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4/2/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
I love the last line! I think you've shown us some really strong-willed characters so far. Clary is really loyal to her family, she obviously cares about them a lot.

"It doesn't matter, Clarice," responded Mom with a sigh that belonged to a woman far older than her.

-Again, I like the characterization of all these characters. Her mom clearly struggles with dealing with her kids but they're very important to her.

The relationship you've created between Clary and Vex comes off as very tight, it's nice to see them working together for the welfare of their family. The only thing I'd like to see more of are descriptions of the setting. You've got dialogue and emotions down damn well, but I'd like to see more of the scene, you know? Cool stuff overall, I'd definitely read more if you update! :)

x mandy

4/2/2011 c1 allegro rao
For a moment there I thought the text in black was an information dump but then I realised it was an expanded summary XD (silly me!).

This was a good first chapter to the story and I am curious to see updates to it. Going by what KobraKid has said I kind of agree you maybe needed more description on the whole 'ruined city bit', although the note about Rica potentially picking up 'rubble' did lend a nod to that although a wee more detail wouldn't have hurt. That aside the rest of it was pretty good. Although a good portion of it I felt was dialogue, it was good dialogue that really added to the development of this potentially great story you've got going here. I do enjoy the characterisations and interaction of this large family set-up you've got going here. Clearly living inside a ruined city with a recently deceased father isn't going to be easy. They've fallen on hard times and life is hard. Your written style is pretty good and your description of the family situation is also good as well. Our two main leads were also nice to listen to and I like the brother-sister relationship. I enjoyed this and wish to see more!

(PS: I am in the process of redrafting The Saga of Varadon and breaking it down into individual chapters. I hope this isn't a problem as I've got quite a few chapters up already and I do upload fairly rapidly by most fictionpress standards. The point is if there's anything else you want me to review that I'll gladly do so but if you could drop a review when you have the time that'd be cool as well just to make the ratio of reviews fare on us as Varadon has a much larger chapter count than most fics on this site. I hope you go all of that! XD)

-Allegro Rao via the Roadhouse
3/31/2011 c1 8Kobra Kid
Oh wow, I really enjoyed this! As soon as I read the full summary, I knew I'd like this story. It seems really, REALLY intriguing! Your plot and characters were refreshing, really. I enjoyed Clary's character, as well as Vex's. Both of them are strong-willed, brave, loyal people dedicated to their famiily, and they won't anything happen to each other. I already can tell that, so kudos for that! :D My only crit is that there weren't that many descriptions of the setting. I know you said ruined city, but how was it ruined? Where there crumbled buildings, bones of burned down houses, piles upon piles of devastated houses? A more descriptive setting would really help out this chapter, and set the mood. Besides that, everything else was pretty good! Update soon, please!

Kobra Kid, RH

P.S. Please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks!

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