explanation for things that would not normally occur in today's world, whereas with fantasy these otherworldly elements are 'just because'. Dragons are well and truly at the heart of fairly purist fantasy, but even if they weren't, fantasy can include just about anything unrealistic or magical if you want it to. I have heard some fantasy authors actually claim that all fiction is fantasy ... I think this is maybe taking it too far but I have no doubt this story fits within fantasy. one element that might fit more within sci-fi though is the more futuristic idea of creating hybrids between humans and other species, and the interplanetary travel. Often bookshops will categorise things as sci-fi/fantasy anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter.
As for Transformers, I haven't seen the movie, but after reading a synopsis (and seeing the toys as a kid), I don't really see the similarity except that there is some kind of partially human, partially other being creatures involved, which also dates back to Greek mythology, and I don't think the ancient Greeks will accuse you of plagiarism. and in between those two, that is a whole load of shapeshifter fiction out there, of which yours is one of the more original.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation:
'In the meanwhile' - usually the expression is 'in the meantime' or you would simply say 'meanwhile ...'
'I seriously wanted to keep him on a good mood ' - replace on with in
'I smiled encouragement' - this doesn't quite sound right, replace with something like 'I smiled to show encouragement " or 'I smiled with encouragement'
'Do you manage to speak with others?' - this doesn't sound quite right either, something like 'are you able to speak with others?' Would work better.
11/6/2011 c1 Dragon made me do it
I presume it makes sense to read the prequel first? ... Oh and there is no end to the number of bad puns around the word otter. My friend has this T-shirt of an otter in an astronaut suit in space, your author note reminded me of this :-) so, to the review ...
0h I love your intro story, I am now in mourning for the supernatural abilities I never knew I had. perhaps my username has more to it than I thought!
hehe, I laughed at your assessment of humans: 'They cannot fly; they cannot share thoughts beyond making crude sounds and gestures; and a mere fledgling dragon can tear the limbs off a human, or send him plummeting down from the sky.' It is a nice spin on our superiority complex over other living things. I don't know if you have read Douglas Adams hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy series where he has the white mice and dolphins as more intelligent than humans, but I'm sure you'd enjoy them. this is also a big premise in my novel mycelium which I haven't put up yet.
this semi-immortality that comes through some kind of metamorphosis process where the person gets somehow absorbed into the life of a dragon reminds me a bit of vampire mythology, only a bit less dark, and a bit more original.
I suppose at this point in the story I should criticise you for telling not showing, but to be honest I am too caught up in the story to care. the new world you are introducing us to is interesting enough that you can get away with just explaining rather than craftily revealing.
'we are outwitted and overpowered by the ruling clan, the Blacks, as well as a handful of other minor clans in between, with their own strengths and weaknesses.' - I presume you are drawing some kind of parallel here to social dynamics in human societies, empires and so on. This should be interesting as the story goes on.
hehe, humans are the equivalent of complicated clothes :P
I suppose this idea of Akai not incorporating humans is a bit like the whole 'vegetarian vampire' craze of films like the Twilight series and interview with a vampire. Yours is an interesting spin on this.
'Do you like my formulation? I do, it sounds a lot better than "to go steal one of the devices needed for the ritual of human sacrifice from a mad hermit". Which is how my peers put it.' - hehe!
ooh, curious about what happens next, but it will have to wait...
spelling/grammar/punctuation:
meant a peace from the constant noise - take out a
I noted a supply of said drug the table. - on the table?
I presume it makes sense to read the prequel first? ... Oh and there is no end to the number of bad puns around the word otter. My friend has this T-shirt of an otter in an astronaut suit in space, your author note reminded me of this :-) so, to the review ...
0h I love your intro story, I am now in mourning for the supernatural abilities I never knew I had. perhaps my username has more to it than I thought!
hehe, I laughed at your assessment of humans: 'They cannot fly; they cannot share thoughts beyond making crude sounds and gestures; and a mere fledgling dragon can tear the limbs off a human, or send him plummeting down from the sky.' It is a nice spin on our superiority complex over other living things. I don't know if you have read Douglas Adams hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy series where he has the white mice and dolphins as more intelligent than humans, but I'm sure you'd enjoy them. this is also a big premise in my novel mycelium which I haven't put up yet.
this semi-immortality that comes through some kind of metamorphosis process where the person gets somehow absorbed into the life of a dragon reminds me a bit of vampire mythology, only a bit less dark, and a bit more original.
I suppose at this point in the story I should criticise you for telling not showing, but to be honest I am too caught up in the story to care. the new world you are introducing us to is interesting enough that you can get away with just explaining rather than craftily revealing.
'we are outwitted and overpowered by the ruling clan, the Blacks, as well as a handful of other minor clans in between, with their own strengths and weaknesses.' - I presume you are drawing some kind of parallel here to social dynamics in human societies, empires and so on. This should be interesting as the story goes on.
hehe, humans are the equivalent of complicated clothes :P
I suppose this idea of Akai not incorporating humans is a bit like the whole 'vegetarian vampire' craze of films like the Twilight series and interview with a vampire. Yours is an interesting spin on this.
'Do you like my formulation? I do, it sounds a lot better than "to go steal one of the devices needed for the ritual of human sacrifice from a mad hermit". Which is how my peers put it.' - hehe!
ooh, curious about what happens next, but it will have to wait...
spelling/grammar/punctuation:
meant a peace from the constant noise - take out a
I noted a supply of said drug the table. - on the table?
8/17/2011 c1 7rgarner31
so first of all, please bare with me as im writing this as i go go along. to the review!
so for the first paragraph my suggestion is to strengthen your verbs and adjectives: instead of saying "bad" say trechorous, or unspeakable, or horrors so unimaginable they cant be discussed. Something more than just "it was bad". Also try using more descriptive words, idk if you could tell from my writing, but i LOVEEEEEEE description so i guess im a little biased when im reading, hehe :) you also say "killed their humans at birth". arent they dragons? how could they kill "their" humans at birth if they arent human...maybe you meant offspring? or helpless prey just brought into this wretched world? Hmm i do like that paragraph though, it reminds me a bit of transformers: i can see optimus prime saying this in the beginning of the movie, haha.
Owwwww, LOVE LVOE LOVE that one line before the scene change. Really good use of... some technique, dont know what youde call it (my brains still fuzzy from vikadin :)) but its reallyyyyy good!
the first sentence of that next paragraph includes just about every tip i gave you for the first paragraph, so either your magic and know what im writing as im thinking it and somehow altering it while im reading the story (you can tell im still on the meds here), or you realized it and fixed it. Good job! Wow, this story just keeps sounding like a Transformers movie but with Dragons. Im sorry if thats not the intention, or if you thought it was really original, but since you said it is loosely based off a dream i gotta ask if you watched the movie or tv show before you had that dream. from where i am its almost an identical plot overall, so tread lightly with this one. When you said Pure blood i thought immediately to Harry Potter. TREAD VERYYYYY LIGHTLY when writing this. I think that if you ever wanted to get this published, you might just be sued for such striking similarities. I wouldn't want to see my writing buddy gettin sued :P
so yeah thats mostly all ive got to say about this. its really good, and obviously well written, i just think that 100% you need to go through it with the red pen and strike out plot ideas that would lead more to a transformers fanfic than an original story. Unless of course that was your intention, in which case i suggest posting it as such on fanfiction :)
Also, may i suggest you switch the genre to scifi? It seems it would be more fitting for that than fantasy...that word just brings ogres and trolls and wizards and witches to mind, not something like this. Oky doke, sorry if i seemed mean or too critical, just trying to help you out as best i can :) good luck with this!
7rgarner31so first of all, please bare with me as im writing this as i go go along. to the review!
so for the first paragraph my suggestion is to strengthen your verbs and adjectives: instead of saying "bad" say trechorous, or unspeakable, or horrors so unimaginable they cant be discussed. Something more than just "it was bad". Also try using more descriptive words, idk if you could tell from my writing, but i LOVEEEEEEE description so i guess im a little biased when im reading, hehe :) you also say "killed their humans at birth". arent they dragons? how could they kill "their" humans at birth if they arent human...maybe you meant offspring? or helpless prey just brought into this wretched world? Hmm i do like that paragraph though, it reminds me a bit of transformers: i can see optimus prime saying this in the beginning of the movie, haha.
Owwwww, LOVE LVOE LOVE that one line before the scene change. Really good use of... some technique, dont know what youde call it (my brains still fuzzy from vikadin :)) but its reallyyyyy good!
the first sentence of that next paragraph includes just about every tip i gave you for the first paragraph, so either your magic and know what im writing as im thinking it and somehow altering it while im reading the story (you can tell im still on the meds here), or you realized it and fixed it. Good job! Wow, this story just keeps sounding like a Transformers movie but with Dragons. Im sorry if thats not the intention, or if you thought it was really original, but since you said it is loosely based off a dream i gotta ask if you watched the movie or tv show before you had that dream. from where i am its almost an identical plot overall, so tread lightly with this one. When you said Pure blood i thought immediately to Harry Potter. TREAD VERYYYYY LIGHTLY when writing this. I think that if you ever wanted to get this published, you might just be sued for such striking similarities. I wouldn't want to see my writing buddy gettin sued :P
so yeah thats mostly all ive got to say about this. its really good, and obviously well written, i just think that 100% you need to go through it with the red pen and strike out plot ideas that would lead more to a transformers fanfic than an original story. Unless of course that was your intention, in which case i suggest posting it as such on fanfiction :)
Also, may i suggest you switch the genre to scifi? It seems it would be more fitting for that than fantasy...that word just brings ogres and trolls and wizards and witches to mind, not something like this. Oky doke, sorry if i seemed mean or too critical, just trying to help you out as best i can :) good luck with this!